Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Blog

  • Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!

    What do each of the 4 leaf stand for?

    According to legend of western cultures, each of the four leaf clovers represent one theme.

    • First leaf is for hope
    • Second leaf is for faith
    • Third leaf is for love
    • Fourth leaf is for luck.

    I’m guessing I am one of the Lucky ones. I found a four-leaf clover once on the playground in elementary school. I hung on to it FOREVER. But, much like misspent youth, it is gone. No telling which pocket it was left in to run through the weekly laundry and down the drain. But I always remembered that I FOUND one. Finding it gave me HOPE.  Hope everyone could share in. It gave me FAITH. Cause finding it once meant you could find it again and again if you only look. It warmed my heart and I felt LOVE and connection to the world around me. And yes, It brought me LUCK. I was LUCKY to find it.

    I have been lucky through out my life. I always find hope when I am sure the last tread of hope is lost. I have faith that grows stronger every day that life will lead me where I need to be. I have love – unconditional love for those in my life and those that choose not to be. There is more than enough love to spare. I’d say that makes me pretty damn lucky!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I Hear ya Loud and Clear

    I am human….now, what the hell. What does that mean?

    Does it mean I am a person? An emotional being? A conscious participant in life? HUMAN…it is such an ambiguous term.

    Take for instance, if you heard over a loud speaker in a hospital Emergency Room….HUMAN in exam room 24″ …Well, it tells you someone came in and they are sick. No details though – you don’t know if they are male or female, young or old, or even how sick.  All makes sense to the doctors, right? They are sick – go see them. And if you are the patient in exam room 24 you’re thinking,” Thank God! I’m in exam room 24, help is on the way. I’m NEXT, I’M NEXT, I’M NEXT!!!!”

    What if you heard instead  – over the load speaker ” Morbidly Obese, Female, 48 with CHF and history of PE in respiratory distress room 24″. OUCH! Really? That is something you feel the need to announce over to the whole, entire ER? It felt like they were putting out an alarm. Warning! Warning! Fat Lady in 24~repeat FAT lady in 24″. I already felt like crap so it was just piling insult on top of injury at that point. It made me uncomfortable. And to deflect attention from my size I engaged the health professionals as little as possible and instead focused on texting and reaching outside the ER for some sort of comfort or validation that I was indeed a person, a friend, a daughter, an employee, a girlfriend. Anything I could be BEFORE being MORBIDLY OBESE. Nothing chased away the thought. As fate would have it, I would be placed in isolation and have three days to chew on this thought and how it made me feel. THAT is what humans do. We FEEL things and then we try to figure out WHY we feel them.

    What I came up with is: I don’t want my life to be defined by my size. I don’t want my size to be what everyone notices first. And yet it is. I’m that “big girl” everywhere I go.

    I looked up the morbid obesity chart and I would have to lose 82 lbs to just be considered OBESE and drop the “Morbidly” intro.  Can I do it? You bet your sweet ass I can. A few years back, I didn’t think I could do a lot of things on my own and I have proved myself wrong. I am out in front of the crowd and I am standing tall. I am stronger than I have ever been in body, mind and spirit. I don’t NEED what I thought I needed. I have walked through fire and come out on the other side. I am reborn and take flight like the Phoenix from the ash. To do that I had to LOVE MYSELF where others could not.I had to express that love in new ways that I had never experienced before. I had to forgive my inner self and embrace that chubster in a hug like no one else had ever felt. And I did.

    I realize now that life is a symphony and the people in our lives the notes on the page. Sometimes you experience the full orchestra and sometimes just the simple , tight melodic tone of a horn solo echoing over the masses. Each instrument plays an intricate part in the overall concert and evokes a different emotion. Life is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Being HUMAN can be beautiful if you start with loving yourself.

    Love yourself TODAY no matter what your size, shape or condition. Hearing myself referred to as MORBIDLY OBESE was just a reminder that was NOT who I wanted to be.

    As you love yourself, so shall you become more beautiful to behold.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The perfect gift…..

