Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: weight lose

  • XXX Confessions…..

    Dieting, I am beginning to realize, is a lot like sex. When you have to do the same thing over and over it can get stale and let’s face it – boring. The temptation to stray can be overwhelming. Excitement mounts at the thought of something new,different and dangerous. Before you know it you’re sitting at Phil & Derek’s Cafe having a threesome over the most sinful dish of macaroni and cheese with white truffle oil that you ever dipped your spoon in. Work with me here. I’m still talking about the dieting.

    Jimmie Swaggart may have only paid a prostitute to take of her clothes so he could watch over…and over…and over. But I dove right in and tasted the forbidden fruit. And ooooh my God is was gooooood!!!! Ounce for ounce my mac-n-cheese cost WAY more than a New Orleans hooker but it was worth every penny. I know you are supposed to confess with remorse in your heart but I just can’t muster any up right now.

    Life happens and stress mounts as family matters pop up and friends pass or fall on hard times. It’s harder and harder to MAKE TIME to take care of my business. But I know the only one I am neglecting is myself. I didn’t feel as good this week as I had been feeling so I worked today on getting back on track. I battled the 4th of July foodies at the local grocery fighting their way through the hotdogs and beer and gathered up a bevy of heathy Scooby Snacks and dinner fix’ins. I came home and fixed up my two-week supply of snack bags for work.And now I feel a little better about the whole situation.

    I guess I’m standing before the congregation of life and proclaiming my re-dedication to the cause. I feel like I should say the Pledge of Allegiance or something to make it official but instead…I’m gonna put my feet up and watch Paula Deen on the cooking channel. Mmmm. I love me some Paula Deen!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • THAT’S LOVE BABY!…..

    I would like to be light as a feather on the breeze, easily turned this way and that, floating free on the wind that pushes me upward and onward.

    Losing weight is not just about your body. Healing the body is just a cosmetic approach and doesn’t guarantee the mind will follow.   That is why so many people gain back the weight they fought so hard to lose. Heal the mind and the heart and the body will transform and mold to the new thought patterns you establish.

    Weight is not just on the outside. Weight is the load your heart carries everyday of anger, judgement, guilt and blame. These emotions bind us in chains and will sink us into the deep if we don’t let go. It is only through FORGIVENESS that you can lighten your load and ease your burden.

    Many times in life a friend or loved ones will lash out and hurt us. And we have done the same to them but it is easier to forget what impact we may have had on them and focus our own pain. We are all to blame. We don’t trust because we ourselves at one time weren’t trust worthy. We don’t forgive because we are afraid we can’t be forgiven. But to move on in life is to realize the beauty and love that is in each individual and realize we all have acted out of fear from time to time.

    Forgiveness is NOT a twelve step program. You don’t have to write a letter, or go to group to make amends. Just give yourself the time to turn within and envision the person who hurt you and then see the light of God fill them from head to toe and spread out from their body. Imagine yourself beside them, the light filling your own body and radiating outward.  Look into that light. That light will glow so brightly that all you will see is the radiance that was meant to be all along. The two lights will overlap and become one. It’s love baby. It’s what you are – it’s what they are. You are equal in God’s eyes. Forgive yourself at the same time you forgive everyone else. Lighten your load. Don’t judge – don’t blame. Heal your heart. And your body will follow.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • SALE!!!!!…..

    Tomorrow is weigh in day for my Weight Watchers -Scooby Do – Lifestyle change. I have been on a “plateau” for three weeks and I am hoping to bust through and get this ball rolling again.

    I’m still not as active as the “Activity Tracker” would like me to be but I’m working on it. If you got points for laughing your ass off I would have rocked my numbers right off the chart today.

    I went to the Farmers Market today and picked up fresh peaches and strawberries for my sweet momma, Wanda, to work her magic on and make into yummy jams. I had my goodies and pulled out headed North to Conroe and, being frugal, opted to head up AIRLINE to the freeway instead of taking the toll road. This short section of road is called “Crack Alley” for more reason than one. Everybody is peddling one kinda “crack” or another.

    I pulled up to a stop light and glanced to my right and low and behold “Shera” Princess of Power was primping in the dusty, painted over window of a closed down store. I let out an audible OH MY MERCY…….thankfully my windows were up! And then I got the giggles – Bad! Okay – I almost peed myself laughing for the next 5 miles at least.

    You couldn’t fault her – bless her heart. I’ve been preaching for the last year that everyone is beautiful and everyone has value and everyone should feel good in their own skin no matter how thick or thin, pretty or plain.  So in her own way – this bitch was fierce!

    She was rocking her homemade daisy dukes that were so short that the frayed denim threads looked more like fringe across the top of her ..hmmm….cheeks. I swear to Jesus she had to have had those shorts rigged with a trick snap crotch cause there was no way in hell that the remnants of those jeans was coming down over her hips. The multi-colored, one size fits all tube top??? Very appropriate for 102 weather in Houston and the fact that ONE-SIZE was several sizes too small just made it a little thinner …..cooler…around her ample mid-drift. I thought the high heeled Gladiator sandals might have been a bit much for 10am but to each their own I saw worse at Fashion Week last fall on the streets of New York. The 80’s style wig was more than making up for that faux pas.

