Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Health

  • What’s a girl to do?…..

    I never, ever get a cold. EVER!!!    But this morning?

    Aching, sneezing, stuffy head, soar throat. WTF?

    My mother assured me it was all mental. A stress reaction to finding out my health insurance provider had dumped me three days ago without telling me. Lovely.

    They …(shhhhh.. .United Healthcare) had told me in July that at the end of my COBRA I would be able to convert to an Individual Policy. Sounded too good to be true…and it was. Nooooooo…They COULD convert it but they WON’T. And in some states they HAVE to convert it by law…Not Texas. Little something she neglected to mention.

    So, here I sit on my fabulous black and white contemporary sectional couch that I traded a washer/dryer set for and love oh so much, sniffling like a two year old and sneezing my proverbial ass off.

    Oh, I have all the comfy things I need…remote control, Lemon & Honey throat lozenges, Vick’s laden box of tissues, a cup of tea and a new red blanket from Urban Outfitters compliments of LAW and Kari’s discount card. Who could ask for anything more. This too shall pass.

    The insurance thing..not likely to find any takers or any takers I can possibly afford. I’m gonna get all research and tech savvy and find a lovely Canadian Pharmacy. How is it that on THAT side of the border American Pharmaceuticals are CHEAPER. Made in America – shipped a few miles north and  BINGO!!! “BOUGHT IN CANADA” means savings galore and BTW includes free shipping. So, I kinda figure it this way. Save $406.00 I was paying a month for insurance coverage and momma’s got a new pair of shoes!

    And if I just happen to get hit by a beer truck on my way to work – I’ll gladly pay the county hospital $10.00 a month…. for life. I think I’ll come out ahead. And if not, just keep it to yourself and let me live in delusion long enough to build up my wardrobe.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • A big case of AGHHHHH!!!!!

    It is absolutely stupid how freeing leaving 8″ of hair behind on the salon floor made me feel this afternoon. It was a spontaneous decision. Call and if they could take me – GO! Ohhh ….I find those are the best decisions! All spur of the moment and exciting.

    I was a bundle of nerves after I made the appointment but once that girl had her hands in my hair, massaging my temples and lathering my head into a frenzy I was putty in her hands.

    Let the chopping begin!

    45 Minutes later and I am a new person.

    I feel brand new, inside and out!  I feel invincible…almost bullet proof!

    Okay  – maybe not THAT extreme but damn close. I left a lot of time lying in piles on that saloon floor.  Little Lady Clairol 61/2G Auburn piles now destined for the dust pan. And that is perfectly okay.

    When you stop re-creating, re-investing and re-inventing yourself…you’ve stopped living. Change is good. It moves us forward.

    Be Brave….Make a change.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Seasons change…..And so do I…..

    There is this incredible moment ….a moment so hard to go back and pin point that you might as well not even try. A moment you just accept  as having happened as soon as you become AWARE of it.

    The AWARENESS comes well after the MOMENT.

    I sat today as I drove between jobs and tried to think…was it yesterday? …the day before? Or Monday….was it Monday??? I had to laugh to myself. The “WHEN” and “HOW” really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the end results  that matter.

    Like many, I have actively struggled with negative feelings, fears and phobias for years. I have struggled to let them go and purge them from my daily existence. I worked to let go of anger and I’ve prayed to be released from the stranglehold of unhealthy emotions. I have read books and done meditations to find that peaceful place where these things can no longer touch me.

    Through my studies I have discovered that you can say the words, even with conviction, like “I forgive you”, “I am worthy”…or “I’m not in love this person anymore”…but it is something else  entirely to believe it and live it. The elusive goal is to no longer feel anger in the back of your throat when you speak a name, to no longer feel a longing in your heart when you hear the name of another or fear a situation. And ultimately, to gather yourself in confidence and move on without regret.

    I had that moment today…that AWARENESS moment when I realized that the season in my life had changed and I wasn’t just ready to move on but that I already had. I felt no attachment to the past and the bag of rocks I had left beside the road somewhere along the way. I couldn’t even tell you how many miles back I had dropped the burden. I was just AWARE of traveling lighter.

    With that lightness today came a joy that had been missing in my life for a long time. It’s was like welcoming a new season…rejoicing in the falls first cold front to break the oppressive heat of a dry Texas summer. There is a crispness in the air, a  lightness in my step and I know that Christmas is just around the corner. Life is a gift…sometimes it even has a bow on it!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Coming home…..

    Home is where the heart is. Sometimes that can be a pretty hard address to find. I think today I got a little directional assistance.

    For years the drive back to see my mom in my hometown always filled me with trepidation. It’s only 45 minutes north. It might as well be 4 hours. I would feel a knot in my stomach long before I ever got in the car much less down the road. It wasn’t her….It was him. I was always uneasy, never knowing what kind of mood my father might be in and what snippy comment he might have in stored for me.  He had an uncanny knack for sniffing out a persons weakest spot and zeroing in on it. He would nip at it over and over like a little yappie dog. The only way to get away from the noise was to leave. I had an internal alarm clock set to two hours – that was about my max. Then on the road and back home where I knew I could finally breath again.

    In the last year the drive was made more complicated and uneasy by having to drive right past the road that led to my ex’s. Many a time I would find myself on the feeder road having exited without realizing it. It was just second nature. I never traveled past it without thinking about the home, the kids and even the dog that lay just down the road. It just became part of the ordeal in going to my parents house.

    Today, the tides changed. I was singing along to classic rock… Freddie Mercury and Queen…bad Company, Jefferson Airplane….I was ROCK’IN! And suddenly, I found myself across the river bridge and approaching downtown Conroe. I giggled to myself because honestly, I was a little taken aback. I had made it from my house to Conroe and NOT thought about ….ANYTHING. WOW!…and then I realized the knot in my stomach that had been there every time I crossed that river bridge for years wasn’t there either. In Fact…I was looking forward to getting out to the house and seeing my mother and the progress she has made on cleaning out the house since my fathers passing 30 days ago.

    I picked her up and we went to town for some light shopping and lunch. She shared with me that the lady she walked with every morning asked her how she was “really” feeling. She told me she just didn’t feel anything. She wondered out loud if that made her a bad person. I assured her it did not. Because I feel the same.

    I don’t feel sad. Some things I used to feel sad about. Like taking the wrong exit when my life no longer lies down the end of a particular road. But I don’t feel sad anymore. About that or my dad. Both were just  unfortunate circumstances with unfortunate endings.

    My heart is healing and I could actually feel that today. It felt just like “coming home” should feel.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Mornings SUCK!……

    MORNING PERSON?…….NOT!!!!…Anyone who has ever met me will testify in open court that I am NOT , nor have I ever been, a “morning person”. You know the type. They spring out of bed with an annoyingly perky smile on their face and a obnoxiuos song in their heart. It would never occur to them to actually use a “SNOOZE” button on an alarm clock. NO, these are the people who can immediately jump up and start a load of laundry on their way out the door to the gym and make it back home in time to make the bed, have a shower and balance their check book all before the morning rush hour gets started. I HATE THEM. Just saying…..

    I did, however, make an effort to join them this morning. I bought an $11.00 dollar alarm clock/radio at Target this weekend. Lord knows I haven’t had one of those in over 35 yrs. I’m  one of THOSE people who just get up when I’m supposed to but with my “Supposed” to time changing to make time to haul my fat ass downstairs to the gym in the morning I thought I better make the investment. I set my clock for 7:00AM….It went off and I hit the snooze button….typical…that’s what your supposed to do, right?…7:15AM…it goes off again.This time I let the radio play a classic rock song for a bit to wake me up and get me acclimated to the upright world. “Ughhhhhh this sucks”…..I’m thinking as I clutch my micro fiber body pillow closer to me. One song down and some ass hole commentator starts jibber jabbering about politics. He and his on-air sidekicks are trying to be funny and with a touch of Rock-Jock Shock humor….I found their slightly sanitized/riding on the edge of PC racial jokes utterly annoying. Instead of hitting the snooze button again, I just rolled my finger across the dial till I heard the soft melodic tones of elevator music. Aghhhhh better……Snuggle…..snuggle…….snoooooooooze……….

    I awoke at 8:15AM….my usual time. I panicked and jumped to my feet, which is never pretty. I grabbed my bra, shorts and t-shirt, a cute pair of pink socks from the drawer and proceeded to get dressed. I ran to the couch to put on my new “tennis shoes for exercising”  and turned on the TV only to notice the time on the cable box 8:22AM….I did the math in my head….8:22 +3 minutes to find my earphones and head down stairs….35 minutes on the tread mill, 3 minutes back up stairs….15 minutes to shower and change for work topped with a 5 minute drive down the street to the office…..hmmmmmm. I am now officially 23 minutes late for work.

    Obviously, this morning’s dry run didn’t work out. I skipped the gym, took the shower and opted for Special K with Strawberries for breakfast. I packed my Scooby Do lunch box, choked down a hand full of  prescription medications and headed out the door. I made it to work with a few minutes to spare.

    Tomorrows plan…6:45AM wake up time…..better radio station and make it out the door to the gym by 7:15AM….It’s a goal….and a process.

    BTW…..I lost 6 lbs last week…Yeah me!!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Let’s Ride…..

    The best thing about waking up every morning…other than the obvious…is that you get to start your life all over again. Wipe the slate clean. It’s a whole new day. Yesterdays failures and successes are behind you so no need to bitch or brag. TODAY has all the potential in the world.

    So this morning I got back on track. I weighed in….307 lbs. Yep. I know. Say no more!

    I logged onto Weight Watchers Point Plus and started the meticulous detailing of my daily intake. I packed my Bobby Sherman lunch box and armed myself with snacks. I even had my dinner tonight of stir fried beef and veggies. All good food, but here I sit at 9:36pm and I still have 12 points left to consume and I can’t eat another damn thing.

    That’s what most people don’t understand. Overweight people don’t allows OVER EAT all day. Many, like myself, eat inconsistently and make poor choices when we do eat. I am the most guilty of skipping breakfast and often not putting anything in my mouth till 1pm or 2pm…So my metabolism is shot to hell. My blood sugar spikes and then crashes and I am left feeling tired. Having heart failure only makes this worse. Experiencing severe chest pains again this weekend just makes it damn scary.

    I’m not beating myself up….because today was a new day. And tomorrow…..well, that’s another new day. I know that tomorrow, I need to shoot for a bigger breakfast and knock out some points and continue to eat consistently thru the day to maintain my blood sugar and my energy. I already know this works. But it is not the INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT that I lose when I sit myself down for a little chat with myself. It always comes back to convincing myself in my heart of hearts that I am worth the effort. It just seems logical that I am. But it also seems logical to me that if you calculate rate of speed, angle of ramp and resistance of the wind that you should be able to jump the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle just like Evel Knievel. Not everyone has the courage to do that.

    So I think I just answered my own question…It’s not about BEING worthy….It’s about having the COURAGE to act on it.

    Hmmmm…who knew??

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

     

  • Move according to your heart…..

    Follow your heart…it is an age old saying. But today…so many of us have been trained and conditioned to be such “LEADERS” in our lives and communities that we rarely allow ourselves to relax and  “FOLLOW” much of anything. We precieve “following” as the weaker option and therefore the lessor or least likely choice

    There is some much concentration on the daily challenges, expectations and conflicts that all we see are the expected roadblocks in our lives. We no longer see the beauty or our power within us to enjoy LIFE.  Hyper-Tunnel vision has us so focused on recognizing the chains that bind that we don’t take notice of the fact that the lock is open. And that all we have to do is unhook the padlock and the chains will fall away.

    Instead of waiting for someone or something to FOLLOW. Rest and relax in your spirit. Listen to your heart…..MOVE according to your heart.

    MOVE ACCORDING TO YOUR HEART…..It knows you better than anyone. It will not lead you astray.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Pull your head out…..

    There comes a time in life when just putting on your big girl panties isn’t enough armor to get you through the crisis. I know.  It is hard to imagine.

    In those rare instances I become….the turtle. I pull in my short, stubby little front hands badly in need of a manicure. I tuck in my chubby little back legs and pull my knobby head in tight…and WA LA! I am invisible and protected inside a  dark, stylishly minimalistic, yet cramped shell.

    Well…it works for a while. Silence. Solitude. Eventually I got lonely and sent up a few flares to a select few and said “Wanna come over?”…It’s safer for me here.  Come on! ….come over!…I’ll make room!!!  But I get no takers because they can see that it’s a tight squeeze for one, much less a table for two, and the odds that I had bathed were slim to none. But I stay there. In the silence….solitude….scared, till the festering funk that is my confines becomes too toxic to live in.

    I stuck my head out today…and there was light…and fresh air…and room to stretch my legs. Oddly enough….no one attacked. It felt good.

    there had come a point where I  changed my focus from “ME” on the inside to “THEM” on the outside…and I could only talk to THEM – OUT THERE. I found that some people’s crisis were still going on. Some just needed a pat on the back.  Some were just waiting on a clean pair of Big GIRL PANTIES and some were waiting for major reinforcements. I couldn’t contribute to anyone as long as all I saw was the inside of my own shell. So today, I outgrew my shell.

    My Father died 11 days ago. I FEARED feeling too much. I FEARED not feeling enough. I found out that what I felt was just right and that the only one keeping score…was me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Confidence is sexy….

    I’ve been brooding the past few days over a post that encouraged people to read my blog. Which should be good, right??  Blogs by nature are out there to be read by anyone with access to the internet and so when you expose your thoughts and views to the world you have hopes that others will be entertained, enlightened or find a kinship in your thoughts. However, there are those that will stumble upon you and target you for ridicule and use as a tool to make them feel better about themselves.

    So was the post this past week. A man in Tunisia, all the way around the world, posted the link for Diary of a Mad * FAT * WOMAN on his Facebook page with the comment, “Look at this fat lady trying to be sexy. hahaha. Check it out!“. Hmmmm. My first thought was WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU? that quickly gave way to me blocking him from the Facebook page of DOAMFW. Besides, I didn’t recall posting ANY picture of myself trying to look sexy so I’m not sure what this guy was making a fuss about. And I certainly wasn’t going to feed his ego and little man syndrome by allowing him to abuse me on my own site. BYE-BYE Mr. Tunisia!

    No, it’s not the first time, and no, I am not shocked. I have dealt with bullies all my life making crude comments about my weight. And I have endured the flip side of the coin and have had men write me about my blog saying how much they LOVED fat women. I am equally repulsed by both. Which has nothing to do with my being gay though men are the only ones swinging to  extremes on the love/hate meter.

    Diary of a MAD * FAT* WOMAN isn’t about being crazy or pissed off. Though I have certainly been both in my day. It’s about the ups and downs life hands out to us and how we handle it. It’s not about BEING FAT, it’s about being a CONFIDENT WOMAN at any size.

    I am overweight. NO DOUBT. And by today’s rules of extra thin perfection I shouldn’t EVER dare to be or feel sexy without being subject to public ridicule. And yet I KNOW what being sexy feels and looks like.

    I have felt sexy when a lover smiled at the sight of me regardless of what I was wearing or how long my day had been. I have felt sexy when they melted into me with a long, warm enveloping hug and they relaxed away their problems in that embrace. I saw sexy when their confidence soared because I gave them room to try new things without judgement. We were sexy together when we felt comfortable surrendering to each other without hesitation. That level of trust is the sexiest thing I have ever encountered. It wasn’t a size or shape, a color or class. It was the confidence in the connection we shared. That’s what sexy is to me.

    I feel compassion for the man in Tunisia who sought to bolster his own image with his friends by ridiculing the image he saw of me. His vision is so limited he might as well have been blind. He has probably passed by the most  incredible people  in his life because they didn’t meet his superficial standards. What a loss.  As we say in the South…Bless his heart.

    And bless your heart and my heart. SEXY has a way of finding you when you least expect it.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Snapshot…..

    Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

    SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

    I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

    The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    **Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen