Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: meditation

  • Put A Bow On It!

    A very old and wise woman reminded me yesterday that every day is a gift – so put an ef’ing bow on it!  Okay…maybe she’s not THAT old but she is pretty darn savy none the less. And she is 100% correct! There I said it! Lori Westmoreland is RIGHT as rain!

    Size cannot be a determining factor in dressing up your day and enjoying the moment. We live in the NOW, not tomorrow or next week or next month. And yeah – it’s great if you lose 10 lbs next month and you can wear those OTHER jeans but not having lost it TODAY should not keep you from living life to the max and making the best of what God gave you.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And if you aren’t BEHOLDEN your own beauty in the mirror then shame on you! SIZE is not the issue. SELF ESTEEM is the issue. So as Lori says – “Go get your toes done – you’ll feel better”. She has a point. DO something for yourself that makes you feel beautiful. Stop hiding behind the mental image of how you think you should look and LIVE today. Stop dreaming about that “Coming out” party your gonna throw for yourself when you weight 100 lbs less. Come out NOW! Walk the red carpet TODAY! Life is a gift and so am I. Don’t love me for just who I am on the inside of the box. Don’t love me “inspite” of my size.  Love me….. gift wrapped, bow and all. SELF ESTEEM….It’s sexier than SIZE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Human Touch

    When was the last time you reached outside your comfort zone and took the time to touch someone during your day? I mean, really stop and make direct eye contact and engage someone for a moment that you didn’t even know. Not as part of your job but as a part of LIVING.

    I am guilty. Guilty of running from one task to the next from sun up to sundown, day in and day out, and in those moments letting the living pass me by. We are all probably guilty of ignoring people from time to time. Invisible people, homeless people, physically challenged people,the old and infirm….and yes, the service people who make are days easier by taking away our trash and clipping our lawns and taking away our dirty plates at the restaurant. DIFFERENCES inherently make people uncomfortable. I am aware that I make some people uncomfortable by being overweight. As a large person I can sense those that look PAST me and those that render me  INVISIBLE .I therefore experience times and situations where I am painfully shy. Invisible has become my preference.

    I saw a man the other morning through the window of my apartment gym as I was huffing away on the treadmill. He was tall, thin and blacker than black. He was putting up the umbrellas on the outside patio. He must have felt me watching him as he looked up and caught my gaze then  immediately lowered his eyes and walked away.

    I finished my 30 minute workout and headed upstairs to my apartment. I got a glass of water and a book and headed out to the courtyard to cool down , read and meditate by the fountain. It was cool outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain stilled my mind. I thought of the man I had seen earlier and wondered if he felt as invisible as I do.

    I heard footsteps on the pavement and looked up and saw him again. He was on to his next task – cleaning the courtyard. I watched him for a moment. He made a point not to look up. And I thought…son of a bitch – he is as scared of me as I am of…everybody! In that moment I made the bold, spontaneous decision to speak. “Good morning” I said…making sure I spoke clearly and with purpose. He looked up and shyly returned the greeting. “What’s is your name?” I asked and he said “QUIT” in an obvious accent. I repeated his name and asked him “Where are you from?” He paused and seemed to relax a bit and settled his hands on his broom handle. “Africa” he said. I smiled and said ” Well, I am glad you are here. And THANK YOU for making our home such a nice place to live”. A large smile broke out across his face. He nodded his head and said “You are welcome”. In that moment I knew we had just made each others day.We shared in a human experience.

    It made me glad I went to the gym. I made me glad I took the time to go meditate in the courtyard. I was glad I reached past my own discomfort to maybe ease the discomfort of another. Giving is a gift that comes back to you over and over.

    Take the time to reach out and touch. SEE the people around you and you will be SEEN. All that flows from you and all that flows to you is good when it is sent with pure intent.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Nothing more than Feelings

    I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

    My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

    It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

    When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

    If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

    I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

    I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…First Place

    I am the worst person when it comes to self restraint. I live big, I work BIG and I LOVE BIG. Like a pit bull lock jawed on a burglar I don’t like giving up what I love. And let’s face it. I love to eat or I wouldn’t weigh 300 lbs. But all that BIG LIVING leaves little time to dedicate to loving myself in a bigger way and making a plan to eat and live better.

    On Friday I had to go to a meeting downtown.There was no parking anywhere near the building I needed to go to and the thought of walking 6 city blocks make me sick to my stomach. But I got out, purse on one shoulder and binder in my hand, I huffed it…… all the way to 811 Dallas. I reached my final destination panting and sweating like a prime swine at the rodeo pig races. But alas there was no one there to give me an Oreo for making it to the finish line, or a chair…or a drink of water.Thank God I got to catch my breath and pat my brow while waiting on the elevator before meeting my client.

    I stepped on the elevator and with a deep heavy sigh…it dawned on me. THAT was exercise! AND I LIVED!!!!!!

    It wasn’t a race where you get a ribbon or a marathon for a great cause. It was just me and the concrete. The only one who realized what an accomplishment it was for a 300 lb woman with heart failure….was me. And  then, that  “inner voice” that always seems to speak to me when I least expect it. When I’m alone and quite….like in an elevator being hauled up to the top floor of a downtown office building for a meeting I was late to, it  said to me “Just because you know you won’t place first is no reason not to run the race”.

    Hmmmmm.Well, I’ll be! That’s the beauty of life. You get to enter a new race everyday. Sometimes you win and get a ribbon, sometimes you place and find new friends on the podium and other times you cross the finish line last. But that’s okay. The only ones that the evening news ever shows crossing the finish line are the winner and the last to complete the course. Smile for the camera baby! YOU MADE IT!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • 8 Seconds

    listenI have always been taught that PRAYER is talking to GOD, MEDITATION is listening for an answer. But I would hedge a bet that not many people spend much time “listening”.A bull rider not only has to stay on the bull 8 seconds he has to focus on his style to score the points needed to be in the money. He must put everything he has, body and soul into that seemingly brief amount of time. On a rank bull, waiting on the buzzer to sound can seem like an eternity. So isn’t it nice that to Meditate all you have to do is clear your mind completely…and listen.Just be open to what the Universe has to tell you.

    Try it…..Right now. Close your eyes. Breath in …..and breath out and sit in silence for 8 seconds….Go ahead…I’ll wait….Okay. I made it four seconds before the Target Logo popped into my mind and I thought “Dang, I need to go to  Target after work.”

    Now….Start over. Breath in….. Breath out….clear your mind……..ughhhh I started counting the seconds in my head and suddenly found myself counting sheep instead.. Dang!….Wanna try again?….Breath in…..Breath out……

    How did you do? If you got it – Great you are on your way to LISTENING. If not keep practicing. Learn to extend your time from not just seconds but minutes. Soon you will find that listening is a calming way to center yourself for the day.

    The answers you seek will flood into your mind.

    Cowboy up!

    Juliana

  • Weight of the world.

    Sometimes in life I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m just not strong enough to hold up my end. Many times this feeling comes on the heels of a major life changing decision. When I step out of myself and look at it from above. the work truly came in seeing the need for change, weighing the options and coming to a decision. The weight of the world is the flooding waves of self doubt that comes afterward. Did I do the right thing? Did I take into consideration all the others involved and how it will affect them? Was I acting selfishly?Doubt, Doubt….doubt.

    If you find yourself praying for MORE STRENGTH to stand by your decisions then you have another decision to make. Either have faith that you made a sound decision based on who you are and what you need in life or have the courage to re-examine your choices and make adjustments accordingly. Life is a lesson. You grade your own papers in this class. Only you can decide what corrections need to be circled and highlighted.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FOCUS

    Do you suffer from spiritual or emotional A.D.D.? Attention Deficit Disorder. Lord knows I have been battling it all week. I have a vision in front of me of who I am and where I want to be. When I focus on it, I can see it clearly and feel it creeping into every cell in my body. And then….SQUIRREL!!! My eye darts over my past. I am distracted by memories of people, places and things. Like an overwhelmed hoarder ordered to pick and choose what can stay and what I must let go of. I can’t decide what, if anything, I can stash in my pockets to take with me into the future. I become overwhelmed and I just shut down. Depression kicks in and I can neither go backwards or forwards.There are things I hold onto in my mind like a pit bull lock jawed on the ass of an intruder.If I let go of a memory or a person they will escape and be gone from me forever. It will be lost. I will have nothing. That is FEAR talking in my ear. FEAR pretending to protect me as if it had my best interest at heart.

    Letting go of the cluttered memories of your past allows the light to shine on your future. Focus on TODAY. Focus on the people and experiences you encounter TODAY and you will find that your future life is NOW.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Oprah moment.

    Would Oprah be Oprah if she had a different past? Would she have the extraordinary compassion and ability to relate to all types of personal trials and tribulations had she not come from a broken and dysfunctional family and challenging early years?

    We all know at least bits and pieces of the story. Her mother was absent most of her life and she was raised by a grandmother and later sent to her father. She was sexually abused by family members and plagued by years of weight issues and yet she has become one of the most influential people on the planet. How can all that be chance?

    How much of my own life has been chance?

    A cousin of my father’s contacted me this week on Facebook for his current mailing address. She said as a casual matter of fact that he would be 80 yrs old in March and though she didn’t remember the exact date she would love to surprise him with a card. The sad fact was I neither realized he would be 80 nor did I know the date of his birth.

    My father was emotionally and at times physically absent all of my years. To learn to expect less from him I called him by his first name, Denver, since I was a teenager. It somehow softened the blow that he was not the “daddy” I thought I should have had.My siblings followed suit. He is DENVER to us all.

    I have to believe that I am who I should be and that in living in THIS moment all my past has led me to this instance. I am where I should be. I am being touched by and touching the lives and moments of the people I surround myself with for a reason. And today is good.

    In recognizing and truly absorbing that personal truth I have to say. It is never too late. Never too late to take the time to say thank you and celebrate the life of a spirit that had his own personal journey to master. Did he accomplish the goals he had for himself in life? Only he knows for sure and he is not likely to tell you one way or another. That’s okay. I am who I am because of the influences he had in my life. Whether I perceived them as negative or positive is neither here nor there. When you live in the NOW all is good. If you don’t like something about your life at this point it is your responsibility to change it.

    Time to run – I have a birthday party to plan.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Take no prisoners.

    The word of the day is SURRENDER:

    As defined by the dictionary as to declare yourself defeated: to declare to an opponent that he or she has won so that fighting or conflict can cease

    give up possession of something: to relinquish possession or control of something because of coercion or force.

    It all sounds rather negative to me. So how can I SURRENDER to my higher power? Who do I surrender too? The nagging fear of loss keeps me from letting go.

    I have surrendered in small isolated instances in the past. I have surrendered to an audience of thousands and felt them lift me to unexpected heights. I have surrendered in silence to a soul mate in a simple gaze. There is electricity in the air and my body adsorbs every bit of energy in the room. It is exhilarating and yet I still struggle to allow myself to feel that on a daily basis. I remind myself that I am worthy and deserve all that life has to offer. Yet I struggle. The conflict is real.

    But I realize that there is no outside force or foe.The battle is with myself and  I am in fact the one I need to surrender to.

    I surrender this day to my higher self. It is not a loss. It is a gift.I am not defeated, I am the victor.

    I will not allow conflict with myself to rule my day. Being kind to me and making healthy choices throughout my day is not something I have to coerce or force myself to do. It is a honor and a privilege  and worth taking the time to do.

    There is absolute freedom in ultimate surrender.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana