I love each and every one of you, but tonight…..I sang for Randy. I hope you don’t mind.
Tag: understanding
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Becoming Weightless…..
The closer you get to the end of your life the more concentrated the experience and memories of the past become. Our greatest moments of happiness seem like they just happened yesterday and the deepest wounds lay fresh, open and bleeding.So I am finding in the final days with my father. He can’t tell you how old he is or what he had for dinner but continues to boast of his years abroad and the luxuries he allowed himself . Luxuries that left his family neglected emotionally, physically and financially. My mother has stayed for 54 yrs despite our best attempts at encouraging her to leave. Now he takes great pains to make sure we understand she stayed and “He won”.
I thought all these years she stayed because of the mind game he played. If you love me you won’t complain. If you love me you’ll tolerate my infidelity. I you love me money won’t be an issue. If you love me you’ll keep a home for me to return to. If you love me you’ll take care of me when I am sick and old. If you love me you will sit home and wait…and wait…and wait. I know now that it wasn’t the promises she made to him or for him. She promised GOD she would stay. She would honor the vows she made that day because THAT was who SHE was and who SHE needed to be to break thru to the other side.
I stood in the cross hairs yesterday, the target of my father’s dissatisfaction. I stood behind his wheelchair as he boasted to strangers how great his life was inspite of having horrible children. He pointed me out specifically and told them “She’s been trouble for 54 years”….I pointed out I was only 48…He said it didn’t matter I was trouble before I got here. He went on with his rant telling those that would listen that we tried to take away his wife… But she was still here. Like a TV evangelist he claimed his victory. He was the winner…and I was the loser. He was better than me and he could prove it. “NOBODY WANTED TO MARRY YOU”, he said.
I’d hand enough and wheeled him back inside and left him in the care of my mother and nurses. After two days of treatment he was able to go back home one more time, terminal, but not yet ready to leave this world.
I took them home, Denver and Wanda, and left for the solace of my own home immediately. I was still shocked and hurt by the venomous rant and tent revival testimony he shared with people in a hot parking lot. I pulled my car to the shoulder and reached out to the one person I still crave comfort from but it was not there. Only the Statement. “It’s not about you“.
Wanda had a love once and promised God she would stay. I had a love once and promised God I would pray.
The script was similar.
If you love me you’ll stay faithful and allow me to stray.
If you love me you’ll do all things my way.
You’ll hide in the shadows where no one will see, you’ll allow me to be who I want to be.
You’ll understand my needs and know they come first
You’ll tolerate the shame and all of the hurts
You’ll give up your friends and come when I call.
You’ll take what I give you, if you love me at all.
I didn’t live by the rules and she threw me away.
Yet it was still her comfort that I craved today.
One promised to stay; One promised to pray.
We’ve each learned our lessons, different hours, different days
We strive to become weightless
In our own time, in our own way.
You are correct, It’s not about me. It’s not about fathers and daughters, or mothers and lovers. It’s not about the have’s and have not’s you get in life. It’s about setting down that bag of rocks and leaving behind the burden. To honor the GOD within and lay down the prayer on a path in front of you of peace, guidance and perfect understanding in all things.
It’s about becoming weightless.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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LOVE doesn’t know the difference…..
My note from the UNIVERSE arrived this morning by email as it does every morning. Isn’t it just great the things you can sign up for on the internet, coupons, airline notices and NOTES from the UNIVERSE? It said, ” Some, Juliana, are better loved from afar. For a while, anyway and that’s okay. Besides, Juliana, LOVE doesn’t really know the difference“.I realized this afternoon that I had shared that same sentiment three times through the course of my day.
8:45am. I pulled over my little zoom-zoom car and rolled down my window and stopped to chat with a friend on my way to work. She in turn took the time to share with me that she has had to make the painful decision to severe her relationship with her grown son. His addiction, poor choices and the general chaos that surrounds him are too much to handle and in fact threaten her livelihood and her ability to care for herself. It just seemed she needed to hear she had done the right thing. I shared with her my note from the Universe, “Some are better loved from afar”.
It is a common misconception that if you “Love” someone you will do anything for them. Co-dependent people and addicts know the saying very well and brandish it about like a sharp edged sword to get your attention. Psssst…It’s called MANIPULATION…. Just saying.
There are times when the most loving thing you can do however is NOTHING…but love from afar. That means you don’t pay for their cell phone. You don’t give them a car so they can get to the job they never seem to have. You can’t pay their rent or do their laundry. Realize, that if their choices continue to lead them down a self-destructive path ,then that is the path they have chosen. Love them enough to let them learn the life lessons they have mapped out for themselves. There is a reason for it.
12:30pm and I chat with one of my best girlfriends who has been doing the commitment dance with her favorite man “Blue eyes” for years now. He has broken her heart more times than I can count. But only because she keeps serving it up on a decorative platter complete with garnish, country gravy and a sharp steak knife. There is NO commitment, NO regular progression in the relationship, NO foundation so it ends….again. But he always comes around every 3 or 4 months with a wink and a smile and she is always waiting. She claims she loves him….but it is killing her and trapping her in a time warp worse than any Twilight Zone rerun. My advise has always been, “Listen and he will tell you the truth.” She whines like a broken record . He says he is BROKEN and can’t give himself to a relationship” Well, baby girl, wake up and smell the tar bubbling on the rooftop….eeewww that is a nasty smell. And THAT is his TRUTH. He clings to it like a security blanket and you can’t rip it away from him. He doesn’t want a relationship – he lives to sit in his sandbox and play by himself.
Why is it, we think, if we just love someone more, love that person harder, devote our time and attention and sacrifice more than any other person before us that they will just wake up one day and have this grand epiphany and decide “HEY, I COULD OF HAD A V8 AND A GIRLFRIEND!” . Love doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I’ve tried. Take the ROMANCE NOVEL out of the equation and LOVE that person unconditionally and you will release them to walk the path they have chosen and in turn release yourself to find the partner that fits your needs. Some people, my chicka, are better LOVED from afar.
2:37pm I sat in the front showroom at work to watch the much welcomed rain on my break. The office is quiet. A group had just left to go see our co-worker & friend, Randy ,who lays in a coma at home, family by his side. He is in the end stages of cancer and passing from this earth. It won’t be long Doctor’s say. 2 days or 10, no telling. Darryl, his long time friend, stood at the reception counter staring into the front parking lot. “I couldn’t go”. He said….”I can’t see him like this…it’s not how I want to remember him.”
For the third time today I shared my morning message from the Universe. “It’s okay…. LOVE doesn’t know the difference” It doesn’t know the distance…..how near or how far. It doesn’t keep time or come in measured allotments. LOVE simply IS. Randy will know in his spirit that Darryl loved him whether he stands beside his bed and holds his hand or beside images of Randy’s best work rotating on a slide show on the wall mounted flat screen.
LOVE is something you give, freely and without conditions. It doesn’t require shipping and handling, a box or a bow. You don’t have to sign for it or send it certified mail. Sometimes it comes back “Return to Sender” and other times it’s like an underwear chain letter and you get more pairs back in the mail in more sizes and colors than you could ever imagine.
Sometimes a post card find you years after it was mailed. The NO became a YES and you realize that you were LOVED from afar.
In the infamous good words of LAW ,
” I don’t love you cause I need you. I need you, because I love you.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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Calling all Angels…..
The night is silent in this house except for the hum of a fan in the corner. I sit and stare at a blue eye like my own and wonder if it sees the shooting star coming it’s way. I don’t always see them coming but I sense their presence in my life, glimmering swift messengers I tack my wishes to.My wishes are prayers I send out to the Heavens each night. I wish you peace in all things. I wish you guidance when you’re unsure of your next step. I wish you perfect understanding in all life’s challenges. I wish you happiness and most of all, I wish you love.
Sleep as if held in the arms of angels and know that you are loved 100 times more than you can ever imagine. Thank you, my angels, for always being there when I call.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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My Independence Day…..
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.When will this statement from the Declaration of Independence be applied to ALL of the citizens of the United States of America? Many, including members of my own family, stand on their self-proclaimed Conservative Christian Faith and scream at the top of their lungs that this country was founded on CHRISTIANITY. And that GOD willing, we will return to THEIR level of Conservatism in the next election. They would deny Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness to me simply because I am gay.
The Declaration of Independence was just that. A statement that we the citizens of the Colonies had the right to dissolve our connection with Britain citing Laws of Nature and Nature’s God. “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”
So here we have “Creator” and ‘Law’s of Nature” and Nature’s God”…..Nothing there about Church of England, Catholic, Protestant, Quaker or Queers….so no DOGMA was adopted there. Not sure what DOGMA is?? Dogma: A doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church.
The Constitution is the document that lays out the frame-work of government and the division of power and our judicial systems and makes no reference to BEING a CHRISTIAN to be in good standing as a citizen of this country. In fact there is no mention of CREATOR – LAWS of NATURE -NATURE’S GOD or GOD in this document. Nope – No DOGMA there either.
Then along came The Bill of Rights. And because of the persecution under the previous government and the CHURCH of England they felt the need to ensure these RIGHTS First.
Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
So inferring again that the country was BASED on conservative Christian values is a big steaming pile of poo.
Had the founding fathers intended to form a government based on a doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church they would have just been abandoning the Church of England for the establishment of the CHURCH OF AMERICA. We have a country settled by a majority of Christians who respectfully created a land set up with a separation of Church and State.
Someday, I hope we all are allowed Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness without the exceptions that some would bind us with. Someday I hope to marry and when I get married – that “SIGNIFICANT OTHER” will be my WIFE. And that doesn’t mean I’m more masculine than her and that I have to take out the trash while she makes dinner. It’s not about defining domestic roles within a household. It means she is the woman I love and make a commitment to for life. She will be my wife and I will be hers. THAT is what being a spouse should be. And if that level of commitment or lack there of determined a title then my Mother would be a WIFE…my father? a “Significant Other”…..if even that. His level of love, honor and cherish over the years has been in serious default…so what makes him a husband? His signature at the bottom of a certificate filled out in a judge’s chamber issued by the State of Oklahoma…not a church.
I would have married a tall blue-eyed blonde if she would have had me. But GOD had other plans for my life and hers. Yes…I do believe in God. A power that guides my steps, my words and my voice to stand up for myself and those like me that want nothing more than to express our love for someone in the ultimate way. To marry and to build a family. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It’s meant for anyone.
I love each and every one of you, all people, all races, all religions, all preferences ALL GODS CHILDREN.
Juliana
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Dance with my father……
My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.
I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.
I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.
I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.
I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.
What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.
I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
Video link to Dance with My Father.
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All through the night….
The night was clear and there seemed to be a thousand stars in the sky. The amber-colored lights of the city flickered at a steady pace below us. I was comfortable, relaxed. There was a soft glow of light from the dashboard radio as we sat in an old red Land Shark listening to Smokey Robinson. Great car that 59 Cadillac Convertible with its white leather bucket seats and stylish fins flying off the back. You were sitting there just being gorgeous in your own skin. Your smile so broad it belonged on a toothpaste commercial. Your eyes as soft as your touch. There I sat just waiting for your kiss…………..BING! BING! BING!…….BING! BING! BING!…….DAMN IT BLACKBERRY!!!! I was sleeping! And dreaming….oooooh, maybe if I shut my eyes really quickly I can pick up where I left off.Eyes shut tight, deep breath, exhale…..wait…..wait….waittttt…..nothing!
Nothing pisses me off more than having a brilliantly vibrant dream squashed by ……MORNING….Business…..E-Mails…..Texts……WORK! Just when it was getting really good just like in the movies….BWAUHHHH!!! 😦
What was so important? Catherine’s is having a 40% off sale on Maggie Barnes Tops and Bottoms this weekend only! One Spirit Book Club has FREE shipping and one of the girls wants an impromptu rehearsal at her apartment tonight. All before 7:30 am. Then I notice my Danceswithfat blog has come in as well. I refuse to get up yet so I read it in bed. Boy did that wake me up.
Apparently Rick Chandler a sports writer for a MAJOR news agency wrote a tasteless blog about Kelly Gneiting. The 430 lb former sumo wrestler who ran and COMPLETED the LA MARATHON. Regan (From danceswithfat) didn’t want to comment on his blog site but aired her disdain on her own blog. But I damn sure wrote on his comment board. His blog is below and so is my comment.
Kelly Gneiting hauls his 430 pounds to LA Marathon finish line
Mar 21, 2011, 7:18 PM EDT
“Kelly Gneiting, a 430-pound sumo wrestler and longhaul truck driver, entered the Guinness Book of World Records on Sunday as the heaviest person to ever finish a marathon, finishing the Los Angeles Marathon in 11 hours, 52 minutes, and 11 seconds. Impressive, I suppose. But you may scratch your head when you read the following quote:
After jogging the first 8 miles, he walked the final 18. According to Fox Sports he claims he was delirious from mile 10 onward.
What fun!
But taking half a day to finish a marathon, and walking the great majority of it, is not really a sports accomplishment, is it? It’s just kind of a long walk to the store. The bigger accomplishment would be losing 200 pounds and then running the marathon. But there I go being cynical again. Actually, since Gneiting is the size of two people, you could say that each of him finished in 5 hours, 26 minutes, 5 seconds. That sounds better.”
RICK
I am, well, just sick over your comments. Had this ATHLETE been in a wheel chair , or 90 yrs old or on fake legs, deaf and blind you would have applauded his heroism, his drive and determination. His dedication to take on more than he was thought capable of would have made the evening news. I always have said the only two people who ever get recognition at a marathon or the winner and the guy who takes the longest to hit the finish line.
This IS a sports accomplishment. Better yet it is a HUMAN accomplishment. I think he fucking ROCKS for daring to put himself out there. He has allot bigger balls (no pun intended) then most the men I know regardless of their size.
When will modern-day media get off the FAT WAGON and start seeing people for WHO they are.
The “BIGGER ACCOMPLISHMENT” is not to lose weight first and then live your life. It is to take the first step to living your life OUTLOUD and being happy.
A man born without a right leg won the NCAA wrestling championship. Did anybody write an article about how HE should have stayed on the couch? NO – he was applauded for his efforts and achievements.
Try riding the HUMANITY TRAIN Rick…It’s a much smoother ride!
Well – That got my blood to boiling enough to get my ass out of bed. Just remember – If you can dream it – you can live it! My “parking” days are far from over!
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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The Power of One
Healing Humanity begins with one soul. One person who has the courage to say” Heal me Father, make me whole”.I don’t ask that you take away my disease but rather that you take away the dis-ease in my spirit that impairs my body. My heart is then restored.
I don’t ask that you take away the fat that clogs and pollutes my system. I ask that you remove the emotional weight I have resisted letting go of for so many years. I know the pounds will follow.
Take away my false appetites Father and restore my right train of thought. Lead me to those that will feed my soul and nourish my spirit.
I lay claim to healing in body, mind and spirit.
I pray for Peace for Humanity, I pray for Perfect Guidance and Clear Understanding for all people in all things. And so it is.
I love each and every one of you, and yes Lori, some days, I love you just a little bit more.
Juliana
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The colors of the rainbow…
I awoke this morning just sure I must be having a heart attack…again. I hadn’t even moved and my chest hurt like a BITCH! I ran through a mental check list: No difficulty breathing, not clammy or sweaty. No headache…hmmmm. Then I moved and realized the rest of my body felt the same way. I had to giggle a little. You see YESTERDAY I got adventuresome and checked out ALL the workout equipment in the gym. I was even feeling pretty spry and proud of myself for going through all of them. Today however I swear to God even my nipples hurt.And I know the only way it’s gonna get better is to go back and do it all again. What have I gotten myself into?So I get up and turn on the tube while I get myself together and Joel Olsteen is on delivering his Sunday morning message. He’s saying all the right things: Don’t judge people by their differences. Look at people as individuals. God made the blacks, whites, Hispanics and Orientals. He made rich men and poor, Democrats and Republicans. Some people are Aggies and some are Longhorns. No one asked to be born a certain color,class or religion God decided that. All in all, we are all God’s children and if God made us then who are you to judge. Prejudice comes from the word Judge. You are judging someone for being different from the way you are.
Thank you Joel Olsteen. Now if only you could truly embrace and practice what you preach. Gay people are God’s children too. They were born that way. Just as others are black or white, blue-eyed or brown. Shame on you for not embracing the gays in your own mega church and shame on your brother-in-law in Arlington who canceled a memorial service for a Navy veteran 24 hours before it was to start because the deceased was gay.
Officials at the nondenominational High Point Church knew that Cecil Howard Sinclair was gay when they offered to host his service, said his sister, Kathleen Wright. But after his obituary listed his life partner as one of his survivors, she said, it was called off.
Simons ( The preacher) said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would
have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there.Did I mention that Cecil was a janitor at the mega church? A member of their own “CHURCH FAMILY” turned away 24 hours before his memorial. Where is the love? Where is the compassion and respect? It’s Prejudice. It’s judgment. It’s down right ugly.
You are right Joel. God made us all in his image. What a beautiful thing. What an incredible rainbow in the world people are. ALL of us. Each and every one of us. Gay, Straight, Aggie or Longhorn….We all play on the same team.
You may ask yourself. Who is this MAD FAT WOMAN, who is Juliana Wathen? I’ll tell you who I am. I am brilliant, gorgeous, funny and talented. I am a beacon of light that chases away the darkness. I am a cheerleader. I AM THAT I AM… .I am a Child of GOD…. Aren’t YOU?
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Human Touch
When was the last time you reached outside your comfort zone and took the time to touch someone during your day? I mean, really stop and make direct eye contact and engage someone for a moment that you didn’t even know. Not as part of your job but as a part of LIVING.I am guilty. Guilty of running from one task to the next from sun up to sundown, day in and day out, and in those moments letting the living pass me by. We are all probably guilty of ignoring people from time to time. Invisible people, homeless people, physically challenged people,the old and infirm….and yes, the service people who make are days easier by taking away our trash and clipping our lawns and taking away our dirty plates at the restaurant. DIFFERENCES inherently make people uncomfortable. I am aware that I make some people uncomfortable by being overweight. As a large person I can sense those that look PAST me and those that render me INVISIBLE .I therefore experience times and situations where I am painfully shy. Invisible has become my preference.
I saw a man the other morning through the window of my apartment gym as I was huffing away on the treadmill. He was tall, thin and blacker than black. He was putting up the umbrellas on the outside patio. He must have felt me watching him as he looked up and caught my gaze then immediately lowered his eyes and walked away.
I finished my 30 minute workout and headed upstairs to my apartment. I got a glass of water and a book and headed out to the courtyard to cool down , read and meditate by the fountain. It was cool outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain stilled my mind. I thought of the man I had seen earlier and wondered if he felt as invisible as I do.
I heard footsteps on the pavement and looked up and saw him again. He was on to his next task – cleaning the courtyard. I watched him for a moment. He made a point not to look up. And I thought…son of a bitch – he is as scared of me as I am of…everybody! In that moment I made the bold, spontaneous decision to speak. “Good morning” I said…making sure I spoke clearly and with purpose. He looked up and shyly returned the greeting. “What’s is your name?” I asked and he said “QUIT” in an obvious accent. I repeated his name and asked him “Where are you from?” He paused and seemed to relax a bit and settled his hands on his broom handle. “Africa” he said. I smiled and said ” Well, I am glad you are here. And THANK YOU for making our home such a nice place to live”. A large smile broke out across his face. He nodded his head and said “You are welcome”. In that moment I knew we had just made each others day.We shared in a human experience.
It made me glad I went to the gym. I made me glad I took the time to go meditate in the courtyard. I was glad I reached past my own discomfort to maybe ease the discomfort of another. Giving is a gift that comes back to you over and over.
Take the time to reach out and touch. SEE the people around you and you will be SEEN. All that flows from you and all that flows to you is good when it is sent with pure intent.
I love each and every one of you,
Juliana
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Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN..... 