    My point is…..as I still sit here giggling…is that she was taking pride in her look and primping in the window, applying a new layer of lip gloss and adjusting her ..or somebody’s…hair. She obviously felt good enough about herself to put a price on it and sell it. And she didn’t look like she was starving so I think she must have plenty of buyers.

    Now – I’m not encouraging anyone to put on a “fierce” outfit and hit the streets but by God if we just had a smidgen of her self confidence and were willing to declare our worth to every passing stranger I know some bitches that would be ruling the world!

    Rock on Shera Princess of Power! I’m gonna take some of that fierceness into next week whether  I break thru this “Plateau” or not. I’m not giving up. I’m primping in my own mirror and setting my price! I don’t even care if I get any buyers – I just love a good SALE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Better products…..Lower prices…..Farmers Market…

    Okay, so I was never a huge fruit and vegetable consumer. Vegetables were those things I spent money on with every good intention of cooking up something FAB-U-LOUS but most often was left to grow hair in the bottom drawer of my fridge. I’m sure I could have sold that stuff to  Hair Club for Men and made some major dinero. FRUIT?…Looked sooooo pretty in the bowl….on the counter….till it turned brown and hatched a bevy of fruit flies. Meat, cheese and bread were my major food groups. There is nothing better than a big ol’ bologna sammich with cheese!

    But now that I am on Weight Watchers and making a true diligent effort over here to eat right and feel healthier everyday I have started shopping for, you guessed it, FRUIT & VEGGIES.

    Much to my shock and dismay they all but want you to take out a 401K to stroll thru the vegetable department at the local grocery store. Reach for a pretty red, shiny bell pepper….slam on the breaks $1.79 EACH…..Cucumbers? a reasonable $1.00 each (so I think). Peaches and apples $1.79 a lb…don’t blink but some apples and oranges weigh almost a lb each. So, today I went to the Farmers Market on Airline. No, there was no “air-conditioned” comfort,  no guitar player on a stool strumming a John Denver songs (gotta love Kroger’s on a Saturday) and no ORGANIC section. But what I did find was a red bell pepper for $1.95 per pound instead of a  per piece price. My total cost for a red bell pepper $.47 cents. Cucumbers – 3 for a dollar. Big juicy peaches from N. Carolina were .98 cents a lb…Same for Gala Apples and Golden Delicious. These aren’t sale prices they are the every day prices. The quality is so much better and the prices so much more reasonable that I will always make TWO trips when grocery shopping. Farmers Market and that other place…Kroger’s, HEB, Randall’s – whoever has paper towels and toilet paper on sale will get my vote.

    And with all that money I save…I think I’ll spring for the $79.99  classically nostalgic, Bobby Sherman lunch box on eBay I found!

    I love each and every one of you but today I love Bobby Sherman more…….swwoooooonnnnn

    Juliana

  • Staying on track…..

    We moved to Conroe, Texas when I was 5 years old. I can still remember the address, 206 South First Street, just across from the county hospital and only a few blocks from the railroad tracks. I listened to the whistle blow and the clacking of the cars on the tracks many a night.

    During the day, the tracks were our playground and our boundary. “Don’t go past the tracks”…Yes Mame….I always said “yes Mame”…..and then I went about crossing the tracks back and forth and around the corner on my blue, banana seat bicycle with streamers out the handles. I just figured –  It wasn’t like she was gonna come looking for me. So off to the tracks we would go. We took turns putting our ear to the track listening for the coming trains just like we saw in the old west movies. We’d put pennies on the rails and sat hoping for a passing train to flatten them as thin as paper. I loved gathering the big, fat juicy blackberries that grew along the tracks every summer. We ate tons and occasionally we made it back to the house before dark for mom to make a cobbler.

    Tracks…such a powerful symbol. Always going somewhere leading you towards the next station.

    I came back from a vacation weekend last night and though I hadn’t lost any additional weight, I hadn’t gained any either. I kept telling myself all day today. You gotta stay on track. Focus, Focus, Focus….chug, chug, chug….every penny I flatten is a pound behind me.

    Motivating yourself is key to making progress. It’s something you have to renew everyday. If you allow yourself to get derailed you’ll just sit in a side yard forever. I’m staying on track and I’m moving on down the line….Choooo…Choooo.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    See Ya!

     

  • When I was a child….

    When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

    I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

    So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

    It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

    I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

    Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

    I still felt huge.

    The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

    Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

    I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

    Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

    Juliana

  • Before and After….

    I HATE the before and after pictures the weight loss companies post to entice you to lose weight. Weight Watchers wants to see YOUR starting photo as well.

    Aghh, I just could NOT make myself put on a pair of tights and tank top two sizes too small and take my photo in a mirror of myself slouching and frowning like someone out of camera range had bad gas….You know what I’m talking about don’t cha?

    But just for shits and grins I am posting a casual picture of me at work today. You don’t have to see every bump and ripple to tell I am pretty damn heavy. But what should catch your eye most is not my size but the fact that I am comfortable and happy.

    I am not afraid to show you who I am today, yesterday or who I will become tomorrow. I will not hide away from the world till I am “perfect” for you to see and know. I would rather you see the work in progress.

    I have been up and I have been down in more ways than one. But it is the sum total of all my experiences and encounters that have brought me to this place today and it’s a good place to be. So feel free to follow me on my journey. I can only promise it will never be boring…I DO promise never to post full body shots of me in spandex.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Life is Good!

  • The Power of FEET…..

    Feet…I don’t pay much attention to them except when they are swollen twice their normal size and hurting like a big dog but today, I decided to wear some cute little black flats with my summer outfit of choice. I put them on and did a double take. Eeeewwwwww. Whose feet are these???

    These ragged, rough examples of worn out soles are in serious need of attention. Professional attention!

    Losing weight and feeling good makes you stop and look in the mirror you usually would have avoided. It makes you want to wear the latest seasonal fashions and fads instead of your worn out Target T-shirt and jeans. It’s all about feeling better, being healthy and taking care of the things that keep you moving forward in your life. And FEET are at the top of the list!! They are our foundation. They help us hold our ground or dodge a bullet. They can kick ass when necessary or deliver a flirty message underneath the tablecloth at your favorite restaurant.  So wether you use your feet for function or flirting just remember to take care of what is carrying you through the day.

    So today at lunch- I will munch on my scooby snacks on the way to the salon for a mani-pedi. I’m making time for what is important. ME!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Urban Myths…..And speeding bullets….

    Have you ever heard someone say, “My, My,  mercy. That woman is as big around as she is tall”. Which is quickly followed by some knee slapping, a good belly laugh and maybe a snort or two.

    I’m sure you are all equally, if  not more, familiar with the age-old phrase “curiosity killed the cat”….well, put this puss 6 feet under. My curiosity got the best of me. All those damn “trackers” on the POINTSPLUS with Weight Watchers did me in. I discovered last week that there was not only your POINTS Tracker and an Activity Tracker and a Weight Tracker but down in the right hand corner was a MEASUREMENT TRACKER. Can you see the speeding bullet coming at you. Well, I forgot to duck and seeing as I  have blonde highlights in my hair for the summer  it took me a few days for it to dawn on me.

    My hips measured 63 inches. DANG!!!! I know – SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

    Someone sent me an email with one of those chinese number bullshit things. Add your current age to the year you were born and no matter what it will be 111. I tried it – it worked, BFD! Then I decided…huh…I wonder what 63 inches is converted into feet?

    Let me just say I started backwards and converted my height into inches just for comparison’s sake. I’m 5’4″ tall. You do the math………..I’ll wait……….if you got 63, you suck at math. If you got 64 then you are correct. And no I am not as big around as I am tall but I’m damn near it!!!

    How many more ways is Weight Watchers going to hold me accountable? For Christ’s sake it’s all on-line. I joined so I wouldn’t have to go to weekly meetings and be held ACCOUNTABLE  at weigh in with a room full of strangers. Damn it! Foiled again!

    Well, the automated Fat Patrol is doing its duty. I’m 3 weeks in and have lost 5% of my body weight. HA! Take that Mr. Tracker….course I only know that because the tracker told me so.

    I love each and every one of you. Watch out for speeding bullets!

    Juliana

  • Testing…One…Two…Three….

    Okay – FIRST just let me same this photo made me laugh….you figure it out!

    TODAY is EXAM day. I am going downtown and checking into the Crowne Plaza with LAW and we are going to go to the ASTROS game this afternoon. Then a party tonight and lounging by the pool and massive pampering tomorrow morning before hitting the coast for a late lunch in Surfside.

    I started to pack up my Scooby snacks and then realized “You can’t take your lunch box to the ball park dummy!” 😦

    So, the test this weekend is to see if after 3 weeks of Weight Watchers can I calculate my points from common restaurant and street faire food without taking my lap top computer everywhere I go to log in all my points. MAN!  What happened to the good ole diet days of just sheer deprivation?

    That’s the tricky part of making you RESPONSIBLE for your choices. I can HAVE a ballpark hotdog I just have to count the 10 points. Hmmmm. Maybe not the best choice for 10 points. Oh and BTW….10 points is for the regular dog…not the mega foot-long cheese, chili and jalapeno smothered dog that is my favorite!

    The best thing is that eventually…if I keep passing these random weekend tests, my ass will eventually COMFORTABLY fit in one of those stadium seats.

    The bigger life picture is that making responsible choices is something  you need to learn to do in all aspects of your life every day. Not just your food choices. Remember….If you feel that your life is not your own…then that’s because you made the CHOICE to give it away.  You have to sail your own ship to stay on course. You can’t place the responsibility of your happiness with other people no matter how much you think you need or love them or vice versa. When you spend your life telling other people that their needs matter more than yours then eventually they will believe what you are preaching. Your value on their life meter will diminish because that is what you projected. Your personal sacrifices will not be recognized as you would expect- they rightfully will perceive your actions as YOUR CHOICE.

    I love each and every one of you. And hope you all make great choices this weekend.

    Juliana