Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: happiness

  • Nothing but net!

    I was lucky enough last weekend to witness a group of women coming together from around the state for a day of saying “THANK YOU” to a woman who set their life foundation over thirty years ago.Each woman can follow the bouncing ball all the way back to “Downtown” Shirley Brown, their Jr. High Basketball coach.

    She instilled in them a can do attitude and work ethic that serves them still today.She took the time to teach them about basketball and about life. She gave them the tools to work as  team members in their community. She only ever asked that they do their best. And so they gathered to honor a woman who made a difference.

    There are people like this in your life. Many times there are more than one. But if you followed the bouncing ball who would you find? Did you ever tell them about the difference they made in your life? The beauty of life is the gift of giving. Take the time to tell someone they mattered. They made a difference. They gave a gift. It might be the best gift you can ever give them.

    I  love each and everyone of you

    Juliana

  • Weight of the world.

    Sometimes in life I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m just not strong enough to hold up my end. Many times this feeling comes on the heels of a major life changing decision. When I step out of myself and look at it from above. the work truly came in seeing the need for change, weighing the options and coming to a decision. The weight of the world is the flooding waves of self doubt that comes afterward. Did I do the right thing? Did I take into consideration all the others involved and how it will affect them? Was I acting selfishly?Doubt, Doubt….doubt.

    If you find yourself praying for MORE STRENGTH to stand by your decisions then you have another decision to make. Either have faith that you made a sound decision based on who you are and what you need in life or have the courage to re-examine your choices and make adjustments accordingly. Life is a lesson. You grade your own papers in this class. Only you can decide what corrections need to be circled and highlighted.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Take no prisoners.

    The word of the day is SURRENDER:

    As defined by the dictionary as to declare yourself defeated: to declare to an opponent that he or she has won so that fighting or conflict can cease

    give up possession of something: to relinquish possession or control of something because of coercion or force.

    It all sounds rather negative to me. So how can I SURRENDER to my higher power? Who do I surrender too? The nagging fear of loss keeps me from letting go.

    I have surrendered in small isolated instances in the past. I have surrendered to an audience of thousands and felt them lift me to unexpected heights. I have surrendered in silence to a soul mate in a simple gaze. There is electricity in the air and my body adsorbs every bit of energy in the room. It is exhilarating and yet I still struggle to allow myself to feel that on a daily basis. I remind myself that I am worthy and deserve all that life has to offer. Yet I struggle. The conflict is real.

    But I realize that there is no outside force or foe.The battle is with myself and  I am in fact the one I need to surrender to.

    I surrender this day to my higher self. It is not a loss. It is a gift.I am not defeated, I am the victor.

    I will not allow conflict with myself to rule my day. Being kind to me and making healthy choices throughout my day is not something I have to coerce or force myself to do. It is a honor and a privilege  and worth taking the time to do.

    There is absolute freedom in ultimate surrender.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Believe

    I started this diary last year on my 47th birthday. Tomorrow marks the passing cycle of another 365 days.

    And what have I learned in this time?

    I’ve learned that when you dwell in fear you will lose what you were AFRAID of losing. The things that you were afraid might happen, happen. And the opportunities you were afraid would never come your way, never do.

    The flip side of the coin? When you have Faith, when you BELIEVE beyond a shadow of a doubt – you can move mountains.

    Now, I am certainly not interested in changing the topography of the world. But I am interested in changing MY world.

    My world starts with me. Over the next 365 days I will put my Faith in my abilities and talents to be a better and clearer expression of who I am. I will listen to that inner voice that says you are loved and you are beautiful in every way.

    And I will BELIEVE; in Family and Friendship, Hope, Charity and Love, Honesty, Freedom and Music. I Believe in ELVIS and I BELIEVE in ME.

    I believe in you too.

    God Bless

    Juliana

  • Work in Progress

    Yes, I am a WORK IN PROGRESS. Much like a painting on canvas…frame, foundation and layers upon layers of color and texture. I am touching upon my talents and desires that will make 2011 my most memorable year yet.

    I am that I AM energy that will create a world of acceptance and love for myself and for those around me.

    With a song in my heart…I carry your heart. I carry it inside my heart. You can carve your name in my TREE OF LIFE any day!

    “There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it”

    Charles Dudley Warner (1829-1900)