Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: spiritual

  • Seasons change…..And so do I…..

    There is this incredible moment ….a moment so hard to go back and pin point that you might as well not even try. A moment you just accept  as having happened as soon as you become AWARE of it.

    The AWARENESS comes well after the MOMENT.

    I sat today as I drove between jobs and tried to think…was it yesterday? …the day before? Or Monday….was it Monday??? I had to laugh to myself. The “WHEN” and “HOW” really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the end results  that matter.

    Like many, I have actively struggled with negative feelings, fears and phobias for years. I have struggled to let them go and purge them from my daily existence. I worked to let go of anger and I’ve prayed to be released from the stranglehold of unhealthy emotions. I have read books and done meditations to find that peaceful place where these things can no longer touch me.

    Through my studies I have discovered that you can say the words, even with conviction, like “I forgive you”, “I am worthy”…or “I’m not in love this person anymore”…but it is something else  entirely to believe it and live it. The elusive goal is to no longer feel anger in the back of your throat when you speak a name, to no longer feel a longing in your heart when you hear the name of another or fear a situation. And ultimately, to gather yourself in confidence and move on without regret.

    I had that moment today…that AWARENESS moment when I realized that the season in my life had changed and I wasn’t just ready to move on but that I already had. I felt no attachment to the past and the bag of rocks I had left beside the road somewhere along the way. I couldn’t even tell you how many miles back I had dropped the burden. I was just AWARE of traveling lighter.

    With that lightness today came a joy that had been missing in my life for a long time. It’s was like welcoming a new season…rejoicing in the falls first cold front to break the oppressive heat of a dry Texas summer. There is a crispness in the air, a  lightness in my step and I know that Christmas is just around the corner. Life is a gift…sometimes it even has a bow on it!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Coming home…..

    Home is where the heart is. Sometimes that can be a pretty hard address to find. I think today I got a little directional assistance.

    For years the drive back to see my mom in my hometown always filled me with trepidation. It’s only 45 minutes north. It might as well be 4 hours. I would feel a knot in my stomach long before I ever got in the car much less down the road. It wasn’t her….It was him. I was always uneasy, never knowing what kind of mood my father might be in and what snippy comment he might have in stored for me.  He had an uncanny knack for sniffing out a persons weakest spot and zeroing in on it. He would nip at it over and over like a little yappie dog. The only way to get away from the noise was to leave. I had an internal alarm clock set to two hours – that was about my max. Then on the road and back home where I knew I could finally breath again.

    In the last year the drive was made more complicated and uneasy by having to drive right past the road that led to my ex’s. Many a time I would find myself on the feeder road having exited without realizing it. It was just second nature. I never traveled past it without thinking about the home, the kids and even the dog that lay just down the road. It just became part of the ordeal in going to my parents house.

    Today, the tides changed. I was singing along to classic rock… Freddie Mercury and Queen…bad Company, Jefferson Airplane….I was ROCK’IN! And suddenly, I found myself across the river bridge and approaching downtown Conroe. I giggled to myself because honestly, I was a little taken aback. I had made it from my house to Conroe and NOT thought about ….ANYTHING. WOW!…and then I realized the knot in my stomach that had been there every time I crossed that river bridge for years wasn’t there either. In Fact…I was looking forward to getting out to the house and seeing my mother and the progress she has made on cleaning out the house since my fathers passing 30 days ago.

    I picked her up and we went to town for some light shopping and lunch. She shared with me that the lady she walked with every morning asked her how she was “really” feeling. She told me she just didn’t feel anything. She wondered out loud if that made her a bad person. I assured her it did not. Because I feel the same.

    I don’t feel sad. Some things I used to feel sad about. Like taking the wrong exit when my life no longer lies down the end of a particular road. But I don’t feel sad anymore. About that or my dad. Both were just  unfortunate circumstances with unfortunate endings.

    My heart is healing and I could actually feel that today. It felt just like “coming home” should feel.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • The common sense of giving…..

    When you give a homeless man a dollar on the street, you would never expect him to give you a dollar the next day or next year. You gave it because you had it to spare and he had none.You have no expectations of ever seeing that dollar again and you go on with your life. If you didn’t have that dollar in your pocket – you would not have offered it.This is the common sense of giving.

    I keep running into people who complain and actually work themselves into a tizzie explaining that they give and give to friends, co-workers, or loved ones and that those people never reciprocate. Somehow, simply knowing the person they are giving too wraps a layer of immense expectation around the gifts whether the gift is money, time or attention. Often…it is because they gave when they didn’t have it to spare or they had to make adjustments in their own lives to be able to offer the gift.

    Examples range from:

    I was there for my sister when her marriage failed she can’t spare 10 minutes and a cup of coffee to listen to my troubles.

    I did without for years so my children would have what they need. Now they are working and I need help and it doesn’t even dawn on them that I might need help in my later years.

    I volunteer for extra shifts all the time for one of my co-workers when they have special occasions they want to take off for and I can’t ever get her to take a shift for me when I need it.

    I make compromises in my relationship with my lover and she never seems to be willing to negotiate and meet me halfway.

    Stop looking to the SISTER to give you the time back. Stop expecting the support you gave to come back to you from the person you gave it to.

    DO NOT GIVE WHAT YOU CANNOT SPARE

    AND

    DO NOT GIVE WITH CONDITIONS:

    THAT IS NOT GIVING….

    IT IS HEDGING A BET THEY THAT INDIVIDUAL WILL GIVE IT BACK WHEN YOU NEED IT.

    Give freely all your gifts of love, attention and support to the people that are in need in your life. Give without expectation just as you would give to the homeless man on the corner . The gifts will come back to you from a hundred different directions if you just stop looking for it and let it. “Letting” it means, not looking for it because you are most certainly not looking in the right place. It just makes common sense.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • It does get better…..

    There are times in life when that simple phrase “It does get better”, seems not only impossible but down right offensive. How can THIS get better, this loss, this crisis, this upheaval  or tragedy? How can I forget, let go or hope. I’ll tell you how. It’s called CHOICE.

    Choice steers the bus down a better road. It DOES get better.

    Time has the ability to heal all wounds. That doesn’t mean it won’t leave a scar. It just means at some point the bleeding stops and the pain lessens. And though scars can fade they never really go away. They just become part of the landscape.

    Things do get better.

    Rain follows drought. Peace follows turmoil. New life takes the place left vacant by the old. People you couldn’t count on are replaced by those you can. Fear is replaced by determination and progress becomes the master of stagnation.

    Focus on what is in front of you. The past is already set and done, its outcome already decided. You cannot change it. You can only change the way in which you choose to view it and move forward. A multitude of choices line up in front of you like a breakfast buffet. What you put on your plate is up to you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • TOUCHDOWN!!!!!…..

    NO PAIN  – NO GAIN! Yep that is the mantra of FOOTBALL…It’s finally  fall and time for tailgating and grid iron match ups on Sundays in America. The touchdowns and field goals are  bringing folks to their feet! Even I did an impromptu “end-zone celebration” in the middle of my living room after my team, the TEXANS won today. Winning feels gooooood.  The players leave it all out on the field. But with all the rewards comes the injury reports after every game. Pulled ham strings, broken hands, groin injuries, all are painful reminders that it takes all out effort to win.

    So it goes with life. If you play it safe and take it easy you probably won’t have much heart-ache or misery in life. Sitting on the side line is safe but  it won’t get you noticed and let’s face it, even you are bored by just sitting there game after game after game.  But when you get on the field and give it your all there are going to be consequences. You’re gonna get  bumped, bruised and sometimes terribly hurt. The pain is not to make you miserable. It’s there to make you AWARE…. Aware of what it takes to win. Aware of the people that surround you that help you get where you wanna go. Aware of your own courage  to take the challenge.You can’t appreciate the win if you are not aware of the struggle to get there.

    Life is meant to be lived. NO PAIN – NO GAIN!  Friends and family pass away, relationships fail and children may disappoint. But it is all there to make us MORE AWARE of all the good we have and all the progress we are making.

    To be AWARE is to be ENLIGHTENED. It takes a champion to stand in the spotlight!

    I love each and every one of you…and today I love my TEXANS just a little bit more.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Move according to your heart…..

    Follow your heart…it is an age old saying. But today…so many of us have been trained and conditioned to be such “LEADERS” in our lives and communities that we rarely allow ourselves to relax and  “FOLLOW” much of anything. We precieve “following” as the weaker option and therefore the lessor or least likely choice

    There is some much concentration on the daily challenges, expectations and conflicts that all we see are the expected roadblocks in our lives. We no longer see the beauty or our power within us to enjoy LIFE.  Hyper-Tunnel vision has us so focused on recognizing the chains that bind that we don’t take notice of the fact that the lock is open. And that all we have to do is unhook the padlock and the chains will fall away.

    Instead of waiting for someone or something to FOLLOW. Rest and relax in your spirit. Listen to your heart…..MOVE according to your heart.

    MOVE ACCORDING TO YOUR HEART…..It knows you better than anyone. It will not lead you astray.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Pull your head out…..

    There comes a time in life when just putting on your big girl panties isn’t enough armor to get you through the crisis. I know.  It is hard to imagine.

    In those rare instances I become….the turtle. I pull in my short, stubby little front hands badly in need of a manicure. I tuck in my chubby little back legs and pull my knobby head in tight…and WA LA! I am invisible and protected inside a  dark, stylishly minimalistic, yet cramped shell.

    Well…it works for a while. Silence. Solitude. Eventually I got lonely and sent up a few flares to a select few and said “Wanna come over?”…It’s safer for me here.  Come on! ….come over!…I’ll make room!!!  But I get no takers because they can see that it’s a tight squeeze for one, much less a table for two, and the odds that I had bathed were slim to none. But I stay there. In the silence….solitude….scared, till the festering funk that is my confines becomes too toxic to live in.

    I stuck my head out today…and there was light…and fresh air…and room to stretch my legs. Oddly enough….no one attacked. It felt good.

    there had come a point where I  changed my focus from “ME” on the inside to “THEM” on the outside…and I could only talk to THEM – OUT THERE. I found that some people’s crisis were still going on. Some just needed a pat on the back.  Some were just waiting on a clean pair of Big GIRL PANTIES and some were waiting for major reinforcements. I couldn’t contribute to anyone as long as all I saw was the inside of my own shell. So today, I outgrew my shell.

    My Father died 11 days ago. I FEARED feeling too much. I FEARED not feeling enough. I found out that what I felt was just right and that the only one keeping score…was me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • The eye of the storm…..

    Like any experienced gulf coast resident I know how to prepare for a hurricane. In July, my father was given six months to live. As with any storm I knew this timetable could change. He had been a tropical disturbance for years brewing in the gulf that we all kept a weary eye on. And now he was gaining strength and about to make landfall.

    So I put into practice what I knew. I monitored the storm day to day and made the necessary adjustments as it accelerated and the cone that projected it’s path narrowed. I made a plan and I prepared.

    I thought I was in the clear or at least on the clean side of the storm. I thought all my preparations would serve me well. I had given up on any further attempts to “connect” with my father. It just wasn’t going to happen. So I made the best peace about him that I could. I moved into preparation mode and poured over papers and information about the five steps of dying, burial policies and what benefits would be due to my mother. I tended to the business of dying and the necessities for survival.

    As landfall grew closer I wrote an obituary, put together a slide show of photos of his life and began to prepare his eulogy. So many things I never knew came to light as the timeline took shape of the life he lived and the experiences that formed his opinions and attitudes towards his family and life.

    He passed the afternoon of September 15th at 3:55pm. Little did I realize that that would be the calm eye of the storm and that the dirty side of damaging winds and devastating floods would follow me home after the service, after everything and everyone else had been tended to.

    I came home to my own fears and my own disappointments. The guests who came to the memorial service were a virtual timeline of my own life. Teachers, friends, family as well as ex-lovers and former friends all doing “The right thing” and coming to the service for a man few knew and many had never even met. They came for my sake and the sake of my family. It brought up good memories and bad from my life. It had little to do with my father. Memories of a former classmate and close childhood friend whose mother came to pay respects and to remind me her son had been gone 17 yrs. She wondered aloud if we still remembered him. I do – everyday. Teachers were there to remind me to see the life lesson. Family was there to remind me that it was my mothers grief and recovery that was most important. My friends were there to remind me that I never have to face the world alone unless I just need to.

    I felt I needed to this time. I hid myself away from phone calls, texts and visits. I needed to let go of the man I never felt close to or loved by. And it was just one of my challenges. At the memorial I had embraced the woman I had at one time given my heart to and felt her momentary comfort – only to have to let it go all over again. I watched the friend I  love so dearly walk in and walk out like a brief blip on the radar.

    I found myself trying for days to ride out the worse of the storm after the service. Battered by the winds and drowning in the flood waters I have struggled to hang on. And then it dawned on me tonight to take control. To not wait for the winds to die and the storm to pass because life is like a storm and it never really leaves. Like a merry-go- round it spins round and round and the closer to the edge you are ,the dizzier you get and the harder it is to hold on. I had been riding the edge of the storm and was exhausted and delirious.

    A voice said…..”Move to the center. Relax and be calm”.

    Can it really be that simple? Just change your grip and move to the middle. There is a peace  and quiet there. I crave it. I need it. Tonight I will rest in that peace.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Traveling Light…..

    Denver Jenkins Wathen Jr. left this world September 15, 2011 at 3:55pm the same way he came into it March 22, 1931, surrounded by family.

    It was not the ending any of us would have predicted, but one I think none of us would ever trade.

    I have learned more about my father in the last few weeks than he ever cared to tell me in all my 48 yrs. I’ve looked thru his records, a disintegrating birth certificate, diplomas, military discharge papers, divorce decrees and  every picture I could find. I peeled back the layers of wrapping paper and found a person in the center of the box.

    He was not perfect, just human. Subject to all the hazards and consequences we all must face through life. I was able to see the things that jaded him and the circumstances that made him shy away from being the husband and father we wished he could have been.

    None of us will ever know the real Denver, what he thought or what he felt.  But I think I got as close as I was ever meant to these final days.

    God wanted me to SEE him as  a fellow human being. Just a person who filled his bag with life experiences and at the end had to stand at the dock and empty that bag piece by piece, re-examining each experience  till the only thing left in the bottom of the bag was the coin for the Ferryman.

    Today he set his burdens down and tonight he is traveling light once again.

     

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • The Test of Time…..

    For the third time in 30 yrs a rag-tag group of artists, musicians and actors will gather to share some “rock star” stories and fun in the sun.  The site of this years mischief is Surfside, Texas. Right on the beach. Aghhhhhhhh. Let me hear an amen!

    Some folks are flying in and some are driving and I suspect I would crawl if I had to. We will pay homage to our ill spent youth and our high school Drama teacher,  Ma Bell, who I am thrilled to say will join us again. We will dine on fresh seafood and devour copious amounts of margaritas and sing till we can’t utter a sound. Then we will get up and do it again…and again till they make us go home on Sunday.

    I’m not sure what it is that has been the glue to keep us all so connected except to say – sometimes a teacher can give you more than a good schooling. They can give you life, a foundation that can be built upon for years. It’s not what we learned in class as much as it was what we learned thru the many hours of rehearsals and shows. We learned about ourselves and each other in ways that go beyond any class room in the country. We learned who we were and who we wanted to be and how to get there. We learned that regardless of what our circumstances may be – we could always write an alternate ending.

    I  learned I was not an island. I had to trust others like my director and fellow performers. I learned to reveal my most vulnerable parts because an audience really can tell when you’re faking it. I became aware of the fact that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end and no matter what.  The show must go on! .  There are no small parts, only small-minded people. The small-minded people have fallen away from the group and the foundation remains. All, still, just a phone call or click away when any of us need a friend.

    We’ve all needed some shoring up from time to time. Times are hard. Life is hard….but we have stood the test of time. Being there for each other just gets easier and easier.

    SO I am OFF this afternoon. Car packed and ready to go, just waiting for the proverbial “work whistle” to sound that the day is done. I’ll drive down at sunset and what a grand drive it will be.

    I love each and every one of you…but this weekend I love a crazy group of Artists, Actors and Musicians and one special teacher just a tad bit more.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen