Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: juliana wathen

  • Becoming Weightless…..

    The closer you get to the end of your life the more concentrated the experience and memories of the past become. Our greatest moments of happiness seem like they just happened yesterday and the deepest wounds lay fresh, open and bleeding.

    So I am finding in the final days with my father. He can’t tell you how old he is or what he had for dinner but continues to boast of his years abroad and the luxuries he allowed himself . Luxuries that left his family neglected emotionally, physically and financially. My mother has stayed for 54 yrs despite our best attempts at encouraging her to leave. Now he takes great pains to make sure we understand she stayed and “He won”.

    I thought all these years she stayed because of the mind game he played. If you love me you won’t complain. If you love me you’ll tolerate my infidelity. I you love me money won’t be an issue. If you love me you’ll keep a home for me to return to. If you love me you’ll take care of me when I am sick and old. If you love me you will sit home and wait…and wait…and wait. I know now that it wasn’t the promises she made to him or for him. She promised GOD she would stay. She would honor the vows she made that day because THAT was who SHE was and who SHE needed to be to break thru to the other side.

    I stood in the cross hairs yesterday, the target of my father’s dissatisfaction. I stood behind his wheelchair as he boasted to strangers how great his life was inspite of having horrible children. He pointed me out specifically and told them “She’s been trouble for 54 years”….I pointed out I was only 48…He said it didn’t matter I was trouble before I got here. He went on with his rant telling those that would listen that we tried to take away his wife… But she was still here. Like a TV evangelist he claimed his victory. He was the winner…and I was the loser. He was better than me and he could prove it. “NOBODY WANTED TO MARRY YOU”, he said.

    I’d hand enough and wheeled him back inside and left him in the care of my mother and nurses. After two days of treatment he was able to go back home one more time, terminal, but not yet ready to leave this world.

    I took them home, Denver and Wanda, and left for the solace of my own home immediately. I was still shocked and hurt by the venomous rant and tent revival testimony he shared with people in a hot parking lot. I pulled my car to the shoulder and reached out to the one person I still crave comfort from but it was not there. Only the Statement. “It’s not about you“.

    Wanda had a love once and promised God she would stay. I had a love once and promised God I would pray.

    The script was similar.

    If you love me you’ll stay faithful and allow me to stray.

    If you love me you’ll do all things my way.

    You’ll hide in the shadows where no one will see, you’ll allow me to be who I want to be.

    You’ll understand my needs and know they come first

    You’ll tolerate the shame and all of the hurts

    You’ll give up your friends and come when I call.

    You’ll take what I give you, if you love me at all.

    I didn’t live by the rules and she threw me away.

    Yet it was still her comfort that I craved today.

    One promised to stay; One promised to pray.

    We’ve each learned our lessons, different hours, different days

    We strive to become weightless

    In our own time, in our own way.

    You are correct, It’s not about me. It’s not about fathers and daughters, or mothers and lovers. It’s not about the have’s and have not’s you get in life. It’s about setting down that bag of rocks and leaving behind the burden. To honor the GOD within and lay down the prayer on a path in front of you of peace, guidance and perfect understanding in all things.

    It’s about becoming weightless.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU”……


    You’re right……… It’s not about me…..it’s about moments and getting through to the next one.

    AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS

    Life is a lesson….I hate home work.

  • A long day’s night…..

    The day has been long sitting in a cold hospital room  navigating the ups and downs of Denver’s final care. He has slept most the day with only one incident of pain that required morphine. They dilated his lungs to help him breath and so he eased into the final tests today after refusing them earlier in the day.

    I have all my gadgets with me, cell phone, laptop and ipod to keep me occupied. The room is dim and cold and not meant for “visitors” so much.  They have a pantry of Scooby snacks just down the hall…..not the Scooby snacks I should have perhaps, but the hot chocolate has helped to knock the frost off my nose for the moment.

    Wanda sits huddled in her chair wrapped in the bright blue blanket that came from the ambulance ride. The windowless room keeps us from really keeping up with the passage of the day. It has been marked more by the passing of nursing shifts and technicians than anything else. They all try and engage Denver in conversation and ask a bevy of questions.  He has stated three different ages today. He has been 60, 90 and 80….the last one being the correct answer. When asked if he ever had any surgery he responded , “oh no!”…as he dangled his ONLY leg off the bed. Denver’s pat answer to most all questions today has been, “I guess” and “whatever”. His marquee charm has left the building.

    We’re not sure what the night will hold. We live in the moment. Something we should do everyday anyway. If he stabilizes we will probably take him back home. If not, well, let’s just live in the moment shall we.

    My friend Lori’s Dad is just upstairs with pneumonia. We seem to be living parallel lives these past few weeks. It’s all good.  Two against one is pretty good odds.

    I love each and every one of you and am bless to know that my family is in so many prayers this evening.

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • LOVE doesn’t know the difference…..

    My note from the UNIVERSE arrived this morning by email as it does every morning. Isn’t it just great the things you can sign up for on the internet, coupons, airline notices and NOTES from the UNIVERSE? It said,  ” Some, Juliana, are better loved from afar. For a while, anyway and that’s okay. Besides, Juliana, LOVE doesn’t really know the difference“.

    I realized this afternoon that I had shared that same sentiment three times through the course of my day.

    8:45am. I pulled over my little zoom-zoom car and rolled down my window and stopped to chat with a friend on my way to work. She in turn took the time to share with me that she has had to make the painful decision to severe her relationship with her grown son. His addiction, poor choices and the general chaos that surrounds him are too much to handle and in fact threaten her livelihood and her ability to care for herself. It just seemed she needed to hear she had done the right thing.  I shared with her my note from the Universe, “Some are better loved from afar”.

    It is a common misconception that if you “Love” someone you will do anything for them. Co-dependent people and addicts know the saying very well and brandish it about like a sharp edged sword to get your attention. Psssst…It’s called MANIPULATION…. Just saying.

    There are times when the most loving thing you can do however is NOTHING…but love from afar. That means you don’t pay for their cell phone. You don’t give them a car so they can get to the job they never seem to have. You can’t pay their rent or do their laundry.  Realize, that if their choices continue to lead them down a self-destructive path ,then that is the path they have chosen. Love them enough to let them learn the life lessons they have mapped out for themselves. There is a reason for it.

    12:30pm and I chat with one of my best girlfriends who has been doing the commitment dance with her favorite man “Blue eyes” for years now. He has broken her heart more times than I can count. But only because she keeps serving it up on a decorative platter complete with garnish, country gravy and a sharp steak knife. There is NO commitment, NO regular progression in the relationship, NO foundation so it ends….again. But he always comes around every 3 or 4 months with a wink and a smile and she is always waiting. She claims she loves him….but it is killing her and trapping her in a time warp worse than any Twilight Zone rerun. My advise has always been, “Listen and he will tell you the truth.”  She whines like a broken record . He says he is BROKEN and can’t give himself to a relationship” Well, baby girl, wake up and smell the tar bubbling on the rooftop….eeewww that is a nasty smell. And  THAT is his TRUTH.  He clings to it like a security blanket and you can’t rip it away from him. He doesn’t want a relationship – he lives to sit in his sandbox and play by himself.

    Why is it, we think, if we just love someone more, love that person harder, devote our time and attention and sacrifice more than any other person before us that they will just wake up one day and have this grand epiphany and decide “HEY, I COULD OF HAD A V8 AND  A GIRLFRIEND!” . Love doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I’ve tried. Take the ROMANCE NOVEL out of the equation and LOVE that person unconditionally and you will release them to walk the path they have chosen and in turn release yourself to find the partner that fits your needs.  Some people, my chicka, are better LOVED  from afar.

    2:37pm I sat  in the front showroom at work to watch the much welcomed rain on my break. The office is quiet. A group had just left to go see our co-worker & friend, Randy ,who lays in a coma at home, family by his side. He is in the end stages of cancer and  passing from this earth. It won’t be long Doctor’s say. 2 days or 10, no telling. Darryl, his long time friend, stood at the reception counter staring into the front parking lot.   “I couldn’t go”.  He said….”I can’t see him like this…it’s not how I want to remember him.”

    For the third time today I shared my morning message from the Universe. “It’s okay…. LOVE doesn’t know the difference” It doesn’t know the distance…..how near or how far. It doesn’t keep time or come in measured allotments. LOVE simply IS.  Randy will know in his spirit that Darryl loved him whether he stands beside his bed and holds his hand or beside images of Randy’s best work rotating on a slide show on the wall mounted flat screen.

    LOVE is something you give, freely and without conditions. It doesn’t require shipping and handling, a box or a bow. You don’t have to sign for it or send it certified mail. Sometimes it comes back  “Return to Sender” and other times it’s like an underwear chain letter and you get more pairs back in the mail in more sizes and colors than you could ever imagine.

    Sometimes a post card find you years after it was mailed. The NO became a YES and you realize that you were LOVED from afar.

    In the infamous good words of LAW ,

    ” I don’t love you cause I need you.  I need you, because I love you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Because you loved me…..

    The best Sunday church is any Sunday with close friends. If we can have that “church” on the lake or at the beach – well, that’s just heaven on earth. Now according to Websters Dictionary “Church” is nothing more than  A building used for public Christian worship

    So, I guess I’m not talking about “traditional” church. That’s fine for some folks. I’m not knocking it. They need the routine of putting on their Sunday best, minding the clock and arriving at the proper place at the proper time. They stay the allocated time and then after dotting the “I’s” and Crossing the “T’s” they can face the coming week having been fed their spiritual message for the week.

    But I find that I am closer to the Source when I am outside and with people who make me think and remind me “who I am and where I am from”. I am child of God and I am part of the Source.

    Like Celine Dion sings “I’m everything I am because you loved me”. That could not be more true. I would not be the person I am or be where I am today without the love of all those who have walked in and thru my life. THEY are my CHURCH. My lesson this month has been on FORGIVENESS.

    David was my “country preacher” when he reminded me that “Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It’s like setting down a bag of rocks” Set it down and walk away. Life is something that is in front of you. Lighten your load and walk on.

    Suzi my “New Age” Spiritualist said. Forgiveness is something you give and give THANKS for. Release the person and/or the situation by saying;  “I thank you FOR-GIVING me the life lessons that changed and molded my life.”

    Forgiveness is still a hard lesson and we are often reluctant to let go of our “Hurt” after all, it’s ours, we own it and in some instances we have hung our hat on it for years. You have met these people and in some instances you ARE that person. “I can’t commit because I was abandoned, I can’t trust because I was deceived. I gave my heart, it wasn’t cherished. That is not living, it is existing behind a shield that was self manufactured. The shield doesn’t protect you from the things on the outside. It stands between you and the person you are on the inside. Use that shiny shield you spend so much time maintaining as a mirror. Look in the mirror and see what I see. You are not broken, you are not stained. You are a perfect child of God.

    It was my life long teacher Swanette who told me “Forgiveness is as complicated as love.  It all comes in its own time.”

    For me, there is no time like the present. I forgive myself for toting that bag of rocks all these years. I forgive myself for spending time tending my shield when I could have been smelling the roses. I am thankful to everyone for-giving me the life lessons I needed to be the person I am today.

    I sing it loud, I sing it proud. It is my song today. I’m everything I am because you loved me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Unconditional Love…..

     

    Punkin….my ‘lil Punkin…Punky Brooster, my Bugger. I brought him home in July in 1994 a scared and skittish barn kitten from my mother’s house. Slowly we got to know one another and he kept me company these last 17 yrs.

    Today, we took that final ride to the vet. He once was a fat cat of 18 lbs at one time but old age has taken its toll. Today he barely weighed in at 8lbs. I described his recent behavior and the doctor nodded with an understanding look of concern as he stroked his head and scratched behind his ear to put him at ease. Some of that concern was for Punkin and some I think was for me. He said senility had set in along with varying health issues too far gone to address. I assumed he was still talking about Punkin but I honestly wasn’t sure. I felt old and tired myself. He said I could leave, I didn’t have to stay…But as I have said before, no one should die alone. Not even a pet. In spite of that belief, I wanted to bolt out of that exam room door, run to my car and not look back, but I forced my feet to the floor, locked my knees and stayed. I owed him for all the nights he crawled in next to me. For all the times he stayed next to me when I was sick or just flat broken-hearted. For all the times he woke me up with a nudge and a loud cry because I was late for work and HE wanted my pillow. He, like almost all animals loved unconditionally. There were no rules, no restrictions or compromise. Just love and appreciation. Give and take.

    I held him tight as a sedative was given, then a few minutes later the final injection to stop his heart. For a cat that was known for how loud he could be, he never cried, not once. This time I was the loud one.

    I came home tonight to “Punkin patches” of silver fur still clinging to carpet and chairs. I have looked up several times thinking he was on my feet. But a quick glance confirms he is gone.

    People have so much to learn from the SIMPLER beast. If we could just master that one thing they seemed to have perfected eons ago, unconditional love, then the world would truly be Heaven on Earth. Put aside the “IF”S, AND’S or BUT’S ” and just love. Can you do it?

    I can try.

    I love each and every one of you, unconditionally tonight

    Prayers and angels for my Punkin tonight.

    Juliana

     

  • Knock…Knock…..

    Whose there….

    Me….

    Me who???

    I’m not sure. I was hoping you could tell me….

    Tell you what?

    Who I am….

    Are you lost??

    I don’t think so…

    So why did you knock on my door?

    I’m not sure…It seemed like the right thing to do…

    Do you need something? Are you hurt or hungry?

    No. I’m think I’m just waiting….

    Waiting?  Waiting for what?

    Not sure…I think I’ll know it when I see it.

    Should I call the Police?

    Why? Are you afraid?

    NO! Well, yes…maybe a little. I mean you’re here and I don’t know where you’re from or who you are, what you want or who even sent you….

    Sometimes we over analyze and are so busy questioning our lives that we miss the guidance that comes our way. We are frozen by the lack of FAITH and live behind the door safely shut away from the world.  When OPPORTUNITY knocks….it rarely has time to explain how it got there. Be a good neighbor and open the door.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Life of the party…..

