Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Inspiration

  • Dance with my father……

    My mother once explained to me, “The people you do for are rarely the ones to hold your hand when the shoe is on the other foot.”

    Life is not about paybacks. And it shouldn’t be. Expectations will more than likely lead you to disappointment unless you have the vision of the bigger plan.

    I was feeling a little sorry for myself driving back from Conroe the other night. I was remembering a girl that had been my very best friend. I had sat with her and her mother during her father’s first heart cath years ago…and even won him an Astros mascot doll in one of those crane games that usually robs you blind. He took it home and it sat next to his recliner for years. I was there years later for his heart by-pass which he came thru with flying colors. I held her hand. I soothed her nerves. I always thought when the time came with my family she would be holding mine. But God had other plans. Life sometimes gets in the way. Relationships change and people move out of our lives.

    I sang at a funeral for another girlfriend that I cherished with all my heart. It was one of the hardest things I have done. To see her sitting on the front row in the pain and grief of losing her father and sing a song called “Dance with My Father Again”. It was a stark reminder of the relationship between a father and daughter that I had never experienced. It took all my focus to get through the day. To get through that moment. I did everything I could. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t sooth her nerves the way she expected but I gave all that I had to the task at hand. I sang.

    I thought she would be the other one to stand by my side at this time. She’s the “take charge” kinda gal that gets Doctors and nurses  to give you their undivided attention. She cared for me for over two years of my own hospital stays. You couldn’t ask for a better advocate. But God had other plans. Life got in the way. Things changed and she move out of my life.

    I realized this morning after fielding a dozen phone calls and answering emails and posts that I have more people holding my hand than I could have ever imagined. I have so many best friends sending me and my family love and prayers that I could never narrow it down to just one BFF.

    What is the moral of this story? That as long as you focus on the one or two things you DON’T have you will never be able to see the thousands of things that have come to replace them.

    I am truly loved. From Austin to Amsterdam and every where else you can imagine. My best friends are lining up to hold my hand….. and my mother’s….. and my father’s, and my brother’s etc. etc. etc. I am so blessed. My heart is full. The lesson is learned. It’s not Tit for Tat….It’s Tit for ALL THAT and more.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Video link to Dance with My Father.

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  • Shifting sands……

    The shifting sands of life can sometimes seem to spread out in every direction and appear so vast an expanse of nothing-ness that you lose your bearings. Sand spills into every opening in your shoes making every step you take that much more difficult and uncomfortable. The hot winds have left you so parched you couldn’t call out a name if you tried. Progress seems impossible. Survival both emotional, mental and physical is challenged to the breaking point.

    Stop – Look – Listen. That is not a freight train coming at you….it is an OASIS.

    There you will find water to quench your thirst, shelter from the hot pounding rays of the sun and food to feed your soul.

    Life is hardest when we put up the fight to cross the desert all in one trip. Take your time.

    The prize is not in the far away distance…. the prize is already in your hand. Relax your grip and open your hand wide. Make room for the hand of inner voice to guide you to safety.

    All that you have been and all that you have done has been a journey worth taking. There is more to come…..once you have rested.

     

    I love each and every one of you. Today I say to someone I love – Love yourself just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • Circle of Life…..

    How many times have you said  ” Another time, another place and this would have worked perfectly” or “just not in the stars right now”. It seems to have been ‘MISSED” Synchronicity.
    Synchronicity is the coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and that is meaningful to the observer. ( Carl Jung)
    I recently read about “missed” synchronicity and how there really is no such thing.
    “You live in a circle,  If what came around when the timing was not appropriate was missed, it will come around again.  That is an honor in the NOW, is it not?  When you are in the NOW, you understand the circular way life works.  You will also understand that it is Spirit Who brings what you think you missed. ”  KRYON
    That was a chunk to chew on….. but I think I get it.
    Imagine a carousel and like most carousels it has a brass ring. The ring “synchronicity” is the constant. It does not waver or go away. The moving factor is YOU.How many times will you pass the ring before you NOTICE it? How long, once you become aware of the ring, will it take for you to realize you can reach out an take hold of it? How many times will you make adjustments in your position to grasp it successfully?
    Great things happen to great people and the beauty is we are all great.  Haven’t you reached a goal before and when you reflected  upon the series of seemingly unrelated events that led you to that great moment it just seemed magical. Did you feel like all the stars just lined up perfectly for you in that instance. I’ve experienced it.
    Spirit presents multiple brass rings in life. Some we see, some we grab and some pass us by unnoticed. The possibilities never waver, they are always there.
    Life is a ride….grab the ring baby! If you don’t see it right now. Just keep your eyes open. BE AWARE.  It will come your way again.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Wonder Woman…..

