Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: lesbian

  • PLACES MS. WATHEN…..

    DRAG SHOW
    No matter how old I get, I hope I never hesitate to take that NEXT step cause you just never know where it might lead you. I pulled together all my pennies, nickels and even a Visa gift card to get my ass to the BIG D (that’s Dallas to all non-Texans out there) to attend an Actors Boot Camp this past weekend.
    People came from New Orleans,Tulsa and the Great Piney Woods of Texas to polish up their skills on Auditioning for the Camera, Continuity and Scene Work with the ever so gifted Del Shores. If you don’t know him…shame on you – look him up. In-credible writer and director. And it don’t hurt he’s home-grown from the great state of Texas!
    The experience reminded me …that yes

    #1: I can and WILL pee my pants when my little Mazda Zoom-Zoom goes skating and sliding over an icy overpass just north of Ennis….even when I’m NOT the one driving!

    #2: You just can’t beat a good Drag Show at The Rose Room on a Friday Night.

    #3: I don’t love acting because I get to “BE” someone else for a few hours and be everything I never was or thought I could be. I love acting because I get to “BE” everything that I AM and proudly put it out there for everyone to see just like Show and Tell in Mrs. Bennett’s first grade class at Runyan Elementary in 1969!

    #4: When you stop learning… you stop living. When an actor stops “training” then check the mirror for fog. Chances are they aren’t breathing.

    #5: Life is like a show! It has a First Act, an Intermission, a Second Act and an End. I’ve had my First Act and intermission and I am called to “Places” for the second act. Curtain up baby! I’m flying without a net and NO UNDERSTUDY!

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copyright 2014 Juliana Wathen

  • Diary of a MAD*FAT*WOMAN takes to the stage….

    IT IS FINALLY HERE! A SHOW!!!!!!!

    NAME IN LIGHTS…..Diary of a MAD* FAT * WOMAN.
    A Night of Cabaret with Juliana Wathen

    TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW AT
    http://www.obsidianartspace.org/coming-events.html

    Based on the popular blog by the same name
    Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..a journal of personal insight, crazy rants, battle of the bulge and mid life crisis enhanced by some of the best music of the past 5 decades.

    Opening January 4th, 2012 at 7:30 and running Thursday, January 5th – Saturday the 7th and Thursday, January 12- Saturday the 14th.

    Obsidian Art Space 3522 White Oak Houston, Texas 77007

    Tickets are $20.00 per person $15.00 for students and seniors.

  • Coming out of the closet……

    You would think, in this day and age, that educated people would readily accept the fact that GAY people are everywhere and that the need for a NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY  – like today – would just be unnecessary. You would also think that they would have an understanding that gay people live, go to work and pay our taxes just like everyone else does.  Some actually do know that and no longer consider sexuality as a DIS-QUALIFIER  for acceptance in their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

    The truth of the matter is that there is still a social stigma so great that it is literally killing our children. Think you aren’t part of the problem – think again. Children are taught to hate at home. They are taught who to accept and who to shun. Who is less and who is greater than. It is reflective in our schools where kids as young as nine years old are committing suicide because of the unrelenting and unmanaged taunting from other children. At that age, most children have no CONCEPT of their sexuality so it just makes it harder for them to comprehend the negative and harsh treatment they endure at the hands of their peers.

    My sexuality is not what defines me as a person anymore than my skin color, race or religion. But it is just as large a target for discrimination.  So today…I stand up for those that can’t. I stand up for the little boy who runs thru the playground with “Jazz Hands” and defend his right to a safe childhood…I cheer the little girl who would rather run drills on the basketball court than the runways on Toddlers and Tiaras. I thank the great contributors before me that were gay but didn’t let their sexuality keep them from living and reaching for their dreams. Tchaikovsky to Bessie Smith, Alexander the Great to Pope Julius III and Barbra Jordan to Socrates all incredible individuals who contributed their beauty and talents to the world and just happened to have accomplished it loving someone of the same sex.

    My hope is that someday ones sexual preference becomes as small a blip on others radars as ones preference of dogs over cats, chinese food over pizza or choosing to wearing PJ’s  rather than sleeping naked. If you’re a cat lover who likes eating pizza and sleeping naked…..call me.

    HAPPY COMING OUT DAY!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

     

  • Confidence is sexy….

    I’ve been brooding the past few days over a post that encouraged people to read my blog. Which should be good, right??  Blogs by nature are out there to be read by anyone with access to the internet and so when you expose your thoughts and views to the world you have hopes that others will be entertained, enlightened or find a kinship in your thoughts. However, there are those that will stumble upon you and target you for ridicule and use as a tool to make them feel better about themselves.

    So was the post this past week. A man in Tunisia, all the way around the world, posted the link for Diary of a Mad * FAT * WOMAN on his Facebook page with the comment, “Look at this fat lady trying to be sexy. hahaha. Check it out!“. Hmmmm. My first thought was WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU? that quickly gave way to me blocking him from the Facebook page of DOAMFW. Besides, I didn’t recall posting ANY picture of myself trying to look sexy so I’m not sure what this guy was making a fuss about. And I certainly wasn’t going to feed his ego and little man syndrome by allowing him to abuse me on my own site. BYE-BYE Mr. Tunisia!

    No, it’s not the first time, and no, I am not shocked. I have dealt with bullies all my life making crude comments about my weight. And I have endured the flip side of the coin and have had men write me about my blog saying how much they LOVED fat women. I am equally repulsed by both. Which has nothing to do with my being gay though men are the only ones swinging to  extremes on the love/hate meter.

    Diary of a MAD * FAT* WOMAN isn’t about being crazy or pissed off. Though I have certainly been both in my day. It’s about the ups and downs life hands out to us and how we handle it. It’s not about BEING FAT, it’s about being a CONFIDENT WOMAN at any size.

    I am overweight. NO DOUBT. And by today’s rules of extra thin perfection I shouldn’t EVER dare to be or feel sexy without being subject to public ridicule. And yet I KNOW what being sexy feels and looks like.

    I have felt sexy when a lover smiled at the sight of me regardless of what I was wearing or how long my day had been. I have felt sexy when they melted into me with a long, warm enveloping hug and they relaxed away their problems in that embrace. I saw sexy when their confidence soared because I gave them room to try new things without judgement. We were sexy together when we felt comfortable surrendering to each other without hesitation. That level of trust is the sexiest thing I have ever encountered. It wasn’t a size or shape, a color or class. It was the confidence in the connection we shared. That’s what sexy is to me.

    I feel compassion for the man in Tunisia who sought to bolster his own image with his friends by ridiculing the image he saw of me. His vision is so limited he might as well have been blind. He has probably passed by the most  incredible people  in his life because they didn’t meet his superficial standards. What a loss.  As we say in the South…Bless his heart.

    And bless your heart and my heart. SEXY has a way of finding you when you least expect it.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Piano Bar Blues……

    Yes, Mrs. Lincoln, I have had a cocktail tonight and how did you enjoy the play? “Fine Mrs. Kennedy – how was the parade?

    Okay…I had WAY to much fun working tonight. Work turned into unexpected play which is the BEST kinda play to have. I am perched up on the 18th floor of a lake resort and have to go down to check on a promotional event for a bunch of meeting planners….I’m in entertainment you seeeeee……….The DJ is in place…we nosh a bit over the steak and lobster and have a cocktail or two and as the easliy impressed corporate executives file in to the bowling Wii tounament I make my get away to the piano bar with…THE BOYS.

    Nearly deserted, the bar is quiet…..”where’s the PIANO player for the PIANO bar” we ask….”taking a break” they tell us… great….we’ll have a cocktail. We settle into the posh couches and pull our feet up on the coffee tables after a long days work as if they were our own. I look at the other people behind us – trying to decern the familiar characteristics of a “Piano player”….searching…searchin…..g searching….BINGO….It’s the blind guy!!!!! The blind guy????

    The same blind guy I saw 32 years ago at a high school talent show?….My talent show at MY high school….WTF????  I saw a woman take his arm about to lead him to the piano and I stopped them and asked…Hadden right?? she answered for him ‘Yes” ….I replied…”Are you his mother?” ohhhhhhh bad question…”No , I am his wife but I get that alot”….oh snap…..I JUST killed the conversation….

    I asked Hadden if he remembered my name and he didn’t but it was okay – I sang with his brother who was three years older.

    We settled into our couches and he began to play..none of it in my key BTW….Mr. Bojangles, Rocky Mountain High and The Entertainer…. I sang under my breath and one of my boys said – sing a song…I said “It’s NOT in my key”….Hadden’s wife chimed in – “he can play in any key just start singing”…And so I did….one song and then another….and another… and another. Lyrics supplied to me by a friend on a I phone…we started taking requests and he played so well he even followed me on a few songs he never heard before….True talent….we scooped up an extra 60 bucks for the tip jar for the folks draw in by the sound and we called it a night.

    I was down tonight when I got here…but music lifted me right up out of my skin. We’re gonna do it again tomorrow night..since I’m here all weekend. Why not!

    Music is a universal language…once you learn it , It rarely goes away. It cured what ailed me….tomorrow will be icing on the cake.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Love me , Love me not…..

    I love treats. All kinds of treats. I am treated on occasion to a  glimpse of a beautiful woman. One I know well, quite intimately in fact.   I don’t see her everyday. In fact, seeing her is as unpredictable as winning the Lottery. But it happens, when I least expect it. But always when I need it most.

    It took me a long time to get to know her. But I invested the time. I thought it would be worth the effort. Uncertain of my intentions, I was held at bay for a while. Which was to be expected. But not too terribly long as we had much in common. People, places and things. Common bridges to common destinations.

    She is strong. Do not doubt that, but so soft I think she might melt away some day. Her voice rings in  my ear and whispers encouraging words from a distance place. And I listen….intently. Soaking up all I can of the unseen energy.

    She told me her secrets and seems to know mine. She sees my potential and reminds me I deserve all life has to offer. She knows the answers before I ever ask the questions. She even said I was beautiful. Oh how I would like to believe that.

    It’s hard to always trust. To believe what you hear.

    The children’s rhyme chimes in. “She loves me, She loves me not, She loves me, She loves me not”….plucking petals from a flower I know the answer before the last petal falls. It took me a long time to find her. To love her  unconditionally. She is smart and witty, talented and beautiful, tender and loving. Does she love me? She does. How do I know?  Because she… is me.

    Loving others completely comes only when you can honestly love yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Weightless moments…..

    I empty my mind and wait for the feeling of weightlessness to wash over me. Movement becomes more fluid. Breathing becomes less necessary, butterflies bounce around my stomach and time stands still. It feels like it will never end.

    Memories of weightlessness flood my mind.

    I remember when I was a little girl  how I loved the swing sets. The drive and determination to swing higher and higher possessed me. What joy awaited you in that perfect moment when you were as high as high could go and just before falling back to earth….you were weightless. Hanging in the moment in time and space.

    When I was a teenager I had pneumonia and had been home in bed for several days. After a whole evening racked with a cough I fell asleep. That evening, I became aware of an incredible sensation. I was floating above my bed and had the presence of mind to assess my situation. I ran thru a mental checklist. Yes, I was still in my bedroom. No, I no longer felt pain or fatigue. I was neither hot nor cold and I found it amusing that I no longer needed to breathe. I felt a smile in my heart and it crept across my face. I was most content with my new found situation. Summoned by the silence, my mother came to my room and immediately called for my father. I remembered thinking…”No, Go Away – I’m fine”, but I suddenly felt like I had been grabbed and thrown to the floor. A rush of air filled my lungs and the pain was so intense I was certain my lungs would burst. I was home. I was awake. I was weightless no more.

    The sensation eluded me up until 4 days before my 22nd birthday. It was New Years Eve and we had been blessed with the vacant yet well stocked home of a friend’s “out of town” parents. We were told to make ourselves at home. Which we promptly did. My best friend and I were there with guys that were friends from high school that we each had some sizable interest in. After all…it was New Years Eve. We played with Oreo the house dog and drank from the wet bar all night. I’m sure we danced and joked for hours but you see I don’t remember it that much. At the stroke of midnight my best friend grabbed my hand and pulled me close to her and kissed me..long and hard.  I had never been kissed by a girl before. I couldn’t feel the floor. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to lift me right off my feet. Time stood still and the noise of the midnight revelry gave way to silence. I thought to myself how amazingly soft her lips were. How sweet her breath. i could stay there forever in that embrace. In the moment of that kiss I discovered who I was. And I was weightless and finally free.

    There are more weightless moments to come in my life.  Moments that will suspend me in time and lift my feet off the floor. Life is a ride. Won’t you ride it with me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • Becoming Weightless…..

    The closer you get to the end of your life the more concentrated the experience and memories of the past become. Our greatest moments of happiness seem like they just happened yesterday and the deepest wounds lay fresh, open and bleeding.

    So I am finding in the final days with my father. He can’t tell you how old he is or what he had for dinner but continues to boast of his years abroad and the luxuries he allowed himself . Luxuries that left his family neglected emotionally, physically and financially. My mother has stayed for 54 yrs despite our best attempts at encouraging her to leave. Now he takes great pains to make sure we understand she stayed and “He won”.

    I thought all these years she stayed because of the mind game he played. If you love me you won’t complain. If you love me you’ll tolerate my infidelity. I you love me money won’t be an issue. If you love me you’ll keep a home for me to return to. If you love me you’ll take care of me when I am sick and old. If you love me you will sit home and wait…and wait…and wait. I know now that it wasn’t the promises she made to him or for him. She promised GOD she would stay. She would honor the vows she made that day because THAT was who SHE was and who SHE needed to be to break thru to the other side.

    I stood in the cross hairs yesterday, the target of my father’s dissatisfaction. I stood behind his wheelchair as he boasted to strangers how great his life was inspite of having horrible children. He pointed me out specifically and told them “She’s been trouble for 54 years”….I pointed out I was only 48…He said it didn’t matter I was trouble before I got here. He went on with his rant telling those that would listen that we tried to take away his wife… But she was still here. Like a TV evangelist he claimed his victory. He was the winner…and I was the loser. He was better than me and he could prove it. “NOBODY WANTED TO MARRY YOU”, he said.

    I’d hand enough and wheeled him back inside and left him in the care of my mother and nurses. After two days of treatment he was able to go back home one more time, terminal, but not yet ready to leave this world.

    I took them home, Denver and Wanda, and left for the solace of my own home immediately. I was still shocked and hurt by the venomous rant and tent revival testimony he shared with people in a hot parking lot. I pulled my car to the shoulder and reached out to the one person I still crave comfort from but it was not there. Only the Statement. “It’s not about you“.

    Wanda had a love once and promised God she would stay. I had a love once and promised God I would pray.

    The script was similar.

    If you love me you’ll stay faithful and allow me to stray.

    If you love me you’ll do all things my way.

    You’ll hide in the shadows where no one will see, you’ll allow me to be who I want to be.

    You’ll understand my needs and know they come first

    You’ll tolerate the shame and all of the hurts

    You’ll give up your friends and come when I call.

    You’ll take what I give you, if you love me at all.

    I didn’t live by the rules and she threw me away.

    Yet it was still her comfort that I craved today.

    One promised to stay; One promised to pray.

    We’ve each learned our lessons, different hours, different days

    We strive to become weightless

    In our own time, in our own way.

    You are correct, It’s not about me. It’s not about fathers and daughters, or mothers and lovers. It’s not about the have’s and have not’s you get in life. It’s about setting down that bag of rocks and leaving behind the burden. To honor the GOD within and lay down the prayer on a path in front of you of peace, guidance and perfect understanding in all things.

    It’s about becoming weightless.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • My Independence Day…..

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

    When will this statement from the Declaration of Independence be applied to ALL of the citizens of the United States of America? Many, including members of my own family, stand on their self-proclaimed Conservative Christian Faith and scream at the top of their lungs that this country was founded on CHRISTIANITY. And that GOD willing, we will return to THEIR level of Conservatism in the next election. They would deny Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness to me simply because I am gay.

    The Declaration of Independence was just that. A statement that we the citizens of the Colonies had the right  to dissolve our connection with Britain citing Laws of Nature and Nature’s God. “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” 

    So here we have “Creator” and ‘Law’s of Nature” and Nature’s God”…..Nothing there about Church of England, Catholic, Protestant, Quaker or Queers….so no DOGMA was adopted there. Not sure what DOGMA is??  Dogma: A doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church.

    The Constitution is the document that lays out the frame-work of government and the division of power and our judicial systems and makes no reference to BEING a CHRISTIAN to be in good standing as a citizen of this country. In fact there is no mention of CREATOR – LAWS of NATURE -NATURE’S GOD or GOD in this document. Nope – No DOGMA there either.

    Then along came The Bill of Rights.   And because of the persecution under the previous government  and the CHURCH of England they felt the need to ensure these RIGHTS First.

    Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

    So inferring again that the country was BASED on conservative Christian values is a big steaming pile of poo.

    Had the founding fathers intended to form a government based on a doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church they would have just been abandoning the Church of England for the establishment of the CHURCH OF AMERICA. We have a country settled by a majority of Christians who respectfully created a land set up with a separation of Church and State.

    Someday, I hope we all are allowed Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness without the exceptions that some would bind us with. Someday I hope to marry and when I get married – that “SIGNIFICANT OTHER” will be my WIFE. And that doesn’t mean I’m more masculine than her and that I have to take out the trash while she makes dinner. It’s not about defining domestic roles within a household. It means she is the woman I love and make a commitment to for life. She will be my wife and I will be hers. THAT is what being a spouse should be. And if that level of commitment or lack there of determined a title then my Mother would be a WIFE…my father?  a “Significant Other”…..if even that. His level of love, honor and cherish over the years has been in serious default…so what makes him a husband? His signature at the bottom of a certificate filled out in a judge’s chamber issued by the State of Oklahoma…not a church.

    I would have married a tall blue-eyed blonde if she would have had me. But GOD had other plans for my life and hers. Yes…I do believe in God. A power that guides my steps, my words and my voice to stand up for myself and those like me that want nothing more than to express our love for someone in the ultimate way. To marry and to build a family. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It’s meant for anyone.

    I love each and every one of you, all people, all races, all religions, all preferences ALL GODS CHILDREN.

    Juliana

  • I don’t need a proclamation…….

    I don’t need a Presidential Proclamation to tell me to be proud of who I am. June has been GAY PRIDE month ever since I came out almost 30 years ago. I’d have to say to the US Government “You’re a little late to the party, Sugar”. I’m sure others see it as “better late than never”. Potatoe – Potato

    The fact remains that we (The GLBT Community) still fight for equality in a country based on the premise of equality. The statement below is the opening paragraph of the Presidential Proclamation posted on http://www.Whitehouse.gov

    BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
    A PROCLAMATION

    “The story of America’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) community is the story of our fathers and sons, our mothers and daughters, and our friends and neighbors who continue the task of making our country a more perfect Union. It is a story about the struggle to realize the great American promise that all people can live with dignity and fairness under the law. Each June, we commemorate the courageous individuals who have fought to achieve this promise for LGBT Americans, and we rededicate ourselves to the pursuit of equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.”

    I don’t think we need a statement or platform to be PROUD. We climbed the biggest mountains just coming out to Family, Friends and Colleagues and embracing who we are as individuals. That is something to be PROUD of. I would rather – if there had to be a STATEMENT made by the Gov’t that it be focused more on AWARENESS. Awareness of the on-going struggle for equality in housing, child rearing, spousal rights, job security and benefits. Expand the AWARENESS of persecution of CHILDREN in public schools who are so young they may not even be aware of their sexual identity but their mannerisms make them targets for bullying and many Teachers and Principals turn a blind eye. Suicide is on the rise in gay, lesbian and transgendered children. It is so heart breaking that a child in America can’t go to school and be nurtured, protected and encouraged to be just who God made them to be. Complaints from parents have fallen on deaf ears in administrations across the country. The focus goes back on the child victim instead of the abusers. Tell your son not to “act” so gay. Tell your child to dress less conspicuously…in essence – Tell YOUR child to be ashamed of who they are and keep their head low or risk the fallout. The bully is rarely if EVER removed from the school, much less reprimanded in anyway. If these kids can’t be safe in the classroom then they will cease going to class.They become the throw away children of society. They have the biggest mountain to climb to get back to a place where they can love themselves and be proud of who they are.

    Everyone should be proud of who they are, gay-straight, black – white, fat – thin, white collar or blue collar. Expand your mind and be aware that there are differences all around us. We are all equal in the eyes of the Universe.  Is it too much to be equal in yours?

    Make someone else AWARE…..repost or share this post with as many as you like.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana