Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: self esteem

  • Dance like no one’s watching….

    “It’s not about surviving the storm, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain”. I read that today and it has stuck with me for hours.

    Each word carries so much weight and so much meaning.

    Many times in life I have held onto a highly misplaced “discipline” to hang on in a bad situation. To weather the storm and ride it out. I think we have been conditioned to believe that only thru suffering can we find true redemption. But the real redemption comes from realizing that the storm is your perception of the situation and of your making.You either walked into the turmoil on your own or you created it by placing yourself in someone elses storm. Your anxiety feeds the storm and keeps the winds of turmoil churning in your life. Like a tornado it gathers up everything in its path and the clutter of people and emotions whirl around you till the sky turns black and it grows into a monster.

    What keeps you imbedded in the storm? Who in their right mind would want to stand in the center of that energy? What binds you there?  FEAR. Fear of making it worse. Fear of failing. Fear of judgement and persecution. Fear of rejection. Maybe someone will laugh or say “I told you so”. Or they may tell you “You bit off more than you can chew”. In the end it doesn’t matter what THEIR perception is. When you can learn to dance in the rain you can diffuse the negative and turn that hail storm into a gentle cleansing rain. Those that thrive in chaos will move to a more favorable climate.

    There is an Irish Proverb that is very simple :

    Work like you don’t need the money.
    Love like you’ve never been hurt.
    Dance like no-one’s watching.
    Sing like no-one’s listening.
    Live like there’s no tomorrow.

    How many of these things do you live by and practice everyday? I try to remind myself of these things each & every day and my skies have never been clearer.Who ever knew I was such a dancer!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

     

  • Sparkle, Sparkle Lil’ Rock Star…..

    There comes a time in a girl’s life when she just has to put on her big girl panties and do something she would never think of doing.  You know, one of those things that you don’t even think of trying because of your size, your age or both!

    Well, this weekend was the time. The family reunion was the place. The task at hand? Ride the tube with my crazy ass cousin Dayna down the Colorado River behind a speed boat filled with more cousins just chomping at the bit to see a crazy WIPE OUT!

    My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to get my ass back in the boat after I got in the water. But you know what – I figured we could deal with that when the time came. But at THAT moment I was going to seize the day, dive in and RIDE THE RIDE! ……AND I DID IT!!!!!!!

    Make it back in the boat? YEP! Had to have some help but so did everyone else. I did it. I didn’t let my size intimidate me. I didn’t let my lack of physical conditioning stop me. No offense Neil Armstrong but your “one small step for man” –  doesn’t hold a candle to the step I took on Saturday, June 11, 2011. The cheers from the boat were loud and rowdy. And my friend Kim couldn’t have beamed any brighter at my accomplishment.

    I strutted back to the main house like a prized chicken at the county fair. Jaws dropped right and left as Kim retold the story of my championship ride, how I fell in and got right back on. My poor mother nearly fainted. You see, it is a Johnson trait to freak out and worry about what COULD have happened even though I was standing right in front of her with all my bits and pieces intact! Bless her heart,sweet Wanda, I had to calm her down with hugs and kisses and reassurances that I was just fine. I was more than fine. I was a River Riding ROCK STAR!

    If you are not living on the edge, you’re taking up to much room. I took up way to much room for too long sitting on the sidelines. I will be a bench warmer no longer! This is my summer, this is my year, THIS is my life! I’m claiming back my “Sparkle”.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

  • Cheeseburger in Paradise……

    I’m hitting the road again tonight for BURNET,TEXAS and a lake house on Lake LBJ. The Cheeseburger in Paradise  – Johnson Family