Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

I Hear ya Loud and Clear

I am human….now, what the hell. What does that mean?

Does it mean I am a person? An emotional being? A conscious participant in life? HUMAN…it is such an ambiguous term.

Take for instance, if you heard over a loud speaker in a hospital Emergency Room….HUMAN in exam room 24″ …Well, it tells you someone came in and they are sick. No details though – you don’t know if they are male or female, young or old, or even how sick.  All makes sense to the doctors, right? They are sick – go see them. And if you are the patient in exam room 24 you’re thinking,” Thank God! I’m in exam room 24, help is on the way. I’m NEXT, I’M NEXT, I’M NEXT!!!!”

What if you heard instead  – over the load speaker ” Morbidly Obese, Female, 48 with CHF and history of PE in respiratory distress room 24″. OUCH! Really? That is something you feel the need to announce over to the whole, entire ER? It felt like they were putting out an alarm. Warning! Warning! Fat Lady in 24~repeat FAT lady in 24″. I already felt like crap so it was just piling insult on top of injury at that point. It made me uncomfortable. And to deflect attention from my size I engaged the health professionals as little as possible and instead focused on texting and reaching outside the ER for some sort of comfort or validation that I was indeed a person, a friend, a daughter, an employee, a girlfriend. Anything I could be BEFORE being MORBIDLY OBESE. Nothing chased away the thought. As fate would have it, I would be placed in isolation and have three days to chew on this thought and how it made me feel. THAT is what humans do. We FEEL things and then we try to figure out WHY we feel them.

What I came up with is: I don’t want my life to be defined by my size. I don’t want my size to be what everyone notices first. And yet it is. I’m that “big girl” everywhere I go.

I looked up the morbid obesity chart and I would have to lose 82 lbs to just be considered OBESE and drop the “Morbidly” intro.  Can I do it? You bet your sweet ass I can. A few years back, I didn’t think I could do a lot of things on my own and I have proved myself wrong. I am out in front of the crowd and I am standing tall. I am stronger than I have ever been in body, mind and spirit. I don’t NEED what I thought I needed. I have walked through fire and come out on the other side. I am reborn and take flight like the Phoenix from the ash. To do that I had to LOVE MYSELF where others could not.I had to express that love in new ways that I had never experienced before. I had to forgive my inner self and embrace that chubster in a hug like no one else had ever felt. And I did.

I realize now that life is a symphony and the people in our lives the notes on the page. Sometimes you experience the full orchestra and sometimes just the simple , tight melodic tone of a horn solo echoing over the masses. Each instrument plays an intricate part in the overall concert and evokes a different emotion. Life is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Being HUMAN can be beautiful if you start with loving yourself.

Love yourself TODAY no matter what your size, shape or condition. Hearing myself referred to as MORBIDLY OBESE was just a reminder that was NOT who I wanted to be.

As you love yourself, so shall you become more beautiful to behold.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Comments on: "I Hear ya Loud and Clear" (7)

  1. Juliana, they really said that over a loud speaker? That should NOT happen, not ever, and on behalf of nurses I want to say I’m sorry first and second I will hunt them down and…oops ….public forum…..
    We are nurses, we are to heal. Physically, emotionally do no harm and help you be the best you can be. That means in everything we do and everything we say as well as in the way we look at, speak to and touch our patients. Every method of communication should be aimed at healing. Again, I am sorry that happened to you.
    And according I am considered obese as well. We can support each other and get it off! Determined woman can move mountains.
    luv back acha!

    Like

  2. That made me laugh out loud! You rock. I loved this post….so clear, so true, so YOU!! Love u my musical note. ♪

    Like

  3. Oh Huli! I want to march down to those ER people & give them an ear full! I am sad that they did that to such an AMAZING woman! And I DO mean AMAZING! You inspire me, you fill my heart, I don’t get to see you enough. I miss you. Please bring that wonderful-to-hug, not morbidly obese, body to my house & we will fill our souls with laughter….and ritas! How about tonight?????

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  4. Joyce Floyd said:

    You are beautiful and you are wonderful!!!! and you can and will accomplish anything you want to!!!!!!!

    Like

  5. Belinda Manning said:

    You ARE Beautuful inside and out and I know it! YES…..most importantly YOU need to know it. I do hope you realize that soon my friend.
    I love you.

    Like

  6. Belinda Manning said:

    I am morbidly appalled at this ER!!!…..My jaw is gaping wide open reading this.
    This sort of thing NEVER happened when I work in the ER and NEVER would.
    They need to know what that meant to you so they will not do this stupid crap to others.

    Like

  7. Kim Dollar said:

    Jules… you don’t have 82 pounds to lose! You only have ONE POUND to lose, TODAY… 🙂

    Like

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