Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: guidance

  • Dance like no one’s watching….

    “It’s not about surviving the storm, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain”. I read that today and it has stuck with me for hours.

    Each word carries so much weight and so much meaning.

    Many times in life I have held onto a highly misplaced “discipline” to hang on in a bad situation. To weather the storm and ride it out. I think we have been conditioned to believe that only thru suffering can we find true redemption. But the real redemption comes from realizing that the storm is your perception of the situation and of your making.You either walked into the turmoil on your own or you created it by placing yourself in someone elses storm. Your anxiety feeds the storm and keeps the winds of turmoil churning in your life. Like a tornado it gathers up everything in its path and the clutter of people and emotions whirl around you till the sky turns black and it grows into a monster.

    What keeps you imbedded in the storm? Who in their right mind would want to stand in the center of that energy? What binds you there?  FEAR. Fear of making it worse. Fear of failing. Fear of judgement and persecution. Fear of rejection. Maybe someone will laugh or say “I told you so”. Or they may tell you “You bit off more than you can chew”. In the end it doesn’t matter what THEIR perception is. When you can learn to dance in the rain you can diffuse the negative and turn that hail storm into a gentle cleansing rain. Those that thrive in chaos will move to a more favorable climate.

    There is an Irish Proverb that is very simple :

    Work like you don’t need the money.
    Love like you’ve never been hurt.
    Dance like no-one’s watching.
    Sing like no-one’s listening.
    Live like there’s no tomorrow.

    How many of these things do you live by and practice everyday? I try to remind myself of these things each & every day and my skies have never been clearer.Who ever knew I was such a dancer!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

     

  • If the world was ending what would you do…..

    I read on the internet this morning that tomorrow, May 21, 2011  is supposed to be the end of time according to some guy who professes to have done extensive studying of the bible and the Rapture. His name…oh who cares. This guy ( nut job) predicts  May 21, 2011, to be Judgment Day. He came to this conclusion  through a series of Bible-based calculations that assume the world will end exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood, believers are to be transported up to heaven as a worldwide earthquake strikes. Nonbelievers will endure five months of plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment before the planet’s total destruction in October. In 1992 he said the rapture would probably be in 1994, but he now says newer evidence makes the prophesy for this year certain.

    Well, I made it to Sunday school a few times in my day and I could have sworn it said something about “NO MAN WILL KNOW THE DAY”….so….I’m thinking this guy must be a Drag Queen cause they can’t tell time either.

    So, what would you do if you knew the world was ending tomorrow? I called and asked my mom “St. Wanda” this thought provoking question. She calmly replied. “I’d like to be taking a nap but I’ll probably be cutting your daddies toenails.” I love me some Wanda Glynn!!!!

    Here’s the deal. You have a better chance of being hit by a beer truck going home today than being caught up in the Rapture tomorrow. So do what you should be doing everyday anyway. LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE! That way when your time does come…it just won’t matter a bit cause you’ll be good to go on all fronts!

    Live, Laugh, Love

    I love each and ever one of you

    Juliana

  • Living in the Winners Circle…..

    To BE a winner you have to believe you ARE a winner. You have to talk the talk and walk the walk. If you have to fake it till you make it, then so be it!

    The alternative is to feed the negative side of life and live day to day as a victim. A victim of your circumstances AND YOUR OWN BELIEFS. You will be limited by your own perceived limitations. The manifestation of that powerful belief system transforms you into a magnet for all that you fear. Just like in the biblical story of JOB: “precisely that which he fears will be sent upon him”.

    I have lived that FEAR. I feared LIVING and put myself at deaths door. I feared LOVING and pushed away those I claimed to give my heart to. I feared LOSING and broke the delicate things I clung too. It is a hard lesson to learn. And even harder to realize that you called it all upon yourself. Who in their right mind would want to live that life of fear. And so I prayed that God restore my RIGHT MIND.

    The curtain has been lifted and now I see from the other side of the veil. I am a winner because I CHOSE to be. I am living because I do not fear life and all it’s riches any longer. I raise my trophy high and say, “WAY TO GO!” Because if I can’t see what an incredible, beautiful and gifted person I am , then how can I expect anyone else to see it?

    I AM A WINNER….and so are you!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The lil’ Engine that could…..

    As you may, or hell, may not know…I’m a singer. I perform with the Bayou City Performing Arts in Houston. This coming Saturday is our big concert at Cullen Theater.

    It seems rather timely that our conductor would have chosen a concert based on all the diversity around the world. There is so much unrest in the middle east and countries struggling for democracy. Men, women and children have been displaced in Japan by mother nature and the failings of man to predict what good ole mother earth was capable of. Many have lost there lives in the past month on many fronts, for many reasons. So, it is only fitting that we, The Women’s Chorus of Houston, The Gay Men’s Chorus and the Bayou City Chorale should all come together in the universal language of music with such wonderful guests performers as the KIPP SHARP Singers and the United Nations Association International Choir.

    I have never been very good at memorizing lyrics and this show is no exception. Songs in Indian, Hebrew, Hawaiian, African, Spanish boy, talk about a mouth full. But I am studying…okay, cramming. I think I can, I think I can….Crap, even the English is hard since the tempo is running mach 90 with it’s hair on fire.I don’t think I studied this hard in college…well, except for Costume History and that class was a bitch!

    Anyway,we are all putting forth our best efforts to show that Bayou City Performing Arts isn’t just about sexual diversity and tolerance. It’s GLOBAL diversity and tolerance. When we can put aside the things that make us different and focus on the things we have in common we, as a species, can move mountains. Peace between neighbors is possible and a helping hand is just outside your front door.

    if you happen to be in Houston this Saturday,March 26th, Take my hand. Come travel around the world with us. I love each and every one of you. And I promise I’ll know all my songs by Saturday!….I think I can , I think I can…..

    Juliana

    Other guest artists include:

    Brazilian Arts Foundation – Corazon de Mariachi – Golden Peacock Dance Company – Intuitive African Dance & Drum Culture – JTunes – Kuja Kim Korean Dance – Yellow River Chorus – McTeggart Irish Dancers of South Texas – Nritya School of Dance – Pride of the Pacific


  • The buffet of LIFE…..

    I have always hated the phrase “Fake it till you make it”. I’m usually a “feel it or forget it” kinda gal. But today, I woke up feeling puny and within the hour had busted a fever.

    An ice cold diet coke and my comfy couch was calling my name. Just when I had accepted my fate of a day of misery and bad Hallmark Channel movies the girls called. They were in town and wanted to  “Do Brunch”.

    My first impulse was to whine and decline. Which I did ….a little. They gave me an hour to get myself together – no pressure but calling back in an hour.

    It occurred to me as I sat there slouched in my pj’s that someday you have to start living what you learn. All those mantra’s of “The most important time is NOW”,  ” Life is what you make it” and “Choose to be happy” were all buzzing about my head like a nat on a ripe piece of fruit. “Damn it”…yes, I tend to mutter to myself some days. I’ll try the “Fake it till ya make it” routine today.

    I put on my new canary yellow capris and a white cotton peasant blouse…I put makeup on the most important features and soon enough realized…. I felt okay.

    The girls picked me up and we headed to the world famous brunch at the fabulous Baba Yaga’s. We sat outside near the pond neath our own special palapas.

    Now every big girl knows a buffet can be just like a clearance sale at Macy’s, a virtual mine field of “I WANT, I NEED, I HAVE TO HAVE”. So I took my time and made good choices. It’s all about taking it one day at a time. And some days, It’s all about taking it one MEAL at a time.

    I filled my plate with fresh-cut fruit, strawberries, pineapple and watermelon. I passed up the pasta salads and the heavier lunch fair. I selected an Eggs Benedict and a broccoli kiche….I didn’t make it unscathed past the bacon but did for go the homemade waffles. . But overall -not a bad plate. It was delicious. Dessert was served in 1″ x 1″ sq’s. I helped myself to three cause I just couldn’t decide which bite would be best. Amazingly I had 1/3rd of each. Meaning I really had only a 1″ x 1″ desert. ..S.O.A.B.!

    Great girls, great conversation, wonderful weather and a fabulous lunch. I’m so glad I didn’t miss it. Home I went, and a nap was in order. Up in time for an evening rehearsal and my day ended up rather well-rounded with friends, sunshine and song. So much better than a day in the dark on the couch.Life is what you make it. So put on your big girl panties and deal with it. You’ll be glad you did!

    I love each and every one of you and today, I loved Kari Adele just a little bit more!

    Juliana

  • The Power of One

    Healing Humanity begins with one soul. One person who has the courage to say” Heal me Father, make me whole”.

    I don’t ask that you  take away my disease but rather that you take away the  dis-ease in my spirit that impairs my body. My heart is then restored.

    I don’t ask that you take away the fat that clogs and pollutes my system. I ask that you remove the emotional weight I have resisted letting go of for so many years. I know the pounds will follow.

    Take away my false appetites Father and restore my right train of thought. Lead me to those that will feed my soul and nourish my spirit.

    I lay claim to healing in body, mind and spirit.

    I pray for Peace for Humanity, I pray for Perfect Guidance and Clear Understanding for all people in all things. And so it is.

    I love each and every one of you, and yes Lori, some days, I love you just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • Human Touch

    When was the last time you reached outside your comfort zone and took the time to touch someone during your day? I mean, really stop and make direct eye contact and engage someone for a moment that you didn’t even know. Not as part of your job but as a part of LIVING.

    I am guilty. Guilty of running from one task to the next from sun up to sundown, day in and day out, and in those moments letting the living pass me by. We are all probably guilty of ignoring people from time to time. Invisible people, homeless people, physically challenged people,the old and infirm….and yes, the service people who make are days easier by taking away our trash and clipping our lawns and taking away our dirty plates at the restaurant. DIFFERENCES inherently make people uncomfortable. I am aware that I make some people uncomfortable by being overweight. As a large person I can sense those that look PAST me and those that render me  INVISIBLE .I therefore experience times and situations where I am painfully shy. Invisible has become my preference.

    I saw a man the other morning through the window of my apartment gym as I was huffing away on the treadmill. He was tall, thin and blacker than black. He was putting up the umbrellas on the outside patio. He must have felt me watching him as he looked up and caught my gaze then  immediately lowered his eyes and walked away.

    I finished my 30 minute workout and headed upstairs to my apartment. I got a glass of water and a book and headed out to the courtyard to cool down , read and meditate by the fountain. It was cool outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain stilled my mind. I thought of the man I had seen earlier and wondered if he felt as invisible as I do.

    I heard footsteps on the pavement and looked up and saw him again. He was on to his next task – cleaning the courtyard. I watched him for a moment. He made a point not to look up. And I thought…son of a bitch – he is as scared of me as I am of…everybody! In that moment I made the bold, spontaneous decision to speak. “Good morning” I said…making sure I spoke clearly and with purpose. He looked up and shyly returned the greeting. “What’s is your name?” I asked and he said “QUIT” in an obvious accent. I repeated his name and asked him “Where are you from?” He paused and seemed to relax a bit and settled his hands on his broom handle. “Africa” he said. I smiled and said ” Well, I am glad you are here. And THANK YOU for making our home such a nice place to live”. A large smile broke out across his face. He nodded his head and said “You are welcome”. In that moment I knew we had just made each others day.We shared in a human experience.

    It made me glad I went to the gym. I made me glad I took the time to go meditate in the courtyard. I was glad I reached past my own discomfort to maybe ease the discomfort of another. Giving is a gift that comes back to you over and over.

    Take the time to reach out and touch. SEE the people around you and you will be SEEN. All that flows from you and all that flows to you is good when it is sent with pure intent.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Nothing more than Feelings

    I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

    My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

    It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

    When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

    If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

    I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

    I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Easy as riding a bike.

    For those of us who remain single, the next week is well, uncomfortable. The media is bombarding us with images of doting lovers intent on expressing their deepest feelings of love and appreciation. Morning shows engage in unscientific experiments measuring which national florist provides the best bang for you buck. And of course the hottest question of the day….is it from JARED’S?

    Valentine’s Day is just another day….a day we want to get past. The sooner it is over, the better.Well, we may act like it’s “JUST ANOTHER DAY” but deep down inside we all long for the same thing. Someone to say they care.

    Instead of sitting home and crying over all the lost loves of the past while you eat Hagan Das and watch the sappiest movie possible on the Hallmark Channel, try something new.

    OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE. You can’t fill a cup that has a lid on it.

    You may not find love the first time out, or the second or third. But I can gaurantee you will never find it at home while you sit in your granny panties and PJ’s. Love is like everything else in the Universe. If you want it. You gotta be open to it.

    And yes there may be bumps and bruises along the way. But it never kept you from playing outside as a kid. So get back out there. It’s as easy as riding a bike. If you need to borrow my training wheels just let me know. I’ll put you on the list as soon as I am done with them.

  • Nothing but net!

    I was lucky enough last weekend to witness a group of women coming together from around the state for a day of saying “THANK YOU” to a woman who set their life foundation over thirty years ago.Each woman can follow the bouncing ball all the way back to “Downtown” Shirley Brown, their Jr. High Basketball coach.

    She instilled in them a can do attitude and work ethic that serves them still today.She took the time to teach them about basketball and about life. She gave them the tools to work as  team members in their community. She only ever asked that they do their best. And so they gathered to honor a woman who made a difference.

    There are people like this in your life. Many times there are more than one. But if you followed the bouncing ball who would you find? Did you ever tell them about the difference they made in your life? The beauty of life is the gift of giving. Take the time to tell someone they mattered. They made a difference. They gave a gift. It might be the best gift you can ever give them.

    I  love each and everyone of you

    Juliana