Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: excercise

  • 8 Seconds

    listenI have always been taught that PRAYER is talking to GOD, MEDITATION is listening for an answer. But I would hedge a bet that not many people spend much time “listening”.A bull rider not only has to stay on the bull 8 seconds he has to focus on his style to score the points needed to be in the money. He must put everything he has, body and soul into that seemingly brief amount of time. On a rank bull, waiting on the buzzer to sound can seem like an eternity. So isn’t it nice that to Meditate all you have to do is clear your mind completely…and listen.Just be open to what the Universe has to tell you.

    Try it…..Right now. Close your eyes. Breath in …..and breath out and sit in silence for 8 seconds….Go ahead…I’ll wait….Okay. I made it four seconds before the Target Logo popped into my mind and I thought “Dang, I need to go to  Target after work.”

    Now….Start over. Breath in….. Breath out….clear your mind……..ughhhh I started counting the seconds in my head and suddenly found myself counting sheep instead.. Dang!….Wanna try again?….Breath in…..Breath out……

    How did you do? If you got it – Great you are on your way to LISTENING. If not keep practicing. Learn to extend your time from not just seconds but minutes. Soon you will find that listening is a calming way to center yourself for the day.

    The answers you seek will flood into your mind.

    Cowboy up!

    Juliana

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • What’s for dinner?

    Hello Universe. What’s for dinner? Hmmmmm. Guess I have gotten into a rut of always eating and doing the same thing every week. It’s a routine and I know it well. It didn’t dawn on me to change it …much. I mean, I know when I cruise the aisles at Kroger I should make healthier choices. After all, the last time I took my measurements my body shape was neither apple nor pear shaped. Nope – my shape more resembled a triple dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen.Girl just throw some candied sprinkles on me and call me DELICIOUS!

    Some days it is just hard to move my body.EVERYTHING hurts! Reason says I should go downstairs and get on the fancy dancy treadmill in the work out room but it just seems boring, NO bells, NO whistles.  Besides…when do I ever listen to reason. And who the hell is she anyway!Why can’t they make a slot machine/treadmill combo. Now THAT I could go for. Cha CHING!!!!

    Mid life has gotten stale and that is my fault. So it dawned on me to try something NEW. Time to broaden my horizon past the NCIS marathon every evening.

    I bought a Beginning YOGA DVD and the most obnoxiously bright pink Yoga matt I could find. I was determined to end my Sunday night stretching, breathing and breaking my body, mind and spirit into some new and untried ground.

    I put on comfortable clothes that would let me move. I relocated the coffee table and inserted the DVD and rolled out my new hot pink matt…I was ready!

    Then nothing…damn thing wouldn’t play. The cable man had not hooked up the DVD player and try as I may I could NOT get the thing to work. I huffed and puffed and moved the TV around. I fiddled and faddled all to no avail.The YOGA work out was supposed to be a 20 minute relaxing and exhilerating experience…instead I had a thirty minute workout man handling electronics. And you know what – I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel better!

    So my plan may not have worked the way I had intended and yes – Carlos will be coming over to hook up the electronics properly sometime this week. But I think I’m gonna like this new BIG GIRL YOGA!

    Think outside the box – Try something new this week!!!

  • Baggage…Luis Vuitton or Samsonite

    Baggage: suitcases, bags, and other items are for carrying personal belongings during a journey. Well, that sums it up nicely doesn’t it?

    We have been taught to expect, especially if you are middle-aged like me, that almost all people will have accumulated “BAGGAGE” along their journey in life.We spend years lugging these bags around with us from place to place and relationship to relationship.We rarely look inside cause we know what is in there. It’s all the negative experiences in our lives…no not actually the experiences…it’s filled with all our REACTIONS to the negative experiences we have endured on our journey.

    We clutch these bags as if they are filled with precious trophys and commendations. If someone really wants to get to know us we say they have to take us AND our baggage.We use these bags as an excuse  and point at them as an example outside ourselves for why we can’t trust others easily, why we fear success, intimacy or commitment.  Why would you want to bring something so negative from yesterday into your life TODAY?

    My baggage is filled with injustices. But the biggest bag I personally carry is fear. All the insecurity, rejection, broken hearts and violated trust all boil down to one bag that weighs me down and incurs additional fees everywhere I travel.

    I don’t like this bag or all the rest that completes the set. Yes, I have them all, the makeup bag, the overnight bag, the Weekender and then BIG DADDY.  I am so tired of moving them from one place to another.

    So what to do? The simplest way mentally seems the hardest. But it can be done. Walk away.

    Unattended baggage has a home – and it’s not with you.

    Once you can understand that all the things you have been holding onto and shoving in those bags were just excuses to keep you from living the free-flowing life you were meant to lead, You will see there is an easier way to travel. Don’t let excuses shield you from opportunity and advancement in  life. You are free to live a life filled with love,trust and untold joys.THAT is your destiny. Travel light. Only take with you what you need for today. Leave the past behind you and capture each new day as an opportunity to live in a new energy. If you don’t like your life…only you can change it.

    You can be left behind struggling with your bags, worn out, exasperated and sore or you can travel light and see the world. Today I choose the world!

  • Believe

    I started this diary last year on my 47th birthday. Tomorrow marks the passing cycle of another 365 days.

    And what have I learned in this time?

    I’ve learned that when you dwell in fear you will lose what you were AFRAID of losing. The things that you were afraid might happen, happen. And the opportunities you were afraid would never come your way, never do.

    The flip side of the coin? When you have Faith, when you BELIEVE beyond a shadow of a doubt – you can move mountains.

    Now, I am certainly not interested in changing the topography of the world. But I am interested in changing MY world.

    My world starts with me. Over the next 365 days I will put my Faith in my abilities and talents to be a better and clearer expression of who I am. I will listen to that inner voice that says you are loved and you are beautiful in every way.

    And I will BELIEVE; in Family and Friendship, Hope, Charity and Love, Honesty, Freedom and Music. I Believe in ELVIS and I BELIEVE in ME.

    I believe in you too.

    God Bless

    Juliana

  • Happy New Year

    The commercials have already started this morning…LOSE WEIGHT NOW! SAY GOOD BYE TO THOSE HOLIDAY POUNDS! JOIN TODAY!!!

    Well, I can’t blame it on the holidays. I can’t BLAME it on anyone but myself. As far back as I can remember I have been presented with and  held on to feelings of rejection, unworthiness and isolation. I always felt that I lived on the outside looking in. For every embarrassment and for every ounce of shame, I put a pound of flesh in my pocket.

    Psychologist have written thousands of books on how the obese insulate and protect themselves with their weight. In reality…because we chose to hang on to the hurt and not see the lesson – we build up…not a wall to keep others out, that is a farce. We build ourselves into larger targets! We beg the universe to hit us again and again. Ask…and it shall be given. That is the law. I had no clue I knew how to use it so well and so simply.

    So the lessons kept coming for 48 yrs. In 2010 I experienced what I hope is my last rejection.  My last step backwards with my health. My last failed love affair. My last imposed self isolation.

    I release my “pound of flesh” for every embarrassment I have felt. A pound for each ounce of shame. I release each cell in my body that is not necessary to it’s positive function. I no longer see the need to be a target. I am a Child of God. Spirit within knows what I should look like and my body will adjust to this new consciousness.

    In reality I am all that I chose to be;  an Artist, Actress, Singer, Writer, Explorer, Gambler, Chef, Friend, Daughter, Niece, a shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime.  I am many things to many people. I am that I AM.

    Happy New Year

    And may 2011 be your best year ever. I know it will be mine.