Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: excercise

  • Patience Grasshopper…..

    Patience Grasshopper….ugh…I’m trying, I’m trying…okay, honestly?Some days, I’m tired of trying. Some days I just want to let loose and spew a vile and nasty string of words at the world just to get it off my chest. I wanna get mad and throw things and hear glass shatter. I wanna scream so loud they can hear me in the next county. I want small children to tremble in my presence….okay, maybe not that extreme but you see where I am going here.

    When you try to walk a path of unconditional love it seems like, when you least expect it, someone shots an RPG (for those that don’t watch NCIS that is a rocket propelled granade) right at your ass. While your busy holding the door open and saying “have a nice day” and “may peace be with you” there is someone stepping on your toes as they scurry past with not so  much as an “Excuse me” or “Pardon me”.

    People suck…. , maybe not all people but some really do. At least a few do.

    Aghhhhhh but Grasshopper : ” To be able under ALL circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness”….says Confucius.

    Okay…people don’t suck. They just walk different paths. I know. I know.  Every encounter is a lesson no matter how big or small. Well then some lessons SUCK!!!!!   There, I said it. I feel better now. Can’t you tell? Don’t you see the smile on the grasshoppers face!

    Here is a bigger version. Courtesy of  http://www.elizabethcrocker.com and http://www.thewayiseeitthroughmylens.blogspot.com

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • All through the night….

    The night was clear and there seemed to be a thousand stars in the sky. The amber-colored lights of the city flickered at a steady pace below us. I was comfortable, relaxed. There was a soft glow of light from the dashboard radio as we sat in an old red Land Shark listening to Smokey Robinson. Great car that 59 Cadillac Convertible with its white leather bucket seats and stylish fins flying off the back. You were sitting there just being gorgeous in your own skin. Your smile so broad it belonged on a toothpaste commercial. Your eyes as soft as your touch. There I sat just waiting for your kiss…………..BING! BING! BING!…….BING! BING! BING!…….DAMN IT BLACKBERRY!!!! I was sleeping! And dreaming….oooooh, maybe if I shut my eyes really quickly I can pick up where I left off.

    Eyes shut tight, deep breath,  exhale…..wait…..wait….waittttt…..nothing!

    Nothing pisses me off more than having a brilliantly vibrant dream squashed by ……MORNING….Business…..E-Mails…..Texts……WORK! Just when it was getting really good just like in the movies….BWAUHHHH!!! 😦

    What was so important? Catherine’s is having a 40% off sale on Maggie Barnes Tops and Bottoms this weekend only! One Spirit Book Club has FREE shipping and one of the girls wants an impromptu rehearsal at her apartment tonight. All before 7:30 am. Then I notice my Danceswithfat blog has come in as well. I refuse to get up yet so I read it in bed. Boy did that wake me up.

    Apparently Rick Chandler a sports writer for a MAJOR news agency wrote a tasteless blog about Kelly Gneiting. The 430 lb former sumo wrestler who ran and COMPLETED the LA MARATHON. Regan (From danceswithfat) didn’t want to comment on his blog site but aired her disdain on her own blog. But I damn sure wrote on his comment board. His blog is below and so is my comment.

    Kelly Gneiting hauls his 430 pounds to LA Marathon finish line

    Rick Chandler

    Mar 21, 2011, 7:18 PM EDT

    “Kelly Gneiting, a 430-pound sumo wrestler and longhaul truck driver, entered the Guinness Book of World Records on Sunday as the heaviest person to ever finish a marathon, finishing the Los Angeles Marathon in 11 hours, 52 minutes, and 11 seconds. Impressive, I suppose. But you may scratch your head when you read the following quote:

    After jogging the first 8 miles, he walked the final 18. According to Fox Sports he claims he was delirious from mile 10 onward.

    What fun!

    But taking half a day to finish a marathon, and walking the great majority of it, is not really a sports accomplishment, is it? It’s just kind of a long walk to the store. The bigger accomplishment would be losing 200 pounds and then running the marathon. But there I go being cynical again. Actually, since Gneiting is the size of two people, you could say that each of him finished in 5 hours, 26 minutes, 5 seconds. That sounds better.”

    RICK

    I am, well, just sick over your comments. Had this ATHLETE been in a wheel chair , or 90 yrs old or on fake legs, deaf and blind you would have applauded his heroism, his drive and determination. His dedication to take on more than he was thought capable of would have made the evening news. I always have said the only two people who ever get recognition at a marathon or the winner and the guy who takes the longest to hit the finish line.

    This IS a sports accomplishment. Better yet it is a HUMAN accomplishment. I think he fucking ROCKS for daring to put himself out there. He has allot bigger balls  (no pun intended) then most the men I know regardless of their size.

    When will modern-day media get off the FAT WAGON and start seeing people for WHO they are.

    The “BIGGER ACCOMPLISHMENT” is not to lose weight first and then live your life. It is to take the first step to living your life OUTLOUD and being happy.

    A man born without a right leg won the NCAA wrestling championship. Did anybody write an article about how HE should have stayed on the couch? NO – he was applauded for his efforts and achievements.

    Try riding the HUMANITY TRAIN  Rick…It’s a much smoother ride!

    Well – That got my blood to boiling enough to get my ass out of bed. Just remember  – If you can dream it – you can live it! My “parking” days are far from over!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • PLAY BALL!!!!

    Have you noticed? The days are getting longer. The sun is shining down on us and the weather is getting warmer by the day. The grass is greener and my car is dusted in a light coating of fresh yellow gunk every day. I feel something strange creeping up on me day by day. My stomach is just a TAD queezy. Hmmm. I wonder what it could be? Spring Fever you ask? NO…well, ya – but NO…something else. Maybe love is in the air – Hardly!  Hay fever? No! Flu? – nope, already had that. How about the opening of Little League Baseball?…. yep, that’s it. DON’T LAUGH!!! I am dead serious here. It is way worse than you could ever imagine. 

    You see, I volunteered to do what most professional, experienced singers in their right mind, would NEVER do. I agreed to sing the National Anthem on Saturday for the Katy National Little League Opening day. Wait…..it gets better. I have to sing this nightmare of a song at 9:00am IN THE MORNING!!!!…..Lord, Jesus, help me…..I know not what I have done to myself!!!! I can’t decide between doing a shot of tequila or stepping in front of a moving beer truck before I sing. I mean, which is the appropriate choice? Liquor or shock and agh!!! Lord knows I don’t want to scare the children by coming out and singing the national anthem from the depths of my toenails so I have to do something to shock my system into responding to the “Call” at 9:00 in the morning? I don’t want to end up a YOUTUBE sensation this way? Listen mamma – that big lady sounds just like Uncle Charlie! So – I gotta get a plan together. I can do it. I can see it! There is a light at the end of the tunnel and It’s mine! After the anthem, I get to be the Master of Ceremonies and emcee the parade and annouce every team from T-ball to Varsity. Yeah …..okay – so I’ll have fun. I mean – how many times in life do you get to MC a PARADE??? I know! Right?

    Mercy, the things we do for our friends sometimes. But that is why they are friends. They know they can count on us even when they know we would much rather  be snuggled in bed and sleeping late on a Saturday morning. You gotta play to win. And winning in life means participating. So I am in. Making each day be the fullest and best it can be. After my Baseball Breakfast morning I am off to the Theatre downtown for tech rehearsal and then curtain up on “Dim Sum and Then Some…a Foriegn Affair”…Top the night off with after show dinner with friends then this rubenesque diva will have earned the right to snuggle my pillow one more night!

    Sieze the day!!!

    I love each and every one of you. And on Saturday I’ll be loving Jeff just a tad more.

    Juliana

  • I Hear ya Loud and Clear

    I am human….now, what the hell. What does that mean?

    Does it mean I am a person? An emotional being? A conscious participant in life? HUMAN…it is such an ambiguous term.

    Take for instance, if you heard over a loud speaker in a hospital Emergency Room….HUMAN in exam room 24″ …Well, it tells you someone came in and they are sick. No details though – you don’t know if they are male or female, young or old, or even how sick.  All makes sense to the doctors, right? They are sick – go see them. And if you are the patient in exam room 24 you’re thinking,” Thank God! I’m in exam room 24, help is on the way. I’m NEXT, I’M NEXT, I’M NEXT!!!!”

    What if you heard instead  – over the load speaker ” Morbidly Obese, Female, 48 with CHF and history of PE in respiratory distress room 24″. OUCH! Really? That is something you feel the need to announce over to the whole, entire ER? It felt like they were putting out an alarm. Warning! Warning! Fat Lady in 24~repeat FAT lady in 24″. I already felt like crap so it was just piling insult on top of injury at that point. It made me uncomfortable. And to deflect attention from my size I engaged the health professionals as little as possible and instead focused on texting and reaching outside the ER for some sort of comfort or validation that I was indeed a person, a friend, a daughter, an employee, a girlfriend. Anything I could be BEFORE being MORBIDLY OBESE. Nothing chased away the thought. As fate would have it, I would be placed in isolation and have three days to chew on this thought and how it made me feel. THAT is what humans do. We FEEL things and then we try to figure out WHY we feel them.

    What I came up with is: I don’t want my life to be defined by my size. I don’t want my size to be what everyone notices first. And yet it is. I’m that “big girl” everywhere I go.

    I looked up the morbid obesity chart and I would have to lose 82 lbs to just be considered OBESE and drop the “Morbidly” intro.  Can I do it? You bet your sweet ass I can. A few years back, I didn’t think I could do a lot of things on my own and I have proved myself wrong. I am out in front of the crowd and I am standing tall. I am stronger than I have ever been in body, mind and spirit. I don’t NEED what I thought I needed. I have walked through fire and come out on the other side. I am reborn and take flight like the Phoenix from the ash. To do that I had to LOVE MYSELF where others could not.I had to express that love in new ways that I had never experienced before. I had to forgive my inner self and embrace that chubster in a hug like no one else had ever felt. And I did.

    I realize now that life is a symphony and the people in our lives the notes on the page. Sometimes you experience the full orchestra and sometimes just the simple , tight melodic tone of a horn solo echoing over the masses. Each instrument plays an intricate part in the overall concert and evokes a different emotion. Life is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Being HUMAN can be beautiful if you start with loving yourself.

    Love yourself TODAY no matter what your size, shape or condition. Hearing myself referred to as MORBIDLY OBESE was just a reminder that was NOT who I wanted to be.

    As you love yourself, so shall you become more beautiful to behold.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • GOOOOD MORNING AMERICA!

    The older I get the quicker Monday mornings seem to be able to sneak up on me. And for all my years of experience I have yet to master the art of getting all my mascara off after a night out on the town. Just when I’m stretching and thinking wow…I feel pretty good this morning. I raise my head and glance into the bathroom mirror with a mouth full of Colgate and I am amazed to see just how far that little bit of left over mascara can run down my face. I look like an Alabama reject from RuPaul’s Drag Race. Oh My Mercy!

    I bust out the cleanser, then the cell repair, the moisturizer and the toner. Late night info-mercials whirl through my mind with visions of age spots, wrinkles, dry skin and crows feet. Then ….WHAT A MINUTE!!!!!  Why am I  worried about all that crap….I already HAVE age spots, wrinkles and crows feet. I earned every last “imperfection”over the last 48 years. They are a road map of experience and character. When all is said and done I realize my moment of panic would have been served just as well with some soap and water and a cup of f’ing coffee. Mmmmmm coffee…..smell that heavenly bean!

    Excuse me while I have a private moment with my Nantucket Blend. Then off to the gym and then to work.

    Good Morning America, It’s MONDAY!!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The colors of the rainbow…

    I awoke this morning just sure I must be having a heart attack…again. I hadn’t even moved and my chest hurt like a BITCH! I ran through a mental check list: No difficulty breathing, not clammy or sweaty. No headache…hmmmm. Then I moved and realized the rest of my body felt the same way. I had to giggle a little. You see YESTERDAY I got adventuresome and checked out ALL the workout equipment in the gym. I was even feeling pretty spry and proud of myself for going through all of them. Today however I swear to God even my nipples hurt.And I know the only way it’s gonna get better is to go back and do it all again. What have I gotten myself into?

    So I get up and turn on the tube while I get myself together and Joel Olsteen is on delivering his Sunday morning message. He’s saying all the right things: Don’t judge people by their differences. Look at people as individuals. God made the blacks, whites, Hispanics and Orientals. He made rich men and poor, Democrats and Republicans. Some people are Aggies and some are Longhorns. No one asked to be born a certain color,class or religion God decided that. All in all, we are all God’s children and if God made us then who are you to judge. Prejudice comes from the word Judge. You are judging someone for being different from the way you are.

    Thank you Joel Olsteen. Now if only you could truly embrace and practice what you preach. Gay people are God’s children too. They were born that way. Just as others are black or white, blue-eyed or brown. Shame on you for not embracing the gays in your own mega church and shame on your brother-in-law in Arlington who canceled a memorial service for a Navy veteran 24 hours before it was to start because the deceased was gay.

    Officials at the nondenominational High Point Church knew that Cecil Howard Sinclair was gay when they offered to host his service, said his sister, Kathleen Wright. But after his obituary listed his life partner as one of his survivors, she said, it was called off.

    Simons ( The preacher)  said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would
    have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there.

    Did I mention that Cecil was a janitor at the mega church? A member of their own “CHURCH FAMILY” turned away 24 hours before his memorial. Where is the love? Where is the compassion and respect? It’s Prejudice. It’s judgment. It’s down right ugly.

    You are right Joel. God made us all in his image. What a beautiful thing. What an incredible rainbow in the world people are. ALL of us. Each and every one of us. Gay, Straight, Aggie or Longhorn….We all play on the same team.

    You may ask yourself. Who is this MAD FAT WOMAN, who is Juliana Wathen? I’ll tell you who I am. I am brilliant, gorgeous, funny and talented. I am a beacon of light that chases away the darkness. I am a cheerleader. I AM THAT I AM… .I am a Child of GOD…. Aren’t YOU?

  • Fat Bottomed Girls….

    I treated myself to a morning…and I do mean the whole, entire morning…sleeping in. Aghhh my God it was a religious experience! But all good things must come to an end. The phone rang and I was up. Coffee and bagel and two cooking shows later I decided to head to the gym to check out the other mysterious equipment surrounding my favorite treadmill.

    There are a bevy of machines all designed to inflict torture…I mean, exercise various strategic portions of the human body. All are adjustable to your height and capabilities and relatively easy to use and effective. I put myself through the paces. I pushed and pulled on all the appropriate handles and pads and was feeling a little cocky….It was even…forgive me….FUN! Then, I decided to try out the stationary bicycle. It was cool looking with its screen, buttons and gears. You would think the bike to be a rather relaxing, non intimidating apparatus.It has a TV monitor and various simulated “trails” you can ride  and even a “pacer” (that would be the simulated rider in front of you ) so you can take in the sights and stare at his ass the whole workout.

    I assumed the position and slide my feet onto the pedals and pushed the buttons to  begin my CROSS COUNTRY ride. The pacer appeared just up in front of me on my right hand side. I admit I knocked him out by running him over within the first quarter-mile but he just kept getting back up and getting in my way. I ended up on the grass several times as it wasn’t the easiest thing to steer. Before completing the first lap I had ended up in the creek once and smashed into a tree…or two. And we just won’t talk about the PACER anymore, bless his heart. I was 10 minutes into my ride before I was finally getting the hang of it when I began to feel sore. And it was getting worse. Muscles were burning and I wasn’t even in a low gear. But it wasn’t my legs that were giving out. It was my ASS. You see the damn seat is less than 6 inches wide. Standard  size I later found out. And well, let’s just call it like we see it. My ASS is certainly bigger than a 6 inch wide bicycle seat. My tail bone was numb. My cheeks were screaming and I had to bail. OMG!  That was torture!

    As I walked around the gym to try to restore the blood flow to my butt cheeks I just started laughing to myself and singing the classic QUEEN song. “Fat Bottomed Girls, they make the rocking world go round”.

    Yes they do! And until I can reduce the QUEEN sized width of my behind this FAT BOTTOMED GIRL is sticking to the treadmill.

    I love each and  every one you

    Juliana

  • Human Touch

    When was the last time you reached outside your comfort zone and took the time to touch someone during your day? I mean, really stop and make direct eye contact and engage someone for a moment that you didn’t even know. Not as part of your job but as a part of LIVING.

    I am guilty. Guilty of running from one task to the next from sun up to sundown, day in and day out, and in those moments letting the living pass me by. We are all probably guilty of ignoring people from time to time. Invisible people, homeless people, physically challenged people,the old and infirm….and yes, the service people who make are days easier by taking away our trash and clipping our lawns and taking away our dirty plates at the restaurant. DIFFERENCES inherently make people uncomfortable. I am aware that I make some people uncomfortable by being overweight. As a large person I can sense those that look PAST me and those that render me  INVISIBLE .I therefore experience times and situations where I am painfully shy. Invisible has become my preference.

    I saw a man the other morning through the window of my apartment gym as I was huffing away on the treadmill. He was tall, thin and blacker than black. He was putting up the umbrellas on the outside patio. He must have felt me watching him as he looked up and caught my gaze then  immediately lowered his eyes and walked away.

    I finished my 30 minute workout and headed upstairs to my apartment. I got a glass of water and a book and headed out to the courtyard to cool down , read and meditate by the fountain. It was cool outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain stilled my mind. I thought of the man I had seen earlier and wondered if he felt as invisible as I do.

    I heard footsteps on the pavement and looked up and saw him again. He was on to his next task – cleaning the courtyard. I watched him for a moment. He made a point not to look up. And I thought…son of a bitch – he is as scared of me as I am of…everybody! In that moment I made the bold, spontaneous decision to speak. “Good morning” I said…making sure I spoke clearly and with purpose. He looked up and shyly returned the greeting. “What’s is your name?” I asked and he said “QUIT” in an obvious accent. I repeated his name and asked him “Where are you from?” He paused and seemed to relax a bit and settled his hands on his broom handle. “Africa” he said. I smiled and said ” Well, I am glad you are here. And THANK YOU for making our home such a nice place to live”. A large smile broke out across his face. He nodded his head and said “You are welcome”. In that moment I knew we had just made each others day.We shared in a human experience.

    It made me glad I went to the gym. I made me glad I took the time to go meditate in the courtyard. I was glad I reached past my own discomfort to maybe ease the discomfort of another. Giving is a gift that comes back to you over and over.

    Take the time to reach out and touch. SEE the people around you and you will be SEEN. All that flows from you and all that flows to you is good when it is sent with pure intent.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…First Place

    I am the worst person when it comes to self restraint. I live big, I work BIG and I LOVE BIG. Like a pit bull lock jawed on a burglar I don’t like giving up what I love. And let’s face it. I love to eat or I wouldn’t weigh 300 lbs. But all that BIG LIVING leaves little time to dedicate to loving myself in a bigger way and making a plan to eat and live better.

    On Friday I had to go to a meeting downtown.There was no parking anywhere near the building I needed to go to and the thought of walking 6 city blocks make me sick to my stomach. But I got out, purse on one shoulder and binder in my hand, I huffed it…… all the way to 811 Dallas. I reached my final destination panting and sweating like a prime swine at the rodeo pig races. But alas there was no one there to give me an Oreo for making it to the finish line, or a chair…or a drink of water.Thank God I got to catch my breath and pat my brow while waiting on the elevator before meeting my client.

    I stepped on the elevator and with a deep heavy sigh…it dawned on me. THAT was exercise! AND I LIVED!!!!!!

    It wasn’t a race where you get a ribbon or a marathon for a great cause. It was just me and the concrete. The only one who realized what an accomplishment it was for a 300 lb woman with heart failure….was me. And  then, that  “inner voice” that always seems to speak to me when I least expect it. When I’m alone and quite….like in an elevator being hauled up to the top floor of a downtown office building for a meeting I was late to, it  said to me “Just because you know you won’t place first is no reason not to run the race”.

    Hmmmmm.Well, I’ll be! That’s the beauty of life. You get to enter a new race everyday. Sometimes you win and get a ribbon, sometimes you place and find new friends on the podium and other times you cross the finish line last. But that’s okay. The only ones that the evening news ever shows crossing the finish line are the winner and the last to complete the course. Smile for the camera baby! YOU MADE IT!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • UP!

    Okay Saturday morning…how you do’in? I’m up. Maybe not completely vertical but up none the less. I have a cup of coffee, have called two after-hours techs for equipment for a show tomorrow and since my laundry is done and the cat is fed…..I’m stuck staring at my YOGA DVD.

    Why is the thought of starting a 20 minute yoga routine such a drudgery. It’s gonna make me feel better. I’ll be more flexible. I’ll be focused for the day. My circulation will increase! Maybe I’m just afraid what the good old oxygen rich blood might do to those starved nether regions. I don’t want no trouble outta yous guys!

    The sectional sofa is calling my name like a siren from the shore. The chatter on Facebook is all about the new French cooking show on the Food Network and the remote control is just….right…there. The glistening bottle of amber Amaretto sitting on my kitchen counter is screaming “Put me in the God Damn Coffee!”. Sofa, Snuggie, TV, Coffee GOODNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

    And then I hear in a calm soothing voice…..”The couch will still be there in 20 minutes. You can TiVo the cooking channel and the Amaretto….well, and wouldn’t you rather trade in the Amaretto for a glass of wine at dinner tonight?”

    What?     Who said that?  Hmmmm, nobody here but me and Punkin and that cat ain’t talking.  Then comes a whisper in my ear…”Inner Voice”.

    Aghhh yes, I remember now. I have been praying for guidance and meditating to “hear” the answers. Well, just smack me on the back and call me successful. I was LISTENING and didn’t even know it. I guess this stuff really does work.

    Okay – I am up. DVD in and me and my new boyfriend Rodney Yee are gonna get down to some YOGA. Excuse me. Check ya later.

    Namaste

    Juliana

    The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. “Nama” means bow, “as” means I, and “te” means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means “bow me you” or “I bow to you”    Aadil Palkhivala’s