Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

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  • Knock…Knock…..

    Whose there….

    Me….

    Me who???

    I’m not sure. I was hoping you could tell me….

    Tell you what?

    Who I am….

    Are you lost??

    I don’t think so…

    So why did you knock on my door?

    I’m not sure…It seemed like the right thing to do…

    Do you need something? Are you hurt or hungry?

    No. I’m think I’m just waiting….

    Waiting?  Waiting for what?

    Not sure…I think I’ll know it when I see it.

    Should I call the Police?

    Why? Are you afraid?

    NO! Well, yes…maybe a little. I mean you’re here and I don’t know where you’re from or who you are, what you want or who even sent you….

    Sometimes we over analyze and are so busy questioning our lives that we miss the guidance that comes our way. We are frozen by the lack of FAITH and live behind the door safely shut away from the world.  When OPPORTUNITY knocks….it rarely has time to explain how it got there. Be a good neighbor and open the door.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Life of the party…..

    What can I say…the weekend had a bit of a rough start on Friday talking to Doctors and looking at scans and going over the practical “Business” of end care.  Aghhh, but it ended with a bang up time with a whole lot of friends I knew a long time ago. A time when life was filled with yellow buses and school supplies, pranks, pep rallies and prom. I thank God I went cause I was soooooo tempted to SKIP IT like a Health Class.

    I know, I know…I was preaching a hard-line the last few weeks telling people to “suck it up” and “get over their phobias” and ‘”just go have fun”. But I must admit, when I turned the car down the driveway that evening my stomach twisted and turned.  I looked at LAW and said…”I’d be okay staying home if you are”….but she grabbed my hand and squeezed as she often does and I knew I’d be okay.

    Class reunions are a  right of passage for all of us I think. A time to put old demons to rest and realize we were all just doing the best we could to survive the human experience called “childhood”. We chatted, posed for pics, shared a drink and had a laugh or two. We eased into the evening and the people we had become.

    Reunions aren’t so much for reliving the past as they are for processing our future. It’s a pit stop of sorts…  There’s a crew there that knows you and what makes you tick. One wipes away the grime from your windshield so you can see the road ahead. Others outfit you with a new set of tires to keep your grip on the road and someone else top’s off your tank to take you round the track a few more times.

    I’m putting the petal to the metal and keeping my eye on the road ahead knowing I have the best pit crew ever assembled. It’s called Tiger Pride and we are all the LIFE OF THE PARTY in this experience called LIFE.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Final 24…..

    7:00 PM TONIGHT…we enter the FINAL 24 hours before Conroe High School’s Class of 1981-  30 Year REUNION WEEKEND at Sam’s Boat at the Lake. What would Jack Bauer do?  (Cue music)

    To hell with Jack! He got cancelled anyway. What are YOU gonna do?

    It’s a little late to lose 20yrs in 20 minutes but if you wanna pay the premium – be my guest. I’m sure the swelling will go down in plenty of time for the “Most Well Preserved” contest. It’s scheduled to take place just before last call….must be present to win.

    Oh, Look at it this way. If you look like you, only older, we’ll know who you are. If we have to keep asking everybody (and by everybody I mean Lisa Bull)…”Who is that again?” You might as well of stayed home and watched reruns of 24 while downing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

    I know everybody can feel a little insecure at times. I’m a little freaked out too. 30 Yrs is a long time! I’ve only kept in touch with a handful of folks. And to be perfectly honest. I didn’t know most people in the school cause it was so dang huge!

    Have you been feeling those little flutters in your stomach all day today? I have. A little quiezy?  Honey, bless our hearts! Feels just like Prom night jitters doesn’t it? Agh… but prom night was a long time ago. Look at the upside. We don’t have to worry about getting stuck with a corsage pin by our date, we don’t have a curfew and if our outfit pops off on the way home chances are it’s because we’re having a hot flash and the last thing we want is for someone to start TOUCHING us. I get it! Relax…It’s gonna be fun!

    SO, what will I be doing during the last 24?  I’ll be  jamm’in to a custom playlist of top 100 songs of 1980-81 while I top of my bag of freshly laundered outfits. I’ve got all the basics covered from party to pool and back again. I’ll scann the FLARE one- more- time just to remind myself of the 80’s era and who apparently did what and when. (It’s like Cliff notes only with pictures) It’s coming back to me slowly but surely.  I’ll check arrival times on all my BFF’s. Paint my toes a festive color! Charge my camera battery and remind Marianne Merritt one more time….BIG GIRL PANTIES AND PJ’S at LORI’S….It’s the LAW.

    I’ll see you there! Travel Safe!

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Just a tree……

    My roots run deep and branch out in all directions beneath me. They anchor me in storms holding fast to the soil. They drink in the sweet energy of the earth everyday and night and feed me the nourishment I need. The exchange never ceases. I am more grounded today than the day before as my roots reach deeper and deeper into that which sustains me.

    I stand tall and sturdy knowing my core is balanced. Flexible enough to sway in the wind but strong enough to hold my position. I am engrained with layers upon layers of experiences that envelope me telling a story all their own and marking the passage of life. Each layer is larger than the one before , allowing my heart more room to grow.  And more room to carry the hearts of so many within me. I am stronger today than the day before as I build upon what I have learned.

    A canopy of branches and leaves stretch above me and provide shade from the harshness in the world. Unafraid of the unknown they reach out to new heights and experiences. They take and they give, absorbing the energy from the sun and filtering it back out to the world as pure intent. I stand taller today than I did the day before unafraid to grow beyond my own yard.

    The Tree of Life is not just a tree, it is who you are. Yesterday, today and tomorrow. It is the summon total of all our experiences.

    “here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
    higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)”   
    —      E.E. Cummings

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

  • Calling all Angels…..

    The night is silent in this house except for the hum of a fan in the corner. I sit and stare at a blue eye like my own and wonder if it sees the shooting star coming it’s way. I don’t always see them coming but I sense their presence in my life, glimmering swift messengers I tack my wishes to.

    My wishes are prayers I send out to the Heavens each night. I wish you peace in all things. I wish you guidance when you’re unsure of your next step. I wish you perfect understanding in all life’s challenges. I wish you happiness and most of all, I wish you love.

    Sleep as if held in the arms of angels and know that you are loved 100 times more than you can ever imagine. Thank you, my angels, for always being there when I call.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • My Independence Day…..

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

    When will this statement from the Declaration of Independence be applied to ALL of the citizens of the United States of America? Many, including members of my own family, stand on their self-proclaimed Conservative Christian Faith and scream at the top of their lungs that this country was founded on CHRISTIANITY. And that GOD willing, we will return to THEIR level of Conservatism in the next election. They would deny Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness to me simply because I am gay.

    The Declaration of Independence was just that. A statement that we the citizens of the Colonies had the right  to dissolve our connection with Britain citing Laws of Nature and Nature’s God. “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” 

    So here we have “Creator” and ‘Law’s of Nature” and Nature’s God”…..Nothing there about Church of England, Catholic, Protestant, Quaker or Queers….so no DOGMA was adopted there. Not sure what DOGMA is??  Dogma: A doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church.

    The Constitution is the document that lays out the frame-work of government and the division of power and our judicial systems and makes no reference to BEING a CHRISTIAN to be in good standing as a citizen of this country. In fact there is no mention of CREATOR – LAWS of NATURE -NATURE’S GOD or GOD in this document. Nope – No DOGMA there either.

    Then along came The Bill of Rights.   And because of the persecution under the previous government  and the CHURCH of England they felt the need to ensure these RIGHTS First.

    Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

    So inferring again that the country was BASED on conservative Christian values is a big steaming pile of poo.

    Had the founding fathers intended to form a government based on a doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church they would have just been abandoning the Church of England for the establishment of the CHURCH OF AMERICA. We have a country settled by a majority of Christians who respectfully created a land set up with a separation of Church and State.

    Someday, I hope we all are allowed Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness without the exceptions that some would bind us with. Someday I hope to marry and when I get married – that “SIGNIFICANT OTHER” will be my WIFE. And that doesn’t mean I’m more masculine than her and that I have to take out the trash while she makes dinner. It’s not about defining domestic roles within a household. It means she is the woman I love and make a commitment to for life. She will be my wife and I will be hers. THAT is what being a spouse should be. And if that level of commitment or lack there of determined a title then my Mother would be a WIFE…my father?  a “Significant Other”…..if even that. His level of love, honor and cherish over the years has been in serious default…so what makes him a husband? His signature at the bottom of a certificate filled out in a judge’s chamber issued by the State of Oklahoma…not a church.

    I would have married a tall blue-eyed blonde if she would have had me. But GOD had other plans for my life and hers. Yes…I do believe in God. A power that guides my steps, my words and my voice to stand up for myself and those like me that want nothing more than to express our love for someone in the ultimate way. To marry and to build a family. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It’s meant for anyone.

    I love each and every one of you, all people, all races, all religions, all preferences ALL GODS CHILDREN.

    Juliana

  • The Boy Scout Motto…..

    Being Prepared. It USED to mean a jump bag in  the trunk of  my car filled with all the necessities for an over night romp and a clean set of clothes for work the next day. NO walk of shame here!

    Today? Not so much. First off. If you need to see me that bad on short notice…pack your own bag and get your ass to my house. I ain’t driving to South Dallas. Been there – done that.

    And second…well, there is no second. Number 1 took care of everything.

    I decided I better make up an emergency jump bag in case that call comes from mom, the hospital or a home health care provider. Ms Wanda made a statement the other day that just keeps ringing in my head. She was talking about herself and the passing of my dad but I’m thinking it could be about any of us. “You never know how you will react till it happens”. And she is right. All logic may fly right out the window and packing a toothbrush and underwear will likely be harder than you can imagine and lets face it, I have PLENTY of everything to make up a 4 day bag and not miss it in my daily routine. So, I did – rather hesitantly at first then my hyper Capricorn Organizer mode kicked in. Q-tips, cotton balls, nail clippers and file . Hair brush and comb and scrunchies with style. PJ’s and panties and socks galore – then all the makeup – the samples from the store. I’m packed and ready. I’ve done what I can,  to prepare for the day when the bad news comes.

    I don’t know how I’ll act but I know what I’ll have. A lil bit of home in a polka dot bag.

    I love each and every one of you

    Thanks for keeping us in your prayers

    Juliana

  • XXX Confessions…..

    Dieting, I am beginning to realize, is a lot like sex. When you have to do the same thing over and over it can get stale and let’s face it – boring. The temptation to stray can be overwhelming. Excitement mounts at the thought of something new,different and dangerous. Before you know it you’re sitting at Phil & Derek’s Cafe having a threesome over the most sinful dish of macaroni and cheese with white truffle oil that you ever dipped your spoon in. Work with me here. I’m still talking about the dieting.

    Jimmie Swaggart may have only paid a prostitute to take of her clothes so he could watch over…and over…and over. But I dove right in and tasted the forbidden fruit. And ooooh my God is was gooooood!!!! Ounce for ounce my mac-n-cheese cost WAY more than a New Orleans hooker but it was worth every penny. I know you are supposed to confess with remorse in your heart but I just can’t muster any up right now.

    Life happens and stress mounts as family matters pop up and friends pass or fall on hard times. It’s harder and harder to MAKE TIME to take care of my business. But I know the only one I am neglecting is myself. I didn’t feel as good this week as I had been feeling so I worked today on getting back on track. I battled the 4th of July foodies at the local grocery fighting their way through the hotdogs and beer and gathered up a bevy of heathy Scooby Snacks and dinner fix’ins. I came home and fixed up my two-week supply of snack bags for work.And now I feel a little better about the whole situation.

    I guess I’m standing before the congregation of life and proclaiming my re-dedication to the cause. I feel like I should say the Pledge of Allegiance or something to make it official but instead…I’m gonna put my feet up and watch Paula Deen on the cooking channel. Mmmm. I love me some Paula Deen!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • What to wear?????

    No it’s not a white tie, formal affair so keep your opera gloves in the drawer where they belong!But there has been some confusion amongst the Fashionistas of  the group about WHAT TO WEAR to a 30 yr class reunion.

    Okay Tigers and Tigerettes, let’s just go over a few small details and I bet you can figure out what you’re gonna wear quicker than a cat can lick its ass.

    1.) Location, Location, Location. Sam Boat is a fine establishment…LAKE SIDE. And though they can accommodate 300 plus, count on only 75-100 being in the air condition at any one time. So  – If you find that sweat balls running in and out of unseen and never explored crevices as being a hinderance to your good time – powder your bits and pieces and dress appropriately.

    2.) Purpose of Gathering: Now most of us are there to see just how bad everybody else looks so we can feel a little bit better about ourselves. Let’s just call a Pig a Pig shall we.  But if you happen to be a bit self-conscious about the way you look remember the Golden Rule of Fashion. I’ve said it before…. The bigger the hair – the smaller your ass looks….nuff said.

    3.)Shopping….I have noticed at past reunions that some single folks like to do some “shopping”. Keep these tips in mind.

    If they already saw it in high school – show’em something new for Christ’s sake. Cleavage will only get you so far and if your britches are tight enough to be a terroristic threat, please pick a trunk that fits your junk!

    AND  If its got a ring on it – best figure there is a deer rifle in the truck and his/her spouse may not have any problem at all taking in some target practice while in the country. (Lori Acker- Westmreland will have a shovel and a bag of lye in her trunk if someone has a need…see the bartender and have her paged…$50.00 cash deposit on the shovel required)

    4.) SHOES & ACCESSORIES: We all have been shopping for jewelry at Harwin honey, don’t try to pass off that shit as real if it ain’t. You’ll just embarrass yourself. And if you think you can manage stilettos on a wooden plank deck….carry your health insurance card so when you get your spike heel caught between the planks and snap your ankle after sucking down 10 tinsy weensy margaritas we can call 911 for ya! Okay…we will HOPE it’s your ankle cause you break a hip at this age it’s all down hill.

    5.) MAKE-UP: I love getting my drag on just as much as any girl. But what goes up…..with spackle and powder….must come down. Last call is gonna look more like banquet night at a sci-fi convention if you don’t use moderation and bring a few touch up toys.

    Lipstick, blush and something to touch up that eye liner girl, geeze are you from Willis or what?

    The real reason we will all be there is just to see each other and have a good time. So please, don’t sweat the small stuff. Just show up and have some fun…I’m pretty sure I heard Hood is buying the first round…..I’ll see you there!!!

    I love each and ever one of you

    Juliana

  • Dance with my father……

    My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”

    Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.

    I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.

    I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.

    I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses  to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.

    I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.

    What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.

    I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Video link to Dance with My Father.

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