Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: mid life

  • Dancing with my pillow……

    Remember when you were a kid and you had a record player?…Ha, yeah I know – waaaayyyyy back when. Well, I had a flip top portable that played 45 records and I, like many others, had a few favorite records that skipped. The same phrase would play again and again and again. So to keep that from happening and from interrupting my dancing on the bed,  I would scotch tape a penny to the needle. It weighed it down just enough to slide right through the scratch. Oh, it was high technology for the time but it worked like a charm.

    Life lessons aren’t quite so conspicuous but they do repeat again and again until we finally recognize them and find a way to add weight to the matter and get to the end of the song. Sometimes it takes years but if you have a desire to move forward you will begin to see the common note that plays through the harshest moments of our lives. Isolate the emotional reaction that makes you feel so frustrated, unloved or unworthy and determine when you first experienced it.You might be amazed how bad your record has been skipping.

    Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl who just knew she was the apple of her father’s eye. She loved to sing and dance and enjoyed the carefree nature of childhood. She was too young to understand the complexity of marriage and relationships and was dumbfounded when her father moved out one day……and left her behind with her mother. It’s something men have been doing for years. It was nothing new. Anyone in the 70’s would tell you children are better off with their mothers. So, it was typical of the time. But she felt confused, abandoned and she felt left behind like she didn’t matter. She wanted to go with her father. She needed to be with her father. No one asked her what SHE wanted. She WANTED to matter. She spends her youth fighting her way to stay present and connected in her father’s life. Like many fathers he was bigger than life and she needed him to be present in hers.

    She will fight the same fight, to hold on to what is hers and to matter, again and again. As an adult, an unfaithful spouse proves himself unworthy of the marriage but she will fight to keep him. She will fight to matter. It becomes imperative to win. To prove, that as an adult, she has more influence and control over the final outcome in her life.  But she can’t win when she can’t trust. No one can win back  love when all they fight for is the mere presence. That presence becomes a toxic reminder of what they have already lost.

    The pattern will repeat again and again. Always pushing away love that comes too easily and drawing in and attracting those that won’t or can’t  give 100%. She will be surrounded by lovers and friends that aren’t PRESENT in the relationship. She will fight tooth and nail to prove she is needed. She will fight to be loved. She will do battle to keep the world at bay to keep the people she loves present and close to her. Eventually, The life she leads will not be her own. It has become all about the fight and not the life…fight and not the life…fight and not the life.

    But all is not lost. One day she  hears the record skip and realizes she has been singing the same phrase over and over and over again. She knows what to do. She pulls a penny from a jar and tape from a drawer and mounts that penny on the needle top. She plays the record and listens as it plays straight through this time to the end of the song. She breathes a sigh of relief  and let’s go of the song she had been singing for years. She realizes she matters most to the one that is most important and the most present, herself. The beautiful girl in the mirror she sees everyday is the one that matters.

    NOW she is ready for a new vinyl record!  There is a song in her heart, a new beat to dance to that will fill her with all the joy and delight of a little girl jumping on her bed, singing into her hairbrush and dancing with her pillow.

    Life lessons are meant to come full circle. Where they start and where they end is often the same place. We allow ourselves to be defined by the skips in between.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Love Spell…..

    I admit. It ain’t easy being me. LIFE is simple, it’s just not always easy. And there in lies the rub. I’m not talking about the annoying RUB that happens when you forget to wear your bicycle shorts under your skirt either. You know what I am talking about, some of us have issues. Especially in this 110 degree heat. A big girl’s rubenesque thighs, when darting to the BOGO at Lane Bryant, can rub together with enough friction and force to set off a small forest fire for sure. And HELLO….haven’t you heard? There is a BURN BAN. Yet another reason to tend to your bits and pieces and keep your yard work done! Just saying!

    Oh, sorry…my thighs took me off track.

    LIFE is simple. Change is SIMPLE. Neither is EASY.  WTF?  Right?

    Example #1: I AM NOT A HOARDER! But why do I find it so hard to bag up a whole entire drawer of belts that I never wear, that do not fit and even if they did I wouldn’t wear. Some are extra cheap and came with outfits, some I bought during my “Cowgirl” stage and some I’m sure are leftovers discarded and left behind by more than one ex-lover…It’s SIMPLE – Bag and tag. DONATE.

    Example #2: I have a bottle of LOVE SPELL from Victoria Secret that my ex-lover gave me when we were dating, you know…that whole “spray this on your pillow and think of me” bit. I’m not too proud to say I did just that on more than one occasion but since we are no longer together and haven’t been for more than a year it just seemed cheesy. It sat on my dresser for ever….then I dared to actually wear it myself cause I do really like the way it smelled. And yes…I did worry that someone would NOTICE that I smelled like HER and look at me like I had two heads. Of course that never happened. Today, I used the last of it and should have just tossed the bottle….but….but….but…..I couldn’t do it. Sounds pretty SIMPLE though right? Throw it away! It’s not like I collect empty containers…shampoo and mouthwash bottles do not line my driveway! And it’s not like she’s going to come back some day and want to know where her toothbrush, belt and body splash went!  I know without a doubt that I won’t ever buy LOVE SPELL body splash for myself. Though the thought of going into a Victoria Secret store at the mall and watching the sales girl’s face fall when I walk in to SHOP is pretty priceless since nothing in the store could cover my left tit. I KNOW: Bag it – tag it – toss it.

    Example #3: I already know that if I take the time to pack all my Scooby Snacks and eat properly every day that I FEEL better. I know that it is important to keep up with all my medications for this and that. I know I need to exercise to keep ahead of the game as much as possible. I know that I’m on a short leash here….but I still find it hard to make the TIME to make it important. The simple thing is TIME already exists. It’s not something I have to make up. The program is easy. The process is easy. The time is there. Why is it when you put it all together it just seems so difficult? Bag it – tag it and pack it up!

    Having the perception that ANY of these things is HARD is a conscious choice on my part and a battle that I have created within myself. Change is simple -just let go.  Life is simple….be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t wait for the world to change to join the ride or you will most certainly miss the party!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • From here to there and back again…..

    Footloose and fancy free…that is me! It seems I just can’t enough of you guys! I can cram more living into one weekend than a nun on a “hall pass”!

    Thanks go out to everyone who cheered me on at the Auditions for The Biggest Loser in Austin, Texas this weekend. I was so busy laughing all day I barely snapped a photo. Here it is in a nut shell. Imagine 600 overweight people lined up around a building in 100+ degree heat….We were sitting stuffed ducks on the water. Marketers from Medi-fast and Quick Weight Loss Centers weaved in and out of the crowd passing out promo laden water bottles and taking surveys. The best though was the taco truck that just kept circle the block like a shark on a seal colony. He smelled blood in the water and wasn’t leaving till he had emptied his truck! He had probably watched the morning news and heard the sound bite: Biggest Loser contestants will be lining up at the Lone Star Center.….he started seeing big, fat, juicy dollar signs $$$$$$$  and was out the door before he could even get his boxers on.

    8 hours in line led to a 5 minute interview with one casting assistant and 9 other contestants. We were asked as a group and answered down the line…name, age and occupation….then “how much do you want to lose?”….every one answered and we moved on to how many watch the show and have you entered before….finally she asks where is the best place to eat in Austin???? Thank you very much everyone – we’ll be calling you if you made call backs! It reminded me of the hand shake you get at the end of a dull date instead of a kiss….”I’ll call you”……….Sure!

    I had shown them the most I could in the shortest amount of time possible. My composite photo attached to my application showed more than anything, in fact it showed everything; community involvement, out-going, daring, social and cute as a button!!!

    But alas, we did not leave there with a lot of hope.  Gayle and I opted for Margarita’s at Chuy’s  instead of sitting by the phone and pining the evening away waiting on a call back.  My sweet friend Lisa joined us and I followed her home to Dripping Springs like a little lost puppy. I have dubbed her home, Club Venturini! The Italian egg breakfast was FAB-U-LOUS…..eat your heart out BIGGEST LOSER!

    Sunday meant time to hit the road. I needed to make it to “CHURCH” at Lake Conroe for the early evening services with the girls…and it was 4 hours away! My lil zoom-zoom car carried me along the Texas highways just fine…..The radio was blaring hits from the 80’s and I sang away, windows down and my hair whipping around me like crazy. I giggled at myself more than once cause I was having so much fun. I was footloose and fancy free….subject to my own whims and led by my own desires. Life is good and it will only get better.

    I AM the BIGGEST WINNER. The weight I have lost this last year has been mental. I’ve worked hard to release the past and let go of the hurt and the anger that came with it. It’s something I still work on everyday. But I just keep telling myself. Everyday is a gift! Live each one like it’s your last and you would be amazed how incredible your life becomes.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • BIG DOGS…..

    Mark Twain said it best. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, It’s the size of the fight in the dog”.

    Well, what can I say? This bitch….which I mean with the sincerest form of canine flattery, is not giving up yet!

