Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: weight lose

  • Nothing more than Feelings

    I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

    My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

    It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

    When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

    If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

    I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

    I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…First Place

    I am the worst person when it comes to self restraint. I live big, I work BIG and I LOVE BIG. Like a pit bull lock jawed on a burglar I don’t like giving up what I love. And let’s face it. I love to eat or I wouldn’t weigh 300 lbs. But all that BIG LIVING leaves little time to dedicate to loving myself in a bigger way and making a plan to eat and live better.

    On Friday I had to go to a meeting downtown.There was no parking anywhere near the building I needed to go to and the thought of walking 6 city blocks make me sick to my stomach. But I got out, purse on one shoulder and binder in my hand, I huffed it…… all the way to 811 Dallas. I reached my final destination panting and sweating like a prime swine at the rodeo pig races. But alas there was no one there to give me an Oreo for making it to the finish line, or a chair…or a drink of water.Thank God I got to catch my breath and pat my brow while waiting on the elevator before meeting my client.

    I stepped on the elevator and with a deep heavy sigh…it dawned on me. THAT was exercise! AND I LIVED!!!!!!

    It wasn’t a race where you get a ribbon or a marathon for a great cause. It was just me and the concrete. The only one who realized what an accomplishment it was for a 300 lb woman with heart failure….was me. And  then, that  “inner voice” that always seems to speak to me when I least expect it. When I’m alone and quite….like in an elevator being hauled up to the top floor of a downtown office building for a meeting I was late to, it  said to me “Just because you know you won’t place first is no reason not to run the race”.

    Hmmmmm.Well, I’ll be! That’s the beauty of life. You get to enter a new race everyday. Sometimes you win and get a ribbon, sometimes you place and find new friends on the podium and other times you cross the finish line last. But that’s okay. The only ones that the evening news ever shows crossing the finish line are the winner and the last to complete the course. Smile for the camera baby! YOU MADE IT!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • UP!

    Okay Saturday morning…how you do’in? I’m up. Maybe not completely vertical but up none the less. I have a cup of coffee, have called two after-hours techs for equipment for a show tomorrow and since my laundry is done and the cat is fed…..I’m stuck staring at my YOGA DVD.

    Why is the thought of starting a 20 minute yoga routine such a drudgery. It’s gonna make me feel better. I’ll be more flexible. I’ll be focused for the day. My circulation will increase! Maybe I’m just afraid what the good old oxygen rich blood might do to those starved nether regions. I don’t want no trouble outta yous guys!

    The sectional sofa is calling my name like a siren from the shore. The chatter on Facebook is all about the new French cooking show on the Food Network and the remote control is just….right…there. The glistening bottle of amber Amaretto sitting on my kitchen counter is screaming “Put me in the God Damn Coffee!”. Sofa, Snuggie, TV, Coffee GOODNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

    And then I hear in a calm soothing voice…..”The couch will still be there in 20 minutes. You can TiVo the cooking channel and the Amaretto….well, and wouldn’t you rather trade in the Amaretto for a glass of wine at dinner tonight?”

    What?     Who said that?  Hmmmm, nobody here but me and Punkin and that cat ain’t talking.  Then comes a whisper in my ear…”Inner Voice”.

    Aghhh yes, I remember now. I have been praying for guidance and meditating to “hear” the answers. Well, just smack me on the back and call me successful. I was LISTENING and didn’t even know it. I guess this stuff really does work.

    Okay – I am up. DVD in and me and my new boyfriend Rodney Yee are gonna get down to some YOGA. Excuse me. Check ya later.

    Namaste

    Juliana

    The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. “Nama” means bow, “as” means I, and “te” means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means “bow me you” or “I bow to you”    Aadil Palkhivala’s

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Bear of a morning.

    I had a bear of a morning. I mistakenly thought that if my doctor’s appointment was early enough say….9am, that I would be in and out in a flash. My elbow has been killing me ever since I moved last month. But since this is my new Primary Care Physician the nurse promptly escorted me to the SCALE. Aghhhh jeeze!! Really??  It’s my ELBOW!

    Yes, I stepped on the scale and there weren’t too many surprises as far as I was concerned. I have lost 7 lbs since I moved but in the GRAND scheme of things the nurse was less than impressed with my numbers.

    The Doctor took the time to jot down all my medical history and look at my elbow and diagnosed “Tennis Elbow”. He told me to go purchase a strap available at most all pharmacies and give it a few weeks. If it was still bothersome then it would need to have cortisone shot. LOVELY!

    But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought. Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when you think you are.

    I just found out last night that a few years back while performing in Miami that several of the others I performed with recognized that I was having extreme difficulty with the traveling and the heat. I have heart failure and the trip was taking a toll. It wasn’t till last night that I found out just how much other people care. These two friends I performed with had taken the time to locate the nearest Hospital and had researched and mapped the fastest route for getting me out of each theatre. They made sure that others were aware to keep an eye on me as well. I never knew. I thought I had handled it all myself. Rarely do we actually do that. People hold our hands ever day through thought and prayer. They are the silent supporters that carry us through our days. NO ONE gets there alone. And the beauty is – you never, ever had to to begin with.

    So thank you Dr. Le for taking the time when I impatiently thought I had none to point out that the Universe continues to nudge me in the direction of a healthier life every day. And that even when I think I am handling everything myself – I am standing on the spiritual shoulders of all those that love and hold me dear.

    I love each and every one of you. God Bless.

  • RoadBlock

    Diary of a MAD FAT WOMAN…..Roadblocks

    • “When the Universe throws out one roadblock after another, how do you know whether the message is to quit or to redouble your efforts?”

    I saw this as a status post yesterday. And it really got me to thinking. Life has been FULL of roadblocks and detours and there have been a few that have definitely made me want to just curl up and die. There have been other times I just dug in my heels, redouble my efforts and insisted on taking THAT particular road at all costs. Call it head strong, call it stubborn but really I was just resisting the tug of gravity to move in the right direction.

    I have found that the Universe erects these roadblocks to nudge us in a new direction or a new way of approaching life. Some of our greatest accomplishments have come about because of our greatest challenges.

    I set upon a path of journaling to help me focus on moving ahead. I thought I would never recover from the ending of a relationship that I saw as the love of my life. My health was spiraling out of control and I had no true passion for living. 48 yrs old and alone, I only had myself to talk me out of this overwhelming depression. So I did just that. I talked to myself and put it on paper and out to the Universe to hold me accountable. It has been therapy and an unexpected blessing. Responses come in everyday from people who have had the same feelings and questions in life. I am my own voice and I realize I am also theirs. 780 people read  DOAMFW…Hiding in Plain Sight yesterday. I am blown away.

    My relationship was unsuccessful but the rewards and lessons I learned from it will bless me for the rest of my life. There are no mistakes, only life experiences. So the next time life throws you a roadblock. Stop, Look and Listen and see what direction the Universe is trying to nudge you into. LIFE, it’s the best Map Quest EVER!

  • Hiding in plain sight.

    Many of us spend each day HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT. We are content to go unnoticed and undiscovered.

    I am guilty. Yes, I have developed my own well defined defenses that will keep my head down and in a word give me a sense of being SMALLER than I am. I will avoid wearing make-up most days, hardly ever wear jewelry and dress for comfort rather than to impress. Because what happens when I do make myself presentable?  PEOPLE  NOTICE.

    The funny thing is – it’s not just about size and weight. People from all walks of life practice this every day. People who think they aren’t pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. I have to ask what ENOUGH is? Who determines that sliding scale of acceptability? Well genius, it is self imposed.

    Yes, there I go again. It is our own responsibility to determine our place in the world. We determine how much attention we garner every day. Being noticed is another way of being held accountable. I for one have avoided being held accountable as long as I can.  So the next time you try to convince yourself you are just a wall flower, ask yourself, from whom are you hiding?

  • What’s for dinner?

    Hello Universe. What’s for dinner? Hmmmmm. Guess I have gotten into a rut of always eating and doing the same thing every week. It’s a routine and I know it well. It didn’t dawn on me to change it …much. I mean, I know when I cruise the aisles at Kroger I should make healthier choices. After all, the last time I took my measurements my body shape was neither apple nor pear shaped. Nope – my shape more resembled a triple dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen.Girl just throw some candied sprinkles on me and call me DELICIOUS!

    Some days it is just hard to move my body.EVERYTHING hurts! Reason says I should go downstairs and get on the fancy dancy treadmill in the work out room but it just seems boring, NO bells, NO whistles.  Besides…when do I ever listen to reason. And who the hell is she anyway!Why can’t they make a slot machine/treadmill combo. Now THAT I could go for. Cha CHING!!!!

    Mid life has gotten stale and that is my fault. So it dawned on me to try something NEW. Time to broaden my horizon past the NCIS marathon every evening.

    I bought a Beginning YOGA DVD and the most obnoxiously bright pink Yoga matt I could find. I was determined to end my Sunday night stretching, breathing and breaking my body, mind and spirit into some new and untried ground.

    I put on comfortable clothes that would let me move. I relocated the coffee table and inserted the DVD and rolled out my new hot pink matt…I was ready!

    Then nothing…damn thing wouldn’t play. The cable man had not hooked up the DVD player and try as I may I could NOT get the thing to work. I huffed and puffed and moved the TV around. I fiddled and faddled all to no avail.The YOGA work out was supposed to be a 20 minute relaxing and exhilerating experience…instead I had a thirty minute workout man handling electronics. And you know what – I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel better!

    So my plan may not have worked the way I had intended and yes – Carlos will be coming over to hook up the electronics properly sometime this week. But I think I’m gonna like this new BIG GIRL YOGA!

    Think outside the box – Try something new this week!!!

  • Happy New Year

    The commercials have already started this morning…LOSE WEIGHT NOW! SAY GOOD BYE TO THOSE HOLIDAY POUNDS! JOIN TODAY!!!

    Well, I can’t blame it on the holidays. I can’t BLAME it on anyone but myself. As far back as I can remember I have been presented with and  held on to feelings of rejection, unworthiness and isolation. I always felt that I lived on the outside looking in. For every embarrassment and for every ounce of shame, I put a pound of flesh in my pocket.

    Psychologist have written thousands of books on how the obese insulate and protect themselves with their weight. In reality…because we chose to hang on to the hurt and not see the lesson – we build up…not a wall to keep others out, that is a farce. We build ourselves into larger targets! We beg the universe to hit us again and again. Ask…and it shall be given. That is the law. I had no clue I knew how to use it so well and so simply.

    So the lessons kept coming for 48 yrs. In 2010 I experienced what I hope is my last rejection.  My last step backwards with my health. My last failed love affair. My last imposed self isolation.

    I release my “pound of flesh” for every embarrassment I have felt. A pound for each ounce of shame. I release each cell in my body that is not necessary to it’s positive function. I no longer see the need to be a target. I am a Child of God. Spirit within knows what I should look like and my body will adjust to this new consciousness.

    In reality I am all that I chose to be;  an Artist, Actress, Singer, Writer, Explorer, Gambler, Chef, Friend, Daughter, Niece, a shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime.  I am many things to many people. I am that I AM.

    Happy New Year

    And may 2011 be your best year ever. I know it will be mine.