Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Friends

  • Confidence is sexy….

    I’ve been brooding the past few days over a post that encouraged people to read my blog. Which should be good, right??  Blogs by nature are out there to be read by anyone with access to the internet and so when you expose your thoughts and views to the world you have hopes that others will be entertained, enlightened or find a kinship in your thoughts. However, there are those that will stumble upon you and target you for ridicule and use as a tool to make them feel better about themselves.

    So was the post this past week. A man in Tunisia, all the way around the world, posted the link for Diary of a Mad * FAT * WOMAN on his Facebook page with the comment, “Look at this fat lady trying to be sexy. hahaha. Check it out!“. Hmmmm. My first thought was WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU? that quickly gave way to me blocking him from the Facebook page of DOAMFW. Besides, I didn’t recall posting ANY picture of myself trying to look sexy so I’m not sure what this guy was making a fuss about. And I certainly wasn’t going to feed his ego and little man syndrome by allowing him to abuse me on my own site. BYE-BYE Mr. Tunisia!

    No, it’s not the first time, and no, I am not shocked. I have dealt with bullies all my life making crude comments about my weight. And I have endured the flip side of the coin and have had men write me about my blog saying how much they LOVED fat women. I am equally repulsed by both. Which has nothing to do with my being gay though men are the only ones swinging to  extremes on the love/hate meter.

    Diary of a MAD * FAT* WOMAN isn’t about being crazy or pissed off. Though I have certainly been both in my day. It’s about the ups and downs life hands out to us and how we handle it. It’s not about BEING FAT, it’s about being a CONFIDENT WOMAN at any size.

    I am overweight. NO DOUBT. And by today’s rules of extra thin perfection I shouldn’t EVER dare to be or feel sexy without being subject to public ridicule. And yet I KNOW what being sexy feels and looks like.

    I have felt sexy when a lover smiled at the sight of me regardless of what I was wearing or how long my day had been. I have felt sexy when they melted into me with a long, warm enveloping hug and they relaxed away their problems in that embrace. I saw sexy when their confidence soared because I gave them room to try new things without judgement. We were sexy together when we felt comfortable surrendering to each other without hesitation. That level of trust is the sexiest thing I have ever encountered. It wasn’t a size or shape, a color or class. It was the confidence in the connection we shared. That’s what sexy is to me.

    I feel compassion for the man in Tunisia who sought to bolster his own image with his friends by ridiculing the image he saw of me. His vision is so limited he might as well have been blind. He has probably passed by the most  incredible people  in his life because they didn’t meet his superficial standards. What a loss.  As we say in the South…Bless his heart.

    And bless your heart and my heart. SEXY has a way of finding you when you least expect it.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Snapshot…..

    Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

    SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

    I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

    The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    **Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Piano Bar Blues……

    Yes, Mrs. Lincoln, I have had a cocktail tonight and how did you enjoy the play? “Fine Mrs. Kennedy – how was the parade?

    Okay…I had WAY to much fun working tonight. Work turned into unexpected play which is the BEST kinda play to have. I am perched up on the 18th floor of a lake resort and have to go down to check on a promotional event for a bunch of meeting planners….I’m in entertainment you seeeeee……….The DJ is in place…we nosh a bit over the steak and lobster and have a cocktail or two and as the easliy impressed corporate executives file in to the bowling Wii tounament I make my get away to the piano bar with…THE BOYS.

    Nearly deserted, the bar is quiet…..”where’s the PIANO player for the PIANO bar” we ask….”taking a break” they tell us… great….we’ll have a cocktail. We settle into the posh couches and pull our feet up on the coffee tables after a long days work as if they were our own. I look at the other people behind us – trying to decern the familiar characteristics of a “Piano player”….searching…searchin…..g searching….BINGO….It’s the blind guy!!!!! The blind guy????

    The same blind guy I saw 32 years ago at a high school talent show?….My talent show at MY high school….WTF????  I saw a woman take his arm about to lead him to the piano and I stopped them and asked…Hadden right?? she answered for him ‘Yes” ….I replied…”Are you his mother?” ohhhhhhh bad question…”No , I am his wife but I get that alot”….oh snap…..I JUST killed the conversation….

    I asked Hadden if he remembered my name and he didn’t but it was okay – I sang with his brother who was three years older.

    We settled into our couches and he began to play..none of it in my key BTW….Mr. Bojangles, Rocky Mountain High and The Entertainer…. I sang under my breath and one of my boys said – sing a song…I said “It’s NOT in my key”….Hadden’s wife chimed in – “he can play in any key just start singing”…And so I did….one song and then another….and another… and another. Lyrics supplied to me by a friend on a I phone…we started taking requests and he played so well he even followed me on a few songs he never heard before….True talent….we scooped up an extra 60 bucks for the tip jar for the folks draw in by the sound and we called it a night.

    I was down tonight when I got here…but music lifted me right up out of my skin. We’re gonna do it again tomorrow night..since I’m here all weekend. Why not!

    Music is a universal language…once you learn it , It rarely goes away. It cured what ailed me….tomorrow will be icing on the cake.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Blue days…..

    Blue days have a way of sneaking up on me. I guess I looked as pitiful as a kitten who couldn’t go out to play yesterday afternoon. The A/C was out when I got home and the maintenance worker dropped by to check it out. He has been to my unit several times before since I moved in last December and he is sweet as he can be and no bigger than a minute. Lucky for him there isn’t a maintenance man chart that says , “Must be this tall to be a repair man”, or he would have been in some serious trouble. We exchanged the normal niceties and he went about his chores. He changed the filter and added freon and soon I was good to go.

    He climbed down from his ladder and stood there wiping his hands on his rag. He stashed the rumpled fabric  in his hip pocket, lifted the ladder and started to go but hesitated, set down the ladder  and asked me very politely if not in perfect English, “Ma’am, do you mind I tell you something?”…I thought he was going to tell me how to program the damn computerized thermostat or how to save on my electric bill. Instead he looked me straight in the eye and said in the most loving voice.

    “Ma’am, I always like seeing you in the hallways  and always love come to your unit. When I walk in, is refreshing with clean smells, energy  and happiness. Today, I think you are no happy. I come in the door and I don’t feel your smile. Please, take time and put you beautiful smile back on, for me, please. So beautiful you’re smile. Makes everyone happy to see.”

    Wow, a repair man AND a therapist. Talk about amenities! Do I know where to live or what?

    In less than 24 hours of coming home from a great weekend I had slid right into a BLUE DAY.

    I am forced to face yet another round of doctor appointments for a heart that just can’t seem to find a beat. At least, not a regular one anyway. I’ve put it off for weeks busy riding the wave of life! But the wave crashed the shores and I have run out of excuses to ignore it any longer. The worse side effects of an abnormal heart beat are the water retention and the over whelming feeling of being just too damn tired to move. So I laid on the couch and thought about what my little man had to say.

    He didn’t “feel my smile” last night cause I just couldn’t find one. It had left the building. Getting it back, I realize, is just a choice away. A decision to change how I feel inside and out. To be thankful for what I have. I have more than some and less than many but always plenty to share. To love the people who love me and bless those that don’t and yes, there are actually a few out there. To appreciate the moments and live in the now cause yesterday is just a memory that will fade with time.  For every day is a gift…Some days you need a bow, shiny paper and even some curly ribbons  to wrap it up and make it look pretty….but it is a gift none the less.

    I love each and every one of you. If you weren’t in my life there would be no life worth having.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • From here to there and back again…..

    Footloose and fancy free…that is me! It seems I just can’t enough of you guys! I can cram more living into one weekend than a nun on a “hall pass”!

    Thanks go out to everyone who cheered me on at the Auditions for The Biggest Loser in Austin, Texas this weekend. I was so busy laughing all day I barely snapped a photo. Here it is in a nut shell. Imagine 600 overweight people lined up around a building in 100+ degree heat….We were sitting stuffed ducks on the water. Marketers from Medi-fast and Quick Weight Loss Centers weaved in and out of the crowd passing out promo laden water bottles and taking surveys. The best though was the taco truck that just kept circle the block like a shark on a seal colony. He smelled blood in the water and wasn’t leaving till he had emptied his truck! He had probably watched the morning news and heard the sound bite: Biggest Loser contestants will be lining up at the Lone Star Center.….he started seeing big, fat, juicy dollar signs $$$$$$$  and was out the door before he could even get his boxers on.

    8 hours in line led to a 5 minute interview with one casting assistant and 9 other contestants. We were asked as a group and answered down the line…name, age and occupation….then “how much do you want to lose?”….every one answered and we moved on to how many watch the show and have you entered before….finally she asks where is the best place to eat in Austin???? Thank you very much everyone – we’ll be calling you if you made call backs! It reminded me of the hand shake you get at the end of a dull date instead of a kiss….”I’ll call you”……….Sure!

    I had shown them the most I could in the shortest amount of time possible. My composite photo attached to my application showed more than anything, in fact it showed everything; community involvement, out-going, daring, social and cute as a button!!!

    But alas, we did not leave there with a lot of hope.  Gayle and I opted for Margarita’s at Chuy’s  instead of sitting by the phone and pining the evening away waiting on a call back.  My sweet friend Lisa joined us and I followed her home to Dripping Springs like a little lost puppy. I have dubbed her home, Club Venturini! The Italian egg breakfast was FAB-U-LOUS…..eat your heart out BIGGEST LOSER!

    Sunday meant time to hit the road. I needed to make it to “CHURCH” at Lake Conroe for the early evening services with the girls…and it was 4 hours away! My lil zoom-zoom car carried me along the Texas highways just fine…..The radio was blaring hits from the 80’s and I sang away, windows down and my hair whipping around me like crazy. I giggled at myself more than once cause I was having so much fun. I was footloose and fancy free….subject to my own whims and led by my own desires. Life is good and it will only get better.

    I AM the BIGGEST WINNER. The weight I have lost this last year has been mental. I’ve worked hard to release the past and let go of the hurt and the anger that came with it. It’s something I still work on everyday. But I just keep telling myself. Everyday is a gift! Live each one like it’s your last and you would be amazed how incredible your life becomes.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Life in a box…..

    I never realized how many people live “inside the box”, sheltered and protected from life’s judgements,  till I started asking questions. And all I asked for was their STATS. You know….Hair color, eye color, height and weight….

    In response to yesterday’s post I received stats on only 8  people out of 109 readers. They all answered the first three stats.  Only 6 posted where everyone could see….2 people sent me a private email. BUT of those, not everyone filled in weight. There were however some very creative responses.

    Weight: Enough

    Weight: More than enough

    And the winner is        Weight: A Hundred and Plenty.

    For those few that OWNED it – YOU ROCK!

    You would think that people would be more open these days. They post everything about their lives on Facebook and I do mean EVERYTHING. Everyone wants you to “Copy and re-post” their latest causes. There are major debates about politics and religion….which I can remember all my days being told in the South you NEVER discuss politics or religion in mixed company. Course, I never was real clear if  “mixed Company” meant Republicans & Democrats or men & women….Still don’t know…ha! and don’t care so much.

    If you think people divulge too much info on FB then check an on-line dating site.There are bra sizes 36 B or 42DD and “supposed” male endowments…but ask them how much they weigh and they run screaming from the chat room like a little girl. Makes me giggle!

    I’m not sure what they think they are hiding…I can spot a size 18 or a 48 regular a hell of a lot quicker than I can tell their eyes are blue. IT’S JUST A NUMBER FOLKS!!!  IT DOESN’T DEFINE YOU!

    So, not only did I POST my stats yesterday. 296 lbs if you missed it. I took it a bit further…How? Hmmmmmmm. Where would over a million people be able to see my numbers every week? Every bump and every bulge EXPOSED?

    You got it! I applied on-line to Americas Biggest Loser today and I am going to take my big blues eyes to Austin, Texas on Saturday to meet with the Casting Team. Doesn’t matter if I get cast or not. It just matters that I am choosing to live OUTSIDE THE BOX. Better yet…I’m choosing to live.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • Weightless moments…..

    I empty my mind and wait for the feeling of weightlessness to wash over me. Movement becomes more fluid. Breathing becomes less necessary, butterflies bounce around my stomach and time stands still. It feels like it will never end.

    Memories of weightlessness flood my mind.

    I remember when I was a little girl  how I loved the swing sets. The drive and determination to swing higher and higher possessed me. What joy awaited you in that perfect moment when you were as high as high could go and just before falling back to earth….you were weightless. Hanging in the moment in time and space.

    When I was a teenager I had pneumonia and had been home in bed for several days. After a whole evening racked with a cough I fell asleep. That evening, I became aware of an incredible sensation. I was floating above my bed and had the presence of mind to assess my situation. I ran thru a mental checklist. Yes, I was still in my bedroom. No, I no longer felt pain or fatigue. I was neither hot nor cold and I found it amusing that I no longer needed to breathe. I felt a smile in my heart and it crept across my face. I was most content with my new found situation. Summoned by the silence, my mother came to my room and immediately called for my father. I remembered thinking…”No, Go Away – I’m fine”, but I suddenly felt like I had been grabbed and thrown to the floor. A rush of air filled my lungs and the pain was so intense I was certain my lungs would burst. I was home. I was awake. I was weightless no more.

    The sensation eluded me up until 4 days before my 22nd birthday. It was New Years Eve and we had been blessed with the vacant yet well stocked home of a friend’s “out of town” parents. We were told to make ourselves at home. Which we promptly did. My best friend and I were there with guys that were friends from high school that we each had some sizable interest in. After all…it was New Years Eve. We played with Oreo the house dog and drank from the wet bar all night. I’m sure we danced and joked for hours but you see I don’t remember it that much. At the stroke of midnight my best friend grabbed my hand and pulled me close to her and kissed me..long and hard.  I had never been kissed by a girl before. I couldn’t feel the floor. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to lift me right off my feet. Time stood still and the noise of the midnight revelry gave way to silence. I thought to myself how amazingly soft her lips were. How sweet her breath. i could stay there forever in that embrace. In the moment of that kiss I discovered who I was. And I was weightless and finally free.

    There are more weightless moments to come in my life.  Moments that will suspend me in time and lift my feet off the floor. Life is a ride. Won’t you ride it with me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

  • LOVE doesn’t know the difference…..

    My note from the UNIVERSE arrived this morning by email as it does every morning. Isn’t it just great the things you can sign up for on the internet, coupons, airline notices and NOTES from the UNIVERSE? It said,  ” Some, Juliana, are better loved from afar. For a while, anyway and that’s okay. Besides, Juliana, LOVE doesn’t really know the difference“.

    I realized this afternoon that I had shared that same sentiment three times through the course of my day.

    8:45am. I pulled over my little zoom-zoom car and rolled down my window and stopped to chat with a friend on my way to work. She in turn took the time to share with me that she has had to make the painful decision to severe her relationship with her grown son. His addiction, poor choices and the general chaos that surrounds him are too much to handle and in fact threaten her livelihood and her ability to care for herself. It just seemed she needed to hear she had done the right thing.  I shared with her my note from the Universe, “Some are better loved from afar”.

    It is a common misconception that if you “Love” someone you will do anything for them. Co-dependent people and addicts know the saying very well and brandish it about like a sharp edged sword to get your attention. Psssst…It’s called MANIPULATION…. Just saying.

    There are times when the most loving thing you can do however is NOTHING…but love from afar. That means you don’t pay for their cell phone. You don’t give them a car so they can get to the job they never seem to have. You can’t pay their rent or do their laundry.  Realize, that if their choices continue to lead them down a self-destructive path ,then that is the path they have chosen. Love them enough to let them learn the life lessons they have mapped out for themselves. There is a reason for it.

    12:30pm and I chat with one of my best girlfriends who has been doing the commitment dance with her favorite man “Blue eyes” for years now. He has broken her heart more times than I can count. But only because she keeps serving it up on a decorative platter complete with garnish, country gravy and a sharp steak knife. There is NO commitment, NO regular progression in the relationship, NO foundation so it ends….again. But he always comes around every 3 or 4 months with a wink and a smile and she is always waiting. She claims she loves him….but it is killing her and trapping her in a time warp worse than any Twilight Zone rerun. My advise has always been, “Listen and he will tell you the truth.”  She whines like a broken record . He says he is BROKEN and can’t give himself to a relationship” Well, baby girl, wake up and smell the tar bubbling on the rooftop….eeewww that is a nasty smell. And  THAT is his TRUTH.  He clings to it like a security blanket and you can’t rip it away from him. He doesn’t want a relationship – he lives to sit in his sandbox and play by himself.

    Why is it, we think, if we just love someone more, love that person harder, devote our time and attention and sacrifice more than any other person before us that they will just wake up one day and have this grand epiphany and decide “HEY, I COULD OF HAD A V8 AND  A GIRLFRIEND!” . Love doesn’t work that way. Believe me, I’ve tried. Take the ROMANCE NOVEL out of the equation and LOVE that person unconditionally and you will release them to walk the path they have chosen and in turn release yourself to find the partner that fits your needs.  Some people, my chicka, are better LOVED  from afar.

    2:37pm I sat  in the front showroom at work to watch the much welcomed rain on my break. The office is quiet. A group had just left to go see our co-worker & friend, Randy ,who lays in a coma at home, family by his side. He is in the end stages of cancer and  passing from this earth. It won’t be long Doctor’s say. 2 days or 10, no telling. Darryl, his long time friend, stood at the reception counter staring into the front parking lot.   “I couldn’t go”.  He said….”I can’t see him like this…it’s not how I want to remember him.”

    For the third time today I shared my morning message from the Universe. “It’s okay…. LOVE doesn’t know the difference” It doesn’t know the distance…..how near or how far. It doesn’t keep time or come in measured allotments. LOVE simply IS.  Randy will know in his spirit that Darryl loved him whether he stands beside his bed and holds his hand or beside images of Randy’s best work rotating on a slide show on the wall mounted flat screen.

    LOVE is something you give, freely and without conditions. It doesn’t require shipping and handling, a box or a bow. You don’t have to sign for it or send it certified mail. Sometimes it comes back  “Return to Sender” and other times it’s like an underwear chain letter and you get more pairs back in the mail in more sizes and colors than you could ever imagine.

    Sometimes a post card find you years after it was mailed. The NO became a YES and you realize that you were LOVED from afar.

    In the infamous good words of LAW ,

    ” I don’t love you cause I need you.  I need you, because I love you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Knock…Knock…..

    Whose there….

    Me….

    Me who???

    I’m not sure. I was hoping you could tell me….

    Tell you what?

    Who I am….

    Are you lost??

    I don’t think so…

    So why did you knock on my door?

    I’m not sure…It seemed like the right thing to do…

    Do you need something? Are you hurt or hungry?

    No. I’m think I’m just waiting….

    Waiting?  Waiting for what?

    Not sure…I think I’ll know it when I see it.

    Should I call the Police?

    Why? Are you afraid?

    NO! Well, yes…maybe a little. I mean you’re here and I don’t know where you’re from or who you are, what you want or who even sent you….

    Sometimes we over analyze and are so busy questioning our lives that we miss the guidance that comes our way. We are frozen by the lack of FAITH and live behind the door safely shut away from the world.  When OPPORTUNITY knocks….it rarely has time to explain how it got there. Be a good neighbor and open the door.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Life of the party…..

    What can I say…the weekend had a bit of a rough start on Friday talking to Doctors and looking at scans and going over the practical “Business” of end care.  Aghhh, but it ended with a bang up time with a whole lot of friends I knew a long time ago. A time when life was filled with yellow buses and school supplies, pranks, pep rallies and prom. I thank God I went cause I was soooooo tempted to SKIP IT like a Health Class.

    I know, I know…I was preaching a hard-line the last few weeks telling people to “suck it up” and “get over their phobias” and ‘”just go have fun”. But I must admit, when I turned the car down the driveway that evening my stomach twisted and turned.  I looked at LAW and said…”I’d be okay staying home if you are”….but she grabbed my hand and squeezed as she often does and I knew I’d be okay.

    Class reunions are a  right of passage for all of us I think. A time to put old demons to rest and realize we were all just doing the best we could to survive the human experience called “childhood”. We chatted, posed for pics, shared a drink and had a laugh or two. We eased into the evening and the people we had become.

    Reunions aren’t so much for reliving the past as they are for processing our future. It’s a pit stop of sorts…  There’s a crew there that knows you and what makes you tick. One wipes away the grime from your windshield so you can see the road ahead. Others outfit you with a new set of tires to keep your grip on the road and someone else top’s off your tank to take you round the track a few more times.

    I’m putting the petal to the metal and keeping my eye on the road ahead knowing I have the best pit crew ever assembled. It’s called Tiger Pride and we are all the LIFE OF THE PARTY in this experience called LIFE.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana