Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: motivational

  • Hell of a ride…..

    When I was a kid I loved to make wishes on dandelions and blooooooow….The fuzzy white seed pods would fly apart and I watched them drift away in the summer sun like mini storm troopers parachuting to earth.  Honestly, I still love doing that. But I think I have refined the process. It’s not just WISHES anymore. It is CLEAR INTENT. It is pure thought, born of faith, that can become manifest if you just see it in your minds eye. Just like the wish you make before you blow out a birthday candle. Close you eyes and WISH. Close your eyes and see that wish coming true. Claim it with pure intent.

    When you can stand your ground and proclaim with clear intent then you bend the ear of the Universe and you are heard. I have lots of wishes, some for me and some for you and some just for the dandelion.

    Don’t be afraid to dream. Don’t shy away from success. It is never to late to awaken your inner child and believe that all things are possible. Whether you are 8 or 80 you can redirect your life everyday you wake up and put your feet to the floor. Nuetral is not a speed. Engage your mind, awaken your heart and dream the bigger life you want into existence.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    And a special shout out to Ragan who said on danceswithfat.blog today

    “The fact that dating me means choosing to see beyond the stereotype of beauty is a natural screening process for cowards.  And that’s awesome, because you must be this brave to ride this ride.”

    Oh yeah, baby! You know it!. And believe me, no matter what I weigh – I AM ONE HELL OF A RIDE!

  • The lil’ Engine that could…..

    As you may, or hell, may not know…I’m a singer. I perform with the Bayou City Performing Arts in Houston. This coming Saturday is our big concert at Cullen Theater.

    It seems rather timely that our conductor would have chosen a concert based on all the diversity around the world. There is so much unrest in the middle east and countries struggling for democracy. Men, women and children have been displaced in Japan by mother nature and the failings of man to predict what good ole mother earth was capable of. Many have lost there lives in the past month on many fronts, for many reasons. So, it is only fitting that we, The Women’s Chorus of Houston, The Gay Men’s Chorus and the Bayou City Chorale should all come together in the universal language of music with such wonderful guests performers as the KIPP SHARP Singers and the United Nations Association International Choir.

    I have never been very good at memorizing lyrics and this show is no exception. Songs in Indian, Hebrew, Hawaiian, African, Spanish boy, talk about a mouth full. But I am studying…okay, cramming. I think I can, I think I can….Crap, even the English is hard since the tempo is running mach 90 with it’s hair on fire.I don’t think I studied this hard in college…well, except for Costume History and that class was a bitch!

    Anyway,we are all putting forth our best efforts to show that Bayou City Performing Arts isn’t just about sexual diversity and tolerance. It’s GLOBAL diversity and tolerance. When we can put aside the things that make us different and focus on the things we have in common we, as a species, can move mountains. Peace between neighbors is possible and a helping hand is just outside your front door.

    if you happen to be in Houston this Saturday,March 26th, Take my hand. Come travel around the world with us. I love each and every one of you. And I promise I’ll know all my songs by Saturday!….I think I can , I think I can…..

    Juliana

    Other guest artists include:

    Brazilian Arts Foundation – Corazon de Mariachi – Golden Peacock Dance Company – Intuitive African Dance & Drum Culture – JTunes – Kuja Kim Korean Dance – Yellow River Chorus – McTeggart Irish Dancers of South Texas – Nritya School of Dance – Pride of the Pacific


  • The buffet of LIFE…..

    I have always hated the phrase “Fake it till you make it”. I’m usually a “feel it or forget it” kinda gal. But today, I woke up feeling puny and within the hour had busted a fever.

    An ice cold diet coke and my comfy couch was calling my name. Just when I had accepted my fate of a day of misery and bad Hallmark Channel movies the girls called. They were in town and wanted to  “Do Brunch”.

    My first impulse was to whine and decline. Which I did ….a little. They gave me an hour to get myself together – no pressure but calling back in an hour.

    It occurred to me as I sat there slouched in my pj’s that someday you have to start living what you learn. All those mantra’s of “The most important time is NOW”,  ” Life is what you make it” and “Choose to be happy” were all buzzing about my head like a nat on a ripe piece of fruit. “Damn it”…yes, I tend to mutter to myself some days. I’ll try the “Fake it till ya make it” routine today.

    I put on my new canary yellow capris and a white cotton peasant blouse…I put makeup on the most important features and soon enough realized…. I felt okay.

    The girls picked me up and we headed to the world famous brunch at the fabulous Baba Yaga’s. We sat outside near the pond neath our own special palapas.

    Now every big girl knows a buffet can be just like a clearance sale at Macy’s, a virtual mine field of “I WANT, I NEED, I HAVE TO HAVE”. So I took my time and made good choices. It’s all about taking it one day at a time. And some days, It’s all about taking it one MEAL at a time.

    I filled my plate with fresh-cut fruit, strawberries, pineapple and watermelon. I passed up the pasta salads and the heavier lunch fair. I selected an Eggs Benedict and a broccoli kiche….I didn’t make it unscathed past the bacon but did for go the homemade waffles. . But overall -not a bad plate. It was delicious. Dessert was served in 1″ x 1″ sq’s. I helped myself to three cause I just couldn’t decide which bite would be best. Amazingly I had 1/3rd of each. Meaning I really had only a 1″ x 1″ desert. ..S.O.A.B.!

    Great girls, great conversation, wonderful weather and a fabulous lunch. I’m so glad I didn’t miss it. Home I went, and a nap was in order. Up in time for an evening rehearsal and my day ended up rather well-rounded with friends, sunshine and song. So much better than a day in the dark on the couch.Life is what you make it. So put on your big girl panties and deal with it. You’ll be glad you did!

    I love each and every one of you and today, I loved Kari Adele just a little bit more!

    Juliana

  • Just us chickens…..

    Friday nights are always best when you can spend them with “THE GIRLS”. Girlfriends that have weathered the tides of time and share all the same aches and pains that you have endured one way or another.

    We are all past the point of needing to impress each other. There is no bragging of career successes, or husbands or children. We have all had our ups and down and have been made the better for it. No… We are there for hens night. Just a bunch of chicks eating Chinese delivery, enjoying the music, each other and pecking and clucking about the things that make us tick and giggle.

    It is liberating to be with these girls. Relaxing, entertaining and just pure fun to see us each old enough to not care that a pair of yellow capris might make our ass look like a big yellow bus coming down the side-walk. WHO CARES!!! Wear them anyway.

    We are a mixed lot of short and tall. Thin and fat but all of us making the steady climb up the ladder to 50. There is not a natural head of hair among us. One time brunettes are red-headed vixens while the brightest red-head is trying on blonde. We all agree high lights and low lights are the best thing for summer. Resale shops render the most fabulous buys.  Under wire bras and uncomfortable clothes are a thing of the past. Family pets are by far our favorite children. Nothing beats a South Padre vacation and sex just gets sweeter with time.

    We have come to know who we are and where we have come from. We know that the best moment is now. We love, we laugh, we share….and then we realize it’s way past our bed times and all scurry off home. Renewed, recharged and refreshed from a hens night. They are the best!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Choice

    Many things in life can make us unhappy, unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, illness, rejection and loss. Any number of things can trigger this emotional response that seems to weigh us down so far into the muck and mire that we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    But the light is there. It never went away. It comes from INSIDE you, not from the world around you. The sadness comes from the effects of what is unbalanced around you. Dis-ease takes over our spirit and panic rises up in our throat like a huge lump too big to swallow and we scramble to hold onto the idea that we once thought would make our life complete.

    To be UN-HAPPY is to be out of balance with who you are and what you value. Your moral compass is compromised. We often look for appreciation for the allowances and sacrifices we make when we compromise who we are. Rarely is that compromise acknowledged or appreciated. And so you give more, you wish more, you love more, all the while trying to fill a basin that is already broken. Eventually, having given all of yourself you can, you are left with not just one broken and empty basin but two. And you can only repair the one. You only have the power to fix your basin.

    Sometimes the best gift you can gift a person is the space and time to fix themselves.

    Being HAPPY makes you feel more alive that any other emotion. All other emotional staples lead to the sense of peace. When you are loved – you are happy, when you are successful you are happy.When you are reborn,  appreciated and made whole – you are HAPPY.  Your life is your own. If it’s not, then it is only because you have chosen to give it away. Once you claim your life back and are balanced and neither looking behind you or too far in front of you then you can realize that HAPPINESS is your choice. Choose to feel ALIVE. Choose to be HAPPY.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!

    What do each of the 4 leaf stand for?

    According to legend of western cultures, each of the four leaf clovers represent one theme.

    • First leaf is for hope
    • Second leaf is for faith
    • Third leaf is for love
    • Fourth leaf is for luck.

    I’m guessing I am one of the Lucky ones. I found a four-leaf clover once on the playground in elementary school. I hung on to it FOREVER. But, much like misspent youth, it is gone. No telling which pocket it was left in to run through the weekly laundry and down the drain. But I always remembered that I FOUND one. Finding it gave me HOPE.  Hope everyone could share in. It gave me FAITH. Cause finding it once meant you could find it again and again if you only look. It warmed my heart and I felt LOVE and connection to the world around me. And yes, It brought me LUCK. I was LUCKY to find it.

    I have been lucky through out my life. I always find hope when I am sure the last tread of hope is lost. I have faith that grows stronger every day that life will lead me where I need to be. I have love – unconditional love for those in my life and those that choose not to be. There is more than enough love to spare. I’d say that makes me pretty damn lucky!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I Hear ya Loud and Clear

    I am human….now, what the hell. What does that mean?

    Does it mean I am a person? An emotional being? A conscious participant in life? HUMAN…it is such an ambiguous term.

    Take for instance, if you heard over a loud speaker in a hospital Emergency Room….HUMAN in exam room 24″ …Well, it tells you someone came in and they are sick. No details though – you don’t know if they are male or female, young or old, or even how sick.  All makes sense to the doctors, right? They are sick – go see them. And if you are the patient in exam room 24 you’re thinking,” Thank God! I’m in exam room 24, help is on the way. I’m NEXT, I’M NEXT, I’M NEXT!!!!”

    What if you heard instead  – over the load speaker ” Morbidly Obese, Female, 48 with CHF and history of PE in respiratory distress room 24″. OUCH! Really? That is something you feel the need to announce over to the whole, entire ER? It felt like they were putting out an alarm. Warning! Warning! Fat Lady in 24~repeat FAT lady in 24″. I already felt like crap so it was just piling insult on top of injury at that point. It made me uncomfortable. And to deflect attention from my size I engaged the health professionals as little as possible and instead focused on texting and reaching outside the ER for some sort of comfort or validation that I was indeed a person, a friend, a daughter, an employee, a girlfriend. Anything I could be BEFORE being MORBIDLY OBESE. Nothing chased away the thought. As fate would have it, I would be placed in isolation and have three days to chew on this thought and how it made me feel. THAT is what humans do. We FEEL things and then we try to figure out WHY we feel them.

    What I came up with is: I don’t want my life to be defined by my size. I don’t want my size to be what everyone notices first. And yet it is. I’m that “big girl” everywhere I go.

    I looked up the morbid obesity chart and I would have to lose 82 lbs to just be considered OBESE and drop the “Morbidly” intro.  Can I do it? You bet your sweet ass I can. A few years back, I didn’t think I could do a lot of things on my own and I have proved myself wrong. I am out in front of the crowd and I am standing tall. I am stronger than I have ever been in body, mind and spirit. I don’t NEED what I thought I needed. I have walked through fire and come out on the other side. I am reborn and take flight like the Phoenix from the ash. To do that I had to LOVE MYSELF where others could not.I had to express that love in new ways that I had never experienced before. I had to forgive my inner self and embrace that chubster in a hug like no one else had ever felt. And I did.

    I realize now that life is a symphony and the people in our lives the notes on the page. Sometimes you experience the full orchestra and sometimes just the simple , tight melodic tone of a horn solo echoing over the masses. Each instrument plays an intricate part in the overall concert and evokes a different emotion. Life is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Being HUMAN can be beautiful if you start with loving yourself.

    Love yourself TODAY no matter what your size, shape or condition. Hearing myself referred to as MORBIDLY OBESE was just a reminder that was NOT who I wanted to be.

    As you love yourself, so shall you become more beautiful to behold.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The perfect gift…..

    In recent weeks we have seen the power of Social Media and it’s ability to spread a thought, a word, a deed. Hundreds of thousands can be moved to action by the ideas and revelations of a few. We are becoming a GLOBAL Consciousness  of Humanity.

    As injustice and restrictions on freedom are seen around the world the people are turning to embrace their own worthiness to live in a world of equal possibilities and open and free thought.

    They are realizing the spiritual power of  ideas and words. And where those words are shared and repeated, unbelievable changes are taking place.

    So too is the power of prayer. I was told recently “All I can do is offer a prayer”. It was an offer wrapped in fear. Fear of getting too involved or close to the situation. A fear of giving more than they were capable of giving. I understood where it came from. But I also realize that PRAYER is the most powerful gift you can give of yourself. When you pray with an open and honest heart, God listens. When you pray, you set aside all that is irrelevant to the situation and send love and healing energy. You get the hell out of the way and let God’s energy be directed to the situation. And when 10’s of thousand pray, God and all of Humanity, whether realized consciously or not, hear the call and are moved to action.

    Hundreds prayed for me while in the hospital last week. And the call has gone out for prayer for my mother who suffered another heart attack today. I hope the  world at large prays for Japan and it’s people after the most devastating disaster since the last world war. Your prayers matter. Never, ever think that your prayer is the lesser gift. It is the only TRUE gift we can give to one another. I am most thankful for your prayers for I am certain they will move mountains. They will see my mother home and healthy and they will see the world rise to rebuild a nation.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Power of One

    Healing Humanity begins with one soul. One person who has the courage to say” Heal me Father, make me whole”.

    I don’t ask that you  take away my disease but rather that you take away the  dis-ease in my spirit that impairs my body. My heart is then restored.

    I don’t ask that you take away the fat that clogs and pollutes my system. I ask that you remove the emotional weight I have resisted letting go of for so many years. I know the pounds will follow.

    Take away my false appetites Father and restore my right train of thought. Lead me to those that will feed my soul and nourish my spirit.

    I lay claim to healing in body, mind and spirit.

    I pray for Peace for Humanity, I pray for Perfect Guidance and Clear Understanding for all people in all things. And so it is.

    I love each and every one of you, and yes Lori, some days, I love you just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • GOOOOD MORNING AMERICA!

    The older I get the quicker Monday mornings seem to be able to sneak up on me. And for all my years of experience I have yet to master the art of getting all my mascara off after a night out on the town. Just when I’m stretching and thinking wow…I feel pretty good this morning. I raise my head and glance into the bathroom mirror with a mouth full of Colgate and I am amazed to see just how far that little bit of left over mascara can run down my face. I look like an Alabama reject from RuPaul’s Drag Race. Oh My Mercy!

    I bust out the cleanser, then the cell repair, the moisturizer and the toner. Late night info-mercials whirl through my mind with visions of age spots, wrinkles, dry skin and crows feet. Then ….WHAT A MINUTE!!!!!  Why am I  worried about all that crap….I already HAVE age spots, wrinkles and crows feet. I earned every last “imperfection”over the last 48 years. They are a road map of experience and character. When all is said and done I realize my moment of panic would have been served just as well with some soap and water and a cup of f’ing coffee. Mmmmmm coffee…..smell that heavenly bean!

    Excuse me while I have a private moment with my Nantucket Blend. Then off to the gym and then to work.

    Good Morning America, It’s MONDAY!!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana