Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Nothing more than Feelings

I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Comments on: "Nothing more than Feelings" (6)

  1. Brownie MacKie said:

    Julianna…email me. lumackie@gmail.com. I dealt with family suicides (with an “s”) this past summer. Lots of reflecting still.

    Love, Brownie

    Like

  2. you are an amazing lady and I love you Jan

    Like

  3. Mariannne said:

    Hey — GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!

    Very insightful and spot-on true. There doesn’t seem to be a bottom to your basket of talent; you just keep pulling things out.

    You’re wonderful and I love you. Just wanted you to know.
    M

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  4. I love you back M. I grew up with a talented bunch. You were a front runner for sure. Thanks for your Mighty Influence…and your moms cookies.

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  5. Juli,
    I am so happy…relieved to have found you and this.

    I was the older, skinny sister with the flowing auburn hair that tried to commit suicide. I like many others, have felt such people were selfish. But when you look at the picture, did that person have choices? All the people that have cast aspirsions, were they there? Did they live that life?
    I am not casting judgement on you, this is a general question to your reading public.

    It is my friends, the dozens I have here, that carried me through the worst days of my life. My family and the people I lived for couldn’t be bothered.

    But I am staying with this.

    Love
    Dianne

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  6. I believe we all have choices. Suicide IS a choice. Choosing TO react or not react and how you react are all choices. I understand the pain and the desire to feel nothing.I understand being so homesick for a home you’ve never had that to cross over seems the only way to find it.
    But I also understand that others can’t give me a reason to live and move forward. That is something i ultimately had to give myself.
    If you put taking care of yourself first – you will be an asset to everyone you love.

    Like

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