Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: meditation

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • OPEN

    Are you OPEN for business? Are you actively participating in your daily life or are you closed for repairs.

    I heard a story once of a monk who retreated to the top of the mountain to attain enlightenment. Days, months and even years passed till he thought he had a firm grasp on a peaceful attitude and an enlightened state of mind.

    He decided to go down into a near village to share the wondrous secrets he had learned. So he gathered his staff and his robs and began his journey back to humanity. As he made his way down the mountain people began to notice him and come out of their houses for he had been gone for a very long time. Many were surprised to see him still alive. Children followed quickly on his heels. A crowd gathered all around him. The people were so excited to see the Monk. The crowd grew larger and he began to be bumped and pushed as more people wanted to get closer to the Monk. Many reached out to touch his garment. Some reached for the touch of his hand. A few even pulled his hair hoping for a keepsake of this man for they were sure he had attained greatness on his quest.

    The Monk began to feel anxious and trapped. His calm demeanor had been replaced by pure fear. He grew more uncomfortable by the moment as the crowd swept him down the street. He pushed his way to the front of the pack in an attempt to escape but could not break free. He finally just stopped and screamed as loud as he could… The crowd stopped and stared at him. Finally a child spoke and said to the Monk in an excited voice. “What secrets have you brought to us, Monk?”

    The Monk began to weep. He realized that for all the years of self imposed exile in search of the meaning of life and spiritual enlightenment he robbed himself of the daily experience of life itself.

    We only grow by what we do, what we see and how we perceive the world around us. Being OPEN for business, open for new experiences in life, is what brings life our way. Seize the day!

  • RoadBlock

    Diary of a MAD FAT WOMAN…..Roadblocks

    • “When the Universe throws out one roadblock after another, how do you know whether the message is to quit or to redouble your efforts?”

    I saw this as a status post yesterday. And it really got me to thinking. Life has been FULL of roadblocks and detours and there have been a few that have definitely made me want to just curl up and die. There have been other times I just dug in my heels, redouble my efforts and insisted on taking THAT particular road at all costs. Call it head strong, call it stubborn but really I was just resisting the tug of gravity to move in the right direction.

    I have found that the Universe erects these roadblocks to nudge us in a new direction or a new way of approaching life. Some of our greatest accomplishments have come about because of our greatest challenges.

    I set upon a path of journaling to help me focus on moving ahead. I thought I would never recover from the ending of a relationship that I saw as the love of my life. My health was spiraling out of control and I had no true passion for living. 48 yrs old and alone, I only had myself to talk me out of this overwhelming depression. So I did just that. I talked to myself and put it on paper and out to the Universe to hold me accountable. It has been therapy and an unexpected blessing. Responses come in everyday from people who have had the same feelings and questions in life. I am my own voice and I realize I am also theirs. 780 people read  DOAMFW…Hiding in Plain Sight yesterday. I am blown away.

    My relationship was unsuccessful but the rewards and lessons I learned from it will bless me for the rest of my life. There are no mistakes, only life experiences. So the next time life throws you a roadblock. Stop, Look and Listen and see what direction the Universe is trying to nudge you into. LIFE, it’s the best Map Quest EVER!

  • Hiding in plain sight.

    Many of us spend each day HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT. We are content to go unnoticed and undiscovered.

    I am guilty. Yes, I have developed my own well defined defenses that will keep my head down and in a word give me a sense of being SMALLER than I am. I will avoid wearing make-up most days, hardly ever wear jewelry and dress for comfort rather than to impress. Because what happens when I do make myself presentable?  PEOPLE  NOTICE.

    The funny thing is – it’s not just about size and weight. People from all walks of life practice this every day. People who think they aren’t pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. I have to ask what ENOUGH is? Who determines that sliding scale of acceptability? Well genius, it is self imposed.

    Yes, there I go again. It is our own responsibility to determine our place in the world. We determine how much attention we garner every day. Being noticed is another way of being held accountable. I for one have avoided being held accountable as long as I can.  So the next time you try to convince yourself you are just a wall flower, ask yourself, from whom are you hiding?

  • What’s for dinner?

    Hello Universe. What’s for dinner? Hmmmmm. Guess I have gotten into a rut of always eating and doing the same thing every week. It’s a routine and I know it well. It didn’t dawn on me to change it …much. I mean, I know when I cruise the aisles at Kroger I should make healthier choices. After all, the last time I took my measurements my body shape was neither apple nor pear shaped. Nope – my shape more resembled a triple dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen.Girl just throw some candied sprinkles on me and call me DELICIOUS!

    Some days it is just hard to move my body.EVERYTHING hurts! Reason says I should go downstairs and get on the fancy dancy treadmill in the work out room but it just seems boring, NO bells, NO whistles.  Besides…when do I ever listen to reason. And who the hell is she anyway!Why can’t they make a slot machine/treadmill combo. Now THAT I could go for. Cha CHING!!!!

    Mid life has gotten stale and that is my fault. So it dawned on me to try something NEW. Time to broaden my horizon past the NCIS marathon every evening.

    I bought a Beginning YOGA DVD and the most obnoxiously bright pink Yoga matt I could find. I was determined to end my Sunday night stretching, breathing and breaking my body, mind and spirit into some new and untried ground.

    I put on comfortable clothes that would let me move. I relocated the coffee table and inserted the DVD and rolled out my new hot pink matt…I was ready!

    Then nothing…damn thing wouldn’t play. The cable man had not hooked up the DVD player and try as I may I could NOT get the thing to work. I huffed and puffed and moved the TV around. I fiddled and faddled all to no avail.The YOGA work out was supposed to be a 20 minute relaxing and exhilerating experience…instead I had a thirty minute workout man handling electronics. And you know what – I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel better!

    So my plan may not have worked the way I had intended and yes – Carlos will be coming over to hook up the electronics properly sometime this week. But I think I’m gonna like this new BIG GIRL YOGA!

    Think outside the box – Try something new this week!!!

  • The Duck made me do it!

    I don’t know about you but there is nothing better to me than relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath at the end of a long cold day.Aghhhhhhh. And well, let’s face it – you are NEVER too old for bath toys. I have several. So it was just me, my loufa and my ducks. Aghhhh the luxury. As I watched the ducks bob around my ankles it suddenly hit me. The DUCK made me do it! What a great excuse. And how funny would it be if every time you heard someone put the blame on their unsavory decisions on THE DUCK.

    Sounds pretty silly doesn’t it. But it is that simple. We either operate from faith or fear. That is what molds each decision we make everyday. We either BELIEVE or have faith in what we are doing and who we are or we are fearful and fill our days with senseless reactions.

    When we make a good decision. We claim it. We “thought long and hard” and made the right choice. But often when we feel we might have made the wrong choice we put the blame outside ourselves. The Devil made me do it. Or I was “talked” into it, or my partner said I should. We REMOVE our responsibility. But actually – you put just as much thought into the wrong decision by deciding not to own your own destiny.

    So think about it today. Listen to those around you and listen to yourself.

    Are you living in Faith? Do you know who you are and where you are going? Or is their a duck in your tub taking the blame for your water logged fingers and toes looking like prunes.

    Just a thought

    Juliana

  • Stop-Look-Listen

    It’s not just for train crossings anymore.

    If you don’t know how you feel how can you build a better life? If you put off thinking about your life then you will continue to spin in a circle as if one foot is hammered to the floor. You will continue to do the same thing day in and day out.

    Wouldn’t you rather move forward? There is a whole world out there waiting for you to realize who you are and join in the fun.

    Stop: And still your mind

    Look: Into your heart to understand what you are truly feeling

    Listen: For inner voice to tell you how to move forward.

    I love you all

    Juliana

  • Baggage…Luis Vuitton or Samsonite

    Baggage: suitcases, bags, and other items are for carrying personal belongings during a journey. Well, that sums it up nicely doesn’t it?

    We have been taught to expect, especially if you are middle-aged like me, that almost all people will have accumulated “BAGGAGE” along their journey in life.We spend years lugging these bags around with us from place to place and relationship to relationship.We rarely look inside cause we know what is in there. It’s all the negative experiences in our lives…no not actually the experiences…it’s filled with all our REACTIONS to the negative experiences we have endured on our journey.

    We clutch these bags as if they are filled with precious trophys and commendations. If someone really wants to get to know us we say they have to take us AND our baggage.We use these bags as an excuse  and point at them as an example outside ourselves for why we can’t trust others easily, why we fear success, intimacy or commitment.  Why would you want to bring something so negative from yesterday into your life TODAY?

    My baggage is filled with injustices. But the biggest bag I personally carry is fear. All the insecurity, rejection, broken hearts and violated trust all boil down to one bag that weighs me down and incurs additional fees everywhere I travel.

    I don’t like this bag or all the rest that completes the set. Yes, I have them all, the makeup bag, the overnight bag, the Weekender and then BIG DADDY.  I am so tired of moving them from one place to another.

    So what to do? The simplest way mentally seems the hardest. But it can be done. Walk away.

    Unattended baggage has a home – and it’s not with you.

    Once you can understand that all the things you have been holding onto and shoving in those bags were just excuses to keep you from living the free-flowing life you were meant to lead, You will see there is an easier way to travel. Don’t let excuses shield you from opportunity and advancement in  life. You are free to live a life filled with love,trust and untold joys.THAT is your destiny. Travel light. Only take with you what you need for today. Leave the past behind you and capture each new day as an opportunity to live in a new energy. If you don’t like your life…only you can change it.

    You can be left behind struggling with your bags, worn out, exasperated and sore or you can travel light and see the world. Today I choose the world!

  • Whose sailing this ship?

    Life is about choices. And the choices you make are what create the world you live in. That’s right. It’s all on you. So if you’re not happy with the way your life is going. Change it.

    If you step back and listen, it is amazing how many people will tell you they are unhappy because of the other people around them. Most of them are not even aware that they lay the responsibility at everyone else’s feet.

    “My job sucks! My Boss demands too much and appreciates little if anything. I can NEVER do enough for that company.”

    “Where is my best friend when I need her, I do so much more for her”

    “My partner needs to step up, If I don’t do everything, nothing gets done “.

    Everywhere they look – they see “LACK”.

    I can hear it ringing in my ears; Quitters never win!….If it’s what you want you’ll have to work for it….  Butch up NANCY! And then it comes out…If THEY would just see what I do, If THEY would just appreciate who I am , If THEY just loved me more.

    But Hang on! It’s not about THEM. Being unhappy or unfulfilled is on me. It is my choice.

    I am all about working smarter these days. And SMARTER means sailing your own ship. Take responsibility for where you are and who gets to ride on your boat. And if they aren’t sea worthy then they need to stay on shore. Set your own course and let life fill your sails. Make the choice to let go and let GOD. Let that inner voice guide you to new heights, a new job, friend or partner. It may mean letting go of people you really care about and thought would always be beside you but part of your mutual lesson in life will be about moving on. It doesn’t  mean you don’t love them, it just means their way of living doesn’t work for you. And that’s O.K. because it is their choice as well.

    Change is scary. And sometimes you would rather hang on to half of what you want than let go and have nothing. But you can’t move forward with a new plan till you let go of the old energy. You can’t feel the spray of the ocean if you never leave the dock. Toss the lines and set sail. Heaven is a state of mind and it is your choice to welcome it with open arms.

  • Never to late.

    What does your wall look like? You know what I am talking about….your WALL. Most everyone has one. I’m not talking about a little monkey grass border up your sidewalk…or a white picket fence. In fact, picket fences can be rather decorative and practical. It says everything in a polite way –  “STAY OFF THE GRASS” and keep your dog out of my yard please.  Here in the South good fences make for good neighbors. What I’m asking you about is YOUR WALL.

    I’ll go first. My wall is tall…but not TOO tall. I can’t reach the top, it’s a few feet out of my reach. You would think it would stretch left to right as far as the eye could see, but no, mine is really no more than five or six feet from center in each direction. The thing is when I’m standing in the center of it, hands pressed into it and holding fast, I can’t see over or around it. So I guess it is doing it’s job. There are cracks in the wall though that let sun light in and if I press my eye up to them I can just see the other side to gaze upon all that I am missing.

    Sometimes people scale the wall or tunnel under to come see me. They do all the things to show me I am worth the effort which is what I expect. After all…I built the wall to keep them out or at least make it a challenge to find me.Oh I am SO glad to see them but by and by ….I turn my attention back to my wall. Cause I have to hold it up you see. I can’t embrace you with both arms cause I gotta keep at least one hand on the wall. Sometimes when my arms are tired I just put my back up against it. And when I turn around I find the people have all gone. It’s just me and my wall.

    What happens if I let go? What happens if I back away? What happens if I don’t tend the wall? Do I have to break through it to get the other side? I’ve heard that from others ” you have to just break through”…but do I? That phrase is just steeped in impending pain and suffering. Dear God, Help me see this differently.

    I take a deep breath. I take my hands slowly from the wall. NOTHING CHANGES. I back up three steps and look at this barrier I have created for myself. WALL IS STILL THERE. NOTHING CHANGES.

    I take another deep breath and let it out. I look at this obstacle I have created over the last 48 years and then it dawns on me. WALK AROUND IT!!! I put one foot in front of the other and walk around the wall to the other side. No pain. No stress. I just walk and I keep walking. The air is fresher, the sun is brighter, my step is lighter. I am free of the wall. THAT is the break thru.

    It’s never too late to look at your life differently. It’s never too late to ask for guidance. It’s never too late to love or be loved. The perfect time is NOW.

    Happy Re-birthday to everyone!