Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: faith

  • Love me , Love me not…..

    I love treats. All kinds of treats. I am treated on occasion to a  glimpse of a beautiful woman. One I know well, quite intimately in fact.   I don’t see her everyday. In fact, seeing her is as unpredictable as winning the Lottery. But it happens, when I least expect it. But always when I need it most.

    It took me a long time to get to know her. But I invested the time. I thought it would be worth the effort. Uncertain of my intentions, I was held at bay for a while. Which was to be expected. But not too terribly long as we had much in common. People, places and things. Common bridges to common destinations.

    She is strong. Do not doubt that, but so soft I think she might melt away some day. Her voice rings in  my ear and whispers encouraging words from a distance place. And I listen….intently. Soaking up all I can of the unseen energy.

    She told me her secrets and seems to know mine. She sees my potential and reminds me I deserve all life has to offer. She knows the answers before I ever ask the questions. She even said I was beautiful. Oh how I would like to believe that.

    It’s hard to always trust. To believe what you hear.

    The children’s rhyme chimes in. “She loves me, She loves me not, She loves me, She loves me not”….plucking petals from a flower I know the answer before the last petal falls. It took me a long time to find her. To love her  unconditionally. She is smart and witty, talented and beautiful, tender and loving. Does she love me? She does. How do I know?  Because she… is me.

    Loving others completely comes only when you can honestly love yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Weightless moments…..

    I empty my mind and wait for the feeling of weightlessness to wash over me. Movement becomes more fluid. Breathing becomes less necessary, butterflies bounce around my stomach and time stands still. It feels like it will never end.

    Memories of weightlessness flood my mind.

    I remember when I was a little girl  how I loved the swing sets. The drive and determination to swing higher and higher possessed me. What joy awaited you in that perfect moment when you were as high as high could go and just before falling back to earth….you were weightless. Hanging in the moment in time and space.

    When I was a teenager I had pneumonia and had been home in bed for several days. After a whole evening racked with a cough I fell asleep. That evening, I became aware of an incredible sensation. I was floating above my bed and had the presence of mind to assess my situation. I ran thru a mental checklist. Yes, I was still in my bedroom. No, I no longer felt pain or fatigue. I was neither hot nor cold and I found it amusing that I no longer needed to breathe. I felt a smile in my heart and it crept across my face. I was most content with my new found situation. Summoned by the silence, my mother came to my room and immediately called for my father. I remembered thinking…”No, Go Away – I’m fine”, but I suddenly felt like I had been grabbed and thrown to the floor. A rush of air filled my lungs and the pain was so intense I was certain my lungs would burst. I was home. I was awake. I was weightless no more.

    The sensation eluded me up until 4 days before my 22nd birthday. It was New Years Eve and we had been blessed with the vacant yet well stocked home of a friend’s “out of town” parents. We were told to make ourselves at home. Which we promptly did. My best friend and I were there with guys that were friends from high school that we each had some sizable interest in. After all…it was New Years Eve. We played with Oreo the house dog and drank from the wet bar all night. I’m sure we danced and joked for hours but you see I don’t remember it that much. At the stroke of midnight my best friend grabbed my hand and pulled me close to her and kissed me..long and hard.  I had never been kissed by a girl before. I couldn’t feel the floor. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to lift me right off my feet. Time stood still and the noise of the midnight revelry gave way to silence. I thought to myself how amazingly soft her lips were. How sweet her breath. i could stay there forever in that embrace. In the moment of that kiss I discovered who I was. And I was weightless and finally free.

    There are more weightless moments to come in my life.  Moments that will suspend me in time and lift my feet off the floor. Life is a ride. Won’t you ride it with me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU”……


    You’re right……… It’s not about me…..it’s about moments and getting through to the next one.

    AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS

    Life is a lesson….I hate home work.

  • Because you loved me…..

    The best Sunday church is any Sunday with close friends. If we can have that “church” on the lake or at the beach – well, that’s just heaven on earth. Now according to Websters Dictionary “Church” is nothing more than  A building used for public Christian worship

    So, I guess I’m not talking about “traditional” church. That’s fine for some folks. I’m not knocking it. They need the routine of putting on their Sunday best, minding the clock and arriving at the proper place at the proper time. They stay the allocated time and then after dotting the “I’s” and Crossing the “T’s” they can face the coming week having been fed their spiritual message for the week.

    But I find that I am closer to the Source when I am outside and with people who make me think and remind me “who I am and where I am from”. I am child of God and I am part of the Source.

    Like Celine Dion sings “I’m everything I am because you loved me”. That could not be more true. I would not be the person I am or be where I am today without the love of all those who have walked in and thru my life. THEY are my CHURCH. My lesson this month has been on FORGIVENESS.

    David was my “country preacher” when he reminded me that “Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It’s like setting down a bag of rocks” Set it down and walk away. Life is something that is in front of you. Lighten your load and walk on.

    Suzi my “New Age” Spiritualist said. Forgiveness is something you give and give THANKS for. Release the person and/or the situation by saying;  “I thank you FOR-GIVING me the life lessons that changed and molded my life.”

    Forgiveness is still a hard lesson and we are often reluctant to let go of our “Hurt” after all, it’s ours, we own it and in some instances we have hung our hat on it for years. You have met these people and in some instances you ARE that person. “I can’t commit because I was abandoned, I can’t trust because I was deceived. I gave my heart, it wasn’t cherished. That is not living, it is existing behind a shield that was self manufactured. The shield doesn’t protect you from the things on the outside. It stands between you and the person you are on the inside. Use that shiny shield you spend so much time maintaining as a mirror. Look in the mirror and see what I see. You are not broken, you are not stained. You are a perfect child of God.

    It was my life long teacher Swanette who told me “Forgiveness is as complicated as love.  It all comes in its own time.”

    For me, there is no time like the present. I forgive myself for toting that bag of rocks all these years. I forgive myself for spending time tending my shield when I could have been smelling the roses. I am thankful to everyone for-giving me the life lessons I needed to be the person I am today.

    I sing it loud, I sing it proud. It is my song today. I’m everything I am because you loved me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Knock…Knock…..

    Whose there….

    Me….

    Me who???

    I’m not sure. I was hoping you could tell me….

    Tell you what?

    Who I am….

    Are you lost??

    I don’t think so…

    So why did you knock on my door?

    I’m not sure…It seemed like the right thing to do…

    Do you need something? Are you hurt or hungry?

    No. I’m think I’m just waiting….

    Waiting?  Waiting for what?

    Not sure…I think I’ll know it when I see it.

    Should I call the Police?

    Why? Are you afraid?

    NO! Well, yes…maybe a little. I mean you’re here and I don’t know where you’re from or who you are, what you want or who even sent you….

    Sometimes we over analyze and are so busy questioning our lives that we miss the guidance that comes our way. We are frozen by the lack of FAITH and live behind the door safely shut away from the world.  When OPPORTUNITY knocks….it rarely has time to explain how it got there. Be a good neighbor and open the door.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Calling all Angels…..

    The night is silent in this house except for the hum of a fan in the corner. I sit and stare at a blue eye like my own and wonder if it sees the shooting star coming it’s way. I don’t always see them coming but I sense their presence in my life, glimmering swift messengers I tack my wishes to.

    My wishes are prayers I send out to the Heavens each night. I wish you peace in all things. I wish you guidance when you’re unsure of your next step. I wish you perfect understanding in all life’s challenges. I wish you happiness and most of all, I wish you love.

    Sleep as if held in the arms of angels and know that you are loved 100 times more than you can ever imagine. Thank you, my angels, for always being there when I call.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Dance with my father……

    My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”

    Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.

    I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.

    I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.

    I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses  to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.

    I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.

    What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.

    I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Video link to Dance with My Father.

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  • Shifting sands……

    The shifting sands of life can sometimes seem to spread out in every direction and appear so vast an expanse of nothing-ness that you lose your bearings. Sand spills into every opening in your shoes making every step you take that much more difficult and uncomfortable. The hot winds have left you so parched you couldn’t call out a name if you tried. Progress seems impossible. Survival both emotional, mental and physical is challenged to the breaking point.

    Stop – Look – Listen. That is not a freight train coming at you….it is an OASIS.

    There you will find water to quench your thirst, shelter from the hot pounding rays of the sun and food to feed your soul.

    Life is hardest when we put up the fight to cross the desert all in one trip. Take your time.

    The prize is not in the far away distance…. the prize is already in your hand. Relax your grip and open your hand wide. Make room for the hand of inner voice to guide you to safety.

    All that you have been and all that you have done has been a journey worth taking. There is more to come…..once you have rested.

     

    I love each and every one of you. Today I say to someone I love – Love yourself just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • Here comes the sun…..

    Quietly I made my way thru the house this morning past the rooms of still slumbering sand warriors who went to bed in the wee hours of the morning nursing their sunburns and still wearing their glow-in-the-dark necklaces.

    The deck was all mine and so was the entire beach. Not a soul insight. Just me, the seagulls and the rising sun creeping up over the waves that washed the beach clean and smooth.

    I settled into the heavy sun-bleached wooden rocker and thought “what a lovely way to pray and start my day.”

    “Dear heavenly Father, I welcome the sun. I am surrounded by the light of Christ, I am filled with the life of God. All that comes to me and all that comes from me is good. Fill me with Peace, Guidance and Understanding in all things. Open my eyes that I might see clearly, open my ears that I might hear the message and open my heart that I might know the truth. Bless those that cross my path as they have all come and gone for a reason. I send them light and love. Bless us all Father as we journey back to our homes today. We are truly blessed to know who we are and where we came from.”

    Let the games begin.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • After the Rapture…..

    I’m still here. Are you still here? …..Thought so.

    I got up and took my ipod to the pool this morning to relax and soak up some sun. It was early and I had the entire pool deck to myself. It was quite except for the sound of a breeze rustling through the palm tree tops. I happily soaked in the serenity of the moment and smiled inside and out. It dawned on me that there were actually people in the world who would be sad today that they were still living and not swept up to the heavens on Saturday. Many had given up jobs and spent life savings, stood in airports and on street corners warning people the end was near. Now, the day after, they are faced with the weight of an enormous question. WHAT NEXT?

    In good southern style I thought to myself …….”Bless their hearts”.

    I started rustling  thru my bag. I had haphazardly grabbed a random bag from the closet and tossed in the usual. A towel, 50 factor sunscreen for babies (I’m delicate – damnit), iPod, and bottled water. As I dug around I found a loose piece of paper and pulled it out to see what it was. It was a funeral program left over from a friends father’s passing. It had been in there for nearly two years. I read it cover to cover and studied the pictures on each page. Youth, Parents, Children, Family…all that goes with living.

    That was it – THE KEY…The answer to the HUGE question hanging over these poor peoples heads……it was simple and right in front of them….LIFE. Life is what is next.

    This man lived it. He didn’t hide from it, he didn’t fear it and he didn’t spend his life savings focusing on the end of it. So many of these doomsday people are so focused on how and when they will die or transition to the other side of life that they FORGET TO LIVE. They are so shackled in fear that they can’t …LIVE. Bless their hearts again.

    I want you to try something. A mental exercise of sorts. Most of us aren’t doomsday fanatics but we do shackle and bind our hearts with fear. Fear of many things, rejection, being hurt, being betrayed…And most of those things when reduced to their core mean LOVE and ACCEPTANCE.

    So many have locked away their hearts in an attempt to live a more protected and safe life. Stop it! Unchain your heart. Open it and let love and life’s energy flow from you so that it may return to you. Think about this. How many “Friends” do you have just on FACEBOOK. If you opened up your heart and just let it flow out to those people…it would cost you nothing . Imagine if each of those people did the same for you and think of all the love that would come back to you. 100 fold…200 fold…500 fold…? How many friends do you have??? 1000?

    Don’t be afraid to live your life. Don’t spend your time protecting yourself from the pitfalls of life – you’ll miss life altogether. Love who and where you are. Enjoy THIS moment. Live THIS time in your life. Ride the ride. You are loved by so many. Most people don’t realize how loved they are till they lose it. So choose to see it in all aspects of your life. Open your heart. There is no time BUT the present.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana