Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: motivational

  • Love me , Love me not…..

    I love treats. All kinds of treats. I am treated on occasion to a  glimpse of a beautiful woman. One I know well, quite intimately in fact.   I don’t see her everyday. In fact, seeing her is as unpredictable as winning the Lottery. But it happens, when I least expect it. But always when I need it most.

    It took me a long time to get to know her. But I invested the time. I thought it would be worth the effort. Uncertain of my intentions, I was held at bay for a while. Which was to be expected. But not too terribly long as we had much in common. People, places and things. Common bridges to common destinations.

    She is strong. Do not doubt that, but so soft I think she might melt away some day. Her voice rings in  my ear and whispers encouraging words from a distance place. And I listen….intently. Soaking up all I can of the unseen energy.

    She told me her secrets and seems to know mine. She sees my potential and reminds me I deserve all life has to offer. She knows the answers before I ever ask the questions. She even said I was beautiful. Oh how I would like to believe that.

    It’s hard to always trust. To believe what you hear.

    The children’s rhyme chimes in. “She loves me, She loves me not, She loves me, She loves me not”….plucking petals from a flower I know the answer before the last petal falls. It took me a long time to find her. To love her  unconditionally. She is smart and witty, talented and beautiful, tender and loving. Does she love me? She does. How do I know?  Because she… is me.

    Loving others completely comes only when you can honestly love yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Blue days…..

    Blue days have a way of sneaking up on me. I guess I looked as pitiful as a kitten who couldn’t go out to play yesterday afternoon. The A/C was out when I got home and the maintenance worker dropped by to check it out. He has been to my unit several times before since I moved in last December and he is sweet as he can be and no bigger than a minute. Lucky for him there isn’t a maintenance man chart that says , “Must be this tall to be a repair man”, or he would have been in some serious trouble. We exchanged the normal niceties and he went about his chores. He changed the filter and added freon and soon I was good to go.

    He climbed down from his ladder and stood there wiping his hands on his rag. He stashed the rumpled fabric  in his hip pocket, lifted the ladder and started to go but hesitated, set down the ladder  and asked me very politely if not in perfect English, “Ma’am, do you mind I tell you something?”…I thought he was going to tell me how to program the damn computerized thermostat or how to save on my electric bill. Instead he looked me straight in the eye and said in the most loving voice.

    “Ma’am, I always like seeing you in the hallways  and always love come to your unit. When I walk in, is refreshing with clean smells, energy  and happiness. Today, I think you are no happy. I come in the door and I don’t feel your smile. Please, take time and put you beautiful smile back on, for me, please. So beautiful you’re smile. Makes everyone happy to see.”

    Wow, a repair man AND a therapist. Talk about amenities! Do I know where to live or what?

    In less than 24 hours of coming home from a great weekend I had slid right into a BLUE DAY.

    I am forced to face yet another round of doctor appointments for a heart that just can’t seem to find a beat. At least, not a regular one anyway. I’ve put it off for weeks busy riding the wave of life! But the wave crashed the shores and I have run out of excuses to ignore it any longer. The worse side effects of an abnormal heart beat are the water retention and the over whelming feeling of being just too damn tired to move. So I laid on the couch and thought about what my little man had to say.

    He didn’t “feel my smile” last night cause I just couldn’t find one. It had left the building. Getting it back, I realize, is just a choice away. A decision to change how I feel inside and out. To be thankful for what I have. I have more than some and less than many but always plenty to share. To love the people who love me and bless those that don’t and yes, there are actually a few out there. To appreciate the moments and live in the now cause yesterday is just a memory that will fade with time.  For every day is a gift…Some days you need a bow, shiny paper and even some curly ribbons  to wrap it up and make it look pretty….but it is a gift none the less.

    I love each and every one of you. If you weren’t in my life there would be no life worth having.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • From here to there and back again…..

    Footloose and fancy free…that is me! It seems I just can’t enough of you guys! I can cram more living into one weekend than a nun on a “hall pass”!

    Thanks go out to everyone who cheered me on at the Auditions for The Biggest Loser in Austin, Texas this weekend. I was so busy laughing all day I barely snapped a photo. Here it is in a nut shell. Imagine 600 overweight people lined up around a building in 100+ degree heat….We were sitting stuffed ducks on the water. Marketers from Medi-fast and Quick Weight Loss Centers weaved in and out of the crowd passing out promo laden water bottles and taking surveys. The best though was the taco truck that just kept circle the block like a shark on a seal colony. He smelled blood in the water and wasn’t leaving till he had emptied his truck! He had probably watched the morning news and heard the sound bite: Biggest Loser contestants will be lining up at the Lone Star Center.….he started seeing big, fat, juicy dollar signs $$$$$$$  and was out the door before he could even get his boxers on.

    8 hours in line led to a 5 minute interview with one casting assistant and 9 other contestants. We were asked as a group and answered down the line…name, age and occupation….then “how much do you want to lose?”….every one answered and we moved on to how many watch the show and have you entered before….finally she asks where is the best place to eat in Austin???? Thank you very much everyone – we’ll be calling you if you made call backs! It reminded me of the hand shake you get at the end of a dull date instead of a kiss….”I’ll call you”……….Sure!

    I had shown them the most I could in the shortest amount of time possible. My composite photo attached to my application showed more than anything, in fact it showed everything; community involvement, out-going, daring, social and cute as a button!!!

    But alas, we did not leave there with a lot of hope.  Gayle and I opted for Margarita’s at Chuy’s  instead of sitting by the phone and pining the evening away waiting on a call back.  My sweet friend Lisa joined us and I followed her home to Dripping Springs like a little lost puppy. I have dubbed her home, Club Venturini! The Italian egg breakfast was FAB-U-LOUS…..eat your heart out BIGGEST LOSER!

    Sunday meant time to hit the road. I needed to make it to “CHURCH” at Lake Conroe for the early evening services with the girls…and it was 4 hours away! My lil zoom-zoom car carried me along the Texas highways just fine…..The radio was blaring hits from the 80’s and I sang away, windows down and my hair whipping around me like crazy. I giggled at myself more than once cause I was having so much fun. I was footloose and fancy free….subject to my own whims and led by my own desires. Life is good and it will only get better.

    I AM the BIGGEST WINNER. The weight I have lost this last year has been mental. I’ve worked hard to release the past and let go of the hurt and the anger that came with it. It’s something I still work on everyday. But I just keep telling myself. Everyday is a gift! Live each one like it’s your last and you would be amazed how incredible your life becomes.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Dance with my father……

    My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”

    Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.

    I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.

    I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.

    I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses  to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.

    I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.

    What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.

    I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Video link to Dance with My Father.

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  • Top 10 list for a class reunion…..

     GOING WILD AND HAVING FUN – WE’RE THE CLASS OF ’81

    They just don’t make high school cheers the way they (we) used to. I have a  30 year high school class reunion in 11 days….yep 30 yrs….OMG!  Okay – that exclamation was not for the number of years but for the revelation I have experienced lately listening to all the 48 yr olds whine how “no one will remember who I am” and “I don’t think any one liked me back then” or “those people scared the hell out of me then why would I wanna see them NOW?”

    Take a breath…a deep, deep, deeeeep breath….(just like in the 80’s except without the funny lil pipe) and let it out……..

    GET OVER IT! You were not the wall flower you thought you were. You were not invisible for 4 years of school, 7 classes a day and just because you skipped the pep rally and went to the lake or to play darts and scarf down at beer at Weber’s BBQ before health class, we still have a pretty good recollection of who we went to school with.

    Here are some easy guidelines to get you through the weekend.

    1.) SOMEONE had a crush on you that you never knew about. He’ll probably blurt this out while introducing you to his 3rd wife. Don’t worry. He is harmless.

    2.) The guy you had a crush on that you were sure didn’t know you existed…he didn’t ask you out because he thought you were too pretty to say “yes” to him or what the hell. He’s just GAY – get over it!

    3.) And ANY BODY that introduces you to their partner? Most likely NOT who they work with but who they live with – again….get over it!

    4.) Those pretty girls that never offered to share their lip-gloss in the bathroom will be begging you to buy their Arbonne Cosmetic line out of the trunk of their car.

    5.) The guy that  hung out at the PATIO between classes with the long hair wearing rock concert t-shirts and jeans everyday with his leather “monkey knot” necklace from PDAP….retired CEO of an internet start up. The BENTLEY in the parking lot is his. He may have even tossed you his keys when he pulled up honestly mistaking you for the valet.

    6.) Speaking of hair – if they HAD hair – they may not now, be prepared. If they didn’t have boobs – well, the ones they bought in LA may put your eye out, be equally prepared.

    7.) If someone shows up in your personal space every blasted time you walk out of the bathroom…don’t panic. They are not stalking you, they just can’t hold their beer any better than you can.

    8.) BTW….Report all stalkers to Management.

    9.) If he’s divorced now…and you’re divorced and ….you’re thinking…. it’s fate….it’s probably the vodka…which is probably WHY you are divorced…and he’s divorced….proceed with caution.

    10.) If you’ve had a sex change operation and feel the need to show the former Cheerleaders & Pep Squad how they SHOULD have done it…go to the bar immediately and ask the bartender to find me  or Lori  Acker-Westmoreland, we have experience with  interventions.

    People change, people stay the same…I think it’s worth the risk to see the results.

    After all – I was just a shy, delicate flower in High School and I haven’t changed a bit.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Back in School…..

    Aghhhh the Lessons…..life is full of them. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes you have to repeat them over and over. First, you claim you just had a teacher that sucked and you just know you could have aced it if you just had a decent teacher. They were gunning for you from day one!

    The fact of the matter is LIFE IS A LESSON…and if you don’t GET IT the first time it will present itself over and over and over until YOU do get it!.

    Sometimes, distance gives us clarity and it is easy to see another person’s  life lesson because they are running parallel to our own experience. Compassion leads us to stick our nose in and offer our opinion. To raise the flag and say “Danger, danger Will Robinson!” Don’t feel like a failure if they don’t heed the warnings.

    In attempting to steer them away from the heart break or crisis you know is coming you are actually interfering with THEIR LIFE LESSON. Sometimes the lesson IS the heart break , the disappointment or defeat. Their lesson IS the crisis AND the recovery. If you interfere today, then you just delay their lesson till tomorrow.

    Show TRUE compassion, show the unconditional love of the Christ Consciousness. Allow people you care about to live out the lessons they have called into their own lives whether is be addiction, co-dependency or just plan fear to stand on their own two feet.  Support them with positive thoughts and prayer that they receive peace, love and perfect understanding from the Universe. THAT is Help. THAT is Compassion. THAT IS LOVE, BABY.

    Be happy that you worked thru YOUR life lesson and have moved on to the next. Allow them to do the same.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Wonder Woman…..

    Reluctantly I admit, that even though I have the cape, matching underwear and the whip, I am not a 21-year-old Super Hero. Damn it!

    I  am the 48-year-old woman who succumbed to heat exposure on Sunday whilst swimming & trying to blend the 4 shades of freckles on my body into a uniform tan. Alas, I must raise my hand and stand tall just like the twelve step program recommends and admit to myself and others that with this bevy of freckles, my tan looks more like an incomplete, faux finishing project at a Hobby Lobby class than a Hawaiian Tropics pin-up girl. Grrrrrrrrr.

    It has taken me till tonight to get back on my feet. So is the life of a girl with heart failure who pushes her physical  boundaries just a tad too much sometimes. Double Grrrrrr.

    So I spent the whole day yesterday lifeless and sleeping. Sleeping and dreaming. Dreaming and sleeping. It’s at these times I feel the gentle nudge of spiritual guardians reminding me to slow down and focus. To be more aware of my surroundings and the people in my life. To enjoy the moment and live in the present. To listen to my body and let it guide me. There is more time left than I can ever imagine and the concept of that time is always expanding.

    I have filtered out that which is unreal and embraced what is. I am that I am. I am here to experience the things that I am not so that I can know better that which I am. I am a trained singer, not a writer and yet I am a writer now and it is real. I’m not hiding behind other people’s words, emotions  and flowing melody in a song. I am writing my own. I am living my own. I don’t have to  hide behind the mask of a Super Diva any longer.

    I’m keeping the cape, the matching underwear………..and the whip….cause lets just face it – everybody likes a little dress up every now and then. wink…wink…nod…nod….

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Living in the Winners Circle…..

    To BE a winner you have to believe you ARE a winner. You have to talk the talk and walk the walk. If you have to fake it till you make it, then so be it!

    The alternative is to feed the negative side of life and live day to day as a victim. A victim of your circumstances AND YOUR OWN BELIEFS. You will be limited by your own perceived limitations. The manifestation of that powerful belief system transforms you into a magnet for all that you fear. Just like in the biblical story of JOB: “precisely that which he fears will be sent upon him”.

    I have lived that FEAR. I feared LIVING and put myself at deaths door. I feared LOVING and pushed away those I claimed to give my heart to. I feared LOSING and broke the delicate things I clung too. It is a hard lesson to learn. And even harder to realize that you called it all upon yourself. Who in their right mind would want to live that life of fear. And so I prayed that God restore my RIGHT MIND.

    The curtain has been lifted and now I see from the other side of the veil. I am a winner because I CHOSE to be. I am living because I do not fear life and all it’s riches any longer. I raise my trophy high and say, “WAY TO GO!” Because if I can’t see what an incredible, beautiful and gifted person I am , then how can I expect anyone else to see it?

    I AM A WINNER….and so are you!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Toes in the sand…..

    All work and no play makes for a very boring girl. But sometimes balance is hard to find. Sometimes you have to actually SCHEDULE the fun. When you quit letting life happen TO you and stop just reacting  to the things that come your way you can get a true sense of why you are here.

    Sure, there are lessons that we have to trudge thru but there can be happy lessons along the way as well. Change your perception and you can change the world. And if you didn’t realize it yet. The world starts with YOU. The happier you are, the happier the people around you are. There is an old saying that I just love. “If Mamma ain’t happy, NOBODY is happy”. And I think that is true whether you are a mom or not. It just means that how you feel and react to the world impacts the people around you. Certainly makes sense to me.

    So let me ask you, what kind of impact have you had today? Did you smile at your co-workers? Did you say thank you to the check out clerk? Did you greet your neighbor at the pool with a healthy hello? Did you tell someone they just frick’in matter? It’s the littlest gestures that can mean the most.

    We were meant to be happy, healthy humans. We are here to experience all the wonders of the world. We are a blessing to all those we encounter. The Kingdom of Heaven is all around you if you will just take the time to see it. If you are out of wack, get on track. Take the time to dig your toes in the sand. Your feet will thank you. And so will all the people who love you and hold you dear. Cause let’s face it – HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS.

    That is my Sunday lesson.    🙂

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • OMG….. FLAT ABS!

    I have FINALLY found the latest, most effective way to get in shape. It is THE ultimate work out!!!  A girlfriend was kind enough to share this secret with me. Talk about motivational! OHHHH I just couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. I think we are REALLY on to something that could change the face of workouts everywhere. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how out of shape. There is nothing to buy or sign up for. No special diet. No books to read or DVD’s to sweat to. You don’t even have to leave your house! Any woman with a pulse can do this! Are you ready???  It’s called Coregasm! Yep! COREGASM. Apparently – I say apparently cause I haven’t run home to try it yet – APPARENTLY, it is an orgasm some women can have when performing certain ab exercises. Experts say (wait….BIG O Experts?? Really??? Who knew!!) Well, EXPERTS say that this wacky core induced climax could be due to a number of factors:

    1.)The tightening of pelvic muscles

    2.) The build up of tension 

     3.) Nerve impulse

    At this point in my life I don’t really care if it’s caused by underpaid workers in a sweat shop in Malasia, I think it is wortha try.  It’s doesn’t matter HOW it works, only that it does!

    Oh….and if I lose a few inches of my waist…well that’s just gravy…so to speak.