I love each and every one of you, but tonight…..I sang for Randy. I hope you don’t mind.
Tag: guidance
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Becoming Weightless…..
The closer you get to the end of your life the more concentrated the experience and memories of the past become. Our greatest moments of happiness seem like they just happened yesterday and the deepest wounds lay fresh, open and bleeding.So I am finding in the final days with my father. He can’t tell you how old he is or what he had for dinner but continues to boast of his years abroad and the luxuries he allowed himself . Luxuries that left his family neglected emotionally, physically and financially. My mother has stayed for 54 yrs despite our best attempts at encouraging her to leave. Now he takes great pains to make sure we understand she stayed and “He won”.
I thought all these years she stayed because of the mind game he played. If you love me you won’t complain. If you love me you’ll tolerate my infidelity. I you love me money won’t be an issue. If you love me you’ll keep a home for me to return to. If you love me you’ll take care of me when I am sick and old. If you love me you will sit home and wait…and wait…and wait. I know now that it wasn’t the promises she made to him or for him. She promised GOD she would stay. She would honor the vows she made that day because THAT was who SHE was and who SHE needed to be to break thru to the other side.
I stood in the cross hairs yesterday, the target of my father’s dissatisfaction. I stood behind his wheelchair as he boasted to strangers how great his life was inspite of having horrible children. He pointed me out specifically and told them “She’s been trouble for 54 years”….I pointed out I was only 48…He said it didn’t matter I was trouble before I got here. He went on with his rant telling those that would listen that we tried to take away his wife… But she was still here. Like a TV evangelist he claimed his victory. He was the winner…and I was the loser. He was better than me and he could prove it. “NOBODY WANTED TO MARRY YOU”, he said.
I’d hand enough and wheeled him back inside and left him in the care of my mother and nurses. After two days of treatment he was able to go back home one more time, terminal, but not yet ready to leave this world.
I took them home, Denver and Wanda, and left for the solace of my own home immediately. I was still shocked and hurt by the venomous rant and tent revival testimony he shared with people in a hot parking lot. I pulled my car to the shoulder and reached out to the one person I still crave comfort from but it was not there. Only the Statement. “It’s not about you“.
Wanda had a love once and promised God she would stay. I had a love once and promised God I would pray.
The script was similar.
If you love me you’ll stay faithful and allow me to stray.
If you love me you’ll do all things my way.
You’ll hide in the shadows where no one will see, you’ll allow me to be who I want to be.
You’ll understand my needs and know they come first
You’ll tolerate the shame and all of the hurts
You’ll give up your friends and come when I call.
You’ll take what I give you, if you love me at all.
I didn’t live by the rules and she threw me away.
Yet it was still her comfort that I craved today.
One promised to stay; One promised to pray.
We’ve each learned our lessons, different hours, different days
We strive to become weightless
In our own time, in our own way.
You are correct, It’s not about me. It’s not about fathers and daughters, or mothers and lovers. It’s not about the have’s and have not’s you get in life. It’s about setting down that bag of rocks and leaving behind the burden. To honor the GOD within and lay down the prayer on a path in front of you of peace, guidance and perfect understanding in all things.
It’s about becoming weightless.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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“IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU”……
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Because you loved me…..
The best Sunday church is any Sunday with close friends. If we can have that “church” on the lake or at the beach – well, that’s just heaven on earth. Now according to Websters Dictionary “Church” is nothing more than A building used for public Christian worshipSo, I guess I’m not talking about “traditional” church. That’s fine for some folks. I’m not knocking it. They need the routine of putting on their Sunday best, minding the clock and arriving at the proper place at the proper time. They stay the allocated time and then after dotting the “I’s” and Crossing the “T’s” they can face the coming week having been fed their spiritual message for the week.
But I find that I am closer to the Source when I am outside and with people who make me think and remind me “who I am and where I am from”. I am child of God and I am part of the Source.
Like Celine Dion sings “I’m everything I am because you loved me”. That could not be more true. I would not be the person I am or be where I am today without the love of all those who have walked in and thru my life. THEY are my CHURCH. My lesson this month has been on FORGIVENESS.
David was my “country preacher” when he reminded me that “Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It’s like setting down a bag of rocks” Set it down and walk away. Life is something that is in front of you. Lighten your load and walk on.
Suzi my “New Age” Spiritualist said. Forgiveness is something you give and give THANKS for. Release the person and/or the situation by saying; “I thank you FOR-GIVING me the life lessons that changed and molded my life.”
Forgiveness is still a hard lesson and we are often reluctant to let go of our “Hurt” after all, it’s ours, we own it and in some instances we have hung our hat on it for years. You have met these people and in some instances you ARE that person. “I can’t commit because I was abandoned, I can’t trust because I was deceived. I gave my heart, it wasn’t cherished. That is not living, it is existing behind a shield that was self manufactured. The shield doesn’t protect you from the things on the outside. It stands between you and the person you are on the inside. Use that shiny shield you spend so much time maintaining as a mirror. Look in the mirror and see what I see. You are not broken, you are not stained. You are a perfect child of God.
It was my life long teacher Swanette who told me “Forgiveness is as complicated as love. It all comes in its own time.”
For me, there is no time like the present. I forgive myself for toting that bag of rocks all these years. I forgive myself for spending time tending my shield when I could have been smelling the roses. I am thankful to everyone for-giving me the life lessons I needed to be the person I am today.
I sing it loud, I sing it proud. It is my song today. I’m everything I am because you loved me.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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Calling all Angels…..
The night is silent in this house except for the hum of a fan in the corner. I sit and stare at a blue eye like my own and wonder if it sees the shooting star coming it’s way. I don’t always see them coming but I sense their presence in my life, glimmering swift messengers I tack my wishes to.My wishes are prayers I send out to the Heavens each night. I wish you peace in all things. I wish you guidance when you’re unsure of your next step. I wish you perfect understanding in all life’s challenges. I wish you happiness and most of all, I wish you love.
Sleep as if held in the arms of angels and know that you are loved 100 times more than you can ever imagine. Thank you, my angels, for always being there when I call.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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Dance with my father……
My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.
I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.
I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.
I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.
I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.
What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.
I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
Video link to Dance with My Father.
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Back in School…..
Aghhhh the Lessons…..life is full of them. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes you have to repeat them over and over. First, you claim you just had a teacher that sucked and you just know you could have aced it if you just had a decent teacher. They were gunning for you from day one!The fact of the matter is LIFE IS A LESSON…and if you don’t GET IT the first time it will present itself over and over and over until YOU do get it!.
Sometimes, distance gives us clarity and it is easy to see another person’s life lesson because they are running parallel to our own experience. Compassion leads us to stick our nose in and offer our opinion. To raise the flag and say “Danger, danger Will Robinson!” Don’t feel like a failure if they don’t heed the warnings.
In attempting to steer them away from the heart break or crisis you know is coming you are actually interfering with THEIR LIFE LESSON. Sometimes the lesson IS the heart break , the disappointment or defeat. Their lesson IS the crisis AND the recovery. If you interfere today, then you just delay their lesson till tomorrow.
Show TRUE compassion, show the unconditional love of the Christ Consciousness. Allow people you care about to live out the lessons they have called into their own lives whether is be addiction, co-dependency or just plan fear to stand on their own two feet. Support them with positive thoughts and prayer that they receive peace, love and perfect understanding from the Universe. THAT is Help. THAT is Compassion. THAT IS LOVE, BABY.
Be happy that you worked thru YOUR life lesson and have moved on to the next. Allow them to do the same.
I love each and every one of you
Juliana
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Circle of Life…..
How many times have you said ” Another time, another place and this would have worked perfectly” or “just not in the stars right now”. It seems to have been ‘MISSED” Synchronicity.Synchronicity is the coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and that is meaningful to the observer. ( Carl Jung)I recently read about “missed” synchronicity and how there really is no such thing.“You live in a circle, If what came around when the timing was not appropriate was missed, it will come around again. That is an honor in the NOW, is it not? When you are in the NOW, you understand the circular way life works. You will also understand that it is Spirit Who brings what you think you missed. ” KRYONThat was a chunk to chew on….. but I think I get it.Imagine a carousel and like most carousels it has a brass ring. The ring “synchronicity” is the constant. It does not waver or go away. The moving factor is YOU.How many times will you pass the ring before you NOTICE it? How long, once you become aware of the ring, will it take for you to realize you can reach out an take hold of it? How many times will you make adjustments in your position to grasp it successfully?Great things happen to great people and the beauty is we are all great. Haven’t you reached a goal before and when you reflected upon the series of seemingly unrelated events that led you to that great moment it just seemed magical. Did you feel like all the stars just lined up perfectly for you in that instance. I’ve experienced it.Spirit presents multiple brass rings in life. Some we see, some we grab and some pass us by unnoticed. The possibilities never waver, they are always there.Life is a ride….grab the ring baby! If you don’t see it right now. Just keep your eyes open. BE AWARE. It will come your way again.I love each and every one of you.
Juliana
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Slap my ass and call me Daisy…..
During my “quiet time” at the pool this afternoon I got to thinking. Hmmmmm. They say that everyone should have a spiritual animal guide, I wonder what animal I would get for a guide today? …Immediately I had a vision of a cow ( a very cute cow) chewing it’s cud.CUD : “Food regurgitated from the first stomach to the mouth of a ruminant and chewed again”. It’s a digestion thing.
Seems I have been regurgitating some emotional hay and having to chew it up all over again this week to get it down my gullet and out the other end. So, after swimming 5 laps (yes 5 and they aren’t baby laps either – the pool is 75 ft long…I counted the tiles.) ANYWAY – I heaved up on the lounger to multi-task and soak up some late afternoon sun and meditate.
I named every emotion that plagued me this week. Guilt, blame, shame etc and I mentally attached 10 lbs per word and laid them on a spiritual alter of sorts. When I had purged my list I envisioned setting the alter a flame and sending all that negative energy and the weight that burdened me from it up in smoke. I struck the match, I lit the flame and THAT ladies and gentleman is how you start a grease fire! Wow!!!!! Damn good thing there’s not a burn ban in the spiritual world cause that mother went UP! Oooooohhhh. The curse of the creative mind. Meditation time was over and I swam another 5 laps and snorted water up my nose laughing at myself and nearly drowned.
Meditation isn’t for everyone. 20 yrs ago we included my brother, Vern, in a guided meditation class I was hosting. The teacher that night asked us all to go within. Follow the journey and the sound of his voice. Walk in a cave and then out into a glen. When you stand in the glen you were to call forth your animal guide from the tree line and he would emerge…you could ask him a question…blah blah.. he would take you to the SON/SUN for a gift etc….Afterwards we went round the group and asked about each others experience. When it came Vern’s turn to “Share” the teacher asked him.
Well Vern, Did you find the glen?
“Yes sir” -he said with his hands folded lightly on his lap.
Goooood, Vern, did you ask for a spiritual guide to emerge from the tree line?
“Ugh huh, sure did”, he had a grin on his face like he had really learned something important which surprised me.
And did you ask him to take you to the SON/SUN?
Vern quickly blurted out – from a very spiritual place all his own – “Hell no! It was a 12 point buck. I shot that mother. Course, I knew you hippie folks was medi-tating so I shot him with my bow and arrow. Right through the heart. That wiley rascal never knew what hit him!
Word to the wise…..when trying to enlighten a redneck…… use a high beam spotlight. And when working thru the issues that you are sure you already processed and digested – don’t be surprised if you don’t have to go back and spend some time chewing your cud to get it all to go down for good.
I love each and every one of you.
Juliana
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OH, Oh, Oh Pick Me!!!…..
Sometimes it’s just nice to have a little validation once in a while. I have been working on my prayer and mediation for the last year or so as a tool to restore my true self and replace the chaos and scattered thoughts with balance. Heal the mind and the body will follow.Ya see, it’s kinda like this. Prayer is talking to God, boy I can chew his ear off….Meditation is listening quietly (shhhhhhh) for the answer….which is the part I suck at most. But, I have not given up. I work with visualizations and mantras and strive to focus, focus, focus – SQUIRREL! – Focus, Focus, Focus.
I buy books to read and then read them a little at a time.Yes, A little at a time. I told you I have focus issues!
Today I picked back up “A Course in Weight Lose” and thumbed to a new chapter and low and behold if Marianne Williamson isn’t suggesting the same style meditation I thought I came up with all on my own. See, even God hedges his bets and plants seeds of thought to a whole slew of people and just sits back to see who actually “gets” it enough to put it out there to everyone else. Kinda like charades. ANYWAY…..
I had been visualizing. Seeing myself filled with light and have been telling every cell in my body that if it doesn’t serve a positive function in running the physical machine that it may be excused and return to the SOURCE. I thank it for it’s service , all very polite of course and release it as I have done with fear, blame, guilt and other negative energies I have held onto for so long.
Well Marianne has a little fancier version – she suggests you see yourself lying on a beautiful, smooth, white marble slab surrounded in light. Call me crazy but after three heart attacks I’m thinking the last thing I want to think about is being laid out on any kind of slab..even marble….too close for comfort. But the rest of her meditation was pretty close. She suggests a spiritual surgeon to remove the part of you that does not serve you any longer and that he carves away the weight with white light like a razor and the weight just falls away. You are blessed and cleansed blah blah blah. You get it right. So it was just a nice validation that someone out there was thinking along the same lines as I was. Gold Star for me!
I already new I was a winner this morning cause I fit in a pair of pants I hadn’t worn in a year. COMFORTABLY fit…not even a squeeeeeze.
I quickly posted my success on Facebook this morning and the “Congrats” came all day. I AM A WINNER!!!!!! It would be awesome if the Universe just passed out beautiful blondes as a prize for all my hard work and perseverance …(heavy sigh) …. but I’ll settle for a huge chunk of my friends patting my back and spouting encouragement in cyper space any day. It’s too hard to focus with pretty blue eyes staring at you anyway.
I celebrate being healthy, being balanced and bringing myself into a truer representation on the outside of who I am on the inside.
I love each and every one of you. But today…I love my Liz Claiburn jeans just a little bit more. 🙂
Juliana
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Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN..... 
