Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: mid life

  • The colors of the rainbow…

    I awoke this morning just sure I must be having a heart attack…again. I hadn’t even moved and my chest hurt like a BITCH! I ran through a mental check list: No difficulty breathing, not clammy or sweaty. No headache…hmmmm. Then I moved and realized the rest of my body felt the same way. I had to giggle a little. You see YESTERDAY I got adventuresome and checked out ALL the workout equipment in the gym. I was even feeling pretty spry and proud of myself for going through all of them. Today however I swear to God even my nipples hurt.And I know the only way it’s gonna get better is to go back and do it all again. What have I gotten myself into?

    So I get up and turn on the tube while I get myself together and Joel Olsteen is on delivering his Sunday morning message. He’s saying all the right things: Don’t judge people by their differences. Look at people as individuals. God made the blacks, whites, Hispanics and Orientals. He made rich men and poor, Democrats and Republicans. Some people are Aggies and some are Longhorns. No one asked to be born a certain color,class or religion God decided that. All in all, we are all God’s children and if God made us then who are you to judge. Prejudice comes from the word Judge. You are judging someone for being different from the way you are.

    Thank you Joel Olsteen. Now if only you could truly embrace and practice what you preach. Gay people are God’s children too. They were born that way. Just as others are black or white, blue-eyed or brown. Shame on you for not embracing the gays in your own mega church and shame on your brother-in-law in Arlington who canceled a memorial service for a Navy veteran 24 hours before it was to start because the deceased was gay.

    Officials at the nondenominational High Point Church knew that Cecil Howard Sinclair was gay when they offered to host his service, said his sister, Kathleen Wright. But after his obituary listed his life partner as one of his survivors, she said, it was called off.

    Simons ( The preacher)  said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would
    have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there.

    Did I mention that Cecil was a janitor at the mega church? A member of their own “CHURCH FAMILY” turned away 24 hours before his memorial. Where is the love? Where is the compassion and respect? It’s Prejudice. It’s judgment. It’s down right ugly.

    You are right Joel. God made us all in his image. What a beautiful thing. What an incredible rainbow in the world people are. ALL of us. Each and every one of us. Gay, Straight, Aggie or Longhorn….We all play on the same team.

    You may ask yourself. Who is this MAD FAT WOMAN, who is Juliana Wathen? I’ll tell you who I am. I am brilliant, gorgeous, funny and talented. I am a beacon of light that chases away the darkness. I am a cheerleader. I AM THAT I AM… .I am a Child of GOD…. Aren’t YOU?

  • Fat Bottomed Girls….

    I treated myself to a morning…and I do mean the whole, entire morning…sleeping in. Aghhh my God it was a religious experience! But all good things must come to an end. The phone rang and I was up. Coffee and bagel and two cooking shows later I decided to head to the gym to check out the other mysterious equipment surrounding my favorite treadmill.

    There are a bevy of machines all designed to inflict torture…I mean, exercise various strategic portions of the human body. All are adjustable to your height and capabilities and relatively easy to use and effective. I put myself through the paces. I pushed and pulled on all the appropriate handles and pads and was feeling a little cocky….It was even…forgive me….FUN! Then, I decided to try out the stationary bicycle. It was cool looking with its screen, buttons and gears. You would think the bike to be a rather relaxing, non intimidating apparatus.It has a TV monitor and various simulated “trails” you can ride  and even a “pacer” (that would be the simulated rider in front of you ) so you can take in the sights and stare at his ass the whole workout.

    I assumed the position and slide my feet onto the pedals and pushed the buttons to  begin my CROSS COUNTRY ride. The pacer appeared just up in front of me on my right hand side. I admit I knocked him out by running him over within the first quarter-mile but he just kept getting back up and getting in my way. I ended up on the grass several times as it wasn’t the easiest thing to steer. Before completing the first lap I had ended up in the creek once and smashed into a tree…or two. And we just won’t talk about the PACER anymore, bless his heart. I was 10 minutes into my ride before I was finally getting the hang of it when I began to feel sore. And it was getting worse. Muscles were burning and I wasn’t even in a low gear. But it wasn’t my legs that were giving out. It was my ASS. You see the damn seat is less than 6 inches wide. Standard  size I later found out. And well, let’s just call it like we see it. My ASS is certainly bigger than a 6 inch wide bicycle seat. My tail bone was numb. My cheeks were screaming and I had to bail. OMG!  That was torture!

    As I walked around the gym to try to restore the blood flow to my butt cheeks I just started laughing to myself and singing the classic QUEEN song. “Fat Bottomed Girls, they make the rocking world go round”.

    Yes they do! And until I can reduce the QUEEN sized width of my behind this FAT BOTTOMED GIRL is sticking to the treadmill.

    I love each and  every one you

    Juliana

  • Put A Bow On It!

    A very old and wise woman reminded me yesterday that every day is a gift – so put an ef’ing bow on it!  Okay…maybe she’s not THAT old but she is pretty darn savy none the less. And she is 100% correct! There I said it! Lori Westmoreland is RIGHT as rain!

    Size cannot be a determining factor in dressing up your day and enjoying the moment. We live in the NOW, not tomorrow or next week or next month. And yeah – it’s great if you lose 10 lbs next month and you can wear those OTHER jeans but not having lost it TODAY should not keep you from living life to the max and making the best of what God gave you.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And if you aren’t BEHOLDEN your own beauty in the mirror then shame on you! SIZE is not the issue. SELF ESTEEM is the issue. So as Lori says – “Go get your toes done – you’ll feel better”. She has a point. DO something for yourself that makes you feel beautiful. Stop hiding behind the mental image of how you think you should look and LIVE today. Stop dreaming about that “Coming out” party your gonna throw for yourself when you weight 100 lbs less. Come out NOW! Walk the red carpet TODAY! Life is a gift and so am I. Don’t love me for just who I am on the inside of the box. Don’t love me “inspite” of my size.  Love me….. gift wrapped, bow and all. SELF ESTEEM….It’s sexier than SIZE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Nothing more than Feelings

    I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

    My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

    It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

    When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

    If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

    I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

    I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…First Place

    I am the worst person when it comes to self restraint. I live big, I work BIG and I LOVE BIG. Like a pit bull lock jawed on a burglar I don’t like giving up what I love. And let’s face it. I love to eat or I wouldn’t weigh 300 lbs. But all that BIG LIVING leaves little time to dedicate to loving myself in a bigger way and making a plan to eat and live better.

    On Friday I had to go to a meeting downtown.There was no parking anywhere near the building I needed to go to and the thought of walking 6 city blocks make me sick to my stomach. But I got out, purse on one shoulder and binder in my hand, I huffed it…… all the way to 811 Dallas. I reached my final destination panting and sweating like a prime swine at the rodeo pig races. But alas there was no one there to give me an Oreo for making it to the finish line, or a chair…or a drink of water.Thank God I got to catch my breath and pat my brow while waiting on the elevator before meeting my client.

    I stepped on the elevator and with a deep heavy sigh…it dawned on me. THAT was exercise! AND I LIVED!!!!!!

    It wasn’t a race where you get a ribbon or a marathon for a great cause. It was just me and the concrete. The only one who realized what an accomplishment it was for a 300 lb woman with heart failure….was me. And  then, that  “inner voice” that always seems to speak to me when I least expect it. When I’m alone and quite….like in an elevator being hauled up to the top floor of a downtown office building for a meeting I was late to, it  said to me “Just because you know you won’t place first is no reason not to run the race”.

    Hmmmmm.Well, I’ll be! That’s the beauty of life. You get to enter a new race everyday. Sometimes you win and get a ribbon, sometimes you place and find new friends on the podium and other times you cross the finish line last. But that’s okay. The only ones that the evening news ever shows crossing the finish line are the winner and the last to complete the course. Smile for the camera baby! YOU MADE IT!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Easy as riding a bike.

    For those of us who remain single, the next week is well, uncomfortable. The media is bombarding us with images of doting lovers intent on expressing their deepest feelings of love and appreciation. Morning shows engage in unscientific experiments measuring which national florist provides the best bang for you buck. And of course the hottest question of the day….is it from JARED’S?

    Valentine’s Day is just another day….a day we want to get past. The sooner it is over, the better.Well, we may act like it’s “JUST ANOTHER DAY” but deep down inside we all long for the same thing. Someone to say they care.

    Instead of sitting home and crying over all the lost loves of the past while you eat Hagan Das and watch the sappiest movie possible on the Hallmark Channel, try something new.

    OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE. You can’t fill a cup that has a lid on it.

    You may not find love the first time out, or the second or third. But I can gaurantee you will never find it at home while you sit in your granny panties and PJ’s. Love is like everything else in the Universe. If you want it. You gotta be open to it.

    And yes there may be bumps and bruises along the way. But it never kept you from playing outside as a kid. So get back out there. It’s as easy as riding a bike. If you need to borrow my training wheels just let me know. I’ll put you on the list as soon as I am done with them.

  • Gotta play to win.

    Some days, I just don’t wanna play. Plain and simple. My mental “get up and go” has “got up and went”.I’m hesitating on the door step of life and really just want to turn around and walk my big butt right back into the house, shuck my clothes and crawl back in bed. Warm, cozy,big bed with overstuffed pillows and soft sheets. Snuggling down, aghh… then a heavy sigh…sleep and dreams fill my eyes with visions of sweet tropical island bliss. The warm sun on my skin. The fresh scent of the ocean. A colorful, rum spiked cocktail with a paper umbrella and a wedge of suculent pineapple  in my hand. Beside me?  A long-legged mate with the most incredible blue eyes……………Ring-Ring, Ding- Ding…tweeeeeeet!!!!!

    The sounds of NOTIFICATIONS from my Blackberry fire off in rapid succession and I am rudely awakened and kicked back into the game of life. Seeing as there is no back up quarterback  to replace “ME”…I gotta suit up and get out there. I got plays to call today! I got the end zone in sight. It’s all or nothing!

    YOU GOTTA BE IN IT TO WIN IT!

    You can sit on the bench and dream about your BIG CHANCE or you can go out there and make it happen.

    Ring-Ring, Ding-Ding, TWEET TWEET, I’m GOING!

  • UP!

    Okay Saturday morning…how you do’in? I’m up. Maybe not completely vertical but up none the less. I have a cup of coffee, have called two after-hours techs for equipment for a show tomorrow and since my laundry is done and the cat is fed…..I’m stuck staring at my YOGA DVD.

    Why is the thought of starting a 20 minute yoga routine such a drudgery. It’s gonna make me feel better. I’ll be more flexible. I’ll be focused for the day. My circulation will increase! Maybe I’m just afraid what the good old oxygen rich blood might do to those starved nether regions. I don’t want no trouble outta yous guys!

    The sectional sofa is calling my name like a siren from the shore. The chatter on Facebook is all about the new French cooking show on the Food Network and the remote control is just….right…there. The glistening bottle of amber Amaretto sitting on my kitchen counter is screaming “Put me in the God Damn Coffee!”. Sofa, Snuggie, TV, Coffee GOODNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

    And then I hear in a calm soothing voice…..”The couch will still be there in 20 minutes. You can TiVo the cooking channel and the Amaretto….well, and wouldn’t you rather trade in the Amaretto for a glass of wine at dinner tonight?”

    What?     Who said that?  Hmmmm, nobody here but me and Punkin and that cat ain’t talking.  Then comes a whisper in my ear…”Inner Voice”.

    Aghhh yes, I remember now. I have been praying for guidance and meditating to “hear” the answers. Well, just smack me on the back and call me successful. I was LISTENING and didn’t even know it. I guess this stuff really does work.

    Okay – I am up. DVD in and me and my new boyfriend Rodney Yee are gonna get down to some YOGA. Excuse me. Check ya later.

    Namaste

    Juliana

    The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. “Nama” means bow, “as” means I, and “te” means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means “bow me you” or “I bow to you”    Aadil Palkhivala’s

  • Nothing but net!

    I was lucky enough last weekend to witness a group of women coming together from around the state for a day of saying “THANK YOU” to a woman who set their life foundation over thirty years ago.Each woman can follow the bouncing ball all the way back to “Downtown” Shirley Brown, their Jr. High Basketball coach.

    She instilled in them a can do attitude and work ethic that serves them still today.She took the time to teach them about basketball and about life. She gave them the tools to work as  team members in their community. She only ever asked that they do their best. And so they gathered to honor a woman who made a difference.

    There are people like this in your life. Many times there are more than one. But if you followed the bouncing ball who would you find? Did you ever tell them about the difference they made in your life? The beauty of life is the gift of giving. Take the time to tell someone they mattered. They made a difference. They gave a gift. It might be the best gift you can ever give them.

    I  love each and everyone of you

    Juliana

  • It’s already here.

    I find I am at a point in my life where I keep asking, “What’s next?”. There is a driving force within me that has awaken and is pushing me in new directions. I keep sensing I should be doing something new and different with my life.There seems to be an underlying purpose to everything I am experiencing and yet most of it is still unclear. It’s just a feeling, a sense, that I am moving into a new phase in life.

    I am not unique. Women of my age face a change in life far greater than physical. For the most part we are no longer raising small children- they are gone from the nest. Or the prospect of ever having children of our own has passed us by. Some by choice and others by circumstance. We no longer live in the shadow of a spouse or our parents.We are our own person. We finally have the time and energy to focus attention on ourselves.

    When you finally take the time to center your energy and listen to what your higher mind, GOD or the Universe has to tell you the question is: “What’s next?”….Where do I go from here?

    There is a direction meant just for you. There are accomplishments yet to be realized. The time is NOW.

    There is an underlying energy in the Universe just waiting for you to connect to it. Recharge your batteries and move ahead. Your best years are yet to come.

    I love each and everyone of you

    Juliana