    I haven’t weighed in for the last three weeks…which if Weight Watchers was really earning their money and  watching me they would have known and reported to the proper dietary authorities. But since I heard no bells and whistles nor did I see the food police hanging out in front of my very secure apartment, I must have gotten away with the 21 day furlow.

    All is not lost my lil chickas! I have my new Bobby Sherman lunch box to inspire me back to dietary greatness! But that of course means the dreaded  WEIGH IN.

    I noticed that my precious lil Bobby had his stats printed  on the side of the lunch box. Somehow I felt closer to him just knowing his parent’s names, that he had a sister, where he was born and of course his height, weight, hair and eye color. Ha! That little smidge on information really did satisfy the quizzical desires of a 7 yr old  back in 1970 didn’t it? And bless his heart, 5’9″ tall and only 135lbs….I could break him like a twig with just one hug.

    ANYWAY….If lil Bobby…and a do mean little…could put up his stats up for the world  to see then what the hell. I can too.

    This may not be pretty but here goes.

                      JULIANA

    Juliana Marie Wathen

    January 4, 1963

    Born : Tulsa, Oklahoma

    Parents: Wanda and Denver Wathen

    Siblings: Irby, Denise, Vern and Fred

    Height: 5’4″                           Weight: 296 lbs

    Hair Color: Lady Clairol            Eye Color: Blue

    Wow….I feel better already. I don’t think I’ll ever weigh 135lbs but I’m sure gonna give it my best shot to keep on keeping on. I’m fighting the battle for a healthier me. I’ve got a lot on my plate so to speak and it ain’t chicken!  I took up Weight Watchers in April and my starting weight was 310. I got down to 290 three weeks ago so hopefully I can regain my ground and keep on going.

    Just remember, If you can’t run with the big dogs…..stay on the porch!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • LOVE doesn’t know the difference…..

    My note from the UNIVERSE arrived this morning by email as it does every morning. Isn’t it just great the things you can sign up for on the internet, coupons, airline notices and NOTES from the UNIVERSE? It said,  ” Some, Juliana, are better loved from afar. For a while, anyway and that’s okay. Besides, Juliana, LOVE doesn’t really know the difference“.

    I realized this afternoon that I had shared that same sentiment three times through the course of my day.

    8:45am. I pulled over my little zoom-zoom car and rolled down my window and stopped to chat with a friend on my way to work. She in turn took the time to share with me that she has had to make the painful decision to severe her relationship with her grown son. His addiction, poor choices and the general chaos that surrounds him are too much to handle and in fact threaten her livelihood and her ability to care for herself. It just seemed she needed to hear she had done the right thing.  I shared with her my note from the Universe, “Some are better loved from afar”.

    It is a common misconception that if you “Love” someone you will do anything for them. Co-dependent people and addicts know the saying very well and brandish it about like a sharp edged sword to get your attention. Psssst…It’s called MANIPULATION…. Just saying.

    There are times when the most loving thing you can do however is NOTHING…but love from afar. That means you don’t pay for their cell phone. You don’t give them a car so they can get to the job they never seem to have. You can’t pay their rent or do their laundry.  Realize, that if their choices continue to lead them down a self-destructive path ,then that is the path they have chosen. Love them enough to let them learn the life lessons they have mapped out for themselves. There is a reason for it.

    12:30pm and I chat with one of my best girlfriends who has been doing the commitment dance with her favorite man “Blue eyes” for years now. He has broken her heart more times than I can count. But only because she keeps serving it up on a decorative platter complete with garnish, country gravy and a sharp steak knife. There is NO commitment, NO regular progression in the relationship, NO foundation so it ends….again. But he always comes around every 3 or 4 months with a wink and a smile and she is always waiting. She claims she loves him….but it is killing her and trapping her in a time warp worse than any Twilight Zone rerun. My advise has always been, “Listen and he will tell you the truth.”  She whines like a broken record . He says he is BROKEN and can’t give himself to a relationship” Well, baby girl, wake up and smell the tar bubbling on the rooftop….eeewww that is a nasty smell. And  THAT is his TRUTH.  He clings to it like a security blanket and you can’t rip it away from him. He doesn’t want a relationship – he lives to sit in his sandbox and play by himself.

    Why is it, we think, if we just love someone more, love that person harder, devote our time and attention and sacrifice more than any other person before us that they will just wake up one day and have this grand epiphany and decide “HEY, I COULD OF HAD A V8 AND  A GIRLFRIEND!” . Love doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I’ve tried. Take the ROMANCE NOVEL out of the equation and LOVE that person unconditionally and you will release them to walk the path they have chosen and in turn release yourself to find the partner that fits your needs.  Some people, my chicka, are better LOVED  from afar.

    2:37pm I sat  in the front showroom at work to watch the much welcomed rain on my break. The office is quiet. A group had just left to go see our co-worker & friend, Randy ,who lays in a coma at home, family by his side. He is in the end stages of cancer and  passing from this earth. It won’t be long Doctor’s say. 2 days or 10, no telling. Darryl, his long time friend, stood at the reception counter staring into the front parking lot.   “I couldn’t go”.  He said….”I can’t see him like this…it’s not how I want to remember him.”

    For the third time today I shared my morning message from the Universe. “It’s okay…. LOVE doesn’t know the difference” It doesn’t know the distance…..how near or how far. It doesn’t keep time or come in measured allotments. LOVE simply IS.  Randy will know in his spirit that Darryl loved him whether he stands beside his bed and holds his hand or beside images of Randy’s best work rotating on a slide show on the wall mounted flat screen.

    LOVE is something you give, freely and without conditions. It doesn’t require shipping and handling, a box or a bow. You don’t have to sign for it or send it certified mail. Sometimes it comes back  “Return to Sender” and other times it’s like an underwear chain letter and you get more pairs back in the mail in more sizes and colors than you could ever imagine.

    Sometimes a post card find you years after it was mailed. The NO became a YES and you realize that you were LOVED from afar.

    In the infamous good words of LAW ,

    ” I don’t love you cause I need you.  I need you, because I love you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Top 10 list for a class reunion…..

     GOING WILD AND HAVING FUN – WE’RE THE CLASS OF ’81

    They just don’t make high school cheers the way they (we) used to. I have a  30 year high school class reunion in 11 days….yep 30 yrs….OMG!  Okay – that exclamation was not for the number of years but for the revelation I have experienced lately listening to all the 48 yr olds whine how “no one will remember who I am” and “I don’t think any one liked me back then” or “those people scared the hell out of me then why would I wanna see them NOW?”

    Take a breath…a deep, deep, deeeeep breath….(just like in the 80’s except without the funny lil pipe) and let it out……..

    GET OVER IT! You were not the wall flower you thought you were. You were not invisible for 4 years of school, 7 classes a day and just because you skipped the pep rally and went to the lake or to play darts and scarf down at beer at Weber’s BBQ before health class, we still have a pretty good recollection of who we went to school with.

    Here are some easy guidelines to get you through the weekend.

    1.) SOMEONE had a crush on you that you never knew about. He’ll probably blurt this out while introducing you to his 3rd wife. Don’t worry. He is harmless.

    2.) The guy you had a crush on that you were sure didn’t know you existed…he didn’t ask you out because he thought you were too pretty to say “yes” to him or what the hell. He’s just GAY – get over it!

    3.) And ANY BODY that introduces you to their partner? Most likely NOT who they work with but who they live with – again….get over it!

    4.) Those pretty girls that never offered to share their lip-gloss in the bathroom will be begging you to buy their Arbonne Cosmetic line out of the trunk of their car.

    5.) The guy that  hung out at the PATIO between classes with the long hair wearing rock concert t-shirts and jeans everyday with his leather “monkey knot” necklace from PDAP….retired CEO of an internet start up. The BENTLEY in the parking lot is his. He may have even tossed you his keys when he pulled up honestly mistaking you for the valet.

    6.) Speaking of hair – if they HAD hair – they may not now, be prepared. If they didn’t have boobs – well, the ones they bought in LA may put your eye out, be equally prepared.

    7.) If someone shows up in your personal space every blasted time you walk out of the bathroom…don’t panic. They are not stalking you, they just can’t hold their beer any better than you can.

    8.) BTW….Report all stalkers to Management.

    9.) If he’s divorced now…and you’re divorced and ….you’re thinking…. it’s fate….it’s probably the vodka…which is probably WHY you are divorced…and he’s divorced….proceed with caution.

    10.) If you’ve had a sex change operation and feel the need to show the former Cheerleaders & Pep Squad how they SHOULD have done it…go to the bar immediately and ask the bartender to find me  or Lori  Acker-Westmoreland, we have experience with  interventions.

    People change, people stay the same…I think it’s worth the risk to see the results.

    After all – I was just a shy, delicate flower in High School and I haven’t changed a bit.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Wonder Woman…..

    Reluctantly I admit, that even though I have the cape, matching underwear and the whip, I am not a 21-year-old Super Hero. Damn it!

    I  am the 48-year-old woman who succumbed to heat exposure on Sunday whilst swimming & trying to blend the 4 shades of freckles on my body into a uniform tan. Alas, I must raise my hand and stand tall just like the twelve step program recommends and admit to myself and others that with this bevy of freckles, my tan looks more like an incomplete, faux finishing project at a Hobby Lobby class than a Hawaiian Tropics pin-up girl. Grrrrrrrrr.

    It has taken me till tonight to get back on my feet. So is the life of a girl with heart failure who pushes her physical  boundaries just a tad too much sometimes. Double Grrrrrr.

    So I spent the whole day yesterday lifeless and sleeping. Sleeping and dreaming. Dreaming and sleeping. It’s at these times I feel the gentle nudge of spiritual guardians reminding me to slow down and focus. To be more aware of my surroundings and the people in my life. To enjoy the moment and live in the present. To listen to my body and let it guide me. There is more time left than I can ever imagine and the concept of that time is always expanding.

    I have filtered out that which is unreal and embraced what is. I am that I am. I am here to experience the things that I am not so that I can know better that which I am. I am a trained singer, not a writer and yet I am a writer now and it is real. I’m not hiding behind other people’s words, emotions  and flowing melody in a song. I am writing my own. I am living my own. I don’t have to  hide behind the mask of a Super Diva any longer.

    I’m keeping the cape, the matching underwear………..and the whip….cause lets just face it – everybody likes a little dress up every now and then. wink…wink…nod…nod….

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Sparkle, Sparkle Lil’ Rock Star…..

    There comes a time in a girl’s life when she just has to put on her big girl panties and do something she would never think of doing.  You know, one of those things that you don’t even think of trying because of your size, your age or both!

    Well, this weekend was the time. The family reunion was the place. The task at hand? Ride the tube with my crazy ass cousin Dayna down the Colorado River behind a speed boat filled with more cousins just chomping at the bit to see a crazy WIPE OUT!

    My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to get my ass back in the boat after I got in the water. But you know what – I figured we could deal with that when the time came. But at THAT moment I was going to seize the day, dive in and RIDE THE RIDE! ……AND I DID IT!!!!!!!

    Make it back in the boat? YEP! Had to have some help but so did everyone else. I did it. I didn’t let my size intimidate me. I didn’t let my lack of physical conditioning stop me. No offense Neil Armstrong but your “one small step for man” –  doesn’t hold a candle to the step I took on Saturday, June 11, 2011. The cheers from the boat were loud and rowdy. And my friend Kim couldn’t have beamed any brighter at my accomplishment.

    I strutted back to the main house like a prized chicken at the county fair. Jaws dropped right and left as Kim retold the story of my championship ride, how I fell in and got right back on. My poor mother nearly fainted. You see, it is a Johnson trait to freak out and worry about what COULD have happened even though I was standing right in front of her with all my bits and pieces intact! Bless her heart,sweet Wanda, I had to calm her down with hugs and kisses and reassurances that I was just fine. I was more than fine. I was a River Riding ROCK STAR!

    If you are not living on the edge, you’re taking up to much room. I took up way to much room for too long sitting on the sidelines. I will be a bench warmer no longer! This is my summer, this is my year, THIS is my life! I’m claiming back my “Sparkle”.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

  • When I was a child….

    When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

    I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

    So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

    It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

    I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

    Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

    I still felt huge.

    The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

    Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

    I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

    Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

    Juliana

  • Before and After….

    I HATE the before and after pictures the weight loss companies post to entice you to lose weight. Weight Watchers wants to see YOUR starting photo as well.

    Aghh, I just could NOT make myself put on a pair of tights and tank top two sizes too small and take my photo in a mirror of myself slouching and frowning like someone out of camera range had bad gas….You know what I’m talking about don’t cha?

    But just for shits and grins I am posting a casual picture of me at work today. You don’t have to see every bump and ripple to tell I am pretty damn heavy. But what should catch your eye most is not my size but the fact that I am comfortable and happy.

    I am not afraid to show you who I am today, yesterday or who I will become tomorrow. I will not hide away from the world till I am “perfect” for you to see and know. I would rather you see the work in progress.

    I have been up and I have been down in more ways than one. But it is the sum total of all my experiences and encounters that have brought me to this place today and it’s a good place to be. So feel free to follow me on my journey. I can only promise it will never be boring…I DO promise never to post full body shots of me in spandex.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Life is Good!