Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: meditation

  • Go see GOD!…..

    Meditation Flash Mob…..who knew???  I saw the notice on Facebook and went on a whim after work. I knew it would be hotter than hell and that I would have to  do some walking to get there but I put on my big girl panties, grabbed my pretty pink yoga mat and went to Allen Parkway.

    I found a parking spot about three blocks away. I didn’t realize till I started walking that my little jaunt was all uphill. I huffed and puffed and made my way to the site and was dang glad I brought a bottle of water when I finally got there.

    I thought this would be a good time to try to focus on life and pray for those that are hurting in the world. I also thought I might get a glimpse of what I truly was looking for here in on earth. So I spread out my mat and tried to get comfortable. And I tried….and I tried some more. You see – I know HOW to meditate. I’ve been doing it for years. But I am usually in a chair or laying down at the end of the day. But I was having a tiny, weenie problem today….I couldn’t really cross my legs and sit pretty like everybody else.

    All these vibrant, spiritual types had come to the park with nary a care as to HOW they were going to meditate. They just were going to do it! So, I got as comfortable as I could on the grassy spot I had claimed as my own.  I did just fine for the first 15 minutes….then my feet fell asleep….damn it. So I moved very quietly and found a new position and resumed my mantra. I tried to focus on my upcoming trip this weekend to audition for America’s Biggest Loser and asked for guidance on what I might say to casting agents. Before I came up with any insight and ant had gnawed on my ankle. I popped open my eye’s and in a flash I sent that lil bugger to go see God a bit sooner than nature had probably intended. Namaste.

    I settled back in and gave it one more try…another 15 minutes in and my back was killing me, my butt cheeks were numb and a mosquito had decided to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I threw in the towel. I hoisted myself up and sat on a statue base, took a few pictures as the sun was setting and gathered my things for the walk back to my car. Thank GOD it would all be down hill.

    So it was an interesting experience. I got out. I did something new. I met some new people. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t have an AH HA! moment and then it hit me. I knew how to pray for every one else in the world but I was forgetting to LISTEN.

    Prayer is talking to GOD, MEDITATING is listening for an answer…I had my answer all along from the minute I sat down.

    So when the casting agents ask me WHY I want to be on America’s Biggest Loser… the answer is simple. I wanna be able to cross my legs!

    I love each and every one of you!

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • Amazing Grace…..

    My life…My life has been filled with an immeasurable amount of grace in the past year. I am humbled and I am grateful. God didn’t put eyes in the back of my head for a reason. I accept that my past and the sum total of all my experiences makes me who I am today. But I don’t have to dwell on where I have been to see where I am going. Amazing Grace…how sweet the sound. It saved a soul like me. And so I was able to sing the old hymn for Randy’s Celebration of Life tonight. It was a great party. I’m sure he was proud. We were sure proud to have known him.   

    I love each and every one of you, but tonight…..I sang for Randy. I hope you don’t mind.

       Juliana




  • Becoming Weightless…..

    The closer you get to the end of your life the more concentrated the experience and memories of the past become. Our greatest moments of happiness seem like they just happened yesterday and the deepest wounds lay fresh, open and bleeding.

    So I am finding in the final days with my father. He can’t tell you how old he is or what he had for dinner but continues to boast of his years abroad and the luxuries he allowed himself . Luxuries that left his family neglected emotionally, physically and financially. My mother has stayed for 54 yrs despite our best attempts at encouraging her to leave. Now he takes great pains to make sure we understand she stayed and “He won”.

    I thought all these years she stayed because of the mind game he played. If you love me you won’t complain. If you love me you’ll tolerate my infidelity. I you love me money won’t be an issue. If you love me you’ll keep a home for me to return to. If you love me you’ll take care of me when I am sick and old. If you love me you will sit home and wait…and wait…and wait. I know now that it wasn’t the promises she made to him or for him. She promised GOD she would stay. She would honor the vows she made that day because THAT was who SHE was and who SHE needed to be to break thru to the other side.

    I stood in the cross hairs yesterday, the target of my father’s dissatisfaction. I stood behind his wheelchair as he boasted to strangers how great his life was inspite of having horrible children. He pointed me out specifically and told them “She’s been trouble for 54 years”….I pointed out I was only 48…He said it didn’t matter I was trouble before I got here. He went on with his rant telling those that would listen that we tried to take away his wife… But she was still here. Like a TV evangelist he claimed his victory. He was the winner…and I was the loser. He was better than me and he could prove it. “NOBODY WANTED TO MARRY YOU”, he said.

    I’d hand enough and wheeled him back inside and left him in the care of my mother and nurses. After two days of treatment he was able to go back home one more time, terminal, but not yet ready to leave this world.

    I took them home, Denver and Wanda, and left for the solace of my own home immediately. I was still shocked and hurt by the venomous rant and tent revival testimony he shared with people in a hot parking lot. I pulled my car to the shoulder and reached out to the one person I still crave comfort from but it was not there. Only the Statement. “It’s not about you“.

    Wanda had a love once and promised God she would stay. I had a love once and promised God I would pray.

    The script was similar.

    If you love me you’ll stay faithful and allow me to stray.

    If you love me you’ll do all things my way.

    You’ll hide in the shadows where no one will see, you’ll allow me to be who I want to be.

    You’ll understand my needs and know they come first

    You’ll tolerate the shame and all of the hurts

    You’ll give up your friends and come when I call.

    You’ll take what I give you, if you love me at all.

    I didn’t live by the rules and she threw me away.

    Yet it was still her comfort that I craved today.

    One promised to stay; One promised to pray.

    We’ve each learned our lessons, different hours, different days

    We strive to become weightless

    In our own time, in our own way.

    You are correct, It’s not about me. It’s not about fathers and daughters, or mothers and lovers. It’s not about the have’s and have not’s you get in life. It’s about setting down that bag of rocks and leaving behind the burden. To honor the GOD within and lay down the prayer on a path in front of you of peace, guidance and perfect understanding in all things.

    It’s about becoming weightless.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • LOVE doesn’t know the difference…..

    My note from the UNIVERSE arrived this morning by email as it does every morning. Isn’t it just great the things you can sign up for on the internet, coupons, airline notices and NOTES from the UNIVERSE? It said,  ” Some, Juliana, are better loved from afar. For a while, anyway and that’s okay. Besides, Juliana, LOVE doesn’t really know the difference“.

    I realized this afternoon that I had shared that same sentiment three times through the course of my day.

    8:45am. I pulled over my little zoom-zoom car and rolled down my window and stopped to chat with a friend on my way to work. She in turn took the time to share with me that she has had to make the painful decision to severe her relationship with her grown son. His addiction, poor choices and the general chaos that surrounds him are too much to handle and in fact threaten her livelihood and her ability to care for herself. It just seemed she needed to hear she had done the right thing.  I shared with her my note from the Universe, “Some are better loved from afar”.

    It is a common misconception that if you “Love” someone you will do anything for them. Co-dependent people and addicts know the saying very well and brandish it about like a sharp edged sword to get your attention. Psssst…It’s called MANIPULATION…. Just saying.

    There are times when the most loving thing you can do however is NOTHING…but love from afar. That means you don’t pay for their cell phone. You don’t give them a car so they can get to the job they never seem to have. You can’t pay their rent or do their laundry.  Realize, that if their choices continue to lead them down a self-destructive path ,then that is the path they have chosen. Love them enough to let them learn the life lessons they have mapped out for themselves. There is a reason for it.

    12:30pm and I chat with one of my best girlfriends who has been doing the commitment dance with her favorite man “Blue eyes” for years now. He has broken her heart more times than I can count. But only because she keeps serving it up on a decorative platter complete with garnish, country gravy and a sharp steak knife. There is NO commitment, NO regular progression in the relationship, NO foundation so it ends….again. But he always comes around every 3 or 4 months with a wink and a smile and she is always waiting. She claims she loves him….but it is killing her and trapping her in a time warp worse than any Twilight Zone rerun. My advise has always been, “Listen and he will tell you the truth.”  She whines like a broken record . He says he is BROKEN and can’t give himself to a relationship” Well, baby girl, wake up and smell the tar bubbling on the rooftop….eeewww that is a nasty smell. And  THAT is his TRUTH.  He clings to it like a security blanket and you can’t rip it away from him. He doesn’t want a relationship – he lives to sit in his sandbox and play by himself.

    Why is it, we think, if we just love someone more, love that person harder, devote our time and attention and sacrifice more than any other person before us that they will just wake up one day and have this grand epiphany and decide “HEY, I COULD OF HAD A V8 AND  A GIRLFRIEND!” . Love doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I’ve tried. Take the ROMANCE NOVEL out of the equation and LOVE that person unconditionally and you will release them to walk the path they have chosen and in turn release yourself to find the partner that fits your needs.  Some people, my chicka, are better LOVED  from afar.

    2:37pm I sat  in the front showroom at work to watch the much welcomed rain on my break. The office is quiet. A group had just left to go see our co-worker & friend, Randy ,who lays in a coma at home, family by his side. He is in the end stages of cancer and  passing from this earth. It won’t be long Doctor’s say. 2 days or 10, no telling. Darryl, his long time friend, stood at the reception counter staring into the front parking lot.   “I couldn’t go”.  He said….”I can’t see him like this…it’s not how I want to remember him.”

    For the third time today I shared my morning message from the Universe. “It’s okay…. LOVE doesn’t know the difference” It doesn’t know the distance…..how near or how far. It doesn’t keep time or come in measured allotments. LOVE simply IS.  Randy will know in his spirit that Darryl loved him whether he stands beside his bed and holds his hand or beside images of Randy’s best work rotating on a slide show on the wall mounted flat screen.

    LOVE is something you give, freely and without conditions. It doesn’t require shipping and handling, a box or a bow. You don’t have to sign for it or send it certified mail. Sometimes it comes back  “Return to Sender” and other times it’s like an underwear chain letter and you get more pairs back in the mail in more sizes and colors than you could ever imagine.

    Sometimes a post card find you years after it was mailed. The NO became a YES and you realize that you were LOVED from afar.

    In the infamous good words of LAW ,

    ” I don’t love you cause I need you.  I need you, because I love you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Because you loved me…..

    The best Sunday church is any Sunday with close friends. If we can have that “church” on the lake or at the beach – well, that’s just heaven on earth. Now according to Websters Dictionary “Church” is nothing more than  A building used for public Christian worship

    So, I guess I’m not talking about “traditional” church. That’s fine for some folks. I’m not knocking it. They need the routine of putting on their Sunday best, minding the clock and arriving at the proper place at the proper time. They stay the allocated time and then after dotting the “I’s” and Crossing the “T’s” they can face the coming week having been fed their spiritual message for the week.

    But I find that I am closer to the Source when I am outside and with people who make me think and remind me “who I am and where I am from”. I am child of God and I am part of the Source.

    Like Celine Dion sings “I’m everything I am because you loved me”. That could not be more true. I would not be the person I am or be where I am today without the love of all those who have walked in and thru my life. THEY are my CHURCH. My lesson this month has been on FORGIVENESS.

    David was my “country preacher” when he reminded me that “Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It’s like setting down a bag of rocks” Set it down and walk away. Life is something that is in front of you. Lighten your load and walk on.

    Suzi my “New Age” Spiritualist said. Forgiveness is something you give and give THANKS for. Release the person and/or the situation by saying;  “I thank you FOR-GIVING me the life lessons that changed and molded my life.”

    Forgiveness is still a hard lesson and we are often reluctant to let go of our “Hurt” after all, it’s ours, we own it and in some instances we have hung our hat on it for years. You have met these people and in some instances you ARE that person. “I can’t commit because I was abandoned, I can’t trust because I was deceived. I gave my heart, it wasn’t cherished. That is not living, it is existing behind a shield that was self manufactured. The shield doesn’t protect you from the things on the outside. It stands between you and the person you are on the inside. Use that shiny shield you spend so much time maintaining as a mirror. Look in the mirror and see what I see. You are not broken, you are not stained. You are a perfect child of God.

    It was my life long teacher Swanette who told me “Forgiveness is as complicated as love.  It all comes in its own time.”

    For me, there is no time like the present. I forgive myself for toting that bag of rocks all these years. I forgive myself for spending time tending my shield when I could have been smelling the roses. I am thankful to everyone for-giving me the life lessons I needed to be the person I am today.

    I sing it loud, I sing it proud. It is my song today. I’m everything I am because you loved me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Knock…Knock…..

    Whose there….

    Me….

    Me who???

    I’m not sure. I was hoping you could tell me….

    Tell you what?

    Who I am….

    Are you lost??

    I don’t think so…

    So why did you knock on my door?

    I’m not sure…It seemed like the right thing to do…

    Do you need something? Are you hurt or hungry?

    No. I’m think I’m just waiting….

    Waiting?  Waiting for what?

    Not sure…I think I’ll know it when I see it.

    Should I call the Police?

    Why? Are you afraid?

    NO! Well, yes…maybe a little. I mean you’re here and I don’t know where you’re from or who you are, what you want or who even sent you….

    Sometimes we over analyze and are so busy questioning our lives that we miss the guidance that comes our way. We are frozen by the lack of FAITH and live behind the door safely shut away from the world.  When OPPORTUNITY knocks….it rarely has time to explain how it got there. Be a good neighbor and open the door.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Calling all Angels…..

    The night is silent in this house except for the hum of a fan in the corner. I sit and stare at a blue eye like my own and wonder if it sees the shooting star coming it’s way. I don’t always see them coming but I sense their presence in my life, glimmering swift messengers I tack my wishes to.

    My wishes are prayers I send out to the Heavens each night. I wish you peace in all things. I wish you guidance when you’re unsure of your next step. I wish you perfect understanding in all life’s challenges. I wish you happiness and most of all, I wish you love.

    Sleep as if held in the arms of angels and know that you are loved 100 times more than you can ever imagine. Thank you, my angels, for always being there when I call.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Back in School…..

    Aghhhh the Lessons…..life is full of them. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes you have to repeat them over and over. First, you claim you just had a teacher that sucked and you just know you could have aced it if you just had a decent teacher. They were gunning for you from day one!

    The fact of the matter is LIFE IS A LESSON…and if you don’t GET IT the first time it will present itself over and over and over until YOU do get it!.

    Sometimes, distance gives us clarity and it is easy to see another person’s  life lesson because they are running parallel to our own experience. Compassion leads us to stick our nose in and offer our opinion. To raise the flag and say “Danger, danger Will Robinson!” Don’t feel like a failure if they don’t heed the warnings.

    In attempting to steer them away from the heart break or crisis you know is coming you are actually interfering with THEIR LIFE LESSON. Sometimes the lesson IS the heart break , the disappointment or defeat. Their lesson IS the crisis AND the recovery. If you interfere today, then you just delay their lesson till tomorrow.

    Show TRUE compassion, show the unconditional love of the Christ Consciousness. Allow people you care about to live out the lessons they have called into their own lives whether is be addiction, co-dependency or just plan fear to stand on their own two feet.  Support them with positive thoughts and prayer that they receive peace, love and perfect understanding from the Universe. THAT is Help. THAT is Compassion. THAT IS LOVE, BABY.

    Be happy that you worked thru YOUR life lesson and have moved on to the next. Allow them to do the same.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Shifting sands……

    The shifting sands of life can sometimes seem to spread out in every direction and appear so vast an expanse of nothing-ness that you lose your bearings. Sand spills into every opening in your shoes making every step you take that much more difficult and uncomfortable. The hot winds have left you so parched you couldn’t call out a name if you tried. Progress seems impossible. Survival both emotional, mental and physical is challenged to the breaking point.

    Stop – Look – Listen. That is not a freight train coming at you….it is an OASIS.

    There you will find water to quench your thirst, shelter from the hot pounding rays of the sun and food to feed your soul.

    Life is hardest when we put up the fight to cross the desert all in one trip. Take your time.

    The prize is not in the far away distance…. the prize is already in your hand. Relax your grip and open your hand wide. Make room for the hand of inner voice to guide you to safety.

    All that you have been and all that you have done has been a journey worth taking. There is more to come…..once you have rested.

     

    I love each and every one of you. Today I say to someone I love – Love yourself just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • Circle of Life…..

    How many times have you said  ” Another time, another place and this would have worked perfectly” or “just not in the stars right now”. It seems to have been ‘MISSED” Synchronicity.
    Synchronicity is the coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and that is meaningful to the observer. ( Carl Jung)
    I recently read about “missed” synchronicity and how there really is no such thing.
    “You live in a circle,  If what came around when the timing was not appropriate was missed, it will come around again.  That is an honor in the NOW, is it not?  When you are in the NOW, you understand the circular way life works.  You will also understand that it is Spirit Who brings what you think you missed. ”  KRYON
    That was a chunk to chew on….. but I think I get it.
    Imagine a carousel and like most carousels it has a brass ring. The ring “synchronicity” is the constant. It does not waver or go away. The moving factor is YOU.How many times will you pass the ring before you NOTICE it? How long, once you become aware of the ring, will it take for you to realize you can reach out an take hold of it? How many times will you make adjustments in your position to grasp it successfully?
    Great things happen to great people and the beauty is we are all great.  Haven’t you reached a goal before and when you reflected  upon the series of seemingly unrelated events that led you to that great moment it just seemed magical. Did you feel like all the stars just lined up perfectly for you in that instance. I’ve experienced it.
    Spirit presents multiple brass rings in life. Some we see, some we grab and some pass us by unnoticed. The possibilities never waver, they are always there.
    Life is a ride….grab the ring baby! If you don’t see it right now. Just keep your eyes open. BE AWARE.  It will come your way again.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana