Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: motivational

  • Life in a box…..

    I never realized how many people live “inside the box”, sheltered and protected from life’s judgements,  till I started asking questions. And all I asked for was their STATS. You know….Hair color, eye color, height and weight….

    In response to yesterday’s post I received stats on only 8  people out of 109 readers. They all answered the first three stats.  Only 6 posted where everyone could see….2 people sent me a private email. BUT of those, not everyone filled in weight. There were however some very creative responses.

    Weight: Enough

    Weight: More than enough

    And the winner is        Weight: A Hundred and Plenty.

    For those few that OWNED it – YOU ROCK!

    You would think that people would be more open these days. They post everything about their lives on Facebook and I do mean EVERYTHING. Everyone wants you to “Copy and re-post” their latest causes. There are major debates about politics and religion….which I can remember all my days being told in the South you NEVER discuss politics or religion in mixed company. Course, I never was real clear if  “mixed Company” meant Republicans & Democrats or men & women….Still don’t know…ha! and don’t care so much.

    If you think people divulge too much info on FB then check an on-line dating site.There are bra sizes 36 B or 42DD and “supposed” male endowments…but ask them how much they weigh and they run screaming from the chat room like a little girl. Makes me giggle!

    I’m not sure what they think they are hiding…I can spot a size 18 or a 48 regular a hell of a lot quicker than I can tell their eyes are blue. IT’S JUST A NUMBER FOLKS!!!  IT DOESN’T DEFINE YOU!

    So, not only did I POST my stats yesterday. 296 lbs if you missed it. I took it a bit further…How? Hmmmmmmm. Where would over a million people be able to see my numbers every week? Every bump and every bulge EXPOSED?

    You got it! I applied on-line to Americas Biggest Loser today and I am going to take my big blues eyes to Austin, Texas on Saturday to meet with the Casting Team. Doesn’t matter if I get cast or not. It just matters that I am choosing to live OUTSIDE THE BOX. Better yet…I’m choosing to live.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • BIG DOGS…..

    Mark Twain said it best. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, It’s the size of the fight in the dog”.

    Well, what can I say? This bitch….which I mean with the sincerest form of canine flattery, is not giving up yet!

    I haven’t weighed in for the last three weeks…which if Weight Watchers was really earning their money and  watching me they would have known and reported to the proper dietary authorities. But since I heard no bells and whistles nor did I see the food police hanging out in front of my very secure apartment, I must have gotten away with the 21 day furlow.

    All is not lost my lil chickas! I have my new Bobby Sherman lunch box to inspire me back to dietary greatness! But that of course means the dreaded  WEIGH IN.

    I noticed that my precious lil Bobby had his stats printed  on the side of the lunch box. Somehow I felt closer to him just knowing his parent’s names, that he had a sister, where he was born and of course his height, weight, hair and eye color. Ha! That little smidge on information really did satisfy the quizzical desires of a 7 yr old  back in 1970 didn’t it? And bless his heart, 5’9″ tall and only 135lbs….I could break him like a twig with just one hug.

    ANYWAY….If lil Bobby…and a do mean little…could put up his stats up for the world  to see then what the hell. I can too.

    This may not be pretty but here goes.

                      JULIANA

    Juliana Marie Wathen

    January 4, 1963

    Born : Tulsa, Oklahoma

    Parents: Wanda and Denver Wathen

    Siblings: Irby, Denise, Vern and Fred

    Height: 5’4″                           Weight: 296 lbs

    Hair Color: Lady Clairol            Eye Color: Blue

    Wow….I feel better already. I don’t think I’ll ever weigh 135lbs but I’m sure gonna give it my best shot to keep on keeping on. I’m fighting the battle for a healthier me. I’ve got a lot on my plate so to speak and it ain’t chicken!  I took up Weight Watchers in April and my starting weight was 310. I got down to 290 three weeks ago so hopefully I can regain my ground and keep on going.

    Just remember, If you can’t run with the big dogs…..stay on the porch!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU”……


    You’re right……… It’s not about me…..it’s about moments and getting through to the next one.

    AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS

    Life is a lesson….I hate home work.

  • A long day’s night…..

    The day has been long sitting in a cold hospital room  navigating the ups and downs of Denver’s final care. He has slept most the day with only one incident of pain that required morphine. They dilated his lungs to help him breath and so he eased into the final tests today after refusing them earlier in the day.

    I have all my gadgets with me, cell phone, laptop and ipod to keep me occupied. The room is dim and cold and not meant for “visitors” so much.  They have a pantry of Scooby snacks just down the hall…..not the Scooby snacks I should have perhaps, but the hot chocolate has helped to knock the frost off my nose for the moment.

    Wanda sits huddled in her chair wrapped in the bright blue blanket that came from the ambulance ride. The windowless room keeps us from really keeping up with the passage of the day. It has been marked more by the passing of nursing shifts and technicians than anything else. They all try and engage Denver in conversation and ask a bevy of questions.  He has stated three different ages today. He has been 60, 90 and 80….the last one being the correct answer. When asked if he ever had any surgery he responded , “oh no!”…as he dangled his ONLY leg off the bed. Denver’s pat answer to most all questions today has been, “I guess” and “whatever”. His marquee charm has left the building.

    We’re not sure what the night will hold. We live in the moment. Something we should do everyday anyway. If he stabilizes we will probably take him back home. If not, well, let’s just live in the moment shall we.

    My friend Lori’s Dad is just upstairs with pneumonia. We seem to be living parallel lives these past few weeks. It’s all good.  Two against one is pretty good odds.

    I love each and every one of you and am bless to know that my family is in so many prayers this evening.

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • LOVE doesn’t know the difference…..

    My note from the UNIVERSE arrived this morning by email as it does every morning. Isn’t it just great the things you can sign up for on the internet, coupons, airline notices and NOTES from the UNIVERSE? It said,  ” Some, Juliana, are better loved from afar. For a while, anyway and that’s okay. Besides, Juliana, LOVE doesn’t really know the difference“.

    I realized this afternoon that I had shared that same sentiment three times through the course of my day.

    8:45am. I pulled over my little zoom-zoom car and rolled down my window and stopped to chat with a friend on my way to work. She in turn took the time to share with me that she has had to make the painful decision to severe her relationship with her grown son. His addiction, poor choices and the general chaos that surrounds him are too much to handle and in fact threaten her livelihood and her ability to care for herself. It just seemed she needed to hear she had done the right thing.  I shared with her my note from the Universe, “Some are better loved from afar”.

    It is a common misconception that if you “Love” someone you will do anything for them. Co-dependent people and addicts know the saying very well and brandish it about like a sharp edged sword to get your attention. Psssst…It’s called MANIPULATION…. Just saying.

    There are times when the most loving thing you can do however is NOTHING…but love from afar. That means you don’t pay for their cell phone. You don’t give them a car so they can get to the job they never seem to have. You can’t pay their rent or do their laundry.  Realize, that if their choices continue to lead them down a self-destructive path ,then that is the path they have chosen. Love them enough to let them learn the life lessons they have mapped out for themselves. There is a reason for it.

    12:30pm and I chat with one of my best girlfriends who has been doing the commitment dance with her favorite man “Blue eyes” for years now. He has broken her heart more times than I can count. But only because she keeps serving it up on a decorative platter complete with garnish, country gravy and a sharp steak knife. There is NO commitment, NO regular progression in the relationship, NO foundation so it ends….again. But he always comes around every 3 or 4 months with a wink and a smile and she is always waiting. She claims she loves him….but it is killing her and trapping her in a time warp worse than any Twilight Zone rerun. My advise has always been, “Listen and he will tell you the truth.”  She whines like a broken record . He says he is BROKEN and can’t give himself to a relationship” Well, baby girl, wake up and smell the tar bubbling on the rooftop….eeewww that is a nasty smell. And  THAT is his TRUTH.  He clings to it like a security blanket and you can’t rip it away from him. He doesn’t want a relationship – he lives to sit in his sandbox and play by himself.

    Why is it, we think, if we just love someone more, love that person harder, devote our time and attention and sacrifice more than any other person before us that they will just wake up one day and have this grand epiphany and decide “HEY, I COULD OF HAD A V8 AND  A GIRLFRIEND!” . Love doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I’ve tried. Take the ROMANCE NOVEL out of the equation and LOVE that person unconditionally and you will release them to walk the path they have chosen and in turn release yourself to find the partner that fits your needs.  Some people, my chicka, are better LOVED  from afar.

    2:37pm I sat  in the front showroom at work to watch the much welcomed rain on my break. The office is quiet. A group had just left to go see our co-worker & friend, Randy ,who lays in a coma at home, family by his side. He is in the end stages of cancer and  passing from this earth. It won’t be long Doctor’s say. 2 days or 10, no telling. Darryl, his long time friend, stood at the reception counter staring into the front parking lot.   “I couldn’t go”.  He said….”I can’t see him like this…it’s not how I want to remember him.”

    For the third time today I shared my morning message from the Universe. “It’s okay…. LOVE doesn’t know the difference” It doesn’t know the distance…..how near or how far. It doesn’t keep time or come in measured allotments. LOVE simply IS.  Randy will know in his spirit that Darryl loved him whether he stands beside his bed and holds his hand or beside images of Randy’s best work rotating on a slide show on the wall mounted flat screen.

    LOVE is something you give, freely and without conditions. It doesn’t require shipping and handling, a box or a bow. You don’t have to sign for it or send it certified mail. Sometimes it comes back  “Return to Sender” and other times it’s like an underwear chain letter and you get more pairs back in the mail in more sizes and colors than you could ever imagine.

    Sometimes a post card find you years after it was mailed. The NO became a YES and you realize that you were LOVED from afar.

    In the infamous good words of LAW ,

    ” I don’t love you cause I need you.  I need you, because I love you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Unconditional Love…..

     

    Punkin….my ‘lil Punkin…Punky Brooster, my Bugger. I brought him home in July in 1994 a scared and skittish barn kitten from my mother’s house. Slowly we got to know one another and he kept me company these last 17 yrs.

    Today, we took that final ride to the vet. He once was a fat cat of 18 lbs at one time but old age has taken its toll. Today he barely weighed in at 8lbs. I described his recent behavior and the doctor nodded with an understanding look of concern as he stroked his head and scratched behind his ear to put him at ease. Some of that concern was for Punkin and some I think was for me. He said senility had set in along with varying health issues too far gone to address. I assumed he was still talking about Punkin but I honestly wasn’t sure. I felt old and tired myself. He said I could leave, I didn’t have to stay…But as I have said before, no one should die alone. Not even a pet. In spite of that belief, I wanted to bolt out of that exam room door, run to my car and not look back, but I forced my feet to the floor, locked my knees and stayed. I owed him for all the nights he crawled in next to me. For all the times he stayed next to me when I was sick or just flat broken-hearted. For all the times he woke me up with a nudge and a loud cry because I was late for work and HE wanted my pillow. He, like almost all animals loved unconditionally. There were no rules, no restrictions or compromise. Just love and appreciation. Give and take.

    I held him tight as a sedative was given, then a few minutes later the final injection to stop his heart. For a cat that was known for how loud he could be, he never cried, not once. This time I was the loud one.

    I came home tonight to “Punkin patches” of silver fur still clinging to carpet and chairs. I have looked up several times thinking he was on my feet. But a quick glance confirms he is gone.

    People have so much to learn from the SIMPLER beast. If we could just master that one thing they seemed to have perfected eons ago, unconditional love, then the world would truly be Heaven on Earth. Put aside the “IF”S, AND’S or BUT’S ” and just love. Can you do it?

    I can try.

    I love each and every one of you, unconditionally tonight

    Prayers and angels for my Punkin tonight.

    Juliana

     

  • XXX Confessions…..

    Dieting, I am beginning to realize, is a lot like sex. When you have to do the same thing over and over it can get stale and let’s face it – boring. The temptation to stray can be overwhelming. Excitement mounts at the thought of something new,different and dangerous. Before you know it you’re sitting at Phil & Derek’s Cafe having a threesome over the most sinful dish of macaroni and cheese with white truffle oil that you ever dipped your spoon in. Work with me here. I’m still talking about the dieting.

    Jimmie Swaggart may have only paid a prostitute to take of her clothes so he could watch over…and over…and over. But I dove right in and tasted the forbidden fruit. And ooooh my God is was gooooood!!!! Ounce for ounce my mac-n-cheese cost WAY more than a New Orleans hooker but it was worth every penny. I know you are supposed to confess with remorse in your heart but I just can’t muster any up right now.

    Life happens and stress mounts as family matters pop up and friends pass or fall on hard times. It’s harder and harder to MAKE TIME to take care of my business. But I know the only one I am neglecting is myself. I didn’t feel as good this week as I had been feeling so I worked today on getting back on track. I battled the 4th of July foodies at the local grocery fighting their way through the hotdogs and beer and gathered up a bevy of heathy Scooby Snacks and dinner fix’ins. I came home and fixed up my two-week supply of snack bags for work.And now I feel a little better about the whole situation.

    I guess I’m standing before the congregation of life and proclaiming my re-dedication to the cause. I feel like I should say the Pledge of Allegiance or something to make it official but instead…I’m gonna put my feet up and watch Paula Deen on the cooking channel. Mmmm. I love me some Paula Deen!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Dance with my father……

    My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”

    Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.

    I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.

    I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.

    I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses  to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.

    I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.

    What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.

    I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Video link to Dance with My Father.

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  • Southern Comfort…..

    “DENVER WATHEN’S ham-sized hands cradled his reel with the sensitivity of a surgeon feeling a pulse. Then he quickly lowered the rod tip, cranked up slack line, and reared back hard enough to cross the eyes of an alligator.”  Bob Brister  – Houston Chronicle 1986

    We were told yesterday that my father, Denver, has Bladder Cancer and all the doctors can offer at this point is to keep him comfortable. So we took him back home. I took notice of how poorly he looked, hap-hazardly shaven and thin silver hair the length of General Custard’s at the last stand.It curled up and over his collar. We are past the point of taking “Mohammed to the mountain” to get a hair cut. He is not well enough to make the trip. So, I did what I thought I should do for the man I rarely touch. I offered to cut his hair. I have worried these last few years how I would be able to step up and do the right thing for him in his end days. And now that day is here. Come to find out, a horribly dull set of house scissors and a old black comb were all I needed to comfort him. He had to rest half way thru, sitting up was a chore. But in the end he managed and I managed. We muddled through together each realizing this was uncharted territory. Before I left, he thanked me ….for cutting his hair…and for staying a while.

    He was always most comfortable on a lake fishing I guess. Mexico, Yucatan, or Cuba. The staff writer who traveled down to Mexico to fish with him in 1986 sure seemed to capture that in the quote above.

    How do you keep THIS man comfortable?. A step at a time. A day at a time. I’m sure it will come to me when I need it most. Just like yesterday.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Straw and mud hut in Africa
    Hippos on the lake in Africa
    Denver's cabana in Cuba

  • Top 10 list for a class reunion…..

     GOING WILD AND HAVING FUN – WE’RE THE CLASS OF ’81

    They just don’t make high school cheers the way they (we) used to. I have a  30 year high school class reunion in 11 days….yep 30 yrs….OMG!  Okay – that exclamation was not for the number of years but for the revelation I have experienced lately listening to all the 48 yr olds whine how “no one will remember who I am” and “I don’t think any one liked me back then” or “those people scared the hell out of me then why would I wanna see them NOW?”

    Take a breath…a deep, deep, deeeeep breath….(just like in the 80’s except without the funny lil pipe) and let it out……..

    GET OVER IT! You were not the wall flower you thought you were. You were not invisible for 4 years of school, 7 classes a day and just because you skipped the pep rally and went to the lake or to play darts and scarf down at beer at Weber’s BBQ before health class, we still have a pretty good recollection of who we went to school with.

    Here are some easy guidelines to get you through the weekend.

    1.) SOMEONE had a crush on you that you never knew about. He’ll probably blurt this out while introducing you to his 3rd wife. Don’t worry. He is harmless.

    2.) The guy you had a crush on that you were sure didn’t know you existed…he didn’t ask you out because he thought you were too pretty to say “yes” to him or what the hell. He’s just GAY – get over it!

    3.) And ANY BODY that introduces you to their partner? Most likely NOT who they work with but who they live with – again….get over it!

    4.) Those pretty girls that never offered to share their lip-gloss in the bathroom will be begging you to buy their Arbonne Cosmetic line out of the trunk of their car.

    5.) The guy that  hung out at the PATIO between classes with the long hair wearing rock concert t-shirts and jeans everyday with his leather “monkey knot” necklace from PDAP….retired CEO of an internet start up. The BENTLEY in the parking lot is his. He may have even tossed you his keys when he pulled up honestly mistaking you for the valet.

    6.) Speaking of hair – if they HAD hair – they may not now, be prepared. If they didn’t have boobs – well, the ones they bought in LA may put your eye out, be equally prepared.

    7.) If someone shows up in your personal space every blasted time you walk out of the bathroom…don’t panic. They are not stalking you, they just can’t hold their beer any better than you can.

    8.) BTW….Report all stalkers to Management.

    9.) If he’s divorced now…and you’re divorced and ….you’re thinking…. it’s fate….it’s probably the vodka…which is probably WHY you are divorced…and he’s divorced….proceed with caution.

    10.) If you’ve had a sex change operation and feel the need to show the former Cheerleaders & Pep Squad how they SHOULD have done it…go to the bar immediately and ask the bartender to find me  or Lori  Acker-Westmoreland, we have experience with  interventions.

    People change, people stay the same…I think it’s worth the risk to see the results.

    After all – I was just a shy, delicate flower in High School and I haven’t changed a bit.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana