Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: guidance

  • Going to the source…..

    This is my favorite picture from my vacation in Hawaii. My final morning when I took my rental car and headed for the Road to Hana. This picture is special. I keep this picture  in a frame top box on my coffee table to remind me of what is possible.

    That final morning I spotted a small state park on the left of the road at the turn off to Hana. I had been walking on beaches for 5 days, black sand, white sand  – but this one seemed different and I was compelled to find out why. I parked the car and walked past the tree line to the beach. I went to the water’s edge and took pictures of surfers and fishermen and tried to paint this last vista into my memory. I felt an incredible peace that morning. I turned to walk back to my car and saw a man clad only in a short white sarong walking towards me. He moved with great purpose and yet his feet seemed to barely disturb the sand.

    His skin was golden. It glowed and the light seemed to shimmer off his shoulders. I couldn’t really tell if the source was actual sunlight or if the glow radiated  from somewhere deep within his body. And it suddenly occurred to me that I was actually questioning the source of this illumination. So I continued to watch him. There was nothing subtle about my gaze.

    I stood there, transfixed on him as he walked by. He smiled and as he passed I lifted the camera to my eye and began shooting as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. He walked away from me and up to the tree line which seemed to have a small clearing. He removed his sarong, bowed in reverence to the sun and then sat….and began his morning meditation. I just stood there…watching….this man…this master….center himself and ground his energy to the earth. He was the perfect picture of peace and I could feel it energizing my own body. I knew instantly that he knew who he was , where he had come from and where he was going.

    I never forgot that moment. I had never seen anyone so peaceful in all my life, so centered and so strong in his silence.

    People sometimes go to great lengths to be noticed. Whether they dress to impress or shout out loud, put stickers on their cars or wave banners in the air. The person who got my attention and impressed me the most these past ten yrs has been the man – who walked by and said absolutely nothing.

    I wanna be like him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Seasons change…..And so do I…..

    There is this incredible moment ….a moment so hard to go back and pin point that you might as well not even try. A moment you just accept  as having happened as soon as you become AWARE of it.

    The AWARENESS comes well after the MOMENT.

    I sat today as I drove between jobs and tried to think…was it yesterday? …the day before? Or Monday….was it Monday??? I had to laugh to myself. The “WHEN” and “HOW” really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the end results  that matter.

    Like many, I have actively struggled with negative feelings, fears and phobias for years. I have struggled to let them go and purge them from my daily existence. I worked to let go of anger and I’ve prayed to be released from the stranglehold of unhealthy emotions. I have read books and done meditations to find that peaceful place where these things can no longer touch me.

    Through my studies I have discovered that you can say the words, even with conviction, like “I forgive you”, “I am worthy”…or “I’m not in love this person anymore”…but it is something else  entirely to believe it and live it. The elusive goal is to no longer feel anger in the back of your throat when you speak a name, to no longer feel a longing in your heart when you hear the name of another or fear a situation. And ultimately, to gather yourself in confidence and move on without regret.

    I had that moment today…that AWARENESS moment when I realized that the season in my life had changed and I wasn’t just ready to move on but that I already had. I felt no attachment to the past and the bag of rocks I had left beside the road somewhere along the way. I couldn’t even tell you how many miles back I had dropped the burden. I was just AWARE of traveling lighter.

    With that lightness today came a joy that had been missing in my life for a long time. It’s was like welcoming a new season…rejoicing in the falls first cold front to break the oppressive heat of a dry Texas summer. There is a crispness in the air, a  lightness in my step and I know that Christmas is just around the corner. Life is a gift…sometimes it even has a bow on it!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • It does get better…..

    There are times in life when that simple phrase “It does get better”, seems not only impossible but down right offensive. How can THIS get better, this loss, this crisis, this upheaval  or tragedy? How can I forget, let go or hope. I’ll tell you how. It’s called CHOICE.

    Choice steers the bus down a better road. It DOES get better.

    Time has the ability to heal all wounds. That doesn’t mean it won’t leave a scar. It just means at some point the bleeding stops and the pain lessens. And though scars can fade they never really go away. They just become part of the landscape.

    Things do get better.

    Rain follows drought. Peace follows turmoil. New life takes the place left vacant by the old. People you couldn’t count on are replaced by those you can. Fear is replaced by determination and progress becomes the master of stagnation.

    Focus on what is in front of you. The past is already set and done, its outcome already decided. You cannot change it. You can only change the way in which you choose to view it and move forward. A multitude of choices line up in front of you like a breakfast buffet. What you put on your plate is up to you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • Pull your head out…..

    There comes a time in life when just putting on your big girl panties isn’t enough armor to get you through the crisis. I know.  It is hard to imagine.

    In those rare instances I become….the turtle. I pull in my short, stubby little front hands badly in need of a manicure. I tuck in my chubby little back legs and pull my knobby head in tight…and WA LA! I am invisible and protected inside a  dark, stylishly minimalistic, yet cramped shell.

    Well…it works for a while. Silence. Solitude. Eventually I got lonely and sent up a few flares to a select few and said “Wanna come over?”…It’s safer for me here.  Come on! ….come over!…I’ll make room!!!  But I get no takers because they can see that it’s a tight squeeze for one, much less a table for two, and the odds that I had bathed were slim to none. But I stay there. In the silence….solitude….scared, till the festering funk that is my confines becomes too toxic to live in.

    I stuck my head out today…and there was light…and fresh air…and room to stretch my legs. Oddly enough….no one attacked. It felt good.

    there had come a point where I  changed my focus from “ME” on the inside to “THEM” on the outside…and I could only talk to THEM – OUT THERE. I found that some people’s crisis were still going on. Some just needed a pat on the back.  Some were just waiting on a clean pair of Big GIRL PANTIES and some were waiting for major reinforcements. I couldn’t contribute to anyone as long as all I saw was the inside of my own shell. So today, I outgrew my shell.

    My Father died 11 days ago. I FEARED feeling too much. I FEARED not feeling enough. I found out that what I felt was just right and that the only one keeping score…was me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Snapshot…..

    Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

    SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

    I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

    The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    **Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Love me , Love me not…..

    I love treats. All kinds of treats. I am treated on occasion to a  glimpse of a beautiful woman. One I know well, quite intimately in fact.   I don’t see her everyday. In fact, seeing her is as unpredictable as winning the Lottery. But it happens, when I least expect it. But always when I need it most.

    It took me a long time to get to know her. But I invested the time. I thought it would be worth the effort. Uncertain of my intentions, I was held at bay for a while. Which was to be expected. But not too terribly long as we had much in common. People, places and things. Common bridges to common destinations.

    She is strong. Do not doubt that, but so soft I think she might melt away some day. Her voice rings in  my ear and whispers encouraging words from a distance place. And I listen….intently. Soaking up all I can of the unseen energy.

    She told me her secrets and seems to know mine. She sees my potential and reminds me I deserve all life has to offer. She knows the answers before I ever ask the questions. She even said I was beautiful. Oh how I would like to believe that.

    It’s hard to always trust. To believe what you hear.

    The children’s rhyme chimes in. “She loves me, She loves me not, She loves me, She loves me not”….plucking petals from a flower I know the answer before the last petal falls. It took me a long time to find her. To love her  unconditionally. She is smart and witty, talented and beautiful, tender and loving. Does she love me? She does. How do I know?  Because she… is me.

    Loving others completely comes only when you can honestly love yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Strike a Match…..

    Darkness is defined as the absence of LIGHT. Conflict comes when you bump into all the unknown in the dark and you fight for your space and your security. When a match is struck even in the darkest corner it can give us the ability to see what lies around us. We find out that what we bumped into was a chair, a door or even another person just like ourselves lost in the dark.  Darkness exists no longer when the smallest candle is lit. Be a light where ever you go today. It’s not just for you but for the people around you who need help seeing things just a bit clearer. The more I can see, the more people can see me and the more they can see themselves in me! So goes the life of the messenger.

    I’m headed once more to the hospital with my father. Light a candle for us all.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Love Spell…..

    I admit. It ain’t easy being me. LIFE is simple, it’s just not always easy. And there in lies the rub. I’m not talking about the annoying RUB that happens when you forget to wear your bicycle shorts under your skirt either. You know what I am talking about, some of us have issues. Especially in this 110 degree heat. A big girl’s rubenesque thighs, when darting to the BOGO at Lane Bryant, can rub together with enough friction and force to set off a small forest fire for sure. And HELLO….haven’t you heard? There is a BURN BAN. Yet another reason to tend to your bits and pieces and keep your yard work done! Just saying!

    Oh, sorry…my thighs took me off track.

    LIFE is simple. Change is SIMPLE. Neither is EASY.  WTF?  Right?

    Example #1: I AM NOT A HOARDER! But why do I find it so hard to bag up a whole entire drawer of belts that I never wear, that do not fit and even if they did I wouldn’t wear. Some are extra cheap and came with outfits, some I bought during my “Cowgirl” stage and some I’m sure are leftovers discarded and left behind by more than one ex-lover…It’s SIMPLE – Bag and tag. DONATE.

    Example #2: I have a bottle of LOVE SPELL from Victoria Secret that my ex-lover gave me when we were dating, you know…that whole “spray this on your pillow and think of me” bit. I’m not too proud to say I did just that on more than one occasion but since we are no longer together and haven’t been for more than a year it just seemed cheesy. It sat on my dresser for ever….then I dared to actually wear it myself cause I do really like the way it smelled. And yes…I did worry that someone would NOTICE that I smelled like HER and look at me like I had two heads. Of course that never happened. Today, I used the last of it and should have just tossed the bottle….but….but….but…..I couldn’t do it. Sounds pretty SIMPLE though right? Throw it away! It’s not like I collect empty containers…shampoo and mouthwash bottles do not line my driveway! And it’s not like she’s going to come back some day and want to know where her toothbrush, belt and body splash went!  I know without a doubt that I won’t ever buy LOVE SPELL body splash for myself. Though the thought of going into a Victoria Secret store at the mall and watching the sales girl’s face fall when I walk in to SHOP is pretty priceless since nothing in the store could cover my left tit. I KNOW: Bag it – tag it – toss it.

    Example #3: I already know that if I take the time to pack all my Scooby Snacks and eat properly every day that I FEEL better. I know that it is important to keep up with all my medications for this and that. I know I need to exercise to keep ahead of the game as much as possible. I know that I’m on a short leash here….but I still find it hard to make the TIME to make it important. The simple thing is TIME already exists. It’s not something I have to make up. The program is easy. The process is easy. The time is there. Why is it when you put it all together it just seems so difficult? Bag it – tag it and pack it up!

    Having the perception that ANY of these things is HARD is a conscious choice on my part and a battle that I have created within myself. Change is simple -just let go.  Life is simple….be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t wait for the world to change to join the ride or you will most certainly miss the party!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Prayers and Angels…..

    It is in the half clouded moments before I awake, in the morning hours before dawn, that I see things the clearest with my minds eye. I have a deep rooted sense of calm. I know firmly who I am. I have no fear or trepidation. I don’t know want or lack. I don’t feel the need to look around me, forward or back. The urgency of the world is not just held at bay…it does not exist.

    It is here that I feel you, above me, below me, beside me and behind me. I feel the arms of a thousand angels wrap me in a soft warm blanket of serenity. And I know that I am loved, held in the balance of so many hands. Whispers fill my ear and flow directly to my heart like life’s blood. I know who you are. I know why you are and it is good.

    Prayers and angels I send back to you. Thanks for the loaner.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Blue days…..

    Blue days have a way of sneaking up on me. I guess I looked as pitiful as a kitten who couldn’t go out to play yesterday afternoon. The A/C was out when I got home and the maintenance worker dropped by to check it out. He has been to my unit several times before since I moved in last December and he is sweet as he can be and no bigger than a minute. Lucky for him there isn’t a maintenance man chart that says , “Must be this tall to be a repair man”, or he would have been in some serious trouble. We exchanged the normal niceties and he went about his chores. He changed the filter and added freon and soon I was good to go.

    He climbed down from his ladder and stood there wiping his hands on his rag. He stashed the rumpled fabric  in his hip pocket, lifted the ladder and started to go but hesitated, set down the ladder  and asked me very politely if not in perfect English, “Ma’am, do you mind I tell you something?”…I thought he was going to tell me how to program the damn computerized thermostat or how to save on my electric bill. Instead he looked me straight in the eye and said in the most loving voice.

    “Ma’am, I always like seeing you in the hallways  and always love come to your unit. When I walk in, is refreshing with clean smells, energy  and happiness. Today, I think you are no happy. I come in the door and I don’t feel your smile. Please, take time and put you beautiful smile back on, for me, please. So beautiful you’re smile. Makes everyone happy to see.”

    Wow, a repair man AND a therapist. Talk about amenities! Do I know where to live or what?

    In less than 24 hours of coming home from a great weekend I had slid right into a BLUE DAY.

    I am forced to face yet another round of doctor appointments for a heart that just can’t seem to find a beat. At least, not a regular one anyway. I’ve put it off for weeks busy riding the wave of life! But the wave crashed the shores and I have run out of excuses to ignore it any longer. The worse side effects of an abnormal heart beat are the water retention and the over whelming feeling of being just too damn tired to move. So I laid on the couch and thought about what my little man had to say.

    He didn’t “feel my smile” last night cause I just couldn’t find one. It had left the building. Getting it back, I realize, is just a choice away. A decision to change how I feel inside and out. To be thankful for what I have. I have more than some and less than many but always plenty to share. To love the people who love me and bless those that don’t and yes, there are actually a few out there. To appreciate the moments and live in the now cause yesterday is just a memory that will fade with time.  For every day is a gift…Some days you need a bow, shiny paper and even some curly ribbons  to wrap it up and make it look pretty….but it is a gift none the less.

    I love each and every one of you. If you weren’t in my life there would be no life worth having.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen