Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: mid life

  • Recipe for beauty…

    Have you ever noticed that the shape of a woman is described as something you can eat?

    Funny isn’t it! Pear shaped women with small shoulders and big round bottoms, apple shaped women who are just round all the way around, and the latest “Muffin Top”. Now the skinny girls get names like Twiggy and Sticks. Not very appetizing.  And the prettiest figures with the best curves are called  Hour Glass.

    Now – just in a random survey if someone offered me a pear, an apple, a muffin, a stick or an hourglass which one would I pick? Well, I don’t need a stick. I don’t have a dog or a broken window to prop open. Hourglasses are a nice novelty on the shelf and pretty to look at but not very pratical. You always have to go turn it upside down to get it to work and then it only works for a little while. So I would probably go with the pear! Or if I got to choose more than one I would make a pear and apple salad with a muffin on the side. 🙂

    Let’s just face it. Women are delicious!

    And just a side note to the bitch who didn’t tend her garden and keep her bits and pieces in good working order all those years ago. The women of today don’t appreciate being called “FISH”. It implies that we either smell like yesterdays catch of the day or something men have the option of ordering on a dinner plate of Friday and well, hell….I’m not CATHOLIC!

    Take care of your yard work ladies. Mow the lawns and trim the bushes. If you can’t see or reach all your…..topiaries…… then hire a gardener!  An ill kept garden attracts fruit flies. Buzzing, annoying, flighty lil’ fruit flies!

    You picking up what I’m putting down, Girls? Good!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Leave no girl behind….

    Spring has sprung and so have I.

    Welcome the new adventure: Beautiful Girl Productions. Yes, I have done it at last. My own production company. And the first show is already in the works.

    Like a caterpillar I chewed on a lot of roughage and crawled my way along. I spun myself a cocoon and gave my inner-self time to form and develop. And now, finally, I can emerge and spread my wings.

    It ain’t over till the fat lady sings and once I get going I may never stop! We are putting together a website, original songs, posters, programs and more!

    I have a great team working with me and I am so blessed. Just had to shout it out loud today!

    BEAUTIFUL GIRL PRODUCTIONS….leave no girl behind!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana


  • Toes in the sand…..

    All work and no play makes for a very boring girl. But sometimes balance is hard to find. Sometimes you have to actually SCHEDULE the fun. When you quit letting life happen TO you and stop just reacting  to the things that come your way you can get a true sense of why you are here.

    Sure, there are lessons that we have to trudge thru but there can be happy lessons along the way as well. Change your perception and you can change the world. And if you didn’t realize it yet. The world starts with YOU. The happier you are, the happier the people around you are. There is an old saying that I just love. “If Mamma ain’t happy, NOBODY is happy”. And I think that is true whether you are a mom or not. It just means that how you feel and react to the world impacts the people around you. Certainly makes sense to me.

    So let me ask you, what kind of impact have you had today? Did you smile at your co-workers? Did you say thank you to the check out clerk? Did you greet your neighbor at the pool with a healthy hello? Did you tell someone they just frick’in matter? It’s the littlest gestures that can mean the most.

    We were meant to be happy, healthy humans. We are here to experience all the wonders of the world. We are a blessing to all those we encounter. The Kingdom of Heaven is all around you if you will just take the time to see it. If you are out of wack, get on track. Take the time to dig your toes in the sand. Your feet will thank you. And so will all the people who love you and hold you dear. Cause let’s face it – HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS.

    That is my Sunday lesson.    🙂

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FROST & TIP PARTY

    Today was FROST & TIP Saturday at my house. Yep… it was time to get our highlights on. And who better to put you through the torture of pulling your hair through a plastic cap with a knitting needle than your good friends.

    First we fortified ourselves with homemade deli style sandwiches accompanied by a chip or two. Washed it down with a refreshing  vodka tonic with lime….or two…or three…oh hell, who’s counting.

    Then we lamented about the stupid frenchman with too much baggage to recognize what a hot mess Christina is. I mean…WE see it – why can’t he????

    And then there are the on-line dating sites where you say NO SMOKERS and the person you meet REEKS of an ashtray and their idea of being a NON-SMOKERS is one who is trying to quit….Leisa calls “LOSER” !!!! Which of course is closely followed by the chubby chasers who just want to date us for our cushiness.LOSSERRRRRR!!!!! And the one who lives down the street from your last ex – ohhhh soooooo not an option under any circumstances. If you can get a new home address then we can talk. Maybe more! wink, wink!!

    Then we had to bitch a bit about menopause cause that’s just what we do now. I’m hot, I’m cranky, I’m dry, I’m…… okay…”Too much information” as my mother would say.

    Well, our blonde streaks are PERFECT….just saying. Patting myself on the back.

    We have laughed till we nearly peed my concrete floor – the cat has hidden under the bed all day to escape our shinanigans and it very well may be time for a nap!

    Love my girls, love my Saturdays, love a good frost and tip party!

    I love each and every one of you. Especially if you have highlights.

    Juliana

  • OMG….. FLAT ABS!

    I have FINALLY found the latest, most effective way to get in shape. It is THE ultimate work out!!!  A girlfriend was kind enough to share this secret with me. Talk about motivational! OHHHH I just couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. I think we are REALLY on to something that could change the face of workouts everywhere. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how out of shape. There is nothing to buy or sign up for. No special diet. No books to read or DVD’s to sweat to. You don’t even have to leave your house! Any woman with a pulse can do this! Are you ready???  It’s called Coregasm! Yep! COREGASM. Apparently – I say apparently cause I haven’t run home to try it yet – APPARENTLY, it is an orgasm some women can have when performing certain ab exercises. Experts say (wait….BIG O Experts?? Really??? Who knew!!) Well, EXPERTS say that this wacky core induced climax could be due to a number of factors:

    1.)The tightening of pelvic muscles

    2.) The build up of tension 

     3.) Nerve impulse

    At this point in my life I don’t really care if it’s caused by underpaid workers in a sweat shop in Malasia, I think it is wortha try.  It’s doesn’t matter HOW it works, only that it does!

    Oh….and if I lose a few inches of my waist…well that’s just gravy…so to speak.

  • I’m not FAT ….I’m Fluffy!

    It sounds good in theory anyway. Being fluffy instead of fat. That’s what a friend’s son told me once a few years back. That I was Fluffy – not FAT.

    You see, kids don’t really have filters at 7, or 8, or 9….to him FAT was a negative thought and once he spent a few hours with me we were the best of pals and I couldn’t peel him off me. He was glued to my side.

    His mother politely told him to GET OFF me. He replied that he couldn’t. “She is so soft and fluffy”, he exclaimed with a smile and nuzzled his face into my side.

    Yep – that’s me. I’m broken in like an old Lazy Boy recliner. Soft and comfy in all the right places. I know I’m overweight. No nine-year old needs to tell me that. But somehow I have been able to win them over with my charm, wit and homemade peach cobbler.

    I never had kids. When I was younger I believed that threat my mother yelled out at me when I misbehaved. “Someday you’ll have  kids and they’re gonna be JUST LIKE YOU. YOU JUST WAIT LITTLE LADY!”. I always thought – HELL NO I’M NOT! And I have lived by my proclamation.

    So, I am Auntie, Aunt Huli, Tia. To Nieces and Nephews by blood and by choice. I am the coolest Aunt around. I answer calls at midnight from stranded college students. I hear about first kisses and broken hearts. I have done my fair share of homework , science projects and parties at Chucky Cheese. I’ve sat thru school and church concerts, plays and sports games at 8:00 am in the cold rainy morning.  I’ve dug thru mounds of dirty clothes in search of THE shirt that MUST be worn NOW! I’ve over bought and over indulged. I’ve bent the house rules, stayed up too late and let them sleep to long? YEP – I am Aunt Huli, Auntie, the fluffiest Tia in Town. I don’t mind it at all.

    I made an impression – and so did they. There is a new one on the way this fall. I can’t wait to meet her…or him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Signing off – Your fluffiness – Juliana

  • CANKLES!

    Remember back in the late 70’s when they used to show a commercial with a skillet on a stove with eggs frying in it and the sound bite was ‘THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS!” Sooo scary!

    Fast forward thirty years and you see a malformed CANKLE resting on a couch. “This is your foot after a 12 hour day running all over Christ’s creation to get a show up and running”.

    It looks much worse than it is – really…and it’s only one. The other is just fine…odd. I know. Just seems ironic that these days I pop 13 pills every morning to be healthy and instead of frying my brain I have swollen ankles. Where is the sense in that?

    So what is a CANKLE – the Slang dictionary describes it as:

    A fat ankle – one that is as thick as the person’s calf, such that there’s no visible anatomical difference in the two. From “calf” + “ankle.” Usually used in the plural.

    I’m special…I only have one cankle tonight. And it doesn’t always look like this. Normally, I have ankles. So I am just gonna sit back and relax and put my cankle up. WAY UP! and see if it can’t find a way to return to normal all on it’s own. Hopefully I won’t wake up with a knalf or worse a vagiknee.

    Tomorrow is another day…And I wouldn’t miss it!

    I love each and every one of you and your cankles!

    Juliana

     

     

  • Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink…

    I just HAVE to get this off my chest. Just as I don’t want to be dismissed from living a well rounded life because I am large, I also don’t want to be targeted for pick up …BECAUSE I am large.

    I keep getting emails on FACEBOOK from men around the world wanting to be my “FRIEND”. Apparently there are people who troll thru profiles looking for MS. Right. Like this one –  “When i read through your profile i was really amazed and motivated to send you an email and show my interest. Waiting to hear from you.”  Oh PLLLL-EEEEZE. Read a little further down my profile and you will see that men are not on my diet!

    One guy from another country who could only type – BROKEN English must of thought he was a real charmer.”I love fat lady – I wish had fat lady beautiful like you”.  See what I mean? Dude – buy a cow.

    One guy right here in Houston recently assured me that our age difference would take a back seat to the fact that he loved large women. (He was a young whipper snapper in his 30’s who posed next to a Bently in his profile picture, someone else’s I’m sure!) He was just sure we would hit it off. DELETE!

    DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!!!!!!! Now I know how Anna Nicole felt. Always lauded after for her big– personalities….ehem….Just clearing my throat folks…..

    We are all more than our physical appearance. It is only natural to have certain preferences and attractions. Lord knows I have mine.  But I am MORE than my weight. And to be singled out for that single feature is annoying, shallow and down right offensive to me.

    I am a woman who knows what she wants. I love big and I love deeply. I enjoy life now like never before. I am an artist in the truest sense of the word.

  • One, such as a painter, sculptor, performer or writer, who is able by virtue of imagination and talent or skill to create works of aesthetic value, especially in the fine arts.

    • Yes, the truest sense of the word and beyond. I am an artist of life. I create my life through my thoughts, beliefs and deeds. I take full responsibility. I have no one else to blame if some days it seems less attractive or balanced  than I would like. And when I am ready I will attract the right partner I deserve to have. Right now – God’s just having fun showing me all the things on the shelf. You know what the merchants say – you break it – you buy it! Well I haven’t even seen a package I would bother lifting off the shelf in the last year. So it’s all good.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    I am more

  • THINK BEFORE YOU EXPOSE……

    I hate to admit it but I might just be an advocate of reinstating the 1922 Bathing Beach Police. Maybe not with the same rules but there definitely are some offenders out there that need a citation or two and some should be put in the back of a paddy wagon and just hauled straight off to jail.

    It’s no BIG secret that I am a BIG gal. And though I love summer, the pool and hanging out at Surfside’s Pirate’s Alley with my girls, the thought of putting on an actual swim suit makes me more nervous that a virgin on prom night.

    I have a “social conscience” which is extremely lacking in some folks. I THINK before I EXPOSE. I have never fully recovered from seeing a grandpa in a Speedo back in the 80’s at Splash Day in South Padre. Had it not been for my youthful state and the copious amount of liquor I consumed I think I might have stroked out right there.

    So, it is with much forethought and trepidation that I select this years Fashionista Fatwear. I am selecting a two-piece. Okay – pick you ef’ing jaw up off the floor. Not THAT kinda two piece. I’m going for the drawstring swim shorts….in black of course and mixing and matching that with brightly colored  swim tops. I’m okay with that! All my bits and pieces will be sufficiently covered. My delicate white fluffiness will be served up to the sun for an extra dose of newly formed freckles and fun. I already have my floatie toy for the pool. My 55 Factor sunscreen, a great To-Go cup and a beach towel. Happiness!!!

    So you see. It doesn’t have to be THAT painful…for you…or the masses who may see you coming down the beach.

    Just remember; THINK before you EXPOSE! God, I wish I had gotten a hold of this woman before spring. It’s just WRONG I tell ya. Women can be attractive at any size – but NOT when you make really, really, reallllly bad choices. I’m hoping the sales person who sold her that piece of patchwork got a sales commission to match the size of the suit. NEXT TO NOTHING! ANYWAY!!!

    I love each and every one of you.

    If you have been emotionally scarred by this post then I suggest you leave work early and go have a cocktail poolside to recover.

    Juliana!!!!

  • I believe I can fly…..

    There comes a time in life when all the coaching, advice and best wishes of friends, family and mentors can’t help you anymore. You have done the work and climbed the mountain. At some point you have to make that leap of faith and believe that all the training will serve you well. You gotta spread your wings and fly. Just jump for Christ’s sake. BE THE BIRD!

    You gotta love the animal spirits in the world. Turtles that crawl up from the sandy beaches and instinctively head into the surf. No swimming lessons for them – they just dive headlong into the water! No floaties, no nose clips, they head straight for the deep end.  Birds are pretty cool too. One day they just decide to jump! And there you have it! Sometimes momma gives them a nudge cause she is damn sick and tired of regurgitating worms up 10 times a day to feed them. After weeks of benging and purging I bet “empty nest” syndrome never crosses her mind! Animals haven’t locked in on this code of fear like humans have. Instead they have an incredible and inherent sense of BELIEF.

    As I have gotten older I have gotten to a point where I can honestly say. I BELIEVE. I believe in me. Cause if I don’t, who will? Others can believe in you all day long but they can’t fly for you. They can tell you how to do it and where and when….but that is about it.

    Nope. If you wanna soar, you gotta jump out of the nest on all your own. Everyone else is just a cheerleader on the sideline…and I personally LOVE cheerleaders…unless they are too skinny. I hate looking at anything I could bust like a twig. I’M JUST SAYING!

    I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Hide and watch. There’s gonna be some great things coming our way!

    I love each and every one of you. Even if you think your excluded, your not.

    Juliana