Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Posts tagged ‘sadness’

Choice

Many things in life can make us unhappy, unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, illness, rejection and loss. Any number of things can trigger this emotional response that seems to weigh us down so far into the muck and mire that we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But the light is there. It never went away. It comes from INSIDE you, not from the world around you. The sadness comes from the effects of what is unbalanced around you. Dis-ease takes over our spirit and panic rises up in our throat like a huge lump too big to swallow and we scramble to hold onto the idea that we once thought would make our life complete.

To be UN-HAPPY is to be out of balance with who you are and what you value. Your moral compass is compromised. We often look for appreciation for the allowances and sacrifices we make when we compromise who we are. Rarely is that compromise acknowledged or appreciated. And so you give more, you wish more, you love more, all the while trying to fill a basin that is already broken. Eventually, having given all of yourself you can, you are left with not just one broken and empty basin but two. And you can only repair the one. You only have the power to fix your basin.

Sometimes the best gift you can gift a person is the space and time to fix themselves.

Being HAPPY makes you feel more alive that any other emotion. All other emotional staples lead to the sense of peace. When you are loved – you are happy, when you are successful you are happy.When you are reborn,  appreciated and made whole – you are HAPPY.  Your life is your own. If it’s not, then it is only because you have chosen to give it away. Once you claim your life back and are balanced and neither looking behind you or too far in front of you then you can realize that HAPPINESS is your choice. Choose to feel ALIVE. Choose to be HAPPY.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Nothing more than Feelings

I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Oprah moment.

Would Oprah be Oprah if she had a different past? Would she have the extraordinary compassion and ability to relate to all types of personal trials and tribulations had she not come from a broken and dysfunctional family and challenging early years?

We all know at least bits and pieces of the story. Her mother was absent most of her life and she was raised by a grandmother and later sent to her father. She was sexually abused by family members and plagued by years of weight issues and yet she has become one of the most influential people on the planet. How can all that be chance?

How much of my own life has been chance?

A cousin of my father’s contacted me this week on Facebook for his current mailing address. She said as a casual matter of fact that he would be 80 yrs old in March and though she didn’t remember the exact date she would love to surprise him with a card. The sad fact was I neither realized he would be 80 nor did I know the date of his birth.

My father was emotionally and at times physically absent all of my years. To learn to expect less from him I called him by his first name, Denver, since I was a teenager. It somehow softened the blow that he was not the “daddy” I thought I should have had.My siblings followed suit. He is DENVER to us all.

I have to believe that I am who I should be and that in living in THIS moment all my past has led me to this instance. I am where I should be. I am being touched by and touching the lives and moments of the people I surround myself with for a reason. And today is good.

In recognizing and truly absorbing that personal truth I have to say. It is never too late. Never too late to take the time to say thank you and celebrate the life of a spirit that had his own personal journey to master. Did he accomplish the goals he had for himself in life? Only he knows for sure and he is not likely to tell you one way or another. That’s okay. I am who I am because of the influences he had in my life. Whether I perceived them as negative or positive is neither here nor there. When you live in the NOW all is good. If you don’t like something about your life at this point it is your responsibility to change it.

Time to run – I have a birthday party to plan.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: