Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: juliana wathen

  • Good Friday…..Best Life EVER!

    Good Morning world. It is GOOD FRIDAY! In my book, all Fridays are Good Friday. But this Friday the Blonde Bunny and I will be celebrating with a bevy of fabulous friends at the LAW Good Friday Crawfish Boil.

    Our afternoon will include the holy trinity of crawfish, potatoes and corn. Throw in some sides, some cold drinks and a crazy bunch of people with a jam box and you have yourself one heck of a religious experience.

    It’s a time to be thankful. It’s a time to be reborn. Good Friday and Easter – It’s not just the resurrection story of a man who came and gave his life on the cross for our “Sins” and then arose three days later. It’s not just about what someone did for us! It is a map – a guideline, an example of how to renew your own life and be born anew.

    Change is hard. Letting go of your burdens is difficult when you feel that only your burdens define you. Instead of pointing the finger of blame at those around you for being  the source of your discomfort or for being the barrier to your success   – “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. YOU have the power to release and forgive them because only you have the vision of who you truly are. There is no room for judgement or grudges in the Kingdom of Heaven. And the Kingdom of Heaven is within you.  Let the past die away, enter the chamber of your heart and rest in the new ideas of love, forgiveness and peace. See the obstacles that block your path dissolve away. Forgive YOURSELF for not believing in the power and wonder of YOU and the God within you. Only then can you awaken to a new life. Only then can you accept the wonderful gifts that were meant to be yours all along. Only then will you live your best life ever!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Voices in my head…..

    Are the voices in my head talking to the voices in your head? I don’t think so unless we are on the same medication and sharing a toothbrush but …sometimes it feels that way. What’s actually happening is the Universe is validating what you already know. There is not a problem, phobia or fear that we can’t solve or overcome because the answers are already within us. It’s been easier to believe in the boundaries, restrictions and labels others have placed on us because we, for some reason, accept their opinion as our TRUTH. Man, The power we give away to others is ENORMOUS! And we spend hours and hours, sometimes years trying to undo the damage of one statement or incident absorbed into our psyche at a time when we were impressionable or vulnerable.

    Well, wake up and smell the iced vanilla mocha latte. The voices in your head are all you, the calming voice, the judging voice, the loving voice or the voice screaming in anger. They are all you. It’s up to you to bring order to the group and have them speak with one voice.

    My voice tells me I am a beautiful girl today. I am strong. I am healthy. I am talented and unafraid to speak my mind. I know who I am and I know what I want. I live in the NOW. I make each moment count from the mundane to the most exciting. They are all MY moments, my experience. They make me who I am. All the perceptions of what may have been good, bad or just plan awful in my past are really all just different stepping stones along a path that has brought me to where I am today. If you are okay with who you are today then ROCK ON!!!  and continue. If not – then you have today as a wake-up call to change it.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Recipe for beauty…

    Have you ever noticed that the shape of a woman is described as something you can eat?

    Funny isn’t it! Pear shaped women with small shoulders and big round bottoms, apple shaped women who are just round all the way around, and the latest “Muffin Top”. Now the skinny girls get names like Twiggy and Sticks. Not very appetizing.  And the prettiest figures with the best curves are called  Hour Glass.

    Now – just in a random survey if someone offered me a pear, an apple, a muffin, a stick or an hourglass which one would I pick? Well, I don’t need a stick. I don’t have a dog or a broken window to prop open. Hourglasses are a nice novelty on the shelf and pretty to look at but not very pratical. You always have to go turn it upside down to get it to work and then it only works for a little while. So I would probably go with the pear! Or if I got to choose more than one I would make a pear and apple salad with a muffin on the side. 🙂

    Let’s just face it. Women are delicious!

    And just a side note to the bitch who didn’t tend her garden and keep her bits and pieces in good working order all those years ago. The women of today don’t appreciate being called “FISH”. It implies that we either smell like yesterdays catch of the day or something men have the option of ordering on a dinner plate of Friday and well, hell….I’m not CATHOLIC!

    Take care of your yard work ladies. Mow the lawns and trim the bushes. If you can’t see or reach all your…..topiaries…… then hire a gardener!  An ill kept garden attracts fruit flies. Buzzing, annoying, flighty lil’ fruit flies!

    You picking up what I’m putting down, Girls? Good!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Leave no girl behind….

    Spring has sprung and so have I.

    Welcome the new adventure: Beautiful Girl Productions. Yes, I have done it at last. My own production company. And the first show is already in the works.

    Like a caterpillar I chewed on a lot of roughage and crawled my way along. I spun myself a cocoon and gave my inner-self time to form and develop. And now, finally, I can emerge and spread my wings.

    It ain’t over till the fat lady sings and once I get going I may never stop! We are putting together a website, original songs, posters, programs and more!

    I have a great team working with me and I am so blessed. Just had to shout it out loud today!

    BEAUTIFUL GIRL PRODUCTIONS….leave no girl behind!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana


  • Toes in the sand…..

    All work and no play makes for a very boring girl. But sometimes balance is hard to find. Sometimes you have to actually SCHEDULE the fun. When you quit letting life happen TO you and stop just reacting  to the things that come your way you can get a true sense of why you are here.

    Sure, there are lessons that we have to trudge thru but there can be happy lessons along the way as well. Change your perception and you can change the world. And if you didn’t realize it yet. The world starts with YOU. The happier you are, the happier the people around you are. There is an old saying that I just love. “If Mamma ain’t happy, NOBODY is happy”. And I think that is true whether you are a mom or not. It just means that how you feel and react to the world impacts the people around you. Certainly makes sense to me.

    So let me ask you, what kind of impact have you had today? Did you smile at your co-workers? Did you say thank you to the check out clerk? Did you greet your neighbor at the pool with a healthy hello? Did you tell someone they just frick’in matter? It’s the littlest gestures that can mean the most.

    We were meant to be happy, healthy humans. We are here to experience all the wonders of the world. We are a blessing to all those we encounter. The Kingdom of Heaven is all around you if you will just take the time to see it. If you are out of wack, get on track. Take the time to dig your toes in the sand. Your feet will thank you. And so will all the people who love you and hold you dear. Cause let’s face it – HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS.

    That is my Sunday lesson.    🙂

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FROST & TIP PARTY

    Today was FROST & TIP Saturday at my house. Yep… it was time to get our highlights on. And who better to put you through the torture of pulling your hair through a plastic cap with a knitting needle than your good friends.

    First we fortified ourselves with homemade deli style sandwiches accompanied by a chip or two. Washed it down with a refreshing  vodka tonic with lime….or two…or three…oh hell, who’s counting.

    Then we lamented about the stupid frenchman with too much baggage to recognize what a hot mess Christina is. I mean…WE see it – why can’t he????

    And then there are the on-line dating sites where you say NO SMOKERS and the person you meet REEKS of an ashtray and their idea of being a NON-SMOKERS is one who is trying to quit….Leisa calls “LOSER” !!!! Which of course is closely followed by the chubby chasers who just want to date us for our cushiness.LOSSERRRRRR!!!!! And the one who lives down the street from your last ex – ohhhh soooooo not an option under any circumstances. If you can get a new home address then we can talk. Maybe more! wink, wink!!

    Then we had to bitch a bit about menopause cause that’s just what we do now. I’m hot, I’m cranky, I’m dry, I’m…… okay…”Too much information” as my mother would say.

    Well, our blonde streaks are PERFECT….just saying. Patting myself on the back.

    We have laughed till we nearly peed my concrete floor – the cat has hidden under the bed all day to escape our shinanigans and it very well may be time for a nap!

    Love my girls, love my Saturdays, love a good frost and tip party!

    I love each and every one of you. Especially if you have highlights.

    Juliana

  • OMG….. FLAT ABS!

    I have FINALLY found the latest, most effective way to get in shape. It is THE ultimate work out!!!  A girlfriend was kind enough to share this secret with me. Talk about motivational! OHHHH I just couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. I think we are REALLY on to something that could change the face of workouts everywhere. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how out of shape. There is nothing to buy or sign up for. No special diet. No books to read or DVD’s to sweat to. You don’t even have to leave your house! Any woman with a pulse can do this! Are you ready???  It’s called Coregasm! Yep! COREGASM. Apparently – I say apparently cause I haven’t run home to try it yet – APPARENTLY, it is an orgasm some women can have when performing certain ab exercises. Experts say (wait….BIG O Experts?? Really??? Who knew!!) Well, EXPERTS say that this wacky core induced climax could be due to a number of factors:

    1.)The tightening of pelvic muscles

    2.) The build up of tension 

     3.) Nerve impulse

    At this point in my life I don’t really care if it’s caused by underpaid workers in a sweat shop in Malasia, I think it is wortha try.  It’s doesn’t matter HOW it works, only that it does!

    Oh….and if I lose a few inches of my waist…well that’s just gravy…so to speak.

  • Ice made from scratch…..

    It’s been a very busy week and it has shown no signs of slowing down but a notice came across my email and Facebook this afternoon that stopped me in my tracks. Greg, a wonderful man who sang with us at BCPA, entered the hospital last night and while we were all busy with our chaotic lives of multi-tasking and meeting deadlines, he simply and quietly …..slipped away. Another voice has been added to the celestial choir.

    It’s amazing that it can happen so fast. But it can. Lives change in  the blink of an eye.

    It is a reminder to me to keep my focus in front of me and to live in the moment. It tells me to stop looking behind me and trying to tug the past and the people in it along with me. To let it go and travel light. Those that want to walk beside me will. Those that don’t, choose a different path because they need to. It’s not personal. Goals are as individual as DNA. I have before me a great life of my choosing. I create new aspects everyday. There is joy to be had and love to be shared. I don’t have to wait to be thinner or richer or healthier to have a good day.

    We are often guilty of letting situations and other people’s circumstances steer us down a road that may not be the one we need to be on. That’s why God created exit ramps! Pull over on the shoulder and check your map. If you don’t have a map – keep driving forward till you see a BUC-EE’S

    They have maps, snacks and ice made from scratch! Life is truly for the living. Make sure you are living it. Greg did.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Red Rover, Red Rover…..

    Red Rover, Red Rover my friends coming over…for a three day WEEKEND!!!

    Yes, I can be excited…excited I cleaned tonight for one! Look at Punkin sitting and watching TV at the end of the couch…on the floor. He’s not quite sure where to sit with everything so fresh and organized.

    Matter of fact, I’m not quite sure where I can sit either. I don’t want to mess anything up.

    Not that my friends would care one way or the other. That is the beauty of true friends. They don’t really care if there are crumbs in the corner as long as a big fat rat isn’t dining on them!

    Friends are the people who feed your soul. They are there when you need them with an encouraging word and some times an ass chewing. Cause let’s face it, we all need both every now and then. Friendships aren’t always easy. They have ups and downs just like all relationships. But we tend to work harder on friendships. They are the rock when everything else turns sour.

    They pick up the pieces when we are broken. Hopes are dashed and dreams are shattered and there they are with a broom and dust pan sweeping up the pieces and slowly they pour them back into our hand and say with a casual tone. “Drop Something?”…..”Want me to get the glue or you gonna throw that away?”

    They are our partners in crime. Road Trip Co-Pilots. Wing-man. Fashion Consultant. House Fairy. Cheerleader. Confessor and Confidant. I’m excited I have been blessed with so many people I can call “friend”.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I’m not FAT ….I’m Fluffy!

    It sounds good in theory anyway. Being fluffy instead of fat. That’s what a friend’s son told me once a few years back. That I was Fluffy – not FAT.

    You see, kids don’t really have filters at 7, or 8, or 9….to him FAT was a negative thought and once he spent a few hours with me we were the best of pals and I couldn’t peel him off me. He was glued to my side.

    His mother politely told him to GET OFF me. He replied that he couldn’t. “She is so soft and fluffy”, he exclaimed with a smile and nuzzled his face into my side.

    Yep – that’s me. I’m broken in like an old Lazy Boy recliner. Soft and comfy in all the right places. I know I’m overweight. No nine-year old needs to tell me that. But somehow I have been able to win them over with my charm, wit and homemade peach cobbler.

    I never had kids. When I was younger I believed that threat my mother yelled out at me when I misbehaved. “Someday you’ll have  kids and they’re gonna be JUST LIKE YOU. YOU JUST WAIT LITTLE LADY!”. I always thought – HELL NO I’M NOT! And I have lived by my proclamation.

    So, I am Auntie, Aunt Huli, Tia. To Nieces and Nephews by blood and by choice. I am the coolest Aunt around. I answer calls at midnight from stranded college students. I hear about first kisses and broken hearts. I have done my fair share of homework , science projects and parties at Chucky Cheese. I’ve sat thru school and church concerts, plays and sports games at 8:00 am in the cold rainy morning.  I’ve dug thru mounds of dirty clothes in search of THE shirt that MUST be worn NOW! I’ve over bought and over indulged. I’ve bent the house rules, stayed up too late and let them sleep to long? YEP – I am Aunt Huli, Auntie, the fluffiest Tia in Town. I don’t mind it at all.

    I made an impression – and so did they. There is a new one on the way this fall. I can’t wait to meet her…or him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Signing off – Your fluffiness – Juliana