Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: spiritual

  • Wonder Woman…..

    Reluctantly I admit, that even though I have the cape, matching underwear and the whip, I am not a 21-year-old Super Hero. Damn it!

    I  am the 48-year-old woman who succumbed to heat exposure on Sunday whilst swimming & trying to blend the 4 shades of freckles on my body into a uniform tan. Alas, I must raise my hand and stand tall just like the twelve step program recommends and admit to myself and others that with this bevy of freckles, my tan looks more like an incomplete, faux finishing project at a Hobby Lobby class than a Hawaiian Tropics pin-up girl. Grrrrrrrrr.

    It has taken me till tonight to get back on my feet. So is the life of a girl with heart failure who pushes her physical  boundaries just a tad too much sometimes. Double Grrrrrr.

    So I spent the whole day yesterday lifeless and sleeping. Sleeping and dreaming. Dreaming and sleeping. It’s at these times I feel the gentle nudge of spiritual guardians reminding me to slow down and focus. To be more aware of my surroundings and the people in my life. To enjoy the moment and live in the present. To listen to my body and let it guide me. There is more time left than I can ever imagine and the concept of that time is always expanding.

    I have filtered out that which is unreal and embraced what is. I am that I am. I am here to experience the things that I am not so that I can know better that which I am. I am a trained singer, not a writer and yet I am a writer now and it is real. I’m not hiding behind other people’s words, emotions  and flowing melody in a song. I am writing my own. I am living my own. I don’t have to  hide behind the mask of a Super Diva any longer.

    I’m keeping the cape, the matching underwear………..and the whip….cause lets just face it – everybody likes a little dress up every now and then. wink…wink…nod…nod….

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Slap my ass and call me Daisy…..

    During my “quiet time” at the pool this afternoon I got to thinking. Hmmmmm. They say that everyone should have a spiritual animal guide, I wonder what animal I would  get  for a guide today? …Immediately I had a vision of a cow  ( a very cute cow) chewing it’s cud.

    CUD : “Food regurgitated from the first stomach to the mouth of a ruminant and chewed again”. It’s a digestion thing.

    Seems I have been regurgitating some emotional hay and having to chew it up all over again this week to get it down my gullet and out the other end. So, after swimming 5 laps (yes 5 and they aren’t baby laps either – the pool is 75 ft long…I counted the tiles.) ANYWAY – I  heaved up on the lounger to multi-task and soak up some late afternoon sun and meditate.

    I named every emotion that plagued me this week. Guilt, blame, shame etc and I mentally attached 10 lbs per word and laid them on a spiritual alter of sorts. When I had purged my list I envisioned setting the alter a flame and sending all that negative energy and the weight  that burdened me from it up in smoke. I struck the match, I lit the flame and THAT ladies and gentleman is how you start a grease fire!  Wow!!!!! Damn good thing there’s not a burn ban in the spiritual world cause that mother went UP! Oooooohhhh. The curse of  the creative mind. Meditation time was over and I swam another 5 laps and snorted water up my nose laughing at myself and nearly drowned.

    Meditation isn’t for everyone. 20 yrs ago we included my brother, Vern, in a guided meditation class I was hosting. The teacher that night asked us all to go within. Follow the journey and the sound of his voice. Walk in a cave and then out into a glen. When you stand in the glen you were to call forth your animal guide from the tree line and he would emerge…you could ask him a question…blah blah.. he would take you to the SON/SUN for a gift etc….Afterwards we went round the group and asked about each others experience. When it came Vern’s turn to “Share” the teacher asked him.

    Well Vern, Did you find the glen?

    “Yes sir”  -he said with his hands folded lightly on his lap.

    Goooood, Vern, did you ask for a spiritual guide to emerge from the tree line?

    “Ugh huh, sure did”, he had a grin on his face like he had really learned something important which surprised me.

    And did you ask him to take you to the SON/SUN?

    Vern quickly blurted out – from a very spiritual place all his own – “Hell no! It was a 12 point buck. I shot that mother. Course, I knew you hippie folks was medi-tating so I shot him with my bow and arrow. Right through the heart. That wiley rascal never knew what hit him!

    Word to the wise…..when trying to  enlighten a redneck…… use a high beam spotlight. And when working thru the issues that you are sure you already processed and digested  – don’t be surprised if you don’t have to go back and spend some time chewing your cud to get it all to go down for good.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • OH, Oh, Oh Pick Me!!!…..

    Sometimes it’s just nice to have a little validation once in a while. I have been working on my prayer and mediation for the last year or so as a tool to restore my true self and replace the chaos and scattered thoughts with balance.  Heal the mind and the body will follow.

    Ya see, it’s kinda like this. Prayer is talking to God, boy I can chew his ear off….Meditation is listening quietly (shhhhhhh)  for the answer….which is the part I suck at most. But, I have not given up. I work with visualizations and mantras and strive to focus, focus, focus – SQUIRREL! – Focus, Focus, Focus.

    I buy books to read and then read them a little at a time.Yes, A little at a time. I told you I have focus issues!

    Today I picked back up “A Course in Weight Lose” and thumbed to a new chapter and low and behold if Marianne Williamson isn’t suggesting the same style meditation I thought I came up with all on my own. See, even God hedges his bets and plants seeds of thought to a whole slew of people and just sits back to see who actually “gets” it enough to put it out there to everyone else. Kinda like charades. ANYWAY…..

    I had been visualizing. Seeing myself filled with light and have been telling every cell in my body that if it doesn’t serve a positive function in running the physical machine that it may be excused and return to the SOURCE. I thank it for it’s service , all very polite of course and release it as I have done with fear, blame, guilt and other negative energies I have held onto for so long.

    Well Marianne has a little fancier version  – she suggests you see yourself lying on a beautiful, smooth, white marble slab surrounded in light. Call me crazy but after three heart attacks I’m thinking the last thing I want to think about is being laid out on any kind of slab..even marble….too close for comfort. But the rest of her meditation was pretty close. She suggests a spiritual surgeon to remove the part of you that does not serve you any longer and that he carves away the weight with white light like a razor and the weight just falls away. You are blessed and cleansed blah blah blah. You get it right. So it was just a nice validation that someone out there was thinking along the same lines as I was. Gold Star for me!

    I already new I was a winner this morning cause I fit in a pair of pants I hadn’t worn in a year. COMFORTABLY fit…not even a squeeeeeze.

    I quickly posted my success on Facebook this morning and the “Congrats” came all day. I AM A WINNER!!!!!! It would be awesome if the Universe just passed out beautiful blondes as a prize for all my hard work and perseverance …(heavy sigh) …. but I’ll settle for a huge chunk of my friends patting my back and spouting encouragement in cyper space any day. It’s too hard to focus with pretty blue eyes staring at you anyway.

    I celebrate being healthy, being balanced and bringing myself into a truer representation on the outside of who I am on the inside.

    I love each and every one of you. But today…I love my Liz Claiburn jeans just a little bit more. 🙂

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Dance like no one’s watching….

    “It’s not about surviving the storm, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain”. I read that today and it has stuck with me for hours.

    Each word carries so much weight and so much meaning.

    Many times in life I have held onto a highly misplaced “discipline” to hang on in a bad situation. To weather the storm and ride it out. I think we have been conditioned to believe that only thru suffering can we find true redemption. But the real redemption comes from realizing that the storm is your perception of the situation and of your making.You either walked into the turmoil on your own or you created it by placing yourself in someone elses storm. Your anxiety feeds the storm and keeps the winds of turmoil churning in your life. Like a tornado it gathers up everything in its path and the clutter of people and emotions whirl around you till the sky turns black and it grows into a monster.

    What keeps you imbedded in the storm? Who in their right mind would want to stand in the center of that energy? What binds you there?  FEAR. Fear of making it worse. Fear of failing. Fear of judgement and persecution. Fear of rejection. Maybe someone will laugh or say “I told you so”. Or they may tell you “You bit off more than you can chew”. In the end it doesn’t matter what THEIR perception is. When you can learn to dance in the rain you can diffuse the negative and turn that hail storm into a gentle cleansing rain. Those that thrive in chaos will move to a more favorable climate.

    There is an Irish Proverb that is very simple :

    Work like you don’t need the money.
    Love like you’ve never been hurt.
    Dance like no-one’s watching.
    Sing like no-one’s listening.
    Live like there’s no tomorrow.

    How many of these things do you live by and practice everyday? I try to remind myself of these things each & every day and my skies have never been clearer.Who ever knew I was such a dancer!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

     

  • Here comes the sun…..

    Quietly I made my way thru the house this morning past the rooms of still slumbering sand warriors who went to bed in the wee hours of the morning nursing their sunburns and still wearing their glow-in-the-dark necklaces.

    The deck was all mine and so was the entire beach. Not a soul insight. Just me, the seagulls and the rising sun creeping up over the waves that washed the beach clean and smooth.

    I settled into the heavy sun-bleached wooden rocker and thought “what a lovely way to pray and start my day.”

    “Dear heavenly Father, I welcome the sun. I am surrounded by the light of Christ, I am filled with the life of God. All that comes to me and all that comes from me is good. Fill me with Peace, Guidance and Understanding in all things. Open my eyes that I might see clearly, open my ears that I might hear the message and open my heart that I might know the truth. Bless those that cross my path as they have all come and gone for a reason. I send them light and love. Bless us all Father as we journey back to our homes today. We are truly blessed to know who we are and where we came from.”

    Let the games begin.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FLY AWAY…..

    Today was a strange day and maybe I was just feeling the vibes in the earth but I felt the scars on my heart today. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake till just an hour or so ago.

    Emotions welled in me and I missed the one I had held most dear but that is no longer in my life. At some point “feeling” all this just pissed me off.

    I had started the day knowing my dearest friend Lori’s dad was in the hospital and they said by days end he needed a quadruple heart by-pass but was in no shape to tolerate the surgery. His heart was so tired. I said my prayers for Giles Henry throughout the day as I drove from task to task. I prayed for the Doctors to find the right solution.

    I went on to an event today and was pulled aside. “Had I heard the news?”  – What news?” –  I expected industry gossip but instead was told in the lowest of hushed tones that the fabulous Houston Songtress Yvonne Washington had suffered a heart attack and was scheduled for by-pass surgery tomorrow morning at Methodist Hospital. My own heart sank as she and I had just discussed the signs of a woman’s heart attack as we sat backstage at a gala two weeks ago. She will miss her daughter’s wedding this Saturday and that will break her heart all over again. I said my prayers again as I made my way to my next stop.

    The work continued, the day continued and so did this feeling of heartbreak in my heart.

    I checked my phone during the event tonight searching for an update on Giles Henry and I saw instead a post on Facebook. A dear high school friends mom had passed away back in our hometown of Conroe. She died at home surrounded by two of her children.Brent did not get there in time.

    When the body is frail the heart just stops. And she, like a dove  – flew away as her son drove down the highway listening to track 11 FLY AWAY. He heard a new message in the song he had heard many times before.  he was grateful for the music written by a friend that helped him cope with the loss. And he took the time to tell him so from the side of the road.

    Hearts were breaking all around me today. Figuratively and literally. My heart had been broken for years, inside and out . Physically and emotionally I had run my heart thru a ringer in the past few years and yet I survived on each level. Somehow, I was reborn. Yes figuratively and literally.

    Today reminded where I had been. I risked my heart. I experienced an incredible love that did not last. My heart is scarred but not broken. I saw a glimpse of what could and should be. I risked my health again and again. My heart nearly threw in the towel for us both. But instead, has forgiven me and beats stronger today than it has in years. There is not a lot of reason behind why I have survived three hearts attacks and Congestive Heart Failure. I have to believe that God’s just not done with me yet and that my heart has not experienced the greatest of moments that he still has planned for me. I appreciate where I have been and even more, where I am going.

    So tonight, I pray for the hearts that are ailing and the hearts that are hurting. I pray for the daughter who sits by her father’s bedside holding his hand and saying ‘It’s gonna be okay Giles Henry”, I pray for the mother who worries most about missing her Daughter’s biggest day. And I pray for the son who with a heavy heart listened in his car to track 11 FLY AWAY and found comfort in his moms passing in the words of a song.

    I love each and every one of you.

    And today I love a beautiful girl, Lori, Yvonne, Giles Henry and Brent just a little bit more. I hope you don’t mind.

    Juliana

  • After the Rapture…..

    I’m still here. Are you still here? …..Thought so.

    I got up and took my ipod to the pool this morning to relax and soak up some sun. It was early and I had the entire pool deck to myself. It was quite except for the sound of a breeze rustling through the palm tree tops. I happily soaked in the serenity of the moment and smiled inside and out. It dawned on me that there were actually people in the world who would be sad today that they were still living and not swept up to the heavens on Saturday. Many had given up jobs and spent life savings, stood in airports and on street corners warning people the end was near. Now, the day after, they are faced with the weight of an enormous question. WHAT NEXT?

    In good southern style I thought to myself …….”Bless their hearts”.

    I started rustling  thru my bag. I had haphazardly grabbed a random bag from the closet and tossed in the usual. A towel, 50 factor sunscreen for babies (I’m delicate – damnit), iPod, and bottled water. As I dug around I found a loose piece of paper and pulled it out to see what it was. It was a funeral program left over from a friends father’s passing. It had been in there for nearly two years. I read it cover to cover and studied the pictures on each page. Youth, Parents, Children, Family…all that goes with living.

    That was it – THE KEY…The answer to the HUGE question hanging over these poor peoples heads……it was simple and right in front of them….LIFE. Life is what is next.

    This man lived it. He didn’t hide from it, he didn’t fear it and he didn’t spend his life savings focusing on the end of it. So many of these doomsday people are so focused on how and when they will die or transition to the other side of life that they FORGET TO LIVE. They are so shackled in fear that they can’t …LIVE. Bless their hearts again.

    I want you to try something. A mental exercise of sorts. Most of us aren’t doomsday fanatics but we do shackle and bind our hearts with fear. Fear of many things, rejection, being hurt, being betrayed…And most of those things when reduced to their core mean LOVE and ACCEPTANCE.

    So many have locked away their hearts in an attempt to live a more protected and safe life. Stop it! Unchain your heart. Open it and let love and life’s energy flow from you so that it may return to you. Think about this. How many “Friends” do you have just on FACEBOOK. If you opened up your heart and just let it flow out to those people…it would cost you nothing . Imagine if each of those people did the same for you and think of all the love that would come back to you. 100 fold…200 fold…500 fold…? How many friends do you have??? 1000?

    Don’t be afraid to live your life. Don’t spend your time protecting yourself from the pitfalls of life – you’ll miss life altogether. Love who and where you are. Enjoy THIS moment. Live THIS time in your life. Ride the ride. You are loved by so many. Most people don’t realize how loved they are till they lose it. So choose to see it in all aspects of your life. Open your heart. There is no time BUT the present.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • If the world was ending what would you do…..

    I read on the internet this morning that tomorrow, May 21, 2011  is supposed to be the end of time according to some guy who professes to have done extensive studying of the bible and the Rapture. His name…oh who cares. This guy ( nut job) predicts  May 21, 2011, to be Judgment Day. He came to this conclusion  through a series of Bible-based calculations that assume the world will end exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood, believers are to be transported up to heaven as a worldwide earthquake strikes. Nonbelievers will endure five months of plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment before the planet’s total destruction in October. In 1992 he said the rapture would probably be in 1994, but he now says newer evidence makes the prophesy for this year certain.

    Well, I made it to Sunday school a few times in my day and I could have sworn it said something about “NO MAN WILL KNOW THE DAY”….so….I’m thinking this guy must be a Drag Queen cause they can’t tell time either.

    So, what would you do if you knew the world was ending tomorrow? I called and asked my mom “St. Wanda” this thought provoking question. She calmly replied. “I’d like to be taking a nap but I’ll probably be cutting your daddies toenails.” I love me some Wanda Glynn!!!!

    Here’s the deal. You have a better chance of being hit by a beer truck going home today than being caught up in the Rapture tomorrow. So do what you should be doing everyday anyway. LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE! That way when your time does come…it just won’t matter a bit cause you’ll be good to go on all fronts!

    Live, Laugh, Love

    I love each and ever one of you

    Juliana

  • Illusions…..

    Have you ever felt that “Happiness”  or a “Great Life” is somehow always OVER THERE, just out of reach. Does it seem to be on the other side of where you currently are? Is it like a mirage? The closer you get, the further away it moves as elusive as the end of a rainbow? Is this your reality?

    NO. THIS is the illusion!  That this state of happiness is for others and somehow outside ourselves and just out of reach. The old adage that you must struggle with all our might to reap the rewards of  a “Great Life”  is false. We have been taught to believe  that only thru suffering will we achieve happiness. This is an old thought. It represents an old level of consciousness that we no longer need to feed with our energy.

    The veil has been lifted and we have been shown that our best life is within & in front of us. And the simplest bridge will take us there. The simplest, positive thought of worthiness will propel us forward and we can tread upon that bridge with confidence that it will carry us across.

    Greatness already resides within us. Bring it forward. Bring it out. Surround yourself with this energy and you will be the rainbow brightening up the world.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Good Friday…..Best Life EVER!

    Good Morning world. It is GOOD FRIDAY! In my book, all Fridays are Good Friday. But this Friday the Blonde Bunny and I will be celebrating with a bevy of fabulous friends at the LAW Good Friday Crawfish Boil.

    Our afternoon will include the holy trinity of crawfish, potatoes and corn. Throw in some sides, some cold drinks and a crazy bunch of people with a jam box and you have yourself one heck of a religious experience.

    It’s a time to be thankful. It’s a time to be reborn. Good Friday and Easter – It’s not just the resurrection story of a man who came and gave his life on the cross for our “Sins” and then arose three days later. It’s not just about what someone did for us! It is a map – a guideline, an example of how to renew your own life and be born anew.

    Change is hard. Letting go of your burdens is difficult when you feel that only your burdens define you. Instead of pointing the finger of blame at those around you for being  the source of your discomfort or for being the barrier to your success   – “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. YOU have the power to release and forgive them because only you have the vision of who you truly are. There is no room for judgement or grudges in the Kingdom of Heaven. And the Kingdom of Heaven is within you.  Let the past die away, enter the chamber of your heart and rest in the new ideas of love, forgiveness and peace. See the obstacles that block your path dissolve away. Forgive YOURSELF for not believing in the power and wonder of YOU and the God within you. Only then can you awaken to a new life. Only then can you accept the wonderful gifts that were meant to be yours all along. Only then will you live your best life ever!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana