Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: mid life

  • BIG DOGS…..

    Mark Twain said it best. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, It’s the size of the fight in the dog”.

    Well, what can I say? This bitch….which I mean with the sincerest form of canine flattery, is not giving up yet!

    I haven’t weighed in for the last three weeks…which if Weight Watchers was really earning their money and  watching me they would have known and reported to the proper dietary authorities. But since I heard no bells and whistles nor did I see the food police hanging out in front of my very secure apartment, I must have gotten away with the 21 day furlow.

    All is not lost my lil chickas! I have my new Bobby Sherman lunch box to inspire me back to dietary greatness! But that of course means the dreaded  WEIGH IN.

    I noticed that my precious lil Bobby had his stats printed  on the side of the lunch box. Somehow I felt closer to him just knowing his parent’s names, that he had a sister, where he was born and of course his height, weight, hair and eye color. Ha! That little smidge on information really did satisfy the quizzical desires of a 7 yr old  back in 1970 didn’t it? And bless his heart, 5’9″ tall and only 135lbs….I could break him like a twig with just one hug.

    ANYWAY….If lil Bobby…and a do mean little…could put up his stats up for the world  to see then what the hell. I can too.

    This may not be pretty but here goes.

                      JULIANA

    Juliana Marie Wathen

    January 4, 1963

    Born : Tulsa, Oklahoma

    Parents: Wanda and Denver Wathen

    Siblings: Irby, Denise, Vern and Fred

    Height: 5’4″                           Weight: 296 lbs

    Hair Color: Lady Clairol            Eye Color: Blue

    Wow….I feel better already. I don’t think I’ll ever weigh 135lbs but I’m sure gonna give it my best shot to keep on keeping on. I’m fighting the battle for a healthier me. I’ve got a lot on my plate so to speak and it ain’t chicken!  I took up Weight Watchers in April and my starting weight was 310. I got down to 290 three weeks ago so hopefully I can regain my ground and keep on going.

    Just remember, If you can’t run with the big dogs…..stay on the porch!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • My Independence Day…..

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

    When will this statement from the Declaration of Independence be applied to ALL of the citizens of the United States of America? Many, including members of my own family, stand on their self-proclaimed Conservative Christian Faith and scream at the top of their lungs that this country was founded on CHRISTIANITY. And that GOD willing, we will return to THEIR level of Conservatism in the next election. They would deny Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness to me simply because I am gay.

    The Declaration of Independence was just that. A statement that we the citizens of the Colonies had the right  to dissolve our connection with Britain citing Laws of Nature and Nature’s God. “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” 

    So here we have “Creator” and ‘Law’s of Nature” and Nature’s God”…..Nothing there about Church of England, Catholic, Protestant, Quaker or Queers….so no DOGMA was adopted there. Not sure what DOGMA is??  Dogma: A doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church.

    The Constitution is the document that lays out the frame-work of government and the division of power and our judicial systems and makes no reference to BEING a CHRISTIAN to be in good standing as a citizen of this country. In fact there is no mention of CREATOR – LAWS of NATURE -NATURE’S GOD or GOD in this document. Nope – No DOGMA there either.

    Then along came The Bill of Rights.   And because of the persecution under the previous government  and the CHURCH of England they felt the need to ensure these RIGHTS First.

    Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

    So inferring again that the country was BASED on conservative Christian values is a big steaming pile of poo.

    Had the founding fathers intended to form a government based on a doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church they would have just been abandoning the Church of England for the establishment of the CHURCH OF AMERICA. We have a country settled by a majority of Christians who respectfully created a land set up with a separation of Church and State.

    Someday, I hope we all are allowed Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness without the exceptions that some would bind us with. Someday I hope to marry and when I get married – that “SIGNIFICANT OTHER” will be my WIFE. And that doesn’t mean I’m more masculine than her and that I have to take out the trash while she makes dinner. It’s not about defining domestic roles within a household. It means she is the woman I love and make a commitment to for life. She will be my wife and I will be hers. THAT is what being a spouse should be. And if that level of commitment or lack there of determined a title then my Mother would be a WIFE…my father?  a “Significant Other”…..if even that. His level of love, honor and cherish over the years has been in serious default…so what makes him a husband? His signature at the bottom of a certificate filled out in a judge’s chamber issued by the State of Oklahoma…not a church.

    I would have married a tall blue-eyed blonde if she would have had me. But GOD had other plans for my life and hers. Yes…I do believe in God. A power that guides my steps, my words and my voice to stand up for myself and those like me that want nothing more than to express our love for someone in the ultimate way. To marry and to build a family. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It’s meant for anyone.

    I love each and every one of you, all people, all races, all religions, all preferences ALL GODS CHILDREN.

    Juliana

  • XXX Confessions…..

    Dieting, I am beginning to realize, is a lot like sex. When you have to do the same thing over and over it can get stale and let’s face it – boring. The temptation to stray can be overwhelming. Excitement mounts at the thought of something new,different and dangerous. Before you know it you’re sitting at Phil & Derek’s Cafe having a threesome over the most sinful dish of macaroni and cheese with white truffle oil that you ever dipped your spoon in. Work with me here. I’m still talking about the dieting.

    Jimmie Swaggart may have only paid a prostitute to take of her clothes so he could watch over…and over…and over. But I dove right in and tasted the forbidden fruit. And ooooh my God is was gooooood!!!! Ounce for ounce my mac-n-cheese cost WAY more than a New Orleans hooker but it was worth every penny. I know you are supposed to confess with remorse in your heart but I just can’t muster any up right now.

    Life happens and stress mounts as family matters pop up and friends pass or fall on hard times. It’s harder and harder to MAKE TIME to take care of my business. But I know the only one I am neglecting is myself. I didn’t feel as good this week as I had been feeling so I worked today on getting back on track. I battled the 4th of July foodies at the local grocery fighting their way through the hotdogs and beer and gathered up a bevy of heathy Scooby Snacks and dinner fix’ins. I came home and fixed up my two-week supply of snack bags for work.And now I feel a little better about the whole situation.

    I guess I’m standing before the congregation of life and proclaiming my re-dedication to the cause. I feel like I should say the Pledge of Allegiance or something to make it official but instead…I’m gonna put my feet up and watch Paula Deen on the cooking channel. Mmmm. I love me some Paula Deen!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Top 10 list for a class reunion…..

     GOING WILD AND HAVING FUN – WE’RE THE CLASS OF ’81

    They just don’t make high school cheers the way they (we) used to. I have a  30 year high school class reunion in 11 days….yep 30 yrs….OMG!  Okay – that exclamation was not for the number of years but for the revelation I have experienced lately listening to all the 48 yr olds whine how “no one will remember who I am” and “I don’t think any one liked me back then” or “those people scared the hell out of me then why would I wanna see them NOW?”

    Take a breath…a deep, deep, deeeeep breath….(just like in the 80’s except without the funny lil pipe) and let it out……..

    GET OVER IT! You were not the wall flower you thought you were. You were not invisible for 4 years of school, 7 classes a day and just because you skipped the pep rally and went to the lake or to play darts and scarf down at beer at Weber’s BBQ before health class, we still have a pretty good recollection of who we went to school with.

    Here are some easy guidelines to get you through the weekend.

    1.) SOMEONE had a crush on you that you never knew about. He’ll probably blurt this out while introducing you to his 3rd wife. Don’t worry. He is harmless.

    2.) The guy you had a crush on that you were sure didn’t know you existed…he didn’t ask you out because he thought you were too pretty to say “yes” to him or what the hell. He’s just GAY – get over it!

    3.) And ANY BODY that introduces you to their partner? Most likely NOT who they work with but who they live with – again….get over it!

    4.) Those pretty girls that never offered to share their lip-gloss in the bathroom will be begging you to buy their Arbonne Cosmetic line out of the trunk of their car.

    5.) The guy that  hung out at the PATIO between classes with the long hair wearing rock concert t-shirts and jeans everyday with his leather “monkey knot” necklace from PDAP….retired CEO of an internet start up. The BENTLEY in the parking lot is his. He may have even tossed you his keys when he pulled up honestly mistaking you for the valet.

    6.) Speaking of hair – if they HAD hair – they may not now, be prepared. If they didn’t have boobs – well, the ones they bought in LA may put your eye out, be equally prepared.

    7.) If someone shows up in your personal space every blasted time you walk out of the bathroom…don’t panic. They are not stalking you, they just can’t hold their beer any better than you can.

    8.) BTW….Report all stalkers to Management.

    9.) If he’s divorced now…and you’re divorced and ….you’re thinking…. it’s fate….it’s probably the vodka…which is probably WHY you are divorced…and he’s divorced….proceed with caution.

    10.) If you’ve had a sex change operation and feel the need to show the former Cheerleaders & Pep Squad how they SHOULD have done it…go to the bar immediately and ask the bartender to find me  or Lori  Acker-Westmoreland, we have experience with  interventions.

    People change, people stay the same…I think it’s worth the risk to see the results.

    After all – I was just a shy, delicate flower in High School and I haven’t changed a bit.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Ho…Ho…Ho…


    I know what you’re thinking. It is WAY to early to start thinking about Christmas – even Christmas in July! Which, by the way, falls on a Monday this year and since it STILL has not been recognized by anyone other than Summer Rep Actors and the local department stores, most of us will have to  – dare I say  – work on Christmas (in July) Day.

    Out of respect for the age old holiday I will host a Christmas Eve in July soiree at my place Sunday afternoon, July 24th. Sing-a-long is mandatory!

    ANY HUUUUU

    So, even though Santa is sipping pina colada’s on the beach outside his condo down in Cancun right now he still is making time to deliver early to the people at the TOP of his list…..LIKE ME!!!!!!!

    Two days ago I found out that the wiper motor I replaced 4 months ago on my zoom-zoom Mazda is now part of a major recall and they are reimbursing folks who already paid to have it fixed. That would be me!

    CHA CHING! That’s just free money people!

    And yesterday, I found my favorite silver necklace in the glove box of same said zoom-zoom car that I was sure I left behind at my ex’s house over a year ago. It wasn’t like I could just call her up and say “Hey, can I come look for my necklace?” or “have you seen any of my jewelry lately?”….That would involve her answering her phone, number one and you know how that is…so I just figured it was gone and I would pout about it every time it would have “made my outfit”.I envisioned it lost in the nether regions of the couch which someday will probably go to Goodwill. Somebody would buy it and make it their own and they will have the guts to reach there hand WAY DOWN IN THERE and they will retrieve my wonderlust necklace.  They too will experience the wonder of Christmas in July.

    So you see, Christmas has come early this year cause Santa knows I have been a very, very good girl so far.

    And just in case you need some suggestions Santa, I’m still missing my Bobby Sherman Lunch box from 1969…Just saying!!

    Life is a circle, good things always come back around!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Wonder Woman…..

    Reluctantly I admit, that even though I have the cape, matching underwear and the whip, I am not a 21-year-old Super Hero. Damn it!

    I  am the 48-year-old woman who succumbed to heat exposure on Sunday whilst swimming & trying to blend the 4 shades of freckles on my body into a uniform tan. Alas, I must raise my hand and stand tall just like the twelve step program recommends and admit to myself and others that with this bevy of freckles, my tan looks more like an incomplete, faux finishing project at a Hobby Lobby class than a Hawaiian Tropics pin-up girl. Grrrrrrrrr.

    It has taken me till tonight to get back on my feet. So is the life of a girl with heart failure who pushes her physical  boundaries just a tad too much sometimes. Double Grrrrrr.

    So I spent the whole day yesterday lifeless and sleeping. Sleeping and dreaming. Dreaming and sleeping. It’s at these times I feel the gentle nudge of spiritual guardians reminding me to slow down and focus. To be more aware of my surroundings and the people in my life. To enjoy the moment and live in the present. To listen to my body and let it guide me. There is more time left than I can ever imagine and the concept of that time is always expanding.

    I have filtered out that which is unreal and embraced what is. I am that I am. I am here to experience the things that I am not so that I can know better that which I am. I am a trained singer, not a writer and yet I am a writer now and it is real. I’m not hiding behind other people’s words, emotions  and flowing melody in a song. I am writing my own. I am living my own. I don’t have to  hide behind the mask of a Super Diva any longer.

    I’m keeping the cape, the matching underwear………..and the whip….cause lets just face it – everybody likes a little dress up every now and then. wink…wink…nod…nod….

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • More please…..

    There are two kinds of people in the world:

    There are those that are willing to step out in faith and make things happen. They are the people willing to seize the day and grab hold of the enormous energy the Universe sends their way. They succeed because they have a broader vision of their worth and value to the world. They achieve more and contribute more because they accept that they can be more.

    And then,  there are those that don’t understand the power of faith and participation. They don’t appreciate their own value and the power of who they are and from where they came. They hedge their bets that if they just sit tight something will come their way. If it doesn’t, then they must not have deserved it. They let circumstance guide their lives. They define who they are by what others give them. Their perceived accomplishments are simply a collection of handouts they rarely can hold onto.

    I have found that the key to unlocking the FAITH and courage to step out on groundless ground is accepting that you deserve to have the ground reach up to support you on your journey.

    I used to live a different life. I thought that if I focused all my energy on caring for someone and taking care of their needs that I would have value. Mistakenly, I waited for them to define my worth. To pat my head and say I mattered. I based my value and my place in the world on how much I could do for them and how much it would be appreciated. I let someone else determine my worth. I always felt at the end of the day like I was the orphan in Oliver always holding up my cup and saying “More please” because I was left hungry for more love and acceptance.

    I made the conscious decision last year to define my own value and  focus all the energy I had been giving away to others on myself. I stepped out and grabbed hold of an incredible life energy, a life line that raised me above the drama and conflict that I had been wrapped in. And as things began to open up for me and the possibilities grew I realized that I began to matter more to myself. I began to eat better, live cleaner and take care of myself like I had never done before. I found myself sitting on the corner of life just waiting for me to ask myself to come out and play. And when I did,wow,  the world is a frick’in awesome playground. I think the monkey bars are my favorite.

    It’s amazing to realize that by simply shifting the focus off someone or something outside myself and redirecting it back to the child within me that so many rewards would come my way. The more I work on “ME” and the more I share that work with others the more people validate my life and say “I MATTER” by the hundreds. It feeds me. I am no longer the hungry orphan. I can be anything I choose to be, an artist, a writer, a singer, a friend or a lover. I have more to give because I make sure I am taken care of first. I eat so that I have the energy to feed others. I work out so that I am strong enough to lend a helping hand. I take care of myself so that I can actually be there for others.

    If you want to matter more to those around you. Matter more to yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana


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  • THAT’S LOVE BABY!…..

    I would like to be light as a feather on the breeze, easily turned this way and that, floating free on the wind that pushes me upward and onward.

    Losing weight is not just about your body. Healing the body is just a cosmetic approach and doesn’t guarantee the mind will follow.   That is why so many people gain back the weight they fought so hard to lose. Heal the mind and the heart and the body will transform and mold to the new thought patterns you establish.

    Weight is not just on the outside. Weight is the load your heart carries everyday of anger, judgement, guilt and blame. These emotions bind us in chains and will sink us into the deep if we don’t let go. It is only through FORGIVENESS that you can lighten your load and ease your burden.

    Many times in life a friend or loved ones will lash out and hurt us. And we have done the same to them but it is easier to forget what impact we may have had on them and focus our own pain. We are all to blame. We don’t trust because we ourselves at one time weren’t trust worthy. We don’t forgive because we are afraid we can’t be forgiven. But to move on in life is to realize the beauty and love that is in each individual and realize we all have acted out of fear from time to time.

    Forgiveness is NOT a twelve step program. You don’t have to write a letter, or go to group to make amends. Just give yourself the time to turn within and envision the person who hurt you and then see the light of God fill them from head to toe and spread out from their body. Imagine yourself beside them, the light filling your own body and radiating outward.  Look into that light. That light will glow so brightly that all you will see is the radiance that was meant to be all along. The two lights will overlap and become one. It’s love baby. It’s what you are – it’s what they are. You are equal in God’s eyes. Forgive yourself at the same time you forgive everyone else. Lighten your load. Don’t judge – don’t blame. Heal your heart. And your body will follow.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • SALE!!!!!…..

    Tomorrow is weigh in day for my Weight Watchers -Scooby Do – Lifestyle change. I have been on a “plateau” for three weeks and I am hoping to bust through and get this ball rolling again.

    I’m still not as active as the “Activity Tracker” would like me to be but I’m working on it. If you got points for laughing your ass off I would have rocked my numbers right off the chart today.

    I went to the Farmers Market today and picked up fresh peaches and strawberries for my sweet momma, Wanda, to work her magic on and make into yummy jams. I had my goodies and pulled out headed North to Conroe and, being frugal, opted to head up AIRLINE to the freeway instead of taking the toll road. This short section of road is called “Crack Alley” for more reason than one. Everybody is peddling one kinda “crack” or another.

    I pulled up to a stop light and glanced to my right and low and behold “Shera” Princess of Power was primping in the dusty, painted over window of a closed down store. I let out an audible OH MY MERCY…….thankfully my windows were up! And then I got the giggles – Bad! Okay – I almost peed myself laughing for the next 5 miles at least.

    You couldn’t fault her – bless her heart. I’ve been preaching for the last year that everyone is beautiful and everyone has value and everyone should feel good in their own skin no matter how thick or thin, pretty or plain.  So in her own way – this bitch was fierce!

    She was rocking her homemade daisy dukes that were so short that the frayed denim threads looked more like fringe across the top of her ..hmmm….cheeks. I swear to Jesus she had to have had those shorts rigged with a trick snap crotch cause there was no way in hell that the remnants of those jeans was coming down over her hips. The multi-colored, one size fits all tube top??? Very appropriate for 102 weather in Houston and the fact that ONE-SIZE was several sizes too small just made it a little thinner …..cooler…around her ample mid-drift. I thought the high heeled Gladiator sandals might have been a bit much for 10am but to each their own I saw worse at Fashion Week last fall on the streets of New York. The 80’s style wig was more than making up for that faux pas.

    My point is…..as I still sit here giggling…is that she was taking pride in her look and primping in the window, applying a new layer of lip gloss and adjusting her ..or somebody’s…hair. She obviously felt good enough about herself to put a price on it and sell it. And she didn’t look like she was starving so I think she must have plenty of buyers.

    Now – I’m not encouraging anyone to put on a “fierce” outfit and hit the streets but by God if we just had a smidgen of her self confidence and were willing to declare our worth to every passing stranger I know some bitches that would be ruling the world!

    Rock on Shera Princess of Power! I’m gonna take some of that fierceness into next week whether  I break thru this “Plateau” or not. I’m not giving up. I’m primping in my own mirror and setting my price! I don’t even care if I get any buyers – I just love a good SALE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Better products…..Lower prices…..Farmers Market…

    Okay, so I was never a huge fruit and vegetable consumer. Vegetables were those things I spent money on with every good intention of cooking up something FAB-U-LOUS but most often was left to grow hair in the bottom drawer of my fridge. I’m sure I could have sold that stuff to  Hair Club for Men and made some major dinero. FRUIT?…Looked sooooo pretty in the bowl….on the counter….till it turned brown and hatched a bevy of fruit flies. Meat, cheese and bread were my major food groups. There is nothing better than a big ol’ bologna sammich with cheese!

    But now that I am on Weight Watchers and making a true diligent effort over here to eat right and feel healthier everyday I have started shopping for, you guessed it, FRUIT & VEGGIES.

    Much to my shock and dismay they all but want you to take out a 401K to stroll thru the vegetable department at the local grocery store. Reach for a pretty red, shiny bell pepper….slam on the breaks $1.79 EACH…..Cucumbers? a reasonable $1.00 each (so I think). Peaches and apples $1.79 a lb…don’t blink but some apples and oranges weigh almost a lb each. So, today I went to the Farmers Market on Airline. No, there was no “air-conditioned” comfort,  no guitar player on a stool strumming a John Denver songs (gotta love Kroger’s on a Saturday) and no ORGANIC section. But what I did find was a red bell pepper for $1.95 per pound instead of a  per piece price. My total cost for a red bell pepper $.47 cents. Cucumbers – 3 for a dollar. Big juicy peaches from N. Carolina were .98 cents a lb…Same for Gala Apples and Golden Delicious. These aren’t sale prices they are the every day prices. The quality is so much better and the prices so much more reasonable that I will always make TWO trips when grocery shopping. Farmers Market and that other place…Kroger’s, HEB, Randall’s – whoever has paper towels and toilet paper on sale will get my vote.

    And with all that money I save…I think I’ll spring for the $79.99  classically nostalgic, Bobby Sherman lunch box on eBay I found!

    I love each and every one of you but today I love Bobby Sherman more…….swwoooooonnnnn

    Juliana