Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Duck made me do it!

    I don’t know about you but there is nothing better to me than relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath at the end of a long cold day.Aghhhhhhh. And well, let’s face it – you are NEVER too old for bath toys. I have several. So it was just me, my loufa and my ducks. Aghhhh the luxury. As I watched the ducks bob around my ankles it suddenly hit me. The DUCK made me do it! What a great excuse. And how funny would it be if every time you heard someone put the blame on their unsavory decisions on THE DUCK.

    Sounds pretty silly doesn’t it. But it is that simple. We either operate from faith or fear. That is what molds each decision we make everyday. We either BELIEVE or have faith in what we are doing and who we are or we are fearful and fill our days with senseless reactions.

    When we make a good decision. We claim it. We “thought long and hard” and made the right choice. But often when we feel we might have made the wrong choice we put the blame outside ourselves. The Devil made me do it. Or I was “talked” into it, or my partner said I should. We REMOVE our responsibility. But actually – you put just as much thought into the wrong decision by deciding not to own your own destiny.

    So think about it today. Listen to those around you and listen to yourself.

    Are you living in Faith? Do you know who you are and where you are going? Or is their a duck in your tub taking the blame for your water logged fingers and toes looking like prunes.

    Just a thought

    Juliana

  • Stop-Look-Listen

    It’s not just for train crossings anymore.

    If you don’t know how you feel how can you build a better life? If you put off thinking about your life then you will continue to spin in a circle as if one foot is hammered to the floor. You will continue to do the same thing day in and day out.

    Wouldn’t you rather move forward? There is a whole world out there waiting for you to realize who you are and join in the fun.

    Stop: And still your mind

    Look: Into your heart to understand what you are truly feeling

    Listen: For inner voice to tell you how to move forward.

    I love you all

    Juliana

  • Whose sailing this ship?

    Life is about choices. And the choices you make are what create the world you live in. That’s right. It’s all on you. So if you’re not happy with the way your life is going. Change it.

    If you step back and listen, it is amazing how many people will tell you they are unhappy because of the other people around them. Most of them are not even aware that they lay the responsibility at everyone else’s feet.

    “My job sucks! My Boss demands too much and appreciates little if anything. I can NEVER do enough for that company.”

    “Where is my best friend when I need her, I do so much more for her”

    “My partner needs to step up, If I don’t do everything, nothing gets done “.

    Everywhere they look – they see “LACK”.

    I can hear it ringing in my ears; Quitters never win!….If it’s what you want you’ll have to work for it….  Butch up NANCY! And then it comes out…If THEY would just see what I do, If THEY would just appreciate who I am , If THEY just loved me more.

    But Hang on! It’s not about THEM. Being unhappy or unfulfilled is on me. It is my choice.

    I am all about working smarter these days. And SMARTER means sailing your own ship. Take responsibility for where you are and who gets to ride on your boat. And if they aren’t sea worthy then they need to stay on shore. Set your own course and let life fill your sails. Make the choice to let go and let GOD. Let that inner voice guide you to new heights, a new job, friend or partner. It may mean letting go of people you really care about and thought would always be beside you but part of your mutual lesson in life will be about moving on. It doesn’t  mean you don’t love them, it just means their way of living doesn’t work for you. And that’s O.K. because it is their choice as well.

    Change is scary. And sometimes you would rather hang on to half of what you want than let go and have nothing. But you can’t move forward with a new plan till you let go of the old energy. You can’t feel the spray of the ocean if you never leave the dock. Toss the lines and set sail. Heaven is a state of mind and it is your choice to welcome it with open arms.

  • Never to late.

    What does your wall look like? You know what I am talking about….your WALL. Most everyone has one. I’m not talking about a little monkey grass border up your sidewalk…or a white picket fence. In fact, picket fences can be rather decorative and practical. It says everything in a polite way –  “STAY OFF THE GRASS” and keep your dog out of my yard please.  Here in the South good fences make for good neighbors. What I’m asking you about is YOUR WALL.

    I’ll go first. My wall is tall…but not TOO tall. I can’t reach the top, it’s a few feet out of my reach. You would think it would stretch left to right as far as the eye could see, but no, mine is really no more than five or six feet from center in each direction. The thing is when I’m standing in the center of it, hands pressed into it and holding fast, I can’t see over or around it. So I guess it is doing it’s job. There are cracks in the wall though that let sun light in and if I press my eye up to them I can just see the other side to gaze upon all that I am missing.

    Sometimes people scale the wall or tunnel under to come see me. They do all the things to show me I am worth the effort which is what I expect. After all…I built the wall to keep them out or at least make it a challenge to find me.Oh I am SO glad to see them but by and by ….I turn my attention back to my wall. Cause I have to hold it up you see. I can’t embrace you with both arms cause I gotta keep at least one hand on the wall. Sometimes when my arms are tired I just put my back up against it. And when I turn around I find the people have all gone. It’s just me and my wall.

    What happens if I let go? What happens if I back away? What happens if I don’t tend the wall? Do I have to break through it to get the other side? I’ve heard that from others ” you have to just break through”…but do I? That phrase is just steeped in impending pain and suffering. Dear God, Help me see this differently.

    I take a deep breath. I take my hands slowly from the wall. NOTHING CHANGES. I back up three steps and look at this barrier I have created for myself. WALL IS STILL THERE. NOTHING CHANGES.

    I take another deep breath and let it out. I look at this obstacle I have created over the last 48 years and then it dawns on me. WALK AROUND IT!!! I put one foot in front of the other and walk around the wall to the other side. No pain. No stress. I just walk and I keep walking. The air is fresher, the sun is brighter, my step is lighter. I am free of the wall. THAT is the break thru.

    It’s never too late to look at your life differently. It’s never too late to ask for guidance. It’s never too late to love or be loved. The perfect time is NOW.

    Happy Re-birthday to everyone!

  • Believe

    I started this diary last year on my 47th birthday. Tomorrow marks the passing cycle of another 365 days.

    And what have I learned in this time?

    I’ve learned that when you dwell in fear you will lose what you were AFRAID of losing. The things that you were afraid might happen, happen. And the opportunities you were afraid would never come your way, never do.

    The flip side of the coin? When you have Faith, when you BELIEVE beyond a shadow of a doubt – you can move mountains.

    Now, I am certainly not interested in changing the topography of the world. But I am interested in changing MY world.

    My world starts with me. Over the next 365 days I will put my Faith in my abilities and talents to be a better and clearer expression of who I am. I will listen to that inner voice that says you are loved and you are beautiful in every way.

    And I will BELIEVE; in Family and Friendship, Hope, Charity and Love, Honesty, Freedom and Music. I Believe in ELVIS and I BELIEVE in ME.

    I believe in you too.

    God Bless

    Juliana

  • Happy New Year

    The commercials have already started this morning…LOSE WEIGHT NOW! SAY GOOD BYE TO THOSE HOLIDAY POUNDS! JOIN TODAY!!!

    Well, I can’t blame it on the holidays. I can’t BLAME it on anyone but myself. As far back as I can remember I have been presented with and  held on to feelings of rejection, unworthiness and isolation. I always felt that I lived on the outside looking in. For every embarrassment and for every ounce of shame, I put a pound of flesh in my pocket.

    Psychologist have written thousands of books on how the obese insulate and protect themselves with their weight. In reality…because we chose to hang on to the hurt and not see the lesson – we build up…not a wall to keep others out, that is a farce. We build ourselves into larger targets! We beg the universe to hit us again and again. Ask…and it shall be given. That is the law. I had no clue I knew how to use it so well and so simply.

    So the lessons kept coming for 48 yrs. In 2010 I experienced what I hope is my last rejection.  My last step backwards with my health. My last failed love affair. My last imposed self isolation.

    I release my “pound of flesh” for every embarrassment I have felt. A pound for each ounce of shame. I release each cell in my body that is not necessary to it’s positive function. I no longer see the need to be a target. I am a Child of God. Spirit within knows what I should look like and my body will adjust to this new consciousness.

    In reality I am all that I chose to be;  an Artist, Actress, Singer, Writer, Explorer, Gambler, Chef, Friend, Daughter, Niece, a shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime.  I am many things to many people. I am that I AM.

    Happy New Year

    And may 2011 be your best year ever. I know it will be mine.

  • Journey of a Thousand Steps

    We have all heard the saying “The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step”…well….not exactly.

    It starts with a thought, an inspiration or idea and is made manifest through pure intent.I began the journey of this painting after I read a quote by E.E. Cummings.

    “Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.”

    As I read this I saw in my minds eye the TREE OF LIFE. And I saw it as a new beginning. I took the inspiration and took it within. I saw the roots building a foundation and saw it nourished by it’s surroundings. The unseen foundation supports the part of the tree that is the outward expression of what the tree is.The branches reach to an infinite sky for wisdom, nourishment and growth.

    When God created the heavens and the earth they were first a THOUGHT, an idea in the perfect God Mind nurtured by pure intent. God brought forth what he was not, to experience what he was. And as the thought took hold the manifestation came to be. We are all creators. We all have the power to create the universe in which we want to live by going within and holding that idea in a prayerful manner. Through our God Mind all things are possible.

  • Work in Progress

    Yes, I am a WORK IN PROGRESS. Much like a painting on canvas…frame, foundation and layers upon layers of color and texture. I am touching upon my talents and desires that will make 2011 my most memorable year yet.

    I am that I AM energy that will create a world of acceptance and love for myself and for those around me.

    With a song in my heart…I carry your heart. I carry it inside my heart. You can carve your name in my TREE OF LIFE any day!

    “There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it”

    Charles Dudley Warner (1829-1900)