    What can I say…the weekend had a bit of a rough start on Friday talking to Doctors and looking at scans and going over the practical “Business” of end care.  Aghhh, but it ended with a bang up time with a whole lot of friends I knew a long time ago. A time when life was filled with yellow buses and school supplies, pranks, pep rallies and prom. I thank God I went cause I was soooooo tempted to SKIP IT like a Health Class.

    I know, I know…I was preaching a hard-line the last few weeks telling people to “suck it up” and “get over their phobias” and ‘”just go have fun”. But I must admit, when I turned the car down the driveway that evening my stomach twisted and turned.  I looked at LAW and said…”I’d be okay staying home if you are”….but she grabbed my hand and squeezed as she often does and I knew I’d be okay.

    Class reunions are a  right of passage for all of us I think. A time to put old demons to rest and realize we were all just doing the best we could to survive the human experience called “childhood”. We chatted, posed for pics, shared a drink and had a laugh or two. We eased into the evening and the people we had become.

    Reunions aren’t so much for reliving the past as they are for processing our future. It’s a pit stop of sorts…  There’s a crew there that knows you and what makes you tick. One wipes away the grime from your windshield so you can see the road ahead. Others outfit you with a new set of tires to keep your grip on the road and someone else top’s off your tank to take you round the track a few more times.

    I’m putting the petal to the metal and keeping my eye on the road ahead knowing I have the best pit crew ever assembled. It’s called Tiger Pride and we are all the LIFE OF THE PARTY in this experience called LIFE.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Final 24…..

    7:00 PM TONIGHT…we enter the FINAL 24 hours before Conroe High School’s Class of 1981-  30 Year REUNION WEEKEND at Sam’s Boat at the Lake. What would Jack Bauer do?  (Cue music)

    To hell with Jack! He got cancelled anyway. What are YOU gonna do?

    It’s a little late to lose 20yrs in 20 minutes but if you wanna pay the premium – be my guest. I’m sure the swelling will go down in plenty of time for the “Most Well Preserved” contest. It’s scheduled to take place just before last call….must be present to win.

    Oh, Look at it this way. If you look like you, only older, we’ll know who you are. If we have to keep asking everybody (and by everybody I mean Lisa Bull)…”Who is that again?” You might as well of stayed home and watched reruns of 24 while downing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

    I know everybody can feel a little insecure at times. I’m a little freaked out too. 30 Yrs is a long time! I’ve only kept in touch with a handful of folks. And to be perfectly honest. I didn’t know most people in the school cause it was so dang huge!

    Have you been feeling those little flutters in your stomach all day today? I have. A little quiezy?  Honey, bless our hearts! Feels just like Prom night jitters doesn’t it? Agh… but prom night was a long time ago. Look at the upside. We don’t have to worry about getting stuck with a corsage pin by our date, we don’t have a curfew and if our outfit pops off on the way home chances are it’s because we’re having a hot flash and the last thing we want is for someone to start TOUCHING us. I get it! Relax…It’s gonna be fun!

    SO, what will I be doing during the last 24?  I’ll be  jamm’in to a custom playlist of top 100 songs of 1980-81 while I top of my bag of freshly laundered outfits. I’ve got all the basics covered from party to pool and back again. I’ll scann the FLARE one- more- time just to remind myself of the 80’s era and who apparently did what and when. (It’s like Cliff notes only with pictures) It’s coming back to me slowly but surely.  I’ll check arrival times on all my BFF’s. Paint my toes a festive color! Charge my camera battery and remind Marianne Merritt one more time….BIG GIRL PANTIES AND PJ’S at LORI’S….It’s the LAW.

    I’ll see you there! Travel Safe!

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Just a tree……

    My roots run deep and branch out in all directions beneath me. They anchor me in storms holding fast to the soil. They drink in the sweet energy of the earth everyday and night and feed me the nourishment I need. The exchange never ceases. I am more grounded today than the day before as my roots reach deeper and deeper into that which sustains me.

    I stand tall and sturdy knowing my core is balanced. Flexible enough to sway in the wind but strong enough to hold my position. I am engrained with layers upon layers of experiences that envelope me telling a story all their own and marking the passage of life. Each layer is larger than the one before , allowing my heart more room to grow.  And more room to carry the hearts of so many within me. I am stronger today than the day before as I build upon what I have learned.

    A canopy of branches and leaves stretch above me and provide shade from the harshness in the world. Unafraid of the unknown they reach out to new heights and experiences. They take and they give, absorbing the energy from the sun and filtering it back out to the world as pure intent. I stand taller today than I did the day before unafraid to grow beyond my own yard.

    The Tree of Life is not just a tree, it is who you are. Yesterday, today and tomorrow. It is the summon total of all our experiences.

    “here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
    higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)”   
    —      E.E. Cummings

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana