Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: weight lose

  • Let’s Ride…..

    The best thing about waking up every morning…other than the obvious…is that you get to start your life all over again. Wipe the slate clean. It’s a whole new day. Yesterdays failures and successes are behind you so no need to bitch or brag. TODAY has all the potential in the world.

    So this morning I got back on track. I weighed in….307 lbs. Yep. I know. Say no more!

    I logged onto Weight Watchers Point Plus and started the meticulous detailing of my daily intake. I packed my Bobby Sherman lunch box and armed myself with snacks. I even had my dinner tonight of stir fried beef and veggies. All good food, but here I sit at 9:36pm and I still have 12 points left to consume and I can’t eat another damn thing.

    That’s what most people don’t understand. Overweight people don’t allows OVER EAT all day. Many, like myself, eat inconsistently and make poor choices when we do eat. I am the most guilty of skipping breakfast and often not putting anything in my mouth till 1pm or 2pm…So my metabolism is shot to hell. My blood sugar spikes and then crashes and I am left feeling tired. Having heart failure only makes this worse. Experiencing severe chest pains again this weekend just makes it damn scary.

    I’m not beating myself up….because today was a new day. And tomorrow…..well, that’s another new day. I know that tomorrow, I need to shoot for a bigger breakfast and knock out some points and continue to eat consistently thru the day to maintain my blood sugar and my energy. I already know this works. But it is not the INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT that I lose when I sit myself down for a little chat with myself. It always comes back to convincing myself in my heart of hearts that I am worth the effort. It just seems logical that I am. But it also seems logical to me that if you calculate rate of speed, angle of ramp and resistance of the wind that you should be able to jump the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle just like Evel Knievel. Not everyone has the courage to do that.

    So I think I just answered my own question…It’s not about BEING worthy….It’s about having the COURAGE to act on it.

    Hmmmm…who knew??

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

     

  • Skinny-Dipping…..

    And now ladies and gentlemen, the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Can FAT people SKINNY dip ? HELL YES!

    There is a HUGE misconception that overweight people CAN’T do a lot of things that everyone else can. Now granted, I personally can’t run a marathon but Kelly Gneiting, an ex-sumo wrestler who weighs 400 lbs ran one this year in California.

    The OTHER huge misconception is that overweight people are unintelligent. That if they can’t manage something as simple as their diet then they are asking to be the “go to” punch line. Society has more compassion for alcoholics, smokers, anorexics and drug addicts than they do anyone overweight. And when the opportunity presents itself – a mob mentality can take hold.

    Recently, I saw a photo of a political protest and the man was carrying a sign which had two misspelled words on it. It was posted on a website for the opposition. First the critiques were on his spelling. Then the nasty came out. Comments were made by viewers almost immediately. “No wonder he can’t spell – look how fat he is”. REALLY???? I thought to myself…and then I kept reading, the feeding frenzy continued… “Look at the muffin top on the one in front of him” they remarked about one woman..”Figures, they’re all overweight and stupid – no wonder they can’t read the constitution” chimed another. The flash “FAT” mob was in full force. A protest on Unconstitutional Legislation was reduced in 58 posts to tasteless and rude commentaries on a persons physical appearance.

    I was blown away. And PISSED. WHY was this happening? The jabs and jokes continued throughout the thread. I was absolutely dumb founded that no one made an attempt to keep the discussion on point.

    To say I hate what politics has become in America is an understatement. Civilized debates about issues that directly affect our country have taken LAST place to insults and personal jabs at differences that define us as HUMAN. The media, PR firms and campaign coordinators make a point to set their sights on everything from religious differences to hair styles, regional drawl to summer jobs when they were 16 but mostly – how they look. ARE THEY PRESIDENTIAL? DO THEY HAVE THE LOOK?

    64% of adults in America are classified as overweight and 34% are considered OBESE. The only thing that can keep an overweight person from learning is trying to learn in a hostel and vicious environment, and even then we persist. Just ask OPRAH. Grow up people! If you want to argue POLITICS be informed about the issues. If the basis of your argument is “you win because you’re thin”…then don’t count on getting a lot of votes come election time cause I have serious concerns about YOUR IQ.

    I’m gonna go skinny dipping now!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Cheerleader in my pocket…..

    Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???? Oh yeah….me too! I’m ready for all the hoopla and holler’in! I’m ready for pre-game parties on Sunday and the Bloody Mary bar on the club level at Reliant Stadium right on the fifty yard line. I’m ready for Monday Night Mayhem and over loaded Scooby Snack trays!

    Just when I was making my snack list today and checking the budget….BAMM….Weight Watchers snatches $17.95 out of my bank account. Yea, yea yea, automatic draft is a wonderful thing. I hadn’t logged my points in a few weeks and was thinking…aghh I got this…which I didn’t but it didn’t seem like anyone was noticing. Suddenly, out of the blue, I get a cheerleader in my corner helping themselves to my money and saying “Come on , you can do it”…and chanting, “You’re Number 1, You’re Number 1”.  Well, she has a point. They don’t call it Weight WATCHERS for nothing I guess. Someone is always looking out for me. Weight Watchers Point Plus System – That’s a first down and home team has the ball. I’ll try not to fumble.

    I needed my girls this morning when I had to take my car to the dealership. A long list of possible repairs and a nervous stomach was bearing down on me. Zoom-Zoom had some major rattling under the hood. Secondly, she ROARED when I drove and that had nothing to do with the ZOOM or the recall…Oh but Allan, my Mazda cheerleader who had on a less than inspiring outfit said not to worry. Turns out the rattle was a battery cable cover, the “ROAR” was uneven wear on my tires, an unseen faulty tire indicator was the hail Mary that gave me the free loaner car cause it was covered under the extended warranty. All in all….a $50.00 diagnostic. GO MAZDA! That’s another FIRST DOWN!

    Half-time injury report puts my father coming out of the hospital tonight and being sent back home with hospice care starting tomorrow morning. They offered up a pace-maker this weekend but we all said, “No, Thank You”.  Wanda will have help now and they will be more comfortable at home. The game clock is winding down.

    I got back in the game today at work and rolled thru some contracts. It’s good to be busy and have a routine. I never know what my days will look like from one to the next. But I do know I have plenty of things to look forward to.

    Not all cheerleaders are easy to pick out of the crowd. Some are subtle and unseen. No pom-poms. No ultra cool boots, spray on tans or make up by a she-she salon. Aghhhhh…but they cheer me on from the sidelines everyday. They make the game….Just saying!

    I love each and every one of you

    PS….Texans beat the Jets! Thanks Monday Night Football!

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Love Spell…..

    I admit. It ain’t easy being me. LIFE is simple, it’s just not always easy. And there in lies the rub. I’m not talking about the annoying RUB that happens when you forget to wear your bicycle shorts under your skirt either. You know what I am talking about, some of us have issues. Especially in this 110 degree heat. A big girl’s rubenesque thighs, when darting to the BOGO at Lane Bryant, can rub together with enough friction and force to set off a small forest fire for sure. And HELLO….haven’t you heard? There is a BURN BAN. Yet another reason to tend to your bits and pieces and keep your yard work done! Just saying!

    Oh, sorry…my thighs took me off track.

    LIFE is simple. Change is SIMPLE. Neither is EASY.  WTF?  Right?

    Example #1: I AM NOT A HOARDER! But why do I find it so hard to bag up a whole entire drawer of belts that I never wear, that do not fit and even if they did I wouldn’t wear. Some are extra cheap and came with outfits, some I bought during my “Cowgirl” stage and some I’m sure are leftovers discarded and left behind by more than one ex-lover…It’s SIMPLE – Bag and tag. DONATE.

    Example #2: I have a bottle of LOVE SPELL from Victoria Secret that my ex-lover gave me when we were dating, you know…that whole “spray this on your pillow and think of me” bit. I’m not too proud to say I did just that on more than one occasion but since we are no longer together and haven’t been for more than a year it just seemed cheesy. It sat on my dresser for ever….then I dared to actually wear it myself cause I do really like the way it smelled. And yes…I did worry that someone would NOTICE that I smelled like HER and look at me like I had two heads. Of course that never happened. Today, I used the last of it and should have just tossed the bottle….but….but….but…..I couldn’t do it. Sounds pretty SIMPLE though right? Throw it away! It’s not like I collect empty containers…shampoo and mouthwash bottles do not line my driveway! And it’s not like she’s going to come back some day and want to know where her toothbrush, belt and body splash went!  I know without a doubt that I won’t ever buy LOVE SPELL body splash for myself. Though the thought of going into a Victoria Secret store at the mall and watching the sales girl’s face fall when I walk in to SHOP is pretty priceless since nothing in the store could cover my left tit. I KNOW: Bag it – tag it – toss it.

    Example #3: I already know that if I take the time to pack all my Scooby Snacks and eat properly every day that I FEEL better. I know that it is important to keep up with all my medications for this and that. I know I need to exercise to keep ahead of the game as much as possible. I know that I’m on a short leash here….but I still find it hard to make the TIME to make it important. The simple thing is TIME already exists. It’s not something I have to make up. The program is easy. The process is easy. The time is there. Why is it when you put it all together it just seems so difficult? Bag it – tag it and pack it up!

    Having the perception that ANY of these things is HARD is a conscious choice on my part and a battle that I have created within myself. Change is simple -just let go.  Life is simple….be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t wait for the world to change to join the ride or you will most certainly miss the party!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • From here to there and back again…..

    Footloose and fancy free…that is me! It seems I just can’t enough of you guys! I can cram more living into one weekend than a nun on a “hall pass”!

    Thanks go out to everyone who cheered me on at the Auditions for The Biggest Loser in Austin, Texas this weekend. I was so busy laughing all day I barely snapped a photo. Here it is in a nut shell. Imagine 600 overweight people lined up around a building in 100+ degree heat….We were sitting stuffed ducks on the water. Marketers from Medi-fast and Quick Weight Loss Centers weaved in and out of the crowd passing out promo laden water bottles and taking surveys. The best though was the taco truck that just kept circle the block like a shark on a seal colony. He smelled blood in the water and wasn’t leaving till he had emptied his truck! He had probably watched the morning news and heard the sound bite: Biggest Loser contestants will be lining up at the Lone Star Center.….he started seeing big, fat, juicy dollar signs $$$$$$$  and was out the door before he could even get his boxers on.

    8 hours in line led to a 5 minute interview with one casting assistant and 9 other contestants. We were asked as a group and answered down the line…name, age and occupation….then “how much do you want to lose?”….every one answered and we moved on to how many watch the show and have you entered before….finally she asks where is the best place to eat in Austin???? Thank you very much everyone – we’ll be calling you if you made call backs! It reminded me of the hand shake you get at the end of a dull date instead of a kiss….”I’ll call you”……….Sure!

    I had shown them the most I could in the shortest amount of time possible. My composite photo attached to my application showed more than anything, in fact it showed everything; community involvement, out-going, daring, social and cute as a button!!!

    But alas, we did not leave there with a lot of hope.  Gayle and I opted for Margarita’s at Chuy’s  instead of sitting by the phone and pining the evening away waiting on a call back.  My sweet friend Lisa joined us and I followed her home to Dripping Springs like a little lost puppy. I have dubbed her home, Club Venturini! The Italian egg breakfast was FAB-U-LOUS…..eat your heart out BIGGEST LOSER!

    Sunday meant time to hit the road. I needed to make it to “CHURCH” at Lake Conroe for the early evening services with the girls…and it was 4 hours away! My lil zoom-zoom car carried me along the Texas highways just fine…..The radio was blaring hits from the 80’s and I sang away, windows down and my hair whipping around me like crazy. I giggled at myself more than once cause I was having so much fun. I was footloose and fancy free….subject to my own whims and led by my own desires. Life is good and it will only get better.

    I AM the BIGGEST WINNER. The weight I have lost this last year has been mental. I’ve worked hard to release the past and let go of the hurt and the anger that came with it. It’s something I still work on everyday. But I just keep telling myself. Everyday is a gift! Live each one like it’s your last and you would be amazed how incredible your life becomes.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Go see GOD!…..

    Meditation Flash Mob…..who knew???  I saw the notice on Facebook and went on a whim after work. I knew it would be hotter than hell and that I would have to  do some walking to get there but I put on my big girl panties, grabbed my pretty pink yoga mat and went to Allen Parkway.

    I found a parking spot about three blocks away. I didn’t realize till I started walking that my little jaunt was all uphill. I huffed and puffed and made my way to the site and was dang glad I brought a bottle of water when I finally got there.

    I thought this would be a good time to try to focus on life and pray for those that are hurting in the world. I also thought I might get a glimpse of what I truly was looking for here in on earth. So I spread out my mat and tried to get comfortable. And I tried….and I tried some more. You see – I know HOW to meditate. I’ve been doing it for years. But I am usually in a chair or laying down at the end of the day. But I was having a tiny, weenie problem today….I couldn’t really cross my legs and sit pretty like everybody else.

    All these vibrant, spiritual types had come to the park with nary a care as to HOW they were going to meditate. They just were going to do it! So, I got as comfortable as I could on the grassy spot I had claimed as my own.  I did just fine for the first 15 minutes….then my feet fell asleep….damn it. So I moved very quietly and found a new position and resumed my mantra. I tried to focus on my upcoming trip this weekend to audition for America’s Biggest Loser and asked for guidance on what I might say to casting agents. Before I came up with any insight and ant had gnawed on my ankle. I popped open my eye’s and in a flash I sent that lil bugger to go see God a bit sooner than nature had probably intended. Namaste.

    I settled back in and gave it one more try…another 15 minutes in and my back was killing me, my butt cheeks were numb and a mosquito had decided to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I threw in the towel. I hoisted myself up and sat on a statue base, took a few pictures as the sun was setting and gathered my things for the walk back to my car. Thank GOD it would all be down hill.

    So it was an interesting experience. I got out. I did something new. I met some new people. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t have an AH HA! moment and then it hit me. I knew how to pray for every one else in the world but I was forgetting to LISTEN.

    Prayer is talking to GOD, MEDITATING is listening for an answer…I had my answer all along from the minute I sat down.

    So when the casting agents ask me WHY I want to be on America’s Biggest Loser… the answer is simple. I wanna be able to cross my legs!

    I love each and every one of you!

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • Life in a box…..

    I never realized how many people live “inside the box”, sheltered and protected from life’s judgements,  till I started asking questions. And all I asked for was their STATS. You know….Hair color, eye color, height and weight….

    In response to yesterday’s post I received stats on only 8  people out of 109 readers. They all answered the first three stats.  Only 6 posted where everyone could see….2 people sent me a private email. BUT of those, not everyone filled in weight. There were however some very creative responses.

    Weight: Enough

    Weight: More than enough

    And the winner is        Weight: A Hundred and Plenty.

    For those few that OWNED it – YOU ROCK!

    You would think that people would be more open these days. They post everything about their lives on Facebook and I do mean EVERYTHING. Everyone wants you to “Copy and re-post” their latest causes. There are major debates about politics and religion….which I can remember all my days being told in the South you NEVER discuss politics or religion in mixed company. Course, I never was real clear if  “mixed Company” meant Republicans & Democrats or men & women….Still don’t know…ha! and don’t care so much.

    If you think people divulge too much info on FB then check an on-line dating site.There are bra sizes 36 B or 42DD and “supposed” male endowments…but ask them how much they weigh and they run screaming from the chat room like a little girl. Makes me giggle!

    I’m not sure what they think they are hiding…I can spot a size 18 or a 48 regular a hell of a lot quicker than I can tell their eyes are blue. IT’S JUST A NUMBER FOLKS!!!  IT DOESN’T DEFINE YOU!

    So, not only did I POST my stats yesterday. 296 lbs if you missed it. I took it a bit further…How? Hmmmmmmm. Where would over a million people be able to see my numbers every week? Every bump and every bulge EXPOSED?

    You got it! I applied on-line to Americas Biggest Loser today and I am going to take my big blues eyes to Austin, Texas on Saturday to meet with the Casting Team. Doesn’t matter if I get cast or not. It just matters that I am choosing to live OUTSIDE THE BOX. Better yet…I’m choosing to live.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • BIG DOGS…..

    Mark Twain said it best. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, It’s the size of the fight in the dog”.

    Well, what can I say? This bitch….which I mean with the sincerest form of canine flattery, is not giving up yet!

    I haven’t weighed in for the last three weeks…which if Weight Watchers was really earning their money and  watching me they would have known and reported to the proper dietary authorities. But since I heard no bells and whistles nor did I see the food police hanging out in front of my very secure apartment, I must have gotten away with the 21 day furlow.

    All is not lost my lil chickas! I have my new Bobby Sherman lunch box to inspire me back to dietary greatness! But that of course means the dreaded  WEIGH IN.

    I noticed that my precious lil Bobby had his stats printed  on the side of the lunch box. Somehow I felt closer to him just knowing his parent’s names, that he had a sister, where he was born and of course his height, weight, hair and eye color. Ha! That little smidge on information really did satisfy the quizzical desires of a 7 yr old  back in 1970 didn’t it? And bless his heart, 5’9″ tall and only 135lbs….I could break him like a twig with just one hug.

    ANYWAY….If lil Bobby…and a do mean little…could put up his stats up for the world  to see then what the hell. I can too.

    This may not be pretty but here goes.

                      JULIANA

    Juliana Marie Wathen

    January 4, 1963

    Born : Tulsa, Oklahoma

    Parents: Wanda and Denver Wathen

    Siblings: Irby, Denise, Vern and Fred

    Height: 5’4″                           Weight: 296 lbs

    Hair Color: Lady Clairol            Eye Color: Blue

    Wow….I feel better already. I don’t think I’ll ever weigh 135lbs but I’m sure gonna give it my best shot to keep on keeping on. I’m fighting the battle for a healthier me. I’ve got a lot on my plate so to speak and it ain’t chicken!  I took up Weight Watchers in April and my starting weight was 310. I got down to 290 three weeks ago so hopefully I can regain my ground and keep on going.

    Just remember, If you can’t run with the big dogs…..stay on the porch!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • XXX Confessions…..

    Dieting, I am beginning to realize, is a lot like sex. When you have to do the same thing over and over it can get stale and let’s face it – boring. The temptation to stray can be overwhelming. Excitement mounts at the thought of something new,different and dangerous. Before you know it you’re sitting at Phil & Derek’s Cafe having a threesome over the most sinful dish of macaroni and cheese with white truffle oil that you ever dipped your spoon in. Work with me here. I’m still talking about the dieting.

    Jimmie Swaggart may have only paid a prostitute to take of her clothes so he could watch over…and over…and over. But I dove right in and tasted the forbidden fruit. And ooooh my God is was gooooood!!!! Ounce for ounce my mac-n-cheese cost WAY more than a New Orleans hooker but it was worth every penny. I know you are supposed to confess with remorse in your heart but I just can’t muster any up right now.

    Life happens and stress mounts as family matters pop up and friends pass or fall on hard times. It’s harder and harder to MAKE TIME to take care of my business. But I know the only one I am neglecting is myself. I didn’t feel as good this week as I had been feeling so I worked today on getting back on track. I battled the 4th of July foodies at the local grocery fighting their way through the hotdogs and beer and gathered up a bevy of heathy Scooby Snacks and dinner fix’ins. I came home and fixed up my two-week supply of snack bags for work.And now I feel a little better about the whole situation.

    I guess I’m standing before the congregation of life and proclaiming my re-dedication to the cause. I feel like I should say the Pledge of Allegiance or something to make it official but instead…I’m gonna put my feet up and watch Paula Deen on the cooking channel. Mmmm. I love me some Paula Deen!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Slap my ass and call me Daisy…..

    During my “quiet time” at the pool this afternoon I got to thinking. Hmmmmm. They say that everyone should have a spiritual animal guide, I wonder what animal I would  get  for a guide today? …Immediately I had a vision of a cow  ( a very cute cow) chewing it’s cud.

    CUD : “Food regurgitated from the first stomach to the mouth of a ruminant and chewed again”. It’s a digestion thing.

    Seems I have been regurgitating some emotional hay and having to chew it up all over again this week to get it down my gullet and out the other end. So, after swimming 5 laps (yes 5 and they aren’t baby laps either – the pool is 75 ft long…I counted the tiles.) ANYWAY – I  heaved up on the lounger to multi-task and soak up some late afternoon sun and meditate.

    I named every emotion that plagued me this week. Guilt, blame, shame etc and I mentally attached 10 lbs per word and laid them on a spiritual alter of sorts. When I had purged my list I envisioned setting the alter a flame and sending all that negative energy and the weight  that burdened me from it up in smoke. I struck the match, I lit the flame and THAT ladies and gentleman is how you start a grease fire!  Wow!!!!! Damn good thing there’s not a burn ban in the spiritual world cause that mother went UP! Oooooohhhh. The curse of  the creative mind. Meditation time was over and I swam another 5 laps and snorted water up my nose laughing at myself and nearly drowned.

    Meditation isn’t for everyone. 20 yrs ago we included my brother, Vern, in a guided meditation class I was hosting. The teacher that night asked us all to go within. Follow the journey and the sound of his voice. Walk in a cave and then out into a glen. When you stand in the glen you were to call forth your animal guide from the tree line and he would emerge…you could ask him a question…blah blah.. he would take you to the SON/SUN for a gift etc….Afterwards we went round the group and asked about each others experience. When it came Vern’s turn to “Share” the teacher asked him.

    Well Vern, Did you find the glen?

    “Yes sir”  -he said with his hands folded lightly on his lap.

    Goooood, Vern, did you ask for a spiritual guide to emerge from the tree line?

    “Ugh huh, sure did”, he had a grin on his face like he had really learned something important which surprised me.

    And did you ask him to take you to the SON/SUN?

    Vern quickly blurted out – from a very spiritual place all his own – “Hell no! It was a 12 point buck. I shot that mother. Course, I knew you hippie folks was medi-tating so I shot him with my bow and arrow. Right through the heart. That wiley rascal never knew what hit him!

    Word to the wise…..when trying to  enlighten a redneck…… use a high beam spotlight. And when working thru the issues that you are sure you already processed and digested  – don’t be surprised if you don’t have to go back and spend some time chewing your cud to get it all to go down for good.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana