Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: inspirational

  • Baggage…Luis Vuitton or Samsonite

    Baggage: suitcases, bags, and other items are for carrying personal belongings during a journey. Well, that sums it up nicely doesn’t it?

    We have been taught to expect, especially if you are middle-aged like me, that almost all people will have accumulated “BAGGAGE” along their journey in life.We spend years lugging these bags around with us from place to place and relationship to relationship.We rarely look inside cause we know what is in there. It’s all the negative experiences in our lives…no not actually the experiences…it’s filled with all our REACTIONS to the negative experiences we have endured on our journey.

    We clutch these bags as if they are filled with precious trophys and commendations. If someone really wants to get to know us we say they have to take us AND our baggage.We use these bags as an excuse  and point at them as an example outside ourselves for why we can’t trust others easily, why we fear success, intimacy or commitment.  Why would you want to bring something so negative from yesterday into your life TODAY?

    My baggage is filled with injustices. But the biggest bag I personally carry is fear. All the insecurity, rejection, broken hearts and violated trust all boil down to one bag that weighs me down and incurs additional fees everywhere I travel.

    I don’t like this bag or all the rest that completes the set. Yes, I have them all, the makeup bag, the overnight bag, the Weekender and then BIG DADDY.  I am so tired of moving them from one place to another.

    So what to do? The simplest way mentally seems the hardest. But it can be done. Walk away.

    Unattended baggage has a home – and it’s not with you.

    Once you can understand that all the things you have been holding onto and shoving in those bags were just excuses to keep you from living the free-flowing life you were meant to lead, You will see there is an easier way to travel. Don’t let excuses shield you from opportunity and advancement in  life. You are free to live a life filled with love,trust and untold joys.THAT is your destiny. Travel light. Only take with you what you need for today. Leave the past behind you and capture each new day as an opportunity to live in a new energy. If you don’t like your life…only you can change it.

    You can be left behind struggling with your bags, worn out, exasperated and sore or you can travel light and see the world. Today I choose the world!

  • Whose sailing this ship?

    Life is about choices. And the choices you make are what create the world you live in. That’s right. It’s all on you. So if you’re not happy with the way your life is going. Change it.

    If you step back and listen, it is amazing how many people will tell you they are unhappy because of the other people around them. Most of them are not even aware that they lay the responsibility at everyone else’s feet.

    “My job sucks! My Boss demands too much and appreciates little if anything. I can NEVER do enough for that company.”

    “Where is my best friend when I need her, I do so much more for her”

    “My partner needs to step up, If I don’t do everything, nothing gets done “.

    Everywhere they look – they see “LACK”.

    I can hear it ringing in my ears; Quitters never win!….If it’s what you want you’ll have to work for it….  Butch up NANCY! And then it comes out…If THEY would just see what I do, If THEY would just appreciate who I am , If THEY just loved me more.

    But Hang on! It’s not about THEM. Being unhappy or unfulfilled is on me. It is my choice.

    I am all about working smarter these days. And SMARTER means sailing your own ship. Take responsibility for where you are and who gets to ride on your boat. And if they aren’t sea worthy then they need to stay on shore. Set your own course and let life fill your sails. Make the choice to let go and let GOD. Let that inner voice guide you to new heights, a new job, friend or partner. It may mean letting go of people you really care about and thought would always be beside you but part of your mutual lesson in life will be about moving on. It doesn’t  mean you don’t love them, it just means their way of living doesn’t work for you. And that’s O.K. because it is their choice as well.

    Change is scary. And sometimes you would rather hang on to half of what you want than let go and have nothing. But you can’t move forward with a new plan till you let go of the old energy. You can’t feel the spray of the ocean if you never leave the dock. Toss the lines and set sail. Heaven is a state of mind and it is your choice to welcome it with open arms.

  • Never to late.

    What does your wall look like? You know what I am talking about….your WALL. Most everyone has one. I’m not talking about a little monkey grass border up your sidewalk…or a white picket fence. In fact, picket fences can be rather decorative and practical. It says everything in a polite way –  “STAY OFF THE GRASS” and keep your dog out of my yard please.  Here in the South good fences make for good neighbors. What I’m asking you about is YOUR WALL.

    I’ll go first. My wall is tall…but not TOO tall. I can’t reach the top, it’s a few feet out of my reach. You would think it would stretch left to right as far as the eye could see, but no, mine is really no more than five or six feet from center in each direction. The thing is when I’m standing in the center of it, hands pressed into it and holding fast, I can’t see over or around it. So I guess it is doing it’s job. There are cracks in the wall though that let sun light in and if I press my eye up to them I can just see the other side to gaze upon all that I am missing.

    Sometimes people scale the wall or tunnel under to come see me. They do all the things to show me I am worth the effort which is what I expect. After all…I built the wall to keep them out or at least make it a challenge to find me.Oh I am SO glad to see them but by and by ….I turn my attention back to my wall. Cause I have to hold it up you see. I can’t embrace you with both arms cause I gotta keep at least one hand on the wall. Sometimes when my arms are tired I just put my back up against it. And when I turn around I find the people have all gone. It’s just me and my wall.

    What happens if I let go? What happens if I back away? What happens if I don’t tend the wall? Do I have to break through it to get the other side? I’ve heard that from others ” you have to just break through”…but do I? That phrase is just steeped in impending pain and suffering. Dear God, Help me see this differently.

    I take a deep breath. I take my hands slowly from the wall. NOTHING CHANGES. I back up three steps and look at this barrier I have created for myself. WALL IS STILL THERE. NOTHING CHANGES.

    I take another deep breath and let it out. I look at this obstacle I have created over the last 48 years and then it dawns on me. WALK AROUND IT!!! I put one foot in front of the other and walk around the wall to the other side. No pain. No stress. I just walk and I keep walking. The air is fresher, the sun is brighter, my step is lighter. I am free of the wall. THAT is the break thru.

    It’s never too late to look at your life differently. It’s never too late to ask for guidance. It’s never too late to love or be loved. The perfect time is NOW.

    Happy Re-birthday to everyone!

  • Believe

    I started this diary last year on my 47th birthday. Tomorrow marks the passing cycle of another 365 days.

    And what have I learned in this time?

    I’ve learned that when you dwell in fear you will lose what you were AFRAID of losing. The things that you were afraid might happen, happen. And the opportunities you were afraid would never come your way, never do.

    The flip side of the coin? When you have Faith, when you BELIEVE beyond a shadow of a doubt – you can move mountains.

    Now, I am certainly not interested in changing the topography of the world. But I am interested in changing MY world.

    My world starts with me. Over the next 365 days I will put my Faith in my abilities and talents to be a better and clearer expression of who I am. I will listen to that inner voice that says you are loved and you are beautiful in every way.

    And I will BELIEVE; in Family and Friendship, Hope, Charity and Love, Honesty, Freedom and Music. I Believe in ELVIS and I BELIEVE in ME.

    I believe in you too.

    God Bless

    Juliana

  • Happy New Year

    The commercials have already started this morning…LOSE WEIGHT NOW! SAY GOOD BYE TO THOSE HOLIDAY POUNDS! JOIN TODAY!!!

    Well, I can’t blame it on the holidays. I can’t BLAME it on anyone but myself. As far back as I can remember I have been presented with and  held on to feelings of rejection, unworthiness and isolation. I always felt that I lived on the outside looking in. For every embarrassment and for every ounce of shame, I put a pound of flesh in my pocket.

    Psychologist have written thousands of books on how the obese insulate and protect themselves with their weight. In reality…because we chose to hang on to the hurt and not see the lesson – we build up…not a wall to keep others out, that is a farce. We build ourselves into larger targets! We beg the universe to hit us again and again. Ask…and it shall be given. That is the law. I had no clue I knew how to use it so well and so simply.

    So the lessons kept coming for 48 yrs. In 2010 I experienced what I hope is my last rejection.  My last step backwards with my health. My last failed love affair. My last imposed self isolation.

    I release my “pound of flesh” for every embarrassment I have felt. A pound for each ounce of shame. I release each cell in my body that is not necessary to it’s positive function. I no longer see the need to be a target. I am a Child of God. Spirit within knows what I should look like and my body will adjust to this new consciousness.

    In reality I am all that I chose to be;  an Artist, Actress, Singer, Writer, Explorer, Gambler, Chef, Friend, Daughter, Niece, a shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime.  I am many things to many people. I am that I AM.

    Happy New Year

    And may 2011 be your best year ever. I know it will be mine.

  • Ask, and it shall be given you.

    Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

    A simple lesson I had heard since childhood but have found so hard to incorporate into my daily lifestyle.After all, I am a product of the 80’s and shown a world of hard work and competition. How on earth could it be so simple?

    A wonderful woman by the name of “Nanny” showed me how easily this simple principal can work. Life was moving on and we had been out of touch for a while. She reached out to me one day via Facebook and sent a beautiful note of well wishes and a final comment that she had noticed a picture of me in a gorgeous black beaded dress in one of my photo albums and if I ever had a thought to get rid of that dress she would gladly take it of my hands.

    The dress had been hanging in my closet for several years and I realized what joy it would give her to have that dress.

    I slid it from it’s hanger, folded and wrapped it carefully and slid it into box and sent it to her overnight with a note to “Enjoy”.

    She was as giddy as a school girl with a new prom dress. She vowed to find a date for New Year’s Eve this year and wear the dress. She commented to me as matter of fact as can be…”Well, GOD said Ask, and it shall be given”…

    Plainly and simply she applied the law. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for I am sure she has asked for a dapper gentleman caller to ring in the new year. Some say it is better to give than to receive…I say it is a balance. One cannot exist without the other.

    Keep the energy flowing….give graciously….receive graciously. My cup runneth over.

    Happy New Year Nanny

  • Work in Progress

    Yes, I am a WORK IN PROGRESS. Much like a painting on canvas…frame, foundation and layers upon layers of color and texture. I am touching upon my talents and desires that will make 2011 my most memorable year yet.

    I am that I AM energy that will create a world of acceptance and love for myself and for those around me.

    With a song in my heart…I carry your heart. I carry it inside my heart. You can carve your name in my TREE OF LIFE any day!

    “There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it”

    Charles Dudley Warner (1829-1900)