Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: meditation

  • Toes in the sand…..

    All work and no play makes for a very boring girl. But sometimes balance is hard to find. Sometimes you have to actually SCHEDULE the fun. When you quit letting life happen TO you and stop just reacting  to the things that come your way you can get a true sense of why you are here.

    Sure, there are lessons that we have to trudge thru but there can be happy lessons along the way as well. Change your perception and you can change the world. And if you didn’t realize it yet. The world starts with YOU. The happier you are, the happier the people around you are. There is an old saying that I just love. “If Mamma ain’t happy, NOBODY is happy”. And I think that is true whether you are a mom or not. It just means that how you feel and react to the world impacts the people around you. Certainly makes sense to me.

    So let me ask you, what kind of impact have you had today? Did you smile at your co-workers? Did you say thank you to the check out clerk? Did you greet your neighbor at the pool with a healthy hello? Did you tell someone they just frick’in matter? It’s the littlest gestures that can mean the most.

    We were meant to be happy, healthy humans. We are here to experience all the wonders of the world. We are a blessing to all those we encounter. The Kingdom of Heaven is all around you if you will just take the time to see it. If you are out of wack, get on track. Take the time to dig your toes in the sand. Your feet will thank you. And so will all the people who love you and hold you dear. Cause let’s face it – HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS.

    That is my Sunday lesson.    🙂

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I believe I can fly…..

    There comes a time in life when all the coaching, advice and best wishes of friends, family and mentors can’t help you anymore. You have done the work and climbed the mountain. At some point you have to make that leap of faith and believe that all the training will serve you well. You gotta spread your wings and fly. Just jump for Christ’s sake. BE THE BIRD!

    You gotta love the animal spirits in the world. Turtles that crawl up from the sandy beaches and instinctively head into the surf. No swimming lessons for them – they just dive headlong into the water! No floaties, no nose clips, they head straight for the deep end.  Birds are pretty cool too. One day they just decide to jump! And there you have it! Sometimes momma gives them a nudge cause she is damn sick and tired of regurgitating worms up 10 times a day to feed them. After weeks of benging and purging I bet “empty nest” syndrome never crosses her mind! Animals haven’t locked in on this code of fear like humans have. Instead they have an incredible and inherent sense of BELIEF.

    As I have gotten older I have gotten to a point where I can honestly say. I BELIEVE. I believe in me. Cause if I don’t, who will? Others can believe in you all day long but they can’t fly for you. They can tell you how to do it and where and when….but that is about it.

    Nope. If you wanna soar, you gotta jump out of the nest on all your own. Everyone else is just a cheerleader on the sideline…and I personally LOVE cheerleaders…unless they are too skinny. I hate looking at anything I could bust like a twig. I’M JUST SAYING!

    I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Hide and watch. There’s gonna be some great things coming our way!

    I love each and every one of you. Even if you think your excluded, your not.

    Juliana

  • Patience Grasshopper…..

    Patience Grasshopper….ugh…I’m trying, I’m trying…okay, honestly?Some days, I’m tired of trying. Some days I just want to let loose and spew a vile and nasty string of words at the world just to get it off my chest. I wanna get mad and throw things and hear glass shatter. I wanna scream so loud they can hear me in the next county. I want small children to tremble in my presence….okay, maybe not that extreme but you see where I am going here.

    When you try to walk a path of unconditional love it seems like, when you least expect it, someone shots an RPG (for those that don’t watch NCIS that is a rocket propelled granade) right at your ass. While your busy holding the door open and saying “have a nice day” and “may peace be with you” there is someone stepping on your toes as they scurry past with not so  much as an “Excuse me” or “Pardon me”.

    People suck…. , maybe not all people but some really do. At least a few do.

    Aghhhhhh but Grasshopper : ” To be able under ALL circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness”….says Confucius.

    Okay…people don’t suck. They just walk different paths. I know. I know.  Every encounter is a lesson no matter how big or small. Well then some lessons SUCK!!!!!   There, I said it. I feel better now. Can’t you tell? Don’t you see the smile on the grasshoppers face!

    Here is a bigger version. Courtesy of  http://www.elizabethcrocker.com and http://www.thewayiseeitthroughmylens.blogspot.com

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • All roads……

    A friend asked me yesterday ” When am I going to stop missing my last relationship?”

    Boy, If I could tell you that I’d be a millionaire.

    But the question isn’t really when will you quit missing that person. And it’s not ” when will you meet someone new?”. It’s simpler than that. It’s: WHEN WILL YOU FEEL NORMAL AGAIN?  There was a time before the relationship when things were normal. You were single and spent time with family and friends and you felt no pressure to be with anyone. Dinners out and movies, trips to the beach and family reunions, brunch on a Sunday or Wednesday night out with the girls. All just the average things you participated in on a daily basis. But now – you feel abnormal, unbalanced, incomplete.

    Since your breakup, even if you instigated it, you feel left behind. You feel cheated that they didn’t try harder. They didn’t fight for the relationship. And you feel guilty that maybe you didn’t try as hard as you could. Maybe your expectations were to high. Maybe theirs were. Maybe they were trying. They just needed a different outcome than you did. Either way, I understand the frustration and self judgement one feels in this situation. However, this is a time of reflection and digestion. While you are in this mood you are learning even if you don’t realize it.

    Life is very much like a stretch of Texas Highway. Some places are filled with vibrant and beautiful fields of Blue Bonnets and Indian Paint Brush set on the side of the road that stretch into pastures and tree lines this time of year. But they aren’t everywhere. And they don’t stay long. No, it’s a special time and there are special places along your journey home. You don’t really miss them or even think about them till they start popping here and there. They are the bright spots in your trip thru Texas. And as fast as they came and are enjoyed, they are gone. And the road loses some of its granduer. You miss them, but you move on down the road. They left you with fond memories and the seeds to grow a new experience in the future.

    It’s time to feel normal again. But you have to be willing to appreciate the beauty where God placed it. And just know it will come again down the road. You don’t have to know the exact day or location. Just know it’s over the next hill.

    I love each and every  you

    Juliana

  • Hell of a ride…..

    When I was a kid I loved to make wishes on dandelions and blooooooow….The fuzzy white seed pods would fly apart and I watched them drift away in the summer sun like mini storm troopers parachuting to earth.  Honestly, I still love doing that. But I think I have refined the process. It’s not just WISHES anymore. It is CLEAR INTENT. It is pure thought, born of faith, that can become manifest if you just see it in your minds eye. Just like the wish you make before you blow out a birthday candle. Close you eyes and WISH. Close your eyes and see that wish coming true. Claim it with pure intent.

    When you can stand your ground and proclaim with clear intent then you bend the ear of the Universe and you are heard. I have lots of wishes, some for me and some for you and some just for the dandelion.

    Don’t be afraid to dream. Don’t shy away from success. It is never to late to awaken your inner child and believe that all things are possible. Whether you are 8 or 80 you can redirect your life everyday you wake up and put your feet to the floor. Nuetral is not a speed. Engage your mind, awaken your heart and dream the bigger life you want into existence.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    And a special shout out to Ragan who said on danceswithfat.blog today

    “The fact that dating me means choosing to see beyond the stereotype of beauty is a natural screening process for cowards.  And that’s awesome, because you must be this brave to ride this ride.”

    Oh yeah, baby! You know it!. And believe me, no matter what I weigh – I AM ONE HELL OF A RIDE!

  • Choice

    Many things in life can make us unhappy, unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, illness, rejection and loss. Any number of things can trigger this emotional response that seems to weigh us down so far into the muck and mire that we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    But the light is there. It never went away. It comes from INSIDE you, not from the world around you. The sadness comes from the effects of what is unbalanced around you. Dis-ease takes over our spirit and panic rises up in our throat like a huge lump too big to swallow and we scramble to hold onto the idea that we once thought would make our life complete.

    To be UN-HAPPY is to be out of balance with who you are and what you value. Your moral compass is compromised. We often look for appreciation for the allowances and sacrifices we make when we compromise who we are. Rarely is that compromise acknowledged or appreciated. And so you give more, you wish more, you love more, all the while trying to fill a basin that is already broken. Eventually, having given all of yourself you can, you are left with not just one broken and empty basin but two. And you can only repair the one. You only have the power to fix your basin.

    Sometimes the best gift you can gift a person is the space and time to fix themselves.

    Being HAPPY makes you feel more alive that any other emotion. All other emotional staples lead to the sense of peace. When you are loved – you are happy, when you are successful you are happy.When you are reborn,  appreciated and made whole – you are HAPPY.  Your life is your own. If it’s not, then it is only because you have chosen to give it away. Once you claim your life back and are balanced and neither looking behind you or too far in front of you then you can realize that HAPPINESS is your choice. Choose to feel ALIVE. Choose to be HAPPY.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!

    What do each of the 4 leaf stand for?

    According to legend of western cultures, each of the four leaf clovers represent one theme.

    • First leaf is for hope
    • Second leaf is for faith
    • Third leaf is for love
    • Fourth leaf is for luck.

    I’m guessing I am one of the Lucky ones. I found a four-leaf clover once on the playground in elementary school. I hung on to it FOREVER. But, much like misspent youth, it is gone. No telling which pocket it was left in to run through the weekly laundry and down the drain. But I always remembered that I FOUND one. Finding it gave me HOPE.  Hope everyone could share in. It gave me FAITH. Cause finding it once meant you could find it again and again if you only look. It warmed my heart and I felt LOVE and connection to the world around me. And yes, It brought me LUCK. I was LUCKY to find it.

    I have been lucky through out my life. I always find hope when I am sure the last tread of hope is lost. I have faith that grows stronger every day that life will lead me where I need to be. I have love – unconditional love for those in my life and those that choose not to be. There is more than enough love to spare. I’d say that makes me pretty damn lucky!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I Hear ya Loud and Clear

    I am human….now, what the hell. What does that mean?

    Does it mean I am a person? An emotional being? A conscious participant in life? HUMAN…it is such an ambiguous term.

    Take for instance, if you heard over a loud speaker in a hospital Emergency Room….HUMAN in exam room 24″ …Well, it tells you someone came in and they are sick. No details though – you don’t know if they are male or female, young or old, or even how sick.  All makes sense to the doctors, right? They are sick – go see them. And if you are the patient in exam room 24 you’re thinking,” Thank God! I’m in exam room 24, help is on the way. I’m NEXT, I’M NEXT, I’M NEXT!!!!”

    What if you heard instead  – over the load speaker ” Morbidly Obese, Female, 48 with CHF and history of PE in respiratory distress room 24″. OUCH! Really? That is something you feel the need to announce over to the whole, entire ER? It felt like they were putting out an alarm. Warning! Warning! Fat Lady in 24~repeat FAT lady in 24″. I already felt like crap so it was just piling insult on top of injury at that point. It made me uncomfortable. And to deflect attention from my size I engaged the health professionals as little as possible and instead focused on texting and reaching outside the ER for some sort of comfort or validation that I was indeed a person, a friend, a daughter, an employee, a girlfriend. Anything I could be BEFORE being MORBIDLY OBESE. Nothing chased away the thought. As fate would have it, I would be placed in isolation and have three days to chew on this thought and how it made me feel. THAT is what humans do. We FEEL things and then we try to figure out WHY we feel them.

    What I came up with is: I don’t want my life to be defined by my size. I don’t want my size to be what everyone notices first. And yet it is. I’m that “big girl” everywhere I go.

    I looked up the morbid obesity chart and I would have to lose 82 lbs to just be considered OBESE and drop the “Morbidly” intro.  Can I do it? You bet your sweet ass I can. A few years back, I didn’t think I could do a lot of things on my own and I have proved myself wrong. I am out in front of the crowd and I am standing tall. I am stronger than I have ever been in body, mind and spirit. I don’t NEED what I thought I needed. I have walked through fire and come out on the other side. I am reborn and take flight like the Phoenix from the ash. To do that I had to LOVE MYSELF where others could not.I had to express that love in new ways that I had never experienced before. I had to forgive my inner self and embrace that chubster in a hug like no one else had ever felt. And I did.

    I realize now that life is a symphony and the people in our lives the notes on the page. Sometimes you experience the full orchestra and sometimes just the simple , tight melodic tone of a horn solo echoing over the masses. Each instrument plays an intricate part in the overall concert and evokes a different emotion. Life is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Being HUMAN can be beautiful if you start with loving yourself.

    Love yourself TODAY no matter what your size, shape or condition. Hearing myself referred to as MORBIDLY OBESE was just a reminder that was NOT who I wanted to be.

    As you love yourself, so shall you become more beautiful to behold.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The perfect gift…..

    In recent weeks we have seen the power of Social Media and it’s ability to spread a thought, a word, a deed. Hundreds of thousands can be moved to action by the ideas and revelations of a few. We are becoming a GLOBAL Consciousness  of Humanity.

    As injustice and restrictions on freedom are seen around the world the people are turning to embrace their own worthiness to live in a world of equal possibilities and open and free thought.

    They are realizing the spiritual power of  ideas and words. And where those words are shared and repeated, unbelievable changes are taking place.

    So too is the power of prayer. I was told recently “All I can do is offer a prayer”. It was an offer wrapped in fear. Fear of getting too involved or close to the situation. A fear of giving more than they were capable of giving. I understood where it came from. But I also realize that PRAYER is the most powerful gift you can give of yourself. When you pray with an open and honest heart, God listens. When you pray, you set aside all that is irrelevant to the situation and send love and healing energy. You get the hell out of the way and let God’s energy be directed to the situation. And when 10’s of thousand pray, God and all of Humanity, whether realized consciously or not, hear the call and are moved to action.

    Hundreds prayed for me while in the hospital last week. And the call has gone out for prayer for my mother who suffered another heart attack today. I hope the  world at large prays for Japan and it’s people after the most devastating disaster since the last world war. Your prayers matter. Never, ever think that your prayer is the lesser gift. It is the only TRUE gift we can give to one another. I am most thankful for your prayers for I am certain they will move mountains. They will see my mother home and healthy and they will see the world rise to rebuild a nation.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Power of One

    Healing Humanity begins with one soul. One person who has the courage to say” Heal me Father, make me whole”.

    I don’t ask that you  take away my disease but rather that you take away the  dis-ease in my spirit that impairs my body. My heart is then restored.

    I don’t ask that you take away the fat that clogs and pollutes my system. I ask that you remove the emotional weight I have resisted letting go of for so many years. I know the pounds will follow.

    Take away my false appetites Father and restore my right train of thought. Lead me to those that will feed my soul and nourish my spirit.

    I lay claim to healing in body, mind and spirit.

    I pray for Peace for Humanity, I pray for Perfect Guidance and Clear Understanding for all people in all things. And so it is.

    I love each and every one of you, and yes Lori, some days, I love you just a little bit more.

    Juliana