Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: self esteem

  • Oprah moment.

    Would Oprah be Oprah if she had a different past? Would she have the extraordinary compassion and ability to relate to all types of personal trials and tribulations had she not come from a broken and dysfunctional family and challenging early years?

    We all know at least bits and pieces of the story. Her mother was absent most of her life and she was raised by a grandmother and later sent to her father. She was sexually abused by family members and plagued by years of weight issues and yet she has become one of the most influential people on the planet. How can all that be chance?

    How much of my own life has been chance?

    A cousin of my father’s contacted me this week on Facebook for his current mailing address. She said as a casual matter of fact that he would be 80 yrs old in March and though she didn’t remember the exact date she would love to surprise him with a card. The sad fact was I neither realized he would be 80 nor did I know the date of his birth.

    My father was emotionally and at times physically absent all of my years. To learn to expect less from him I called him by his first name, Denver, since I was a teenager. It somehow softened the blow that he was not the “daddy” I thought I should have had.My siblings followed suit. He is DENVER to us all.

    I have to believe that I am who I should be and that in living in THIS moment all my past has led me to this instance. I am where I should be. I am being touched by and touching the lives and moments of the people I surround myself with for a reason. And today is good.

    In recognizing and truly absorbing that personal truth I have to say. It is never too late. Never too late to take the time to say thank you and celebrate the life of a spirit that had his own personal journey to master. Did he accomplish the goals he had for himself in life? Only he knows for sure and he is not likely to tell you one way or another. That’s okay. I am who I am because of the influences he had in my life. Whether I perceived them as negative or positive is neither here nor there. When you live in the NOW all is good. If you don’t like something about your life at this point it is your responsibility to change it.

    Time to run – I have a birthday party to plan.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Take no prisoners.

    The word of the day is SURRENDER:

    As defined by the dictionary as to declare yourself defeated: to declare to an opponent that he or she has won so that fighting or conflict can cease

    give up possession of something: to relinquish possession or control of something because of coercion or force.

    It all sounds rather negative to me. So how can I SURRENDER to my higher power? Who do I surrender too? The nagging fear of loss keeps me from letting go.

    I have surrendered in small isolated instances in the past. I have surrendered to an audience of thousands and felt them lift me to unexpected heights. I have surrendered in silence to a soul mate in a simple gaze. There is electricity in the air and my body adsorbs every bit of energy in the room. It is exhilarating and yet I still struggle to allow myself to feel that on a daily basis. I remind myself that I am worthy and deserve all that life has to offer. Yet I struggle. The conflict is real.

    But I realize that there is no outside force or foe.The battle is with myself and  I am in fact the one I need to surrender to.

    I surrender this day to my higher self. It is not a loss. It is a gift.I am not defeated, I am the victor.

    I will not allow conflict with myself to rule my day. Being kind to me and making healthy choices throughout my day is not something I have to coerce or force myself to do. It is a honor and a privilege  and worth taking the time to do.

    There is absolute freedom in ultimate surrender.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Believe

    I started this diary last year on my 47th birthday. Tomorrow marks the passing cycle of another 365 days.

    And what have I learned in this time?

    I’ve learned that when you dwell in fear you will lose what you were AFRAID of losing. The things that you were afraid might happen, happen. And the opportunities you were afraid would never come your way, never do.

    The flip side of the coin? When you have Faith, when you BELIEVE beyond a shadow of a doubt – you can move mountains.

    Now, I am certainly not interested in changing the topography of the world. But I am interested in changing MY world.

    My world starts with me. Over the next 365 days I will put my Faith in my abilities and talents to be a better and clearer expression of who I am. I will listen to that inner voice that says you are loved and you are beautiful in every way.

    And I will BELIEVE; in Family and Friendship, Hope, Charity and Love, Honesty, Freedom and Music. I Believe in ELVIS and I BELIEVE in ME.

    I believe in you too.

    God Bless

    Juliana

  • Happy New Year

    The commercials have already started this morning…LOSE WEIGHT NOW! SAY GOOD BYE TO THOSE HOLIDAY POUNDS! JOIN TODAY!!!

    Well, I can’t blame it on the holidays. I can’t BLAME it on anyone but myself. As far back as I can remember I have been presented with and  held on to feelings of rejection, unworthiness and isolation. I always felt that I lived on the outside looking in. For every embarrassment and for every ounce of shame, I put a pound of flesh in my pocket.

    Psychologist have written thousands of books on how the obese insulate and protect themselves with their weight. In reality…because we chose to hang on to the hurt and not see the lesson – we build up…not a wall to keep others out, that is a farce. We build ourselves into larger targets! We beg the universe to hit us again and again. Ask…and it shall be given. That is the law. I had no clue I knew how to use it so well and so simply.

    So the lessons kept coming for 48 yrs. In 2010 I experienced what I hope is my last rejection.  My last step backwards with my health. My last failed love affair. My last imposed self isolation.

    I release my “pound of flesh” for every embarrassment I have felt. A pound for each ounce of shame. I release each cell in my body that is not necessary to it’s positive function. I no longer see the need to be a target. I am a Child of God. Spirit within knows what I should look like and my body will adjust to this new consciousness.

    In reality I am all that I chose to be;  an Artist, Actress, Singer, Writer, Explorer, Gambler, Chef, Friend, Daughter, Niece, a shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime.  I am many things to many people. I am that I AM.

    Happy New Year

    And may 2011 be your best year ever. I know it will be mine.