Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

THINK BEFORE YOU EXPOSE……

Written by

Juliana Wathen

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I hate to admit it but I might just be an advocate of reinstating the 1922 Bathing Beach Police. Maybe not with the same rules but there definitely are some offenders out there that need a citation or two and some should be put in the back of a paddy wagon and just hauled straight off to jail.

It’s no BIG secret that I am a BIG gal. And though I love summer, the pool and hanging out at Surfside’s Pirate’s Alley with my girls, the thought of putting on an actual swim suit makes me more nervous that a virgin on prom night.

I have a “social conscience” which is extremely lacking in some folks. I THINK before I EXPOSE. I have never fully recovered from seeing a grandpa in a Speedo back in the 80’s at Splash Day in South Padre. Had it not been for my youthful state and the copious amount of liquor I consumed I think I might have stroked out right there.

So, it is with much forethought and trepidation that I select this years Fashionista Fatwear. I am selecting a two-piece. Okay – pick you ef’ing jaw up off the floor. Not THAT kinda two piece. I’m going for the drawstring swim shorts….in black of course and mixing and matching that with brightly colored  swim tops. I’m okay with that! All my bits and pieces will be sufficiently covered. My delicate white fluffiness will be served up to the sun for an extra dose of newly formed freckles and fun. I already have my floatie toy for the pool. My 55 Factor sunscreen, a great To-Go cup and a beach towel. Happiness!!!

So you see. It doesn’t have to be THAT painful…for you…or the masses who may see you coming down the beach.

Just remember; THINK before you EXPOSE! God, I wish I had gotten a hold of this woman before spring. It’s just WRONG I tell ya. Women can be attractive at any size – but NOT when you make really, really, reallllly bad choices. I’m hoping the sales person who sold her that piece of patchwork got a sales commission to match the size of the suit. NEXT TO NOTHING! ANYWAY!!!

I love each and every one of you.

If you have been emotionally scarred by this post then I suggest you leave work early and go have a cocktail poolside to recover.

Juliana!!!!

Comments

8 responses to “THINK BEFORE YOU EXPOSE……”

  1. Susan K. Morrow Avatar
    Susan K. Morrow

    On my way to get that cocktail! Eeeek!

    This was a good post, though, and your choice of bathing attire for your “delicate white fluffiness” sounds like the perfect one. For other “delicate, white and fluffy ladies”, see Land’s End for very good choices.

    Happy summer!

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    1. Juliana Wathen Avatar
      Juliana Wathen

      May I suggest “Sex on the Beach” to take the edge of then something fruity with an umbrella!

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  2. Elizabeth Crocker Avatar
    Elizabeth Crocker

    OMG! You crack me up! I’d like to add that even people who have nothing but skin & bones need a little discretion too 🙂

    Love you!

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    1. Juliana Wathen Avatar
      Juliana Wathen

      Amen! I am an equal opprotunity offenders – cover that shit up!!!

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  3. L. Jay Meyer Avatar
    L. Jay Meyer

    Hilarious. THis goes for guys, too, by the way!!! I have long been an advocate of the tasteful T when it comes to gentlemen of a larger size. I have transformed into the more revealing, yet still modestly coverative of the A-shirt – black, of course.

    You are really moving with this Huli. That voice you have always had (and NO! Not THAT one!!!) has really found its pitch. (yes, I wrote Bitch at first and don’t know why). When the time is right for you, if you need a director or just an avid damned cheerleader, let me know!!!!

    And we all need a visit soon. One with length and laughter and libations!!!

    Love you

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    1. Juliana Wathen Avatar
      Juliana Wathen

      yes. A visit soon. I have been missing my boys. Pool is ready. Your gonna have to grab your suits and come on over soon.

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  4. Ro Hodges Avatar
    Ro Hodges

    OMG!!! Really I have always been a bigger girl and even when I have lost a little weight and gotten full of myself because of it i NEVER put on something like that….well at least not for the world to see!!! Sometimes I wonder who they are talking to to think that suit is suitable…Then I have to think …well ok maybe she has great self-esteem …then I think no….I would like to know what kinda drugs she is on….better yet I want her mirror that she looked in because it must of made her look really good to think that is ok…..I have about the same kinda suit you do Juliana and the thing that is great about it is that I don’t have to keep adjusting it and I still get a tan!!!
    Happy Suit shopping everyone!!
    ro

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  5. Juliana Wathen Avatar
    Juliana Wathen

    Oh My beautiful Rolinda! You ARE a BEAUTY. I’m all for self confidence to wear what you like but for me…I’m just on the reserve side. If a big girl wasn’t to wear a skimpy bikini at least get one that actually FITS your boobs and your bottom. She missed the boat on all fronts on this one.Maybe that is just the costumer in me.
    Love you!!!
    Hu

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