    Reluctantly I admit, that even though I have the cape, matching underwear and the whip, I am not a 21-year-old Super Hero. Damn it!

    I  am the 48-year-old woman who succumbed to heat exposure on Sunday whilst swimming & trying to blend the 4 shades of freckles on my body into a uniform tan. Alas, I must raise my hand and stand tall just like the twelve step program recommends and admit to myself and others that with this bevy of freckles, my tan looks more like an incomplete, faux finishing project at a Hobby Lobby class than a Hawaiian Tropics pin-up girl. Grrrrrrrrr.

    It has taken me till tonight to get back on my feet. So is the life of a girl with heart failure who pushes her physical  boundaries just a tad too much sometimes. Double Grrrrrr.

    So I spent the whole day yesterday lifeless and sleeping. Sleeping and dreaming. Dreaming and sleeping. It’s at these times I feel the gentle nudge of spiritual guardians reminding me to slow down and focus. To be more aware of my surroundings and the people in my life. To enjoy the moment and live in the present. To listen to my body and let it guide me. There is more time left than I can ever imagine and the concept of that time is always expanding.

    I have filtered out that which is unreal and embraced what is. I am that I am. I am here to experience the things that I am not so that I can know better that which I am. I am a trained singer, not a writer and yet I am a writer now and it is real. I’m not hiding behind other people’s words, emotions  and flowing melody in a song. I am writing my own. I am living my own. I don’t have to  hide behind the mask of a Super Diva any longer.

    I’m keeping the cape, the matching underwear………..and the whip….cause lets just face it – everybody likes a little dress up every now and then. wink…wink…nod…nod….

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • More please…..

    There are two kinds of people in the world:

    There are those that are willing to step out in faith and make things happen. They are the people willing to seize the day and grab hold of the enormous energy the Universe sends their way. They succeed because they have a broader vision of their worth and value to the world. They achieve more and contribute more because they accept that they can be more.

    And then,  there are those that don’t understand the power of faith and participation. They don’t appreciate their own value and the power of who they are and from where they came. They hedge their bets that if they just sit tight something will come their way. If it doesn’t, then they must not have deserved it. They let circumstance guide their lives. They define who they are by what others give them. Their perceived accomplishments are simply a collection of handouts they rarely can hold onto.

    I have found that the key to unlocking the FAITH and courage to step out on groundless ground is accepting that you deserve to have the ground reach up to support you on your journey.

    I used to live a different life. I thought that if I focused all my energy on caring for someone and taking care of their needs that I would have value. Mistakenly, I waited for them to define my worth. To pat my head and say I mattered. I based my value and my place in the world on how much I could do for them and how much it would be appreciated. I let someone else determine my worth. I always felt at the end of the day like I was the orphan in Oliver always holding up my cup and saying “More please” because I was left hungry for more love and acceptance.

    I made the conscious decision last year to define my own value and  focus all the energy I had been giving away to others on myself. I stepped out and grabbed hold of an incredible life energy, a life line that raised me above the drama and conflict that I had been wrapped in. And as things began to open up for me and the possibilities grew I realized that I began to matter more to myself. I began to eat better, live cleaner and take care of myself like I had never done before. I found myself sitting on the corner of life just waiting for me to ask myself to come out and play. And when I did,wow,  the world is a frick’in awesome playground. I think the monkey bars are my favorite.

    It’s amazing to realize that by simply shifting the focus off someone or something outside myself and redirecting it back to the child within me that so many rewards would come my way. The more I work on “ME” and the more I share that work with others the more people validate my life and say “I MATTER” by the hundreds. It feeds me. I am no longer the hungry orphan. I can be anything I choose to be, an artist, a writer, a singer, a friend or a lover. I have more to give because I make sure I am taken care of first. I eat so that I have the energy to feed others. I work out so that I am strong enough to lend a helping hand. I take care of myself so that I can actually be there for others.

    If you want to matter more to those around you. Matter more to yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana


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  • Slap my ass and call me Daisy…..

    During my “quiet time” at the pool this afternoon I got to thinking. Hmmmmm. They say that everyone should have a spiritual animal guide, I wonder what animal I would  get  for a guide today? …Immediately I had a vision of a cow  ( a very cute cow) chewing it’s cud.

    CUD : “Food regurgitated from the first stomach to the mouth of a ruminant and chewed again”. It’s a digestion thing.

    Seems I have been regurgitating some emotional hay and having to chew it up all over again this week to get it down my gullet and out the other end. So, after swimming 5 laps (yes 5 and they aren’t baby laps either – the pool is 75 ft long…I counted the tiles.) ANYWAY – I  heaved up on the lounger to multi-task and soak up some late afternoon sun and meditate.

    I named every emotion that plagued me this week. Guilt, blame, shame etc and I mentally attached 10 lbs per word and laid them on a spiritual alter of sorts. When I had purged my list I envisioned setting the alter a flame and sending all that negative energy and the weight  that burdened me from it up in smoke. I struck the match, I lit the flame and THAT ladies and gentleman is how you start a grease fire!  Wow!!!!! Damn good thing there’s not a burn ban in the spiritual world cause that mother went UP! Oooooohhhh. The curse of  the creative mind. Meditation time was over and I swam another 5 laps and snorted water up my nose laughing at myself and nearly drowned.

    Meditation isn’t for everyone. 20 yrs ago we included my brother, Vern, in a guided meditation class I was hosting. The teacher that night asked us all to go within. Follow the journey and the sound of his voice. Walk in a cave and then out into a glen. When you stand in the glen you were to call forth your animal guide from the tree line and he would emerge…you could ask him a question…blah blah.. he would take you to the SON/SUN for a gift etc….Afterwards we went round the group and asked about each others experience. When it came Vern’s turn to “Share” the teacher asked him.

    Well Vern, Did you find the glen?

    “Yes sir”  -he said with his hands folded lightly on his lap.

    Goooood, Vern, did you ask for a spiritual guide to emerge from the tree line?

    “Ugh huh, sure did”, he had a grin on his face like he had really learned something important which surprised me.

    And did you ask him to take you to the SON/SUN?

    Vern quickly blurted out – from a very spiritual place all his own – “Hell no! It was a 12 point buck. I shot that mother. Course, I knew you hippie folks was medi-tating so I shot him with my bow and arrow. Right through the heart. That wiley rascal never knew what hit him!

    Word to the wise…..when trying to  enlighten a redneck…… use a high beam spotlight. And when working thru the issues that you are sure you already processed and digested  – don’t be surprised if you don’t have to go back and spend some time chewing your cud to get it all to go down for good.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • OH, Oh, Oh Pick Me!!!…..

    Sometimes it’s just nice to have a little validation once in a while. I have been working on my prayer and mediation for the last year or so as a tool to restore my true self and replace the chaos and scattered thoughts with balance.  Heal the mind and the body will follow.

    Ya see, it’s kinda like this. Prayer is talking to God, boy I can chew his ear off….Meditation is listening quietly (shhhhhhh)  for the answer….which is the part I suck at most. But, I have not given up. I work with visualizations and mantras and strive to focus, focus, focus – SQUIRREL! – Focus, Focus, Focus.

    I buy books to read and then read them a little at a time.Yes, A little at a time. I told you I have focus issues!

    Today I picked back up “A Course in Weight Lose” and thumbed to a new chapter and low and behold if Marianne Williamson isn’t suggesting the same style meditation I thought I came up with all on my own. See, even God hedges his bets and plants seeds of thought to a whole slew of people and just sits back to see who actually “gets” it enough to put it out there to everyone else. Kinda like charades. ANYWAY…..

    I had been visualizing. Seeing myself filled with light and have been telling every cell in my body that if it doesn’t serve a positive function in running the physical machine that it may be excused and return to the SOURCE. I thank it for it’s service , all very polite of course and release it as I have done with fear, blame, guilt and other negative energies I have held onto for so long.

    Well Marianne has a little fancier version  – she suggests you see yourself lying on a beautiful, smooth, white marble slab surrounded in light. Call me crazy but after three heart attacks I’m thinking the last thing I want to think about is being laid out on any kind of slab..even marble….too close for comfort. But the rest of her meditation was pretty close. She suggests a spiritual surgeon to remove the part of you that does not serve you any longer and that he carves away the weight with white light like a razor and the weight just falls away. You are blessed and cleansed blah blah blah. You get it right. So it was just a nice validation that someone out there was thinking along the same lines as I was. Gold Star for me!

    I already new I was a winner this morning cause I fit in a pair of pants I hadn’t worn in a year. COMFORTABLY fit…not even a squeeeeeze.

    I quickly posted my success on Facebook this morning and the “Congrats” came all day. I AM A WINNER!!!!!! It would be awesome if the Universe just passed out beautiful blondes as a prize for all my hard work and perseverance …(heavy sigh) …. but I’ll settle for a huge chunk of my friends patting my back and spouting encouragement in cyper space any day. It’s too hard to focus with pretty blue eyes staring at you anyway.

    I celebrate being healthy, being balanced and bringing myself into a truer representation on the outside of who I am on the inside.

    I love each and every one of you. But today…I love my Liz Claiburn jeans just a little bit more. 🙂

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • FEELING the pain…..

    I walked thru the wooden, hand-carved doors this afternoon and was very self-conscious of the heavy sound of my footsteps on the marble inlaid floor of the funeral home. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to swallow the solid lump that had formed in my throat before I even entered the chapel. I took a deep breath knowing the next few hours would be some of the hardest.

    There she sat, alone on the first pew nearest the coffin. A black lace shawl around her slumped shoulders. Family members gathered around the pearl white casket all with their backs to the mother who had suddenly lost her daughter.

    24 years ago I sat and listened to the story of their coming to this country from El Salvador. Their native-land left in military chaos and horrible uncertainty. They came here for a better life.

    I watched as her youngest little girl mastered English and learned to speak for her entire family. I saw her blossom into a beautiful young lady with dark hair and shimmering brown eyes. She excelled in school and graduate with honors. We expected no less. At a time when we should be celebrating a college graduation we instead are forced to celebrate a life we deemed to short.

    Grief can shred your heart if you allow all the “what if’s” and “what could have been’s” to take over your thoughts. I knew I had to celebrate the life that was lived and not the milestones that will be missed. If everything happens in God’s perfect time then even this has to bear a  blessing somehow.

    I walked to the casket to say a final goodbye, to utter a prayer for my baby girl to travel safe on her new journey. Her mother called to me and held up a black beaded Rosary.  “Please, put this in my babies hands?”… That lump jumped up into my throat again…but  I did just as she asked and laced the beads between her fingers, laying the cross and beads down gently over her folded hands. A beautiful girl, a beautiful life….a beautiful Angel.

    I felt the pain in that moment. Just as I should have. Emotions and feelings no longer dulled and masked by medications. I felt what was real, I cried the tears. It was not lost on me that her young life on earth ended as mine continues to blossom everyday. I know I will have one more angel in my spiritual family cheering me on from across the veil. I have had several good cries. I’m probably due a few more. It’s just part of being real.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Dance like no one’s watching….

    “It’s not about surviving the storm, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain”. I read that today and it has stuck with me for hours.

    Each word carries so much weight and so much meaning.

    Many times in life I have held onto a highly misplaced “discipline” to hang on in a bad situation. To weather the storm and ride it out. I think we have been conditioned to believe that only thru suffering can we find true redemption. But the real redemption comes from realizing that the storm is your perception of the situation and of your making.You either walked into the turmoil on your own or you created it by placing yourself in someone elses storm. Your anxiety feeds the storm and keeps the winds of turmoil churning in your life. Like a tornado it gathers up everything in its path and the clutter of people and emotions whirl around you till the sky turns black and it grows into a monster.

    What keeps you imbedded in the storm? Who in their right mind would want to stand in the center of that energy? What binds you there?  FEAR. Fear of making it worse. Fear of failing. Fear of judgement and persecution. Fear of rejection. Maybe someone will laugh or say “I told you so”. Or they may tell you “You bit off more than you can chew”. In the end it doesn’t matter what THEIR perception is. When you can learn to dance in the rain you can diffuse the negative and turn that hail storm into a gentle cleansing rain. Those that thrive in chaos will move to a more favorable climate.

    There is an Irish Proverb that is very simple :

    Work like you don’t need the money.
    Love like you’ve never been hurt.
    Dance like no-one’s watching.
    Sing like no-one’s listening.
    Live like there’s no tomorrow.

    How many of these things do you live by and practice everyday? I try to remind myself of these things each & every day and my skies have never been clearer.Who ever knew I was such a dancer!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

     

  • Staying on track…..

    We moved to Conroe, Texas when I was 5 years old. I can still remember the address, 206 South First Street, just across from the county hospital and only a few blocks from the railroad tracks. I listened to the whistle blow and the clacking of the cars on the tracks many a night.

    During the day, the tracks were our playground and our boundary. “Don’t go past the tracks”…Yes Mame….I always said “yes Mame”…..and then I went about crossing the tracks back and forth and around the corner on my blue, banana seat bicycle with streamers out the handles. I just figured –  It wasn’t like she was gonna come looking for me. So off to the tracks we would go. We took turns putting our ear to the track listening for the coming trains just like we saw in the old west movies. We’d put pennies on the rails and sat hoping for a passing train to flatten them as thin as paper. I loved gathering the big, fat juicy blackberries that grew along the tracks every summer. We ate tons and occasionally we made it back to the house before dark for mom to make a cobbler.

    Tracks…such a powerful symbol. Always going somewhere leading you towards the next station.

    I came back from a vacation weekend last night and though I hadn’t lost any additional weight, I hadn’t gained any either. I kept telling myself all day today. You gotta stay on track. Focus, Focus, Focus….chug, chug, chug….every penny I flatten is a pound behind me.

    Motivating yourself is key to making progress. It’s something you have to renew everyday. If you allow yourself to get derailed you’ll just sit in a side yard forever. I’m staying on track and I’m moving on down the line….Choooo…Choooo.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    See Ya!