Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Becoming Weightless…..

The closer you get to the end of your life the more concentrated the experience and memories of the past become. Our greatest moments of happiness seem like they just happened yesterday and the deepest wounds lay fresh, open and bleeding.

So I am finding in the final days with my father. He can’t tell you how old he is or what he had for dinner but continues to boast of his years abroad and the luxuries he allowed himself . Luxuries that left his family neglected emotionally, physically and financially. My mother has stayed for 54 yrs despite our best attempts at encouraging her to leave. Now he takes great pains to make sure we understand she stayed and “He won”.

I thought all these years she stayed because of the mind game he played. If you love me you won’t complain. If you love me you’ll tolerate my infidelity. I you love me money won’t be an issue. If you love me you’ll keep a home for me to return to. If you love me you’ll take care of me when I am sick and old. If you love me you will sit home and wait…and wait…and wait. I know now that it wasn’t the promises she made to him or for him. She promised GOD she would stay. She would honor the vows she made that day because THAT was who SHE was and who SHE needed to be to break thru to the other side.

I stood in the cross hairs yesterday, the target of my father’s dissatisfaction. I stood behind his wheelchair as he boasted to strangers how great his life was inspite of having horrible children. He pointed me out specifically and told them “She’s been trouble for 54 years”….I pointed out I was only 48…He said it didn’t matter I was trouble before I got here. He went on with his rant telling those that would listen that we tried to take away his wife… But she was still here. Like a TV evangelist he claimed his victory. He was the winner…and I was the loser. He was better than me and he could prove it. “NOBODY WANTED TO MARRY YOU”, he said.

I’d hand enough and wheeled him back inside and left him in the care of my mother and nurses. After two days of treatment he was able to go back home one more time, terminal, but not yet ready to leave this world.

I took them home, Denver and Wanda, and left for the solace of my own home immediately. I was still shocked and hurt by the venomous rant and tent revival testimony he shared with people in a hot parking lot. I pulled my car to the shoulder and reached out to the one person I still crave comfort from but it was not there. Only the Statement. “It’s not about you“.

Wanda had a love once and promised God she would stay. I had a love once and promised God I would pray.

The script was similar.

If you love me you’ll stay faithful and allow me to stray.

If you love me you’ll do all things my way.

You’ll hide in the shadows where no one will see, you’ll allow me to be who I want to be.

You’ll understand my needs and know they come first

You’ll tolerate the shame and all of the hurts

You’ll give up your friends and come when I call.

You’ll take what I give you, if you love me at all.

I didn’t live by the rules and she threw me away.

Yet it was still her comfort that I craved today.

One promised to stay; One promised to pray.

We’ve each learned our lessons, different hours, different days

We strive to become weightless

In our own time, in our own way.

You are correct, It’s not about me. It’s not about fathers and daughters, or mothers and lovers. It’s not about the have’s and have not’s you get in life. It’s about setting down that bag of rocks and leaving behind the burden. To honor the GOD within and lay down the prayer on a path in front of you of peace, guidance and perfect understanding in all things.

It’s about becoming weightless.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Comments on: "Becoming Weightless….." (15)

  1. crazy gets 0 points for predictability. It’s not capable of be kindness, sensitivity or respect either. love you Hu!

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  2. Amen Miss Juliana. Your star shines bright. He has to dim you shine because he’s dim in your goodness, selflessness, compassion and strength. No one can do that. He’s a sick old man with lots of regret and he’s lashing out. Your Mother is an angel and loves you and you her back, you’re bond with her he can’t penetrate. You can do this, you are love and life. Lashing because he missed the best part (you and Wanda) and down deep somewhere he knows it and has to hurt that because he’s angry. You won, you have roots. I love you, I can’t begin to know how hard this test is and I am lifting up you and yours up!
    ~Jill

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  3. I stand in awe of the gift of communication that you have been chosen for. Thanks for sharing….beautiful poem.

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  4. Oh lil bear where would I be without you in my life? I never want to find out

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  5. Amazing words, J…at one point or another, and at one level or another, I get it. Praying for the kind of peace you deserve. You are an angel…

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  6. Belinda Manning said:

    I am left speechless at his continued cruelty STILL. What I pray for Juliana is that you KNOW you are none of the things Denver says you are. You are a lifelong devoted friend to many. You have so many gifts that God has blessed you with because God chose you. Your continued positive attitude and eloquent words of wisdom you share with everyone are for you and for others (Us) because you are giving like that.
    I have for the last nearly 30 years have had a great respect for you and it only grows. I know you are aware how loved you are. Just don’t forget it.
    Love you forever….
    😉

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  7. I love you JMW

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  8. I love you back LJM

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  9. It’s amazing how our father’s still have the power to hurt us years after we have “grown up”. I applaud you for you keeping it together and remembering that right now, as things come to an end, you are there more for your mother than him. He doesn’t deserve either of you, probably knows that deep down and is just lashing out because he can. I admire you, Juliana, and your wonderful eloquence in comunicating, even painful things. God made you for a reason and you are an inspiration to me. We didn’t know each other all that well at CHS, but I believe you have come back into my life to inspire me and help me keep my life in perpective. Keep your head up and know that you *are* a wonderful woman!

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  10. Carlynne,
    I’m not so sure how well I keep it together some days. It is a challenge day by day. It seems the only way I can get thru it is to write it down and send it out to the Universe. It helps me…if it helps someone else then that is God’s gift more than mine.

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  11. You know, sometimes you read a poem or random thoughts and just laugh because you know the source of the inspiration. You can choose to over-relate, ignore the fact that you relate a little too much, or you can just appreciate the fact that someone else out there has felt the exact same thing, and reacted in the exact same way. You’re a strong woman, and every day we choose to breathe in and out (because it is a choice), you simply become more willing to be YOU, IMHO. Sounds like Denver became exactly who he was towards the end, and you are doing the same for yourself, in a much more positive way. Blessings to you in the days to follow. Just keep breathing in and out–it makes the world a better place.

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