Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Friends

  • The Final 24…..

    7:00 PM TONIGHT…we enter the FINAL 24 hours before Conroe High School’s Class of 1981-  30 Year REUNION WEEKEND at Sam’s Boat at the Lake. What would Jack Bauer do?  (Cue music)

    To hell with Jack! He got cancelled anyway. What are YOU gonna do?

    It’s a little late to lose 20yrs in 20 minutes but if you wanna pay the premium – be my guest. I’m sure the swelling will go down in plenty of time for the “Most Well Preserved” contest. It’s scheduled to take place just before last call….must be present to win.

    Oh, Look at it this way. If you look like you, only older, we’ll know who you are. If we have to keep asking everybody (and by everybody I mean Lisa Bull)…”Who is that again?” You might as well of stayed home and watched reruns of 24 while downing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

    I know everybody can feel a little insecure at times. I’m a little freaked out too. 30 Yrs is a long time! I’ve only kept in touch with a handful of folks. And to be perfectly honest. I didn’t know most people in the school cause it was so dang huge!

    Have you been feeling those little flutters in your stomach all day today? I have. A little quiezy?  Honey, bless our hearts! Feels just like Prom night jitters doesn’t it? Agh… but prom night was a long time ago. Look at the upside. We don’t have to worry about getting stuck with a corsage pin by our date, we don’t have a curfew and if our outfit pops off on the way home chances are it’s because we’re having a hot flash and the last thing we want is for someone to start TOUCHING us. I get it! Relax…It’s gonna be fun!

    SO, what will I be doing during the last 24?  I’ll be  jamm’in to a custom playlist of top 100 songs of 1980-81 while I top of my bag of freshly laundered outfits. I’ve got all the basics covered from party to pool and back again. I’ll scann the FLARE one- more- time just to remind myself of the 80’s era and who apparently did what and when. (It’s like Cliff notes only with pictures) It’s coming back to me slowly but surely.  I’ll check arrival times on all my BFF’s. Paint my toes a festive color! Charge my camera battery and remind Marianne Merritt one more time….BIG GIRL PANTIES AND PJ’S at LORI’S….It’s the LAW.

    I’ll see you there! Travel Safe!

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Just a tree……

    My roots run deep and branch out in all directions beneath me. They anchor me in storms holding fast to the soil. They drink in the sweet energy of the earth everyday and night and feed me the nourishment I need. The exchange never ceases. I am more grounded today than the day before as my roots reach deeper and deeper into that which sustains me.

    I stand tall and sturdy knowing my core is balanced. Flexible enough to sway in the wind but strong enough to hold my position. I am engrained with layers upon layers of experiences that envelope me telling a story all their own and marking the passage of life. Each layer is larger than the one before , allowing my heart more room to grow.  And more room to carry the hearts of so many within me. I am stronger today than the day before as I build upon what I have learned.

    A canopy of branches and leaves stretch above me and provide shade from the harshness in the world. Unafraid of the unknown they reach out to new heights and experiences. They take and they give, absorbing the energy from the sun and filtering it back out to the world as pure intent. I stand taller today than I did the day before unafraid to grow beyond my own yard.

    The Tree of Life is not just a tree, it is who you are. Yesterday, today and tomorrow. It is the summon total of all our experiences.

    “here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
    higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)”   
    —      E.E. Cummings

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

  • Calling all Angels…..

    The night is silent in this house except for the hum of a fan in the corner. I sit and stare at a blue eye like my own and wonder if it sees the shooting star coming it’s way. I don’t always see them coming but I sense their presence in my life, glimmering swift messengers I tack my wishes to.

    My wishes are prayers I send out to the Heavens each night. I wish you peace in all things. I wish you guidance when you’re unsure of your next step. I wish you perfect understanding in all life’s challenges. I wish you happiness and most of all, I wish you love.

    Sleep as if held in the arms of angels and know that you are loved 100 times more than you can ever imagine. Thank you, my angels, for always being there when I call.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Boy Scout Motto…..

    Being Prepared. It USED to mean a jump bag in  the trunk of  my car filled with all the necessities for an over night romp and a clean set of clothes for work the next day. NO walk of shame here!

    Today? Not so much. First off. If you need to see me that bad on short notice…pack your own bag and get your ass to my house. I ain’t driving to South Dallas. Been there – done that.

    And second…well, there is no second. Number 1 took care of everything.

    I decided I better make up an emergency jump bag in case that call comes from mom, the hospital or a home health care provider. Ms Wanda made a statement the other day that just keeps ringing in my head. She was talking about herself and the passing of my dad but I’m thinking it could be about any of us. “You never know how you will react till it happens”. And she is right. All logic may fly right out the window and packing a toothbrush and underwear will likely be harder than you can imagine and lets face it, I have PLENTY of everything to make up a 4 day bag and not miss it in my daily routine. So, I did – rather hesitantly at first then my hyper Capricorn Organizer mode kicked in. Q-tips, cotton balls, nail clippers and file . Hair brush and comb and scrunchies with style. PJ’s and panties and socks galore – then all the makeup – the samples from the store. I’m packed and ready. I’ve done what I can,  to prepare for the day when the bad news comes.

    I don’t know how I’ll act but I know what I’ll have. A lil bit of home in a polka dot bag.

    I love each and every one of you

    Thanks for keeping us in your prayers

    Juliana

  • XXX Confessions…..

    Dieting, I am beginning to realize, is a lot like sex. When you have to do the same thing over and over it can get stale and let’s face it – boring. The temptation to stray can be overwhelming. Excitement mounts at the thought of something new,different and dangerous. Before you know it you’re sitting at Phil & Derek’s Cafe having a threesome over the most sinful dish of macaroni and cheese with white truffle oil that you ever dipped your spoon in. Work with me here. I’m still talking about the dieting.

    Jimmie Swaggart may have only paid a prostitute to take of her clothes so he could watch over…and over…and over. But I dove right in and tasted the forbidden fruit. And ooooh my God is was gooooood!!!! Ounce for ounce my mac-n-cheese cost WAY more than a New Orleans hooker but it was worth every penny. I know you are supposed to confess with remorse in your heart but I just can’t muster any up right now.

    Life happens and stress mounts as family matters pop up and friends pass or fall on hard times. It’s harder and harder to MAKE TIME to take care of my business. But I know the only one I am neglecting is myself. I didn’t feel as good this week as I had been feeling so I worked today on getting back on track. I battled the 4th of July foodies at the local grocery fighting their way through the hotdogs and beer and gathered up a bevy of heathy Scooby Snacks and dinner fix’ins. I came home and fixed up my two-week supply of snack bags for work.And now I feel a little better about the whole situation.

    I guess I’m standing before the congregation of life and proclaiming my re-dedication to the cause. I feel like I should say the Pledge of Allegiance or something to make it official but instead…I’m gonna put my feet up and watch Paula Deen on the cooking channel. Mmmm. I love me some Paula Deen!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • What to wear?????

    No it’s not a white tie, formal affair so keep your opera gloves in the drawer where they belong!But there has been some confusion amongst the Fashionistas of  the group about WHAT TO WEAR to a 30 yr class reunion.

    Okay Tigers and Tigerettes, let’s just go over a few small details and I bet you can figure out what you’re gonna wear quicker than a cat can lick its ass.

    1.) Location, Location, Location. Sam Boat is a fine establishment…LAKE SIDE. And though they can accommodate 300 plus, count on only 75-100 being in the air condition at any one time. So  – If you find that sweat balls running in and out of unseen and never explored crevices as being a hinderance to your good time – powder your bits and pieces and dress appropriately.

    2.) Purpose of Gathering: Now most of us are there to see just how bad everybody else looks so we can feel a little bit better about ourselves. Let’s just call a Pig a Pig shall we.  But if you happen to be a bit self-conscious about the way you look remember the Golden Rule of Fashion. I’ve said it before…. The bigger the hair – the smaller your ass looks….nuff said.

    3.)Shopping….I have noticed at past reunions that some single folks like to do some “shopping”. Keep these tips in mind.

    If they already saw it in high school – show’em something new for Christ’s sake. Cleavage will only get you so far and if your britches are tight enough to be a terroristic threat, please pick a trunk that fits your junk!

    AND  If its got a ring on it – best figure there is a deer rifle in the truck and his/her spouse may not have any problem at all taking in some target practice while in the country. (Lori Acker- Westmreland will have a shovel and a bag of lye in her trunk if someone has a need…see the bartender and have her paged…$50.00 cash deposit on the shovel required)

    4.) SHOES & ACCESSORIES: We all have been shopping for jewelry at Harwin honey, don’t try to pass off that shit as real if it ain’t. You’ll just embarrass yourself. And if you think you can manage stilettos on a wooden plank deck….carry your health insurance card so when you get your spike heel caught between the planks and snap your ankle after sucking down 10 tinsy weensy margaritas we can call 911 for ya! Okay…we will HOPE it’s your ankle cause you break a hip at this age it’s all down hill.

    5.) MAKE-UP: I love getting my drag on just as much as any girl. But what goes up…..with spackle and powder….must come down. Last call is gonna look more like banquet night at a sci-fi convention if you don’t use moderation and bring a few touch up toys.

    Lipstick, blush and something to touch up that eye liner girl, geeze are you from Willis or what?

    The real reason we will all be there is just to see each other and have a good time. So please, don’t sweat the small stuff. Just show up and have some fun…I’m pretty sure I heard Hood is buying the first round…..I’ll see you there!!!

    I love each and ever one of you

    Juliana

  • Dance with my father……

    My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”

    Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.

    I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.

    I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.

    I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses  to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.

    I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.

    What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.

    I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Video link to Dance with My Father.

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  • Top 10 list for a class reunion…..

     GOING WILD AND HAVING FUN – WE’RE THE CLASS OF ’81

    They just don’t make high school cheers the way they (we) used to. I have a  30 year high school class reunion in 11 days….yep 30 yrs….OMG!  Okay – that exclamation was not for the number of years but for the revelation I have experienced lately listening to all the 48 yr olds whine how “no one will remember who I am” and “I don’t think any one liked me back then” or “those people scared the hell out of me then why would I wanna see them NOW?”

    Take a breath…a deep, deep, deeeeep breath….(just like in the 80’s except without the funny lil pipe) and let it out……..

    GET OVER IT! You were not the wall flower you thought you were. You were not invisible for 4 years of school, 7 classes a day and just because you skipped the pep rally and went to the lake or to play darts and scarf down at beer at Weber’s BBQ before health class, we still have a pretty good recollection of who we went to school with.

    Here are some easy guidelines to get you through the weekend.

    1.) SOMEONE had a crush on you that you never knew about. He’ll probably blurt this out while introducing you to his 3rd wife. Don’t worry. He is harmless.

    2.) The guy you had a crush on that you were sure didn’t know you existed…he didn’t ask you out because he thought you were too pretty to say “yes” to him or what the hell. He’s just GAY – get over it!

    3.) And ANY BODY that introduces you to their partner? Most likely NOT who they work with but who they live with – again….get over it!

    4.) Those pretty girls that never offered to share their lip-gloss in the bathroom will be begging you to buy their Arbonne Cosmetic line out of the trunk of their car.

    5.) The guy that  hung out at the PATIO between classes with the long hair wearing rock concert t-shirts and jeans everyday with his leather “monkey knot” necklace from PDAP….retired CEO of an internet start up. The BENTLEY in the parking lot is his. He may have even tossed you his keys when he pulled up honestly mistaking you for the valet.

    6.) Speaking of hair – if they HAD hair – they may not now, be prepared. If they didn’t have boobs – well, the ones they bought in LA may put your eye out, be equally prepared.

    7.) If someone shows up in your personal space every blasted time you walk out of the bathroom…don’t panic. They are not stalking you, they just can’t hold their beer any better than you can.

    8.) BTW….Report all stalkers to Management.

    9.) If he’s divorced now…and you’re divorced and ….you’re thinking…. it’s fate….it’s probably the vodka…which is probably WHY you are divorced…and he’s divorced….proceed with caution.

    10.) If you’ve had a sex change operation and feel the need to show the former Cheerleaders & Pep Squad how they SHOULD have done it…go to the bar immediately and ask the bartender to find me  or Lori  Acker-Westmoreland, we have experience with  interventions.

    People change, people stay the same…I think it’s worth the risk to see the results.

    After all – I was just a shy, delicate flower in High School and I haven’t changed a bit.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Back in School…..

    Aghhhh the Lessons…..life is full of them. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes you have to repeat them over and over. First, you claim you just had a teacher that sucked and you just know you could have aced it if you just had a decent teacher. They were gunning for you from day one!

    The fact of the matter is LIFE IS A LESSON…and if you don’t GET IT the first time it will present itself over and over and over until YOU do get it!.

    Sometimes, distance gives us clarity and it is easy to see another person’s  life lesson because they are running parallel to our own experience. Compassion leads us to stick our nose in and offer our opinion. To raise the flag and say “Danger, danger Will Robinson!” Don’t feel like a failure if they don’t heed the warnings.

    In attempting to steer them away from the heart break or crisis you know is coming you are actually interfering with THEIR LIFE LESSON. Sometimes the lesson IS the heart break , the disappointment or defeat. Their lesson IS the crisis AND the recovery. If you interfere today, then you just delay their lesson till tomorrow.

    Show TRUE compassion, show the unconditional love of the Christ Consciousness. Allow people you care about to live out the lessons they have called into their own lives whether is be addiction, co-dependency or just plan fear to stand on their own two feet.  Support them with positive thoughts and prayer that they receive peace, love and perfect understanding from the Universe. THAT is Help. THAT is Compassion. THAT IS LOVE, BABY.

    Be happy that you worked thru YOUR life lesson and have moved on to the next. Allow them to do the same.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Shifting sands……

    The shifting sands of life can sometimes seem to spread out in every direction and appear so vast an expanse of nothing-ness that you lose your bearings. Sand spills into every opening in your shoes making every step you take that much more difficult and uncomfortable. The hot winds have left you so parched you couldn’t call out a name if you tried. Progress seems impossible. Survival both emotional, mental and physical is challenged to the breaking point.

    Stop – Look – Listen. That is not a freight train coming at you….it is an OASIS.

    There you will find water to quench your thirst, shelter from the hot pounding rays of the sun and food to feed your soul.

    Life is hardest when we put up the fight to cross the desert all in one trip. Take your time.

    The prize is not in the far away distance…. the prize is already in your hand. Relax your grip and open your hand wide. Make room for the hand of inner voice to guide you to safety.

    All that you have been and all that you have done has been a journey worth taking. There is more to come…..once you have rested.

     

    I love each and every one of you. Today I say to someone I love – Love yourself just a little bit more.

    Juliana