Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Health

  • The Voices in my head…..

    Are the voices in my head talking to the voices in your head? I don’t think so unless we are on the same medication and sharing a toothbrush but …sometimes it feels that way. What’s actually happening is the Universe is validating what you already know. There is not a problem, phobia or fear that we can’t solve or overcome because the answers are already within us. It’s been easier to believe in the boundaries, restrictions and labels others have placed on us because we, for some reason, accept their opinion as our TRUTH. Man, The power we give away to others is ENORMOUS! And we spend hours and hours, sometimes years trying to undo the damage of one statement or incident absorbed into our psyche at a time when we were impressionable or vulnerable.

    Well, wake up and smell the iced vanilla mocha latte. The voices in your head are all you, the calming voice, the judging voice, the loving voice or the voice screaming in anger. They are all you. It’s up to you to bring order to the group and have them speak with one voice.

    My voice tells me I am a beautiful girl today. I am strong. I am healthy. I am talented and unafraid to speak my mind. I know who I am and I know what I want. I live in the NOW. I make each moment count from the mundane to the most exciting. They are all MY moments, my experience. They make me who I am. All the perceptions of what may have been good, bad or just plan awful in my past are really all just different stepping stones along a path that has brought me to where I am today. If you are okay with who you are today then ROCK ON!!!  and continue. If not – then you have today as a wake-up call to change it.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Recipe for beauty…

    Have you ever noticed that the shape of a woman is described as something you can eat?

    Funny isn’t it! Pear shaped women with small shoulders and big round bottoms, apple shaped women who are just round all the way around, and the latest “Muffin Top”. Now the skinny girls get names like Twiggy and Sticks. Not very appetizing.  And the prettiest figures with the best curves are called  Hour Glass.

    Now – just in a random survey if someone offered me a pear, an apple, a muffin, a stick or an hourglass which one would I pick? Well, I don’t need a stick. I don’t have a dog or a broken window to prop open. Hourglasses are a nice novelty on the shelf and pretty to look at but not very pratical. You always have to go turn it upside down to get it to work and then it only works for a little while. So I would probably go with the pear! Or if I got to choose more than one I would make a pear and apple salad with a muffin on the side. 🙂

    Let’s just face it. Women are delicious!

    And just a side note to the bitch who didn’t tend her garden and keep her bits and pieces in good working order all those years ago. The women of today don’t appreciate being called “FISH”. It implies that we either smell like yesterdays catch of the day or something men have the option of ordering on a dinner plate of Friday and well, hell….I’m not CATHOLIC!

    Take care of your yard work ladies. Mow the lawns and trim the bushes. If you can’t see or reach all your…..topiaries…… then hire a gardener!  An ill kept garden attracts fruit flies. Buzzing, annoying, flighty lil’ fruit flies!

    You picking up what I’m putting down, Girls? Good!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Toes in the sand…..

    All work and no play makes for a very boring girl. But sometimes balance is hard to find. Sometimes you have to actually SCHEDULE the fun. When you quit letting life happen TO you and stop just reacting  to the things that come your way you can get a true sense of why you are here.

    Sure, there are lessons that we have to trudge thru but there can be happy lessons along the way as well. Change your perception and you can change the world. And if you didn’t realize it yet. The world starts with YOU. The happier you are, the happier the people around you are. There is an old saying that I just love. “If Mamma ain’t happy, NOBODY is happy”. And I think that is true whether you are a mom or not. It just means that how you feel and react to the world impacts the people around you. Certainly makes sense to me.

    So let me ask you, what kind of impact have you had today? Did you smile at your co-workers? Did you say thank you to the check out clerk? Did you greet your neighbor at the pool with a healthy hello? Did you tell someone they just frick’in matter? It’s the littlest gestures that can mean the most.

    We were meant to be happy, healthy humans. We are here to experience all the wonders of the world. We are a blessing to all those we encounter. The Kingdom of Heaven is all around you if you will just take the time to see it. If you are out of wack, get on track. Take the time to dig your toes in the sand. Your feet will thank you. And so will all the people who love you and hold you dear. Cause let’s face it – HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS.

    That is my Sunday lesson.    🙂

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • OMG….. FLAT ABS!

    I have FINALLY found the latest, most effective way to get in shape. It is THE ultimate work out!!!  A girlfriend was kind enough to share this secret with me. Talk about motivational! OHHHH I just couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. I think we are REALLY on to something that could change the face of workouts everywhere. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how out of shape. There is nothing to buy or sign up for. No special diet. No books to read or DVD’s to sweat to. You don’t even have to leave your house! Any woman with a pulse can do this! Are you ready???  It’s called Coregasm! Yep! COREGASM. Apparently – I say apparently cause I haven’t run home to try it yet – APPARENTLY, it is an orgasm some women can have when performing certain ab exercises. Experts say (wait….BIG O Experts?? Really??? Who knew!!) Well, EXPERTS say that this wacky core induced climax could be due to a number of factors:

    1.)The tightening of pelvic muscles

    2.) The build up of tension 

     3.) Nerve impulse

    At this point in my life I don’t really care if it’s caused by underpaid workers in a sweat shop in Malasia, I think it is wortha try.  It’s doesn’t matter HOW it works, only that it does!

    Oh….and if I lose a few inches of my waist…well that’s just gravy…so to speak.

  • Ice made from scratch…..

    It’s been a very busy week and it has shown no signs of slowing down but a notice came across my email and Facebook this afternoon that stopped me in my tracks. Greg, a wonderful man who sang with us at BCPA, entered the hospital last night and while we were all busy with our chaotic lives of multi-tasking and meeting deadlines, he simply and quietly …..slipped away. Another voice has been added to the celestial choir.

    It’s amazing that it can happen so fast. But it can. Lives change in  the blink of an eye.

    It is a reminder to me to keep my focus in front of me and to live in the moment. It tells me to stop looking behind me and trying to tug the past and the people in it along with me. To let it go and travel light. Those that want to walk beside me will. Those that don’t, choose a different path because they need to. It’s not personal. Goals are as individual as DNA. I have before me a great life of my choosing. I create new aspects everyday. There is joy to be had and love to be shared. I don’t have to wait to be thinner or richer or healthier to have a good day.

    We are often guilty of letting situations and other people’s circumstances steer us down a road that may not be the one we need to be on. That’s why God created exit ramps! Pull over on the shoulder and check your map. If you don’t have a map – keep driving forward till you see a BUC-EE’S

    They have maps, snacks and ice made from scratch! Life is truly for the living. Make sure you are living it. Greg did.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Red Rover, Red Rover…..

    Red Rover, Red Rover my friends coming over…for a three day WEEKEND!!!

    Yes, I can be excited…excited I cleaned tonight for one! Look at Punkin sitting and watching TV at the end of the couch…on the floor. He’s not quite sure where to sit with everything so fresh and organized.

    Matter of fact, I’m not quite sure where I can sit either. I don’t want to mess anything up.

    Not that my friends would care one way or the other. That is the beauty of true friends. They don’t really care if there are crumbs in the corner as long as a big fat rat isn’t dining on them!

    Friends are the people who feed your soul. They are there when you need them with an encouraging word and some times an ass chewing. Cause let’s face it, we all need both every now and then. Friendships aren’t always easy. They have ups and downs just like all relationships. But we tend to work harder on friendships. They are the rock when everything else turns sour.

    They pick up the pieces when we are broken. Hopes are dashed and dreams are shattered and there they are with a broom and dust pan sweeping up the pieces and slowly they pour them back into our hand and say with a casual tone. “Drop Something?”…..”Want me to get the glue or you gonna throw that away?”

    They are our partners in crime. Road Trip Co-Pilots. Wing-man. Fashion Consultant. House Fairy. Cheerleader. Confessor and Confidant. I’m excited I have been blessed with so many people I can call “friend”.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I’m not FAT ….I’m Fluffy!

    It sounds good in theory anyway. Being fluffy instead of fat. That’s what a friend’s son told me once a few years back. That I was Fluffy – not FAT.

    You see, kids don’t really have filters at 7, or 8, or 9….to him FAT was a negative thought and once he spent a few hours with me we were the best of pals and I couldn’t peel him off me. He was glued to my side.

    His mother politely told him to GET OFF me. He replied that he couldn’t. “She is so soft and fluffy”, he exclaimed with a smile and nuzzled his face into my side.

    Yep – that’s me. I’m broken in like an old Lazy Boy recliner. Soft and comfy in all the right places. I know I’m overweight. No nine-year old needs to tell me that. But somehow I have been able to win them over with my charm, wit and homemade peach cobbler.

    I never had kids. When I was younger I believed that threat my mother yelled out at me when I misbehaved. “Someday you’ll have  kids and they’re gonna be JUST LIKE YOU. YOU JUST WAIT LITTLE LADY!”. I always thought – HELL NO I’M NOT! And I have lived by my proclamation.

    So, I am Auntie, Aunt Huli, Tia. To Nieces and Nephews by blood and by choice. I am the coolest Aunt around. I answer calls at midnight from stranded college students. I hear about first kisses and broken hearts. I have done my fair share of homework , science projects and parties at Chucky Cheese. I’ve sat thru school and church concerts, plays and sports games at 8:00 am in the cold rainy morning.  I’ve dug thru mounds of dirty clothes in search of THE shirt that MUST be worn NOW! I’ve over bought and over indulged. I’ve bent the house rules, stayed up too late and let them sleep to long? YEP – I am Aunt Huli, Auntie, the fluffiest Tia in Town. I don’t mind it at all.

    I made an impression – and so did they. There is a new one on the way this fall. I can’t wait to meet her…or him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Signing off – Your fluffiness – Juliana

  • CANKLES!

    Remember back in the late 70’s when they used to show a commercial with a skillet on a stove with eggs frying in it and the sound bite was ‘THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS!” Sooo scary!

    Fast forward thirty years and you see a malformed CANKLE resting on a couch. “This is your foot after a 12 hour day running all over Christ’s creation to get a show up and running”.

    It looks much worse than it is – really…and it’s only one. The other is just fine…odd. I know. Just seems ironic that these days I pop 13 pills every morning to be healthy and instead of frying my brain I have swollen ankles. Where is the sense in that?

    So what is a CANKLE – the Slang dictionary describes it as:

    A fat ankle – one that is as thick as the person’s calf, such that there’s no visible anatomical difference in the two. From “calf” + “ankle.” Usually used in the plural.

    I’m special…I only have one cankle tonight. And it doesn’t always look like this. Normally, I have ankles. So I am just gonna sit back and relax and put my cankle up. WAY UP! and see if it can’t find a way to return to normal all on it’s own. Hopefully I won’t wake up with a knalf or worse a vagiknee.

    Tomorrow is another day…And I wouldn’t miss it!

    I love each and every one of you and your cankles!

    Juliana

     

     

  • THINK BEFORE YOU EXPOSE……

    I hate to admit it but I might just be an advocate of reinstating the 1922 Bathing Beach Police. Maybe not with the same rules but there definitely are some offenders out there that need a citation or two and some should be put in the back of a paddy wagon and just hauled straight off to jail.

    It’s no BIG secret that I am a BIG gal. And though I love summer, the pool and hanging out at Surfside’s Pirate’s Alley with my girls, the thought of putting on an actual swim suit makes me more nervous that a virgin on prom night.

    I have a “social conscience” which is extremely lacking in some folks. I THINK before I EXPOSE. I have never fully recovered from seeing a grandpa in a Speedo back in the 80’s at Splash Day in South Padre. Had it not been for my youthful state and the copious amount of liquor I consumed I think I might have stroked out right there.

    So, it is with much forethought and trepidation that I select this years Fashionista Fatwear. I am selecting a two-piece. Okay – pick you ef’ing jaw up off the floor. Not THAT kinda two piece. I’m going for the drawstring swim shorts….in black of course and mixing and matching that with brightly colored  swim tops. I’m okay with that! All my bits and pieces will be sufficiently covered. My delicate white fluffiness will be served up to the sun for an extra dose of newly formed freckles and fun. I already have my floatie toy for the pool. My 55 Factor sunscreen, a great To-Go cup and a beach towel. Happiness!!!

    So you see. It doesn’t have to be THAT painful…for you…or the masses who may see you coming down the beach.

    Just remember; THINK before you EXPOSE! God, I wish I had gotten a hold of this woman before spring. It’s just WRONG I tell ya. Women can be attractive at any size – but NOT when you make really, really, reallllly bad choices. I’m hoping the sales person who sold her that piece of patchwork got a sales commission to match the size of the suit. NEXT TO NOTHING! ANYWAY!!!

    I love each and every one of you.

    If you have been emotionally scarred by this post then I suggest you leave work early and go have a cocktail poolside to recover.

    Juliana!!!!

  • I believe I can fly…..

    There comes a time in life when all the coaching, advice and best wishes of friends, family and mentors can’t help you anymore. You have done the work and climbed the mountain. At some point you have to make that leap of faith and believe that all the training will serve you well. You gotta spread your wings and fly. Just jump for Christ’s sake. BE THE BIRD!

    You gotta love the animal spirits in the world. Turtles that crawl up from the sandy beaches and instinctively head into the surf. No swimming lessons for them – they just dive headlong into the water! No floaties, no nose clips, they head straight for the deep end.  Birds are pretty cool too. One day they just decide to jump! And there you have it! Sometimes momma gives them a nudge cause she is damn sick and tired of regurgitating worms up 10 times a day to feed them. After weeks of benging and purging I bet “empty nest” syndrome never crosses her mind! Animals haven’t locked in on this code of fear like humans have. Instead they have an incredible and inherent sense of BELIEF.

    As I have gotten older I have gotten to a point where I can honestly say. I BELIEVE. I believe in me. Cause if I don’t, who will? Others can believe in you all day long but they can’t fly for you. They can tell you how to do it and where and when….but that is about it.

    Nope. If you wanna soar, you gotta jump out of the nest on all your own. Everyone else is just a cheerleader on the sideline…and I personally LOVE cheerleaders…unless they are too skinny. I hate looking at anything I could bust like a twig. I’M JUST SAYING!

    I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Hide and watch. There’s gonna be some great things coming our way!

    I love each and every one of you. Even if you think your excluded, your not.

    Juliana