    In recent weeks we have seen the power of Social Media and it’s ability to spread a thought, a word, a deed. Hundreds of thousands can be moved to action by the ideas and revelations of a few. We are becoming a GLOBAL Consciousness  of Humanity.

    As injustice and restrictions on freedom are seen around the world the people are turning to embrace their own worthiness to live in a world of equal possibilities and open and free thought.

    They are realizing the spiritual power of  ideas and words. And where those words are shared and repeated, unbelievable changes are taking place.

    So too is the power of prayer. I was told recently “All I can do is offer a prayer”. It was an offer wrapped in fear. Fear of getting too involved or close to the situation. A fear of giving more than they were capable of giving. I understood where it came from. But I also realize that PRAYER is the most powerful gift you can give of yourself. When you pray with an open and honest heart, God listens. When you pray, you set aside all that is irrelevant to the situation and send love and healing energy. You get the hell out of the way and let God’s energy be directed to the situation. And when 10’s of thousand pray, God and all of Humanity, whether realized consciously or not, hear the call and are moved to action.

    Hundreds prayed for me while in the hospital last week. And the call has gone out for prayer for my mother who suffered another heart attack today. I hope the  world at large prays for Japan and it’s people after the most devastating disaster since the last world war. Your prayers matter. Never, ever think that your prayer is the lesser gift. It is the only TRUE gift we can give to one another. I am most thankful for your prayers for I am certain they will move mountains. They will see my mother home and healthy and they will see the world rise to rebuild a nation.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Power of One

    Healing Humanity begins with one soul. One person who has the courage to say” Heal me Father, make me whole”.

    I don’t ask that you  take away my disease but rather that you take away the  dis-ease in my spirit that impairs my body. My heart is then restored.

    I don’t ask that you take away the fat that clogs and pollutes my system. I ask that you remove the emotional weight I have resisted letting go of for so many years. I know the pounds will follow.

    Take away my false appetites Father and restore my right train of thought. Lead me to those that will feed my soul and nourish my spirit.

    I lay claim to healing in body, mind and spirit.

    I pray for Peace for Humanity, I pray for Perfect Guidance and Clear Understanding for all people in all things. And so it is.

    I love each and every one of you, and yes Lori, some days, I love you just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • GOOOOD MORNING AMERICA!

    The older I get the quicker Monday mornings seem to be able to sneak up on me. And for all my years of experience I have yet to master the art of getting all my mascara off after a night out on the town. Just when I’m stretching and thinking wow…I feel pretty good this morning. I raise my head and glance into the bathroom mirror with a mouth full of Colgate and I am amazed to see just how far that little bit of left over mascara can run down my face. I look like an Alabama reject from RuPaul’s Drag Race. Oh My Mercy!

    I bust out the cleanser, then the cell repair, the moisturizer and the toner. Late night info-mercials whirl through my mind with visions of age spots, wrinkles, dry skin and crows feet. Then ….WHAT A MINUTE!!!!!  Why am I  worried about all that crap….I already HAVE age spots, wrinkles and crows feet. I earned every last “imperfection”over the last 48 years. They are a road map of experience and character. When all is said and done I realize my moment of panic would have been served just as well with some soap and water and a cup of f’ing coffee. Mmmmmm coffee…..smell that heavenly bean!

    Excuse me while I have a private moment with my Nantucket Blend. Then off to the gym and then to work.

    Good Morning America, It’s MONDAY!!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The colors of the rainbow…

    I awoke this morning just sure I must be having a heart attack…again. I hadn’t even moved and my chest hurt like a BITCH! I ran through a mental check list: No difficulty breathing, not clammy or sweaty. No headache…hmmmm. Then I moved and realized the rest of my body felt the same way. I had to giggle a little. You see YESTERDAY I got adventuresome and checked out ALL the workout equipment in the gym. I was even feeling pretty spry and proud of myself for going through all of them. Today however I swear to God even my nipples hurt.And I know the only way it’s gonna get better is to go back and do it all again. What have I gotten myself into?

    So I get up and turn on the tube while I get myself together and Joel Olsteen is on delivering his Sunday morning message. He’s saying all the right things: Don’t judge people by their differences. Look at people as individuals. God made the blacks, whites, Hispanics and Orientals. He made rich men and poor, Democrats and Republicans. Some people are Aggies and some are Longhorns. No one asked to be born a certain color,class or religion God decided that. All in all, we are all God’s children and if God made us then who are you to judge. Prejudice comes from the word Judge. You are judging someone for being different from the way you are.

    Thank you Joel Olsteen. Now if only you could truly embrace and practice what you preach. Gay people are God’s children too. They were born that way. Just as others are black or white, blue-eyed or brown. Shame on you for not embracing the gays in your own mega church and shame on your brother-in-law in Arlington who canceled a memorial service for a Navy veteran 24 hours before it was to start because the deceased was gay.

    Officials at the nondenominational High Point Church knew that Cecil Howard Sinclair was gay when they offered to host his service, said his sister, Kathleen Wright. But after his obituary listed his life partner as one of his survivors, she said, it was called off.

    Simons ( The preacher)  said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would
    have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there.

    Did I mention that Cecil was a janitor at the mega church? A member of their own “CHURCH FAMILY” turned away 24 hours before his memorial. Where is the love? Where is the compassion and respect? It’s Prejudice. It’s judgment. It’s down right ugly.

    You are right Joel. God made us all in his image. What a beautiful thing. What an incredible rainbow in the world people are. ALL of us. Each and every one of us. Gay, Straight, Aggie or Longhorn….We all play on the same team.

    You may ask yourself. Who is this MAD FAT WOMAN, who is Juliana Wathen? I’ll tell you who I am. I am brilliant, gorgeous, funny and talented. I am a beacon of light that chases away the darkness. I am a cheerleader. I AM THAT I AM… .I am a Child of GOD…. Aren’t YOU?

  • Fat Bottomed Girls….

    I treated myself to a morning…and I do mean the whole, entire morning…sleeping in. Aghhh my God it was a religious experience! But all good things must come to an end. The phone rang and I was up. Coffee and bagel and two cooking shows later I decided to head to the gym to check out the other mysterious equipment surrounding my favorite treadmill.

    There are a bevy of machines all designed to inflict torture…I mean, exercise various strategic portions of the human body. All are adjustable to your height and capabilities and relatively easy to use and effective. I put myself through the paces. I pushed and pulled on all the appropriate handles and pads and was feeling a little cocky….It was even…forgive me….FUN! Then, I decided to try out the stationary bicycle. It was cool looking with its screen, buttons and gears. You would think the bike to be a rather relaxing, non intimidating apparatus.It has a TV monitor and various simulated “trails” you can ride  and even a “pacer” (that would be the simulated rider in front of you ) so you can take in the sights and stare at his ass the whole workout.

    I assumed the position and slide my feet onto the pedals and pushed the buttons to  begin my CROSS COUNTRY ride. The pacer appeared just up in front of me on my right hand side. I admit I knocked him out by running him over within the first quarter-mile but he just kept getting back up and getting in my way. I ended up on the grass several times as it wasn’t the easiest thing to steer. Before completing the first lap I had ended up in the creek once and smashed into a tree…or two. And we just won’t talk about the PACER anymore, bless his heart. I was 10 minutes into my ride before I was finally getting the hang of it when I began to feel sore. And it was getting worse. Muscles were burning and I wasn’t even in a low gear. But it wasn’t my legs that were giving out. It was my ASS. You see the damn seat is less than 6 inches wide. Standard  size I later found out. And well, let’s just call it like we see it. My ASS is certainly bigger than a 6 inch wide bicycle seat. My tail bone was numb. My cheeks were screaming and I had to bail. OMG!  That was torture!

    As I walked around the gym to try to restore the blood flow to my butt cheeks I just started laughing to myself and singing the classic QUEEN song. “Fat Bottomed Girls, they make the rocking world go round”.

    Yes they do! And until I can reduce the QUEEN sized width of my behind this FAT BOTTOMED GIRL is sticking to the treadmill.

    I love each and  every one you

    Juliana

  • Put A Bow On It!

    A very old and wise woman reminded me yesterday that every day is a gift – so put an ef’ing bow on it!  Okay…maybe she’s not THAT old but she is pretty darn savy none the less. And she is 100% correct! There I said it! Lori Westmoreland is RIGHT as rain!

    Size cannot be a determining factor in dressing up your day and enjoying the moment. We live in the NOW, not tomorrow or next week or next month. And yeah – it’s great if you lose 10 lbs next month and you can wear those OTHER jeans but not having lost it TODAY should not keep you from living life to the max and making the best of what God gave you.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And if you aren’t BEHOLDEN your own beauty in the mirror then shame on you! SIZE is not the issue. SELF ESTEEM is the issue. So as Lori says – “Go get your toes done – you’ll feel better”. She has a point. DO something for yourself that makes you feel beautiful. Stop hiding behind the mental image of how you think you should look and LIVE today. Stop dreaming about that “Coming out” party your gonna throw for yourself when you weight 100 lbs less. Come out NOW! Walk the red carpet TODAY! Life is a gift and so am I. Don’t love me for just who I am on the inside of the box. Don’t love me “inspite” of my size.  Love me….. gift wrapped, bow and all. SELF ESTEEM….It’s sexier than SIZE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Human Touch

    When was the last time you reached outside your comfort zone and took the time to touch someone during your day? I mean, really stop and make direct eye contact and engage someone for a moment that you didn’t even know. Not as part of your job but as a part of LIVING.

    I am guilty. Guilty of running from one task to the next from sun up to sundown, day in and day out, and in those moments letting the living pass me by. We are all probably guilty of ignoring people from time to time. Invisible people, homeless people, physically challenged people,the old and infirm….and yes, the service people who make are days easier by taking away our trash and clipping our lawns and taking away our dirty plates at the restaurant. DIFFERENCES inherently make people uncomfortable. I am aware that I make some people uncomfortable by being overweight. As a large person I can sense those that look PAST me and those that render me  INVISIBLE .I therefore experience times and situations where I am painfully shy. Invisible has become my preference.

    I saw a man the other morning through the window of my apartment gym as I was huffing away on the treadmill. He was tall, thin and blacker than black. He was putting up the umbrellas on the outside patio. He must have felt me watching him as he looked up and caught my gaze then  immediately lowered his eyes and walked away.

    I finished my 30 minute workout and headed upstairs to my apartment. I got a glass of water and a book and headed out to the courtyard to cool down , read and meditate by the fountain. It was cool outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain stilled my mind. I thought of the man I had seen earlier and wondered if he felt as invisible as I do.

    I heard footsteps on the pavement and looked up and saw him again. He was on to his next task – cleaning the courtyard. I watched him for a moment. He made a point not to look up. And I thought…son of a bitch – he is as scared of me as I am of…everybody! In that moment I made the bold, spontaneous decision to speak. “Good morning” I said…making sure I spoke clearly and with purpose. He looked up and shyly returned the greeting. “What’s is your name?” I asked and he said “QUIT” in an obvious accent. I repeated his name and asked him “Where are you from?” He paused and seemed to relax a bit and settled his hands on his broom handle. “Africa” he said. I smiled and said ” Well, I am glad you are here. And THANK YOU for making our home such a nice place to live”. A large smile broke out across his face. He nodded his head and said “You are welcome”. In that moment I knew we had just made each others day.We shared in a human experience.

    It made me glad I went to the gym. I made me glad I took the time to go meditate in the courtyard. I was glad I reached past my own discomfort to maybe ease the discomfort of another. Giving is a gift that comes back to you over and over.

    Take the time to reach out and touch. SEE the people around you and you will be SEEN. All that flows from you and all that flows to you is good when it is sent with pure intent.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Nothing more than Feelings

    I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

    My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

    It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

    When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

    If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

    I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

    I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana