Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: weight lose

  • Weight Watchers….whose watching???

    Alright, I have succumbed to the Jennifer Hudson hype and joined Weight Watchers on line for three months. That was $65.00 out of my budget that just vanished with the click of a keystroke. But there is still nobody WATCHING me…I can still eat what I like. There are no POINTS POLICE lurking behind the counter at the Local Popeye’s Chicken just waiting to bust me and take me down for a calorie violation.  Nope – not even a Meter Reader to issue me so much as a warning for parking at the Baskin Robins. What the hell did I pay for??? Dang it! There are no free rides even when you shell out cold hard electronic cash. I still have to do all the work myself. I have to plan meals and log in every POINT of substinance that passes my lips. And they tricked me – their is an ACTIVITY LOG to go with it….they even expect me to log how much I drink.

    This is like…like…..HOMEWORK! What about my tan time? What about Dancing with the STARS? What about FACEBOOK????

    Okay – I’m done bitching. I know (after finally reading my last hospital report about RESTRICTIONS) that I have to knuckle down and get on the ball. They have finally gotten really nasty about salt – it’s FORBIDDEN….and alcohol…I just don’t even want to talk about it. And after looking up points on a hotdog which remains one of my favorite foods – Well, let’s just say that after adding those points to the POINT TRACKER I wouldn’t be allowed to eat for a week.

    Ho – hum…what’s a beautiful girl to do?…..COUNT Points with Jennifer Hudson I guess. I bet she doesn’t even log in her own points. I bet she  has a personal assistant that logs everything she eats into the POINT TRACKER and sends up a warning when she gets too close to going over budget for the day. Aghhh the life of the rich and famous.

    I love each and every morsel of you

    Juliana

  • OMG….. FLAT ABS!

    I have FINALLY found the latest, most effective way to get in shape. It is THE ultimate work out!!!  A girlfriend was kind enough to share this secret with me. Talk about motivational! OHHHH I just couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. I think we are REALLY on to something that could change the face of workouts everywhere. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how out of shape. There is nothing to buy or sign up for. No special diet. No books to read or DVD’s to sweat to. You don’t even have to leave your house! Any woman with a pulse can do this! Are you ready???  It’s called Coregasm! Yep! COREGASM. Apparently – I say apparently cause I haven’t run home to try it yet – APPARENTLY, it is an orgasm some women can have when performing certain ab exercises. Experts say (wait….BIG O Experts?? Really??? Who knew!!) Well, EXPERTS say that this wacky core induced climax could be due to a number of factors:

    1.)The tightening of pelvic muscles

    2.) The build up of tension 

     3.) Nerve impulse

    At this point in my life I don’t really care if it’s caused by underpaid workers in a sweat shop in Malasia, I think it is wortha try.  It’s doesn’t matter HOW it works, only that it does!

    Oh….and if I lose a few inches of my waist…well that’s just gravy…so to speak.

  • I’m not FAT ….I’m Fluffy!

    It sounds good in theory anyway. Being fluffy instead of fat. That’s what a friend’s son told me once a few years back. That I was Fluffy – not FAT.

    You see, kids don’t really have filters at 7, or 8, or 9….to him FAT was a negative thought and once he spent a few hours with me we were the best of pals and I couldn’t peel him off me. He was glued to my side.

    His mother politely told him to GET OFF me. He replied that he couldn’t. “She is so soft and fluffy”, he exclaimed with a smile and nuzzled his face into my side.

    Yep – that’s me. I’m broken in like an old Lazy Boy recliner. Soft and comfy in all the right places. I know I’m overweight. No nine-year old needs to tell me that. But somehow I have been able to win them over with my charm, wit and homemade peach cobbler.

    I never had kids. When I was younger I believed that threat my mother yelled out at me when I misbehaved. “Someday you’ll have  kids and they’re gonna be JUST LIKE YOU. YOU JUST WAIT LITTLE LADY!”. I always thought – HELL NO I’M NOT! And I have lived by my proclamation.

    So, I am Auntie, Aunt Huli, Tia. To Nieces and Nephews by blood and by choice. I am the coolest Aunt around. I answer calls at midnight from stranded college students. I hear about first kisses and broken hearts. I have done my fair share of homework , science projects and parties at Chucky Cheese. I’ve sat thru school and church concerts, plays and sports games at 8:00 am in the cold rainy morning.  I’ve dug thru mounds of dirty clothes in search of THE shirt that MUST be worn NOW! I’ve over bought and over indulged. I’ve bent the house rules, stayed up too late and let them sleep to long? YEP – I am Aunt Huli, Auntie, the fluffiest Tia in Town. I don’t mind it at all.

    I made an impression – and so did they. There is a new one on the way this fall. I can’t wait to meet her…or him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Signing off – Your fluffiness – Juliana

  • CANKLES!

    Remember back in the late 70’s when they used to show a commercial with a skillet on a stove with eggs frying in it and the sound bite was ‘THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS!” Sooo scary!

    Fast forward thirty years and you see a malformed CANKLE resting on a couch. “This is your foot after a 12 hour day running all over Christ’s creation to get a show up and running”.

    It looks much worse than it is – really…and it’s only one. The other is just fine…odd. I know. Just seems ironic that these days I pop 13 pills every morning to be healthy and instead of frying my brain I have swollen ankles. Where is the sense in that?

    So what is a CANKLE – the Slang dictionary describes it as:

    A fat ankle – one that is as thick as the person’s calf, such that there’s no visible anatomical difference in the two. From “calf” + “ankle.” Usually used in the plural.

    I’m special…I only have one cankle tonight. And it doesn’t always look like this. Normally, I have ankles. So I am just gonna sit back and relax and put my cankle up. WAY UP! and see if it can’t find a way to return to normal all on it’s own. Hopefully I won’t wake up with a knalf or worse a vagiknee.

    Tomorrow is another day…And I wouldn’t miss it!

    I love each and every one of you and your cankles!

    Juliana

     

     

  • Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink…

    I just HAVE to get this off my chest. Just as I don’t want to be dismissed from living a well rounded life because I am large, I also don’t want to be targeted for pick up …BECAUSE I am large.

    I keep getting emails on FACEBOOK from men around the world wanting to be my “FRIEND”. Apparently there are people who troll thru profiles looking for MS. Right. Like this one –  “When i read through your profile i was really amazed and motivated to send you an email and show my interest. Waiting to hear from you.”  Oh PLLLL-EEEEZE. Read a little further down my profile and you will see that men are not on my diet!

    One guy from another country who could only type – BROKEN English must of thought he was a real charmer.”I love fat lady – I wish had fat lady beautiful like you”.  See what I mean? Dude – buy a cow.

    One guy right here in Houston recently assured me that our age difference would take a back seat to the fact that he loved large women. (He was a young whipper snapper in his 30’s who posed next to a Bently in his profile picture, someone else’s I’m sure!) He was just sure we would hit it off. DELETE!

    DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!!!!!!! Now I know how Anna Nicole felt. Always lauded after for her big– personalities….ehem….Just clearing my throat folks…..

    We are all more than our physical appearance. It is only natural to have certain preferences and attractions. Lord knows I have mine.  But I am MORE than my weight. And to be singled out for that single feature is annoying, shallow and down right offensive to me.

    I am a woman who knows what she wants. I love big and I love deeply. I enjoy life now like never before. I am an artist in the truest sense of the word.

  • One, such as a painter, sculptor, performer or writer, who is able by virtue of imagination and talent or skill to create works of aesthetic value, especially in the fine arts.

    • Yes, the truest sense of the word and beyond. I am an artist of life. I create my life through my thoughts, beliefs and deeds. I take full responsibility. I have no one else to blame if some days it seems less attractive or balanced  than I would like. And when I am ready I will attract the right partner I deserve to have. Right now – God’s just having fun showing me all the things on the shelf. You know what the merchants say – you break it – you buy it! Well I haven’t even seen a package I would bother lifting off the shelf in the last year. So it’s all good.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    I am more

  • THINK BEFORE YOU EXPOSE……

    I hate to admit it but I might just be an advocate of reinstating the 1922 Bathing Beach Police. Maybe not with the same rules but there definitely are some offenders out there that need a citation or two and some should be put in the back of a paddy wagon and just hauled straight off to jail.

    It’s no BIG secret that I am a BIG gal. And though I love summer, the pool and hanging out at Surfside’s Pirate’s Alley with my girls, the thought of putting on an actual swim suit makes me more nervous that a virgin on prom night.

    I have a “social conscience” which is extremely lacking in some folks. I THINK before I EXPOSE. I have never fully recovered from seeing a grandpa in a Speedo back in the 80’s at Splash Day in South Padre. Had it not been for my youthful state and the copious amount of liquor I consumed I think I might have stroked out right there.

    So, it is with much forethought and trepidation that I select this years Fashionista Fatwear. I am selecting a two-piece. Okay – pick you ef’ing jaw up off the floor. Not THAT kinda two piece. I’m going for the drawstring swim shorts….in black of course and mixing and matching that with brightly colored  swim tops. I’m okay with that! All my bits and pieces will be sufficiently covered. My delicate white fluffiness will be served up to the sun for an extra dose of newly formed freckles and fun. I already have my floatie toy for the pool. My 55 Factor sunscreen, a great To-Go cup and a beach towel. Happiness!!!

    So you see. It doesn’t have to be THAT painful…for you…or the masses who may see you coming down the beach.

    Just remember; THINK before you EXPOSE! God, I wish I had gotten a hold of this woman before spring. It’s just WRONG I tell ya. Women can be attractive at any size – but NOT when you make really, really, reallllly bad choices. I’m hoping the sales person who sold her that piece of patchwork got a sales commission to match the size of the suit. NEXT TO NOTHING! ANYWAY!!!

    I love each and every one of you.

    If you have been emotionally scarred by this post then I suggest you leave work early and go have a cocktail poolside to recover.

    Juliana!!!!

  • All through the night….

    The night was clear and there seemed to be a thousand stars in the sky. The amber-colored lights of the city flickered at a steady pace below us. I was comfortable, relaxed. There was a soft glow of light from the dashboard radio as we sat in an old red Land Shark listening to Smokey Robinson. Great car that 59 Cadillac Convertible with its white leather bucket seats and stylish fins flying off the back. You were sitting there just being gorgeous in your own skin. Your smile so broad it belonged on a toothpaste commercial. Your eyes as soft as your touch. There I sat just waiting for your kiss…………..BING! BING! BING!…….BING! BING! BING!…….DAMN IT BLACKBERRY!!!! I was sleeping! And dreaming….oooooh, maybe if I shut my eyes really quickly I can pick up where I left off.

    Eyes shut tight, deep breath,  exhale…..wait…..wait….waittttt…..nothing!

    Nothing pisses me off more than having a brilliantly vibrant dream squashed by ……MORNING….Business…..E-Mails…..Texts……WORK! Just when it was getting really good just like in the movies….BWAUHHHH!!! 😦

    What was so important? Catherine’s is having a 40% off sale on Maggie Barnes Tops and Bottoms this weekend only! One Spirit Book Club has FREE shipping and one of the girls wants an impromptu rehearsal at her apartment tonight. All before 7:30 am. Then I notice my Danceswithfat blog has come in as well. I refuse to get up yet so I read it in bed. Boy did that wake me up.

    Apparently Rick Chandler a sports writer for a MAJOR news agency wrote a tasteless blog about Kelly Gneiting. The 430 lb former sumo wrestler who ran and COMPLETED the LA MARATHON. Regan (From danceswithfat) didn’t want to comment on his blog site but aired her disdain on her own blog. But I damn sure wrote on his comment board. His blog is below and so is my comment.

    Kelly Gneiting hauls his 430 pounds to LA Marathon finish line

    Rick Chandler

    Mar 21, 2011, 7:18 PM EDT

    “Kelly Gneiting, a 430-pound sumo wrestler and longhaul truck driver, entered the Guinness Book of World Records on Sunday as the heaviest person to ever finish a marathon, finishing the Los Angeles Marathon in 11 hours, 52 minutes, and 11 seconds. Impressive, I suppose. But you may scratch your head when you read the following quote:

    After jogging the first 8 miles, he walked the final 18. According to Fox Sports he claims he was delirious from mile 10 onward.

    What fun!

    But taking half a day to finish a marathon, and walking the great majority of it, is not really a sports accomplishment, is it? It’s just kind of a long walk to the store. The bigger accomplishment would be losing 200 pounds and then running the marathon. But there I go being cynical again. Actually, since Gneiting is the size of two people, you could say that each of him finished in 5 hours, 26 minutes, 5 seconds. That sounds better.”

    RICK

    I am, well, just sick over your comments. Had this ATHLETE been in a wheel chair , or 90 yrs old or on fake legs, deaf and blind you would have applauded his heroism, his drive and determination. His dedication to take on more than he was thought capable of would have made the evening news. I always have said the only two people who ever get recognition at a marathon or the winner and the guy who takes the longest to hit the finish line.

    This IS a sports accomplishment. Better yet it is a HUMAN accomplishment. I think he fucking ROCKS for daring to put himself out there. He has allot bigger balls  (no pun intended) then most the men I know regardless of their size.

    When will modern-day media get off the FAT WAGON and start seeing people for WHO they are.

    The “BIGGER ACCOMPLISHMENT” is not to lose weight first and then live your life. It is to take the first step to living your life OUTLOUD and being happy.

    A man born without a right leg won the NCAA wrestling championship. Did anybody write an article about how HE should have stayed on the couch? NO – he was applauded for his efforts and achievements.

    Try riding the HUMANITY TRAIN  Rick…It’s a much smoother ride!

    Well – That got my blood to boiling enough to get my ass out of bed. Just remember  – If you can dream it – you can live it! My “parking” days are far from over!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The buffet of LIFE…..

    I have always hated the phrase “Fake it till you make it”. I’m usually a “feel it or forget it” kinda gal. But today, I woke up feeling puny and within the hour had busted a fever.

    An ice cold diet coke and my comfy couch was calling my name. Just when I had accepted my fate of a day of misery and bad Hallmark Channel movies the girls called. They were in town and wanted to  “Do Brunch”.

    My first impulse was to whine and decline. Which I did ….a little. They gave me an hour to get myself together – no pressure but calling back in an hour.

    It occurred to me as I sat there slouched in my pj’s that someday you have to start living what you learn. All those mantra’s of “The most important time is NOW”,  ” Life is what you make it” and “Choose to be happy” were all buzzing about my head like a nat on a ripe piece of fruit. “Damn it”…yes, I tend to mutter to myself some days. I’ll try the “Fake it till ya make it” routine today.

    I put on my new canary yellow capris and a white cotton peasant blouse…I put makeup on the most important features and soon enough realized…. I felt okay.

    The girls picked me up and we headed to the world famous brunch at the fabulous Baba Yaga’s. We sat outside near the pond neath our own special palapas.

    Now every big girl knows a buffet can be just like a clearance sale at Macy’s, a virtual mine field of “I WANT, I NEED, I HAVE TO HAVE”. So I took my time and made good choices. It’s all about taking it one day at a time. And some days, It’s all about taking it one MEAL at a time.

    I filled my plate with fresh-cut fruit, strawberries, pineapple and watermelon. I passed up the pasta salads and the heavier lunch fair. I selected an Eggs Benedict and a broccoli kiche….I didn’t make it unscathed past the bacon but did for go the homemade waffles. . But overall -not a bad plate. It was delicious. Dessert was served in 1″ x 1″ sq’s. I helped myself to three cause I just couldn’t decide which bite would be best. Amazingly I had 1/3rd of each. Meaning I really had only a 1″ x 1″ desert. ..S.O.A.B.!

    Great girls, great conversation, wonderful weather and a fabulous lunch. I’m so glad I didn’t miss it. Home I went, and a nap was in order. Up in time for an evening rehearsal and my day ended up rather well-rounded with friends, sunshine and song. So much better than a day in the dark on the couch.Life is what you make it. So put on your big girl panties and deal with it. You’ll be glad you did!

    I love each and every one of you and today, I loved Kari Adele just a little bit more!

    Juliana

  • Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…First Place

    I am the worst person when it comes to self restraint. I live big, I work BIG and I LOVE BIG. Like a pit bull lock jawed on a burglar I don’t like giving up what I love. And let’s face it. I love to eat or I wouldn’t weigh 300 lbs. But all that BIG LIVING leaves little time to dedicate to loving myself in a bigger way and making a plan to eat and live better.

    On Friday I had to go to a meeting downtown.There was no parking anywhere near the building I needed to go to and the thought of walking 6 city blocks make me sick to my stomach. But I got out, purse on one shoulder and binder in my hand, I huffed it…… all the way to 811 Dallas. I reached my final destination panting and sweating like a prime swine at the rodeo pig races. But alas there was no one there to give me an Oreo for making it to the finish line, or a chair…or a drink of water.Thank God I got to catch my breath and pat my brow while waiting on the elevator before meeting my client.

    I stepped on the elevator and with a deep heavy sigh…it dawned on me. THAT was exercise! AND I LIVED!!!!!!

    It wasn’t a race where you get a ribbon or a marathon for a great cause. It was just me and the concrete. The only one who realized what an accomplishment it was for a 300 lb woman with heart failure….was me. And  then, that  “inner voice” that always seems to speak to me when I least expect it. When I’m alone and quite….like in an elevator being hauled up to the top floor of a downtown office building for a meeting I was late to, it  said to me “Just because you know you won’t place first is no reason not to run the race”.

    Hmmmmm.Well, I’ll be! That’s the beauty of life. You get to enter a new race everyday. Sometimes you win and get a ribbon, sometimes you place and find new friends on the podium and other times you cross the finish line last. But that’s okay. The only ones that the evening news ever shows crossing the finish line are the winner and the last to complete the course. Smile for the camera baby! YOU MADE IT!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana