Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: understanding

  • It does get better…..

    There are times in life when that simple phrase “It does get better”, seems not only impossible but down right offensive. How can THIS get better, this loss, this crisis, this upheaval  or tragedy? How can I forget, let go or hope. I’ll tell you how. It’s called CHOICE.

    Choice steers the bus down a better road. It DOES get better.

    Time has the ability to heal all wounds. That doesn’t mean it won’t leave a scar. It just means at some point the bleeding stops and the pain lessens. And though scars can fade they never really go away. They just become part of the landscape.

    Things do get better.

    Rain follows drought. Peace follows turmoil. New life takes the place left vacant by the old. People you couldn’t count on are replaced by those you can. Fear is replaced by determination and progress becomes the master of stagnation.

    Focus on what is in front of you. The past is already set and done, its outcome already decided. You cannot change it. You can only change the way in which you choose to view it and move forward. A multitude of choices line up in front of you like a breakfast buffet. What you put on your plate is up to you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • TOUCHDOWN!!!!!…..

    NO PAIN  – NO GAIN! Yep that is the mantra of FOOTBALL…It’s finally  fall and time for tailgating and grid iron match ups on Sundays in America. The touchdowns and field goals are  bringing folks to their feet! Even I did an impromptu “end-zone celebration” in the middle of my living room after my team, the TEXANS won today. Winning feels gooooood.  The players leave it all out on the field. But with all the rewards comes the injury reports after every game. Pulled ham strings, broken hands, groin injuries, all are painful reminders that it takes all out effort to win.

    So it goes with life. If you play it safe and take it easy you probably won’t have much heart-ache or misery in life. Sitting on the side line is safe but  it won’t get you noticed and let’s face it, even you are bored by just sitting there game after game after game.  But when you get on the field and give it your all there are going to be consequences. You’re gonna get  bumped, bruised and sometimes terribly hurt. The pain is not to make you miserable. It’s there to make you AWARE…. Aware of what it takes to win. Aware of the people that surround you that help you get where you wanna go. Aware of your own courage  to take the challenge.You can’t appreciate the win if you are not aware of the struggle to get there.

    Life is meant to be lived. NO PAIN – NO GAIN!  Friends and family pass away, relationships fail and children may disappoint. But it is all there to make us MORE AWARE of all the good we have and all the progress we are making.

    To be AWARE is to be ENLIGHTENED. It takes a champion to stand in the spotlight!

    I love each and every one of you…and today I love my TEXANS just a little bit more.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Pull your head out…..

    There comes a time in life when just putting on your big girl panties isn’t enough armor to get you through the crisis. I know.  It is hard to imagine.

    In those rare instances I become….the turtle. I pull in my short, stubby little front hands badly in need of a manicure. I tuck in my chubby little back legs and pull my knobby head in tight…and WA LA! I am invisible and protected inside a  dark, stylishly minimalistic, yet cramped shell.

    Well…it works for a while. Silence. Solitude. Eventually I got lonely and sent up a few flares to a select few and said “Wanna come over?”…It’s safer for me here.  Come on! ….come over!…I’ll make room!!!  But I get no takers because they can see that it’s a tight squeeze for one, much less a table for two, and the odds that I had bathed were slim to none. But I stay there. In the silence….solitude….scared, till the festering funk that is my confines becomes too toxic to live in.

    I stuck my head out today…and there was light…and fresh air…and room to stretch my legs. Oddly enough….no one attacked. It felt good.

    there had come a point where I  changed my focus from “ME” on the inside to “THEM” on the outside…and I could only talk to THEM – OUT THERE. I found that some people’s crisis were still going on. Some just needed a pat on the back.  Some were just waiting on a clean pair of Big GIRL PANTIES and some were waiting for major reinforcements. I couldn’t contribute to anyone as long as all I saw was the inside of my own shell. So today, I outgrew my shell.

    My Father died 11 days ago. I FEARED feeling too much. I FEARED not feeling enough. I found out that what I felt was just right and that the only one keeping score…was me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Traveling Light…..

    Denver Jenkins Wathen Jr. left this world September 15, 2011 at 3:55pm the same way he came into it March 22, 1931, surrounded by family.

    It was not the ending any of us would have predicted, but one I think none of us would ever trade.

    I have learned more about my father in the last few weeks than he ever cared to tell me in all my 48 yrs. I’ve looked thru his records, a disintegrating birth certificate, diplomas, military discharge papers, divorce decrees and  every picture I could find. I peeled back the layers of wrapping paper and found a person in the center of the box.

    He was not perfect, just human. Subject to all the hazards and consequences we all must face through life. I was able to see the things that jaded him and the circumstances that made him shy away from being the husband and father we wished he could have been.

    None of us will ever know the real Denver, what he thought or what he felt.  But I think I got as close as I was ever meant to these final days.

    God wanted me to SEE him as  a fellow human being. Just a person who filled his bag with life experiences and at the end had to stand at the dock and empty that bag piece by piece, re-examining each experience  till the only thing left in the bottom of the bag was the coin for the Ferryman.

    Today he set his burdens down and tonight he is traveling light once again.

     

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Confidence is sexy….

    I’ve been brooding the past few days over a post that encouraged people to read my blog. Which should be good, right??  Blogs by nature are out there to be read by anyone with access to the internet and so when you expose your thoughts and views to the world you have hopes that others will be entertained, enlightened or find a kinship in your thoughts. However, there are those that will stumble upon you and target you for ridicule and use as a tool to make them feel better about themselves.

    So was the post this past week. A man in Tunisia, all the way around the world, posted the link for Diary of a Mad * FAT * WOMAN on his Facebook page with the comment, “Look at this fat lady trying to be sexy. hahaha. Check it out!“. Hmmmm. My first thought was WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU? that quickly gave way to me blocking him from the Facebook page of DOAMFW. Besides, I didn’t recall posting ANY picture of myself trying to look sexy so I’m not sure what this guy was making a fuss about. And I certainly wasn’t going to feed his ego and little man syndrome by allowing him to abuse me on my own site. BYE-BYE Mr. Tunisia!

    No, it’s not the first time, and no, I am not shocked. I have dealt with bullies all my life making crude comments about my weight. And I have endured the flip side of the coin and have had men write me about my blog saying how much they LOVED fat women. I am equally repulsed by both. Which has nothing to do with my being gay though men are the only ones swinging to  extremes on the love/hate meter.

    Diary of a MAD * FAT* WOMAN isn’t about being crazy or pissed off. Though I have certainly been both in my day. It’s about the ups and downs life hands out to us and how we handle it. It’s not about BEING FAT, it’s about being a CONFIDENT WOMAN at any size.

    I am overweight. NO DOUBT. And by today’s rules of extra thin perfection I shouldn’t EVER dare to be or feel sexy without being subject to public ridicule. And yet I KNOW what being sexy feels and looks like.

    I have felt sexy when a lover smiled at the sight of me regardless of what I was wearing or how long my day had been. I have felt sexy when they melted into me with a long, warm enveloping hug and they relaxed away their problems in that embrace. I saw sexy when their confidence soared because I gave them room to try new things without judgement. We were sexy together when we felt comfortable surrendering to each other without hesitation. That level of trust is the sexiest thing I have ever encountered. It wasn’t a size or shape, a color or class. It was the confidence in the connection we shared. That’s what sexy is to me.

    I feel compassion for the man in Tunisia who sought to bolster his own image with his friends by ridiculing the image he saw of me. His vision is so limited he might as well have been blind. He has probably passed by the most  incredible people  in his life because they didn’t meet his superficial standards. What a loss.  As we say in the South…Bless his heart.

    And bless your heart and my heart. SEXY has a way of finding you when you least expect it.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Snapshot…..

    Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

    SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

    I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

    The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    **Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Skinny-Dipping…..

    And now ladies and gentlemen, the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Can FAT people SKINNY dip ? HELL YES!

    There is a HUGE misconception that overweight people CAN’T do a lot of things that everyone else can. Now granted, I personally can’t run a marathon but Kelly Gneiting, an ex-sumo wrestler who weighs 400 lbs ran one this year in California.

    The OTHER huge misconception is that overweight people are unintelligent. That if they can’t manage something as simple as their diet then they are asking to be the “go to” punch line. Society has more compassion for alcoholics, smokers, anorexics and drug addicts than they do anyone overweight. And when the opportunity presents itself – a mob mentality can take hold.

    Recently, I saw a photo of a political protest and the man was carrying a sign which had two misspelled words on it. It was posted on a website for the opposition. First the critiques were on his spelling. Then the nasty came out. Comments were made by viewers almost immediately. “No wonder he can’t spell – look how fat he is”. REALLY???? I thought to myself…and then I kept reading, the feeding frenzy continued… “Look at the muffin top on the one in front of him” they remarked about one woman..”Figures, they’re all overweight and stupid – no wonder they can’t read the constitution” chimed another. The flash “FAT” mob was in full force. A protest on Unconstitutional Legislation was reduced in 58 posts to tasteless and rude commentaries on a persons physical appearance.

    I was blown away. And PISSED. WHY was this happening? The jabs and jokes continued throughout the thread. I was absolutely dumb founded that no one made an attempt to keep the discussion on point.

    To say I hate what politics has become in America is an understatement. Civilized debates about issues that directly affect our country have taken LAST place to insults and personal jabs at differences that define us as HUMAN. The media, PR firms and campaign coordinators make a point to set their sights on everything from religious differences to hair styles, regional drawl to summer jobs when they were 16 but mostly – how they look. ARE THEY PRESIDENTIAL? DO THEY HAVE THE LOOK?

    64% of adults in America are classified as overweight and 34% are considered OBESE. The only thing that can keep an overweight person from learning is trying to learn in a hostel and vicious environment, and even then we persist. Just ask OPRAH. Grow up people! If you want to argue POLITICS be informed about the issues. If the basis of your argument is “you win because you’re thin”…then don’t count on getting a lot of votes come election time cause I have serious concerns about YOUR IQ.

    I’m gonna go skinny dipping now!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Snickers and God…..

    Being an adult is not a CHOICE…it is a status, a place on the timeline of life. By definition: somebody who has reached the age of legal majority, generally 18 years of age in the United States

    Now, just because you are an adult doesn’t make you mature or responsible. All that comes from experience, practice and pure intent. Sometimes I choose to be a kid, foot loose and fancy free. I wear PJ’s with cartoon characters on them and pink fuzzy socks. I carry a Bobby Sherman lunch box from the 1970’s to work and tell inappropriate jokes when laughing out loud is even less appropriate. I play with rubber ducks in the bathtub and swear chocolate milk tastes better when sucked through a silly straw. I love to brag about eating a yummie frozen Snickers Peanut Butter Sq. to my FACEBOOK friends while watching my favorite TV show. But there comes a day when you have to grow up, even if just for a day. That can always be a challenge.

    I knew a woman who always said when she needed to change her frame of mind or situation that she was “Ripping off the band-aide”. It’s drastic and sudden and supposed to get the pain over and done with as soon as possible. That’s how she “broke thru to the other side”. That’s exactly what it feels like to set aside your childhood, rip it off  like a band-aide and walk into a hospital room of a dying man that’s supposed to be your father and be the adult in the room.

    Many people see the final days of a parent’s life as a time to make peace. A time to make amends before it’s too late. There’s a chance to say your goodbyes and you’re sorry. How you should have done better or just be there to give them the chance to do the same.  I’ve learned the hard way that there is no making peace with my father. Only making peace ABOUT him in my own mind and heart. There is nothing he can give me or any of us at this point. These final days for me are about compassion. Whether he realizes it or not, I am there as much as I can be. My concerns are simple. I have compassion for his comfort and that he not suffer if we can prevent it.

    The closer he gets to dying the uglier his tone and comments get. It can test the compassion of even a saint. Somehow, the comments and barbs don’t cut near as deep or sting near as long as they once did. He’s angry, scared, weak and confused. He is no longer the adult in control and I am no longer a little girl stung by his opinion. We will all get through this.

    God has a plan and a system. I am who I am in part because of my father. So whether it was good, bad or indifferent it really doesn’t matter. I’m okay with how I turned out. I know that God’s plan doesn’t allow all that ugly to pass thru to the other side. My father will forget what he was scared of and who he was mad at, who he hurt and where he fell short. He will find his peace on the other side.  And when all is said and done I will make my peace here. I will return to being footloose and fancy free. I will find moments to be a kid again. God and I will share a joke, a frozen Snickers and point out all the tall blondes with tans that pass by. Cause that’s what God and I do. We muddle. Sometimes we muddle together side by side and other times he throws me on the nearest Home Depot flat-bed cart and pulls me along for the ride. We still get there together. I am never alone. Snickers and God. It’s a good combination.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • Love Spell…..

    I admit. It ain’t easy being me. LIFE is simple, it’s just not always easy. And there in lies the rub. I’m not talking about the annoying RUB that happens when you forget to wear your bicycle shorts under your skirt either. You know what I am talking about, some of us have issues. Especially in this 110 degree heat. A big girl’s rubenesque thighs, when darting to the BOGO at Lane Bryant, can rub together with enough friction and force to set off a small forest fire for sure. And HELLO….haven’t you heard? There is a BURN BAN. Yet another reason to tend to your bits and pieces and keep your yard work done! Just saying!

    Oh, sorry…my thighs took me off track.

    LIFE is simple. Change is SIMPLE. Neither is EASY.  WTF?  Right?

    Example #1: I AM NOT A HOARDER! But why do I find it so hard to bag up a whole entire drawer of belts that I never wear, that do not fit and even if they did I wouldn’t wear. Some are extra cheap and came with outfits, some I bought during my “Cowgirl” stage and some I’m sure are leftovers discarded and left behind by more than one ex-lover…It’s SIMPLE – Bag and tag. DONATE.

    Example #2: I have a bottle of LOVE SPELL from Victoria Secret that my ex-lover gave me when we were dating, you know…that whole “spray this on your pillow and think of me” bit. I’m not too proud to say I did just that on more than one occasion but since we are no longer together and haven’t been for more than a year it just seemed cheesy. It sat on my dresser for ever….then I dared to actually wear it myself cause I do really like the way it smelled. And yes…I did worry that someone would NOTICE that I smelled like HER and look at me like I had two heads. Of course that never happened. Today, I used the last of it and should have just tossed the bottle….but….but….but…..I couldn’t do it. Sounds pretty SIMPLE though right? Throw it away! It’s not like I collect empty containers…shampoo and mouthwash bottles do not line my driveway! And it’s not like she’s going to come back some day and want to know where her toothbrush, belt and body splash went!  I know without a doubt that I won’t ever buy LOVE SPELL body splash for myself. Though the thought of going into a Victoria Secret store at the mall and watching the sales girl’s face fall when I walk in to SHOP is pretty priceless since nothing in the store could cover my left tit. I KNOW: Bag it – tag it – toss it.

    Example #3: I already know that if I take the time to pack all my Scooby Snacks and eat properly every day that I FEEL better. I know that it is important to keep up with all my medications for this and that. I know I need to exercise to keep ahead of the game as much as possible. I know that I’m on a short leash here….but I still find it hard to make the TIME to make it important. The simple thing is TIME already exists. It’s not something I have to make up. The program is easy. The process is easy. The time is there. Why is it when you put it all together it just seems so difficult? Bag it – tag it and pack it up!

    Having the perception that ANY of these things is HARD is a conscious choice on my part and a battle that I have created within myself. Change is simple -just let go.  Life is simple….be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t wait for the world to change to join the ride or you will most certainly miss the party!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Blue days…..

    Blue days have a way of sneaking up on me. I guess I looked as pitiful as a kitten who couldn’t go out to play yesterday afternoon. The A/C was out when I got home and the maintenance worker dropped by to check it out. He has been to my unit several times before since I moved in last December and he is sweet as he can be and no bigger than a minute. Lucky for him there isn’t a maintenance man chart that says , “Must be this tall to be a repair man”, or he would have been in some serious trouble. We exchanged the normal niceties and he went about his chores. He changed the filter and added freon and soon I was good to go.

    He climbed down from his ladder and stood there wiping his hands on his rag. He stashed the rumpled fabric  in his hip pocket, lifted the ladder and started to go but hesitated, set down the ladder  and asked me very politely if not in perfect English, “Ma’am, do you mind I tell you something?”…I thought he was going to tell me how to program the damn computerized thermostat or how to save on my electric bill. Instead he looked me straight in the eye and said in the most loving voice.

    “Ma’am, I always like seeing you in the hallways  and always love come to your unit. When I walk in, is refreshing with clean smells, energy  and happiness. Today, I think you are no happy. I come in the door and I don’t feel your smile. Please, take time and put you beautiful smile back on, for me, please. So beautiful you’re smile. Makes everyone happy to see.”

    Wow, a repair man AND a therapist. Talk about amenities! Do I know where to live or what?

    In less than 24 hours of coming home from a great weekend I had slid right into a BLUE DAY.

    I am forced to face yet another round of doctor appointments for a heart that just can’t seem to find a beat. At least, not a regular one anyway. I’ve put it off for weeks busy riding the wave of life! But the wave crashed the shores and I have run out of excuses to ignore it any longer. The worse side effects of an abnormal heart beat are the water retention and the over whelming feeling of being just too damn tired to move. So I laid on the couch and thought about what my little man had to say.

    He didn’t “feel my smile” last night cause I just couldn’t find one. It had left the building. Getting it back, I realize, is just a choice away. A decision to change how I feel inside and out. To be thankful for what I have. I have more than some and less than many but always plenty to share. To love the people who love me and bless those that don’t and yes, there are actually a few out there. To appreciate the moments and live in the now cause yesterday is just a memory that will fade with time.  For every day is a gift…Some days you need a bow, shiny paper and even some curly ribbons  to wrap it up and make it look pretty….but it is a gift none the less.

    I love each and every one of you. If you weren’t in my life there would be no life worth having.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen