Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: lesbian

  • The buffet of LIFE…..

    I have always hated the phrase “Fake it till you make it”. I’m usually a “feel it or forget it” kinda gal. But today, I woke up feeling puny and within the hour had busted a fever.

    An ice cold diet coke and my comfy couch was calling my name. Just when I had accepted my fate of a day of misery and bad Hallmark Channel movies the girls called. They were in town and wanted to  “Do Brunch”.

    My first impulse was to whine and decline. Which I did ….a little. They gave me an hour to get myself together – no pressure but calling back in an hour.

    It occurred to me as I sat there slouched in my pj’s that someday you have to start living what you learn. All those mantra’s of “The most important time is NOW”,  ” Life is what you make it” and “Choose to be happy” were all buzzing about my head like a nat on a ripe piece of fruit. “Damn it”…yes, I tend to mutter to myself some days. I’ll try the “Fake it till ya make it” routine today.

    I put on my new canary yellow capris and a white cotton peasant blouse…I put makeup on the most important features and soon enough realized…. I felt okay.

    The girls picked me up and we headed to the world famous brunch at the fabulous Baba Yaga’s. We sat outside near the pond neath our own special palapas.

    Now every big girl knows a buffet can be just like a clearance sale at Macy’s, a virtual mine field of “I WANT, I NEED, I HAVE TO HAVE”. So I took my time and made good choices. It’s all about taking it one day at a time. And some days, It’s all about taking it one MEAL at a time.

    I filled my plate with fresh-cut fruit, strawberries, pineapple and watermelon. I passed up the pasta salads and the heavier lunch fair. I selected an Eggs Benedict and a broccoli kiche….I didn’t make it unscathed past the bacon but did for go the homemade waffles. . But overall -not a bad plate. It was delicious. Dessert was served in 1″ x 1″ sq’s. I helped myself to three cause I just couldn’t decide which bite would be best. Amazingly I had 1/3rd of each. Meaning I really had only a 1″ x 1″ desert. ..S.O.A.B.!

    Great girls, great conversation, wonderful weather and a fabulous lunch. I’m so glad I didn’t miss it. Home I went, and a nap was in order. Up in time for an evening rehearsal and my day ended up rather well-rounded with friends, sunshine and song. So much better than a day in the dark on the couch.Life is what you make it. So put on your big girl panties and deal with it. You’ll be glad you did!

    I love each and every one of you and today, I loved Kari Adele just a little bit more!

    Juliana

  • The colors of the rainbow…

    I awoke this morning just sure I must be having a heart attack…again. I hadn’t even moved and my chest hurt like a BITCH! I ran through a mental check list: No difficulty breathing, not clammy or sweaty. No headache…hmmmm. Then I moved and realized the rest of my body felt the same way. I had to giggle a little. You see YESTERDAY I got adventuresome and checked out ALL the workout equipment in the gym. I was even feeling pretty spry and proud of myself for going through all of them. Today however I swear to God even my nipples hurt.And I know the only way it’s gonna get better is to go back and do it all again. What have I gotten myself into?

    So I get up and turn on the tube while I get myself together and Joel Olsteen is on delivering his Sunday morning message. He’s saying all the right things: Don’t judge people by their differences. Look at people as individuals. God made the blacks, whites, Hispanics and Orientals. He made rich men and poor, Democrats and Republicans. Some people are Aggies and some are Longhorns. No one asked to be born a certain color,class or religion God decided that. All in all, we are all God’s children and if God made us then who are you to judge. Prejudice comes from the word Judge. You are judging someone for being different from the way you are.

    Thank you Joel Olsteen. Now if only you could truly embrace and practice what you preach. Gay people are God’s children too. They were born that way. Just as others are black or white, blue-eyed or brown. Shame on you for not embracing the gays in your own mega church and shame on your brother-in-law in Arlington who canceled a memorial service for a Navy veteran 24 hours before it was to start because the deceased was gay.

    Officials at the nondenominational High Point Church knew that Cecil Howard Sinclair was gay when they offered to host his service, said his sister, Kathleen Wright. But after his obituary listed his life partner as one of his survivors, she said, it was called off.

    Simons ( The preacher)  said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would
    have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there.

    Did I mention that Cecil was a janitor at the mega church? A member of their own “CHURCH FAMILY” turned away 24 hours before his memorial. Where is the love? Where is the compassion and respect? It’s Prejudice. It’s judgment. It’s down right ugly.

    You are right Joel. God made us all in his image. What a beautiful thing. What an incredible rainbow in the world people are. ALL of us. Each and every one of us. Gay, Straight, Aggie or Longhorn….We all play on the same team.

    You may ask yourself. Who is this MAD FAT WOMAN, who is Juliana Wathen? I’ll tell you who I am. I am brilliant, gorgeous, funny and talented. I am a beacon of light that chases away the darkness. I am a cheerleader. I AM THAT I AM… .I am a Child of GOD…. Aren’t YOU?

  • Put A Bow On It!

    A very old and wise woman reminded me yesterday that every day is a gift – so put an ef’ing bow on it!  Okay…maybe she’s not THAT old but she is pretty darn savy none the less. And she is 100% correct! There I said it! Lori Westmoreland is RIGHT as rain!

    Size cannot be a determining factor in dressing up your day and enjoying the moment. We live in the NOW, not tomorrow or next week or next month. And yeah – it’s great if you lose 10 lbs next month and you can wear those OTHER jeans but not having lost it TODAY should not keep you from living life to the max and making the best of what God gave you.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And if you aren’t BEHOLDEN your own beauty in the mirror then shame on you! SIZE is not the issue. SELF ESTEEM is the issue. So as Lori says – “Go get your toes done – you’ll feel better”. She has a point. DO something for yourself that makes you feel beautiful. Stop hiding behind the mental image of how you think you should look and LIVE today. Stop dreaming about that “Coming out” party your gonna throw for yourself when you weight 100 lbs less. Come out NOW! Walk the red carpet TODAY! Life is a gift and so am I. Don’t love me for just who I am on the inside of the box. Don’t love me “inspite” of my size.  Love me….. gift wrapped, bow and all. SELF ESTEEM….It’s sexier than SIZE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • All You Need.

    A thousand wishes and dreams I hope come true for you.
    Peace, like calm seas, to fill your heart forever and a day
    Waves of Love more carefree, open and overflowing than you can ever imagine.
    A rock to anchor to when storms clouds gather. A star to always guide you home.
    I send you all this and more.
    I send you love on a sea of dreams where wishes can fill your sails everyday.
    I wish for you today the grandest of all wishes. I wish you to have all that you need. Today and everyday.

  • Easy as riding a bike.

    For those of us who remain single, the next week is well, uncomfortable. The media is bombarding us with images of doting lovers intent on expressing their deepest feelings of love and appreciation. Morning shows engage in unscientific experiments measuring which national florist provides the best bang for you buck. And of course the hottest question of the day….is it from JARED’S?

    Valentine’s Day is just another day….a day we want to get past. The sooner it is over, the better.Well, we may act like it’s “JUST ANOTHER DAY” but deep down inside we all long for the same thing. Someone to say they care.

    Instead of sitting home and crying over all the lost loves of the past while you eat Hagan Das and watch the sappiest movie possible on the Hallmark Channel, try something new.

    OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE. You can’t fill a cup that has a lid on it.

    You may not find love the first time out, or the second or third. But I can gaurantee you will never find it at home while you sit in your granny panties and PJ’s. Love is like everything else in the Universe. If you want it. You gotta be open to it.

    And yes there may be bumps and bruises along the way. But it never kept you from playing outside as a kid. So get back out there. It’s as easy as riding a bike. If you need to borrow my training wheels just let me know. I’ll put you on the list as soon as I am done with them.

  • UP!

    Okay Saturday morning…how you do’in? I’m up. Maybe not completely vertical but up none the less. I have a cup of coffee, have called two after-hours techs for equipment for a show tomorrow and since my laundry is done and the cat is fed…..I’m stuck staring at my YOGA DVD.

    Why is the thought of starting a 20 minute yoga routine such a drudgery. It’s gonna make me feel better. I’ll be more flexible. I’ll be focused for the day. My circulation will increase! Maybe I’m just afraid what the good old oxygen rich blood might do to those starved nether regions. I don’t want no trouble outta yous guys!

    The sectional sofa is calling my name like a siren from the shore. The chatter on Facebook is all about the new French cooking show on the Food Network and the remote control is just….right…there. The glistening bottle of amber Amaretto sitting on my kitchen counter is screaming “Put me in the God Damn Coffee!”. Sofa, Snuggie, TV, Coffee GOODNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

    And then I hear in a calm soothing voice…..”The couch will still be there in 20 minutes. You can TiVo the cooking channel and the Amaretto….well, and wouldn’t you rather trade in the Amaretto for a glass of wine at dinner tonight?”

    What?     Who said that?  Hmmmm, nobody here but me and Punkin and that cat ain’t talking.  Then comes a whisper in my ear…”Inner Voice”.

    Aghhh yes, I remember now. I have been praying for guidance and meditating to “hear” the answers. Well, just smack me on the back and call me successful. I was LISTENING and didn’t even know it. I guess this stuff really does work.

    Okay – I am up. DVD in and me and my new boyfriend Rodney Yee are gonna get down to some YOGA. Excuse me. Check ya later.

    Namaste

    Juliana

    The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. “Nama” means bow, “as” means I, and “te” means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means “bow me you” or “I bow to you”    Aadil Palkhivala’s

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Happy New Year

    The commercials have already started this morning…LOSE WEIGHT NOW! SAY GOOD BYE TO THOSE HOLIDAY POUNDS! JOIN TODAY!!!

    Well, I can’t blame it on the holidays. I can’t BLAME it on anyone but myself. As far back as I can remember I have been presented with and  held on to feelings of rejection, unworthiness and isolation. I always felt that I lived on the outside looking in. For every embarrassment and for every ounce of shame, I put a pound of flesh in my pocket.

    Psychologist have written thousands of books on how the obese insulate and protect themselves with their weight. In reality…because we chose to hang on to the hurt and not see the lesson – we build up…not a wall to keep others out, that is a farce. We build ourselves into larger targets! We beg the universe to hit us again and again. Ask…and it shall be given. That is the law. I had no clue I knew how to use it so well and so simply.

    So the lessons kept coming for 48 yrs. In 2010 I experienced what I hope is my last rejection.  My last step backwards with my health. My last failed love affair. My last imposed self isolation.

    I release my “pound of flesh” for every embarrassment I have felt. A pound for each ounce of shame. I release each cell in my body that is not necessary to it’s positive function. I no longer see the need to be a target. I am a Child of God. Spirit within knows what I should look like and my body will adjust to this new consciousness.

    In reality I am all that I chose to be;  an Artist, Actress, Singer, Writer, Explorer, Gambler, Chef, Friend, Daughter, Niece, a shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime.  I am many things to many people. I am that I AM.

    Happy New Year

    And may 2011 be your best year ever. I know it will be mine.

  • Work in Progress

    Yes, I am a WORK IN PROGRESS. Much like a painting on canvas…frame, foundation and layers upon layers of color and texture. I am touching upon my talents and desires that will make 2011 my most memorable year yet.

    I am that I AM energy that will create a world of acceptance and love for myself and for those around me.

    With a song in my heart…I carry your heart. I carry it inside my heart. You can carve your name in my TREE OF LIFE any day!

    “There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it”

    Charles Dudley Warner (1829-1900)