I hate to admit it but I might just be an advocate of reinstating the 1922 Bathing Beach Police. Maybe not with the same rules but there definitely are some offenders out there that need a citation or two and some should be put in the back of a paddy wagon and just hauled straight off to jail.
It’s no BIG secret that I am a BIG gal. And though I love summer, the pool and hanging out at Surfside’s Pirate’s Alley with my girls, the thought of putting on an actual swim suit makes me more nervous that a virgin on prom night.
I have a “social conscience” which is extremely lacking in some folks. I THINK before I EXPOSE. I have never fully recovered from seeing a grandpa in a Speedo back in the 80’s at Splash Day in South Padre. Had it not been for my youthful state and the copious amount of liquor I consumed I think I might have stroked out right there.
So, it is with much forethought and trepidation that I select this years Fashionista Fatwear. I am selecting a two-piece. Okay – pick you ef’ing jaw up off the floor. Not THAT kinda two piece. I’m going for the drawstring swim shorts….in black of course and mixing and matching that with brightly colored swim tops. I’m okay with that! All my bits and pieces will be sufficiently covered. My delicate white fluffiness will be served up to the sun for an extra dose of newly formed freckles and fun. I already have my floatie toy for the pool. My 55 Factor sunscreen, a great To-Go cup and a beach towel. Happiness!!!
So you see. It doesn’t have to be THAT painful…for you…or the masses who may see you coming down the beach.
Just remember; THINK before you EXPOSE! God, I wish I had gotten a hold of this woman before spring. It’s just WRONG I tell ya. Women can be attractive at any size – but NOT when you make really, really, reallllly bad choices. I’m hoping the sales person who sold her that piece of patchwork got a sales commission to match the size of the suit. NEXT TO NOTHING! ANYWAY!!!
I love each and every one of you.
If you have been emotionally scarred by this post then I suggest you leave work early and go have a cocktail poolside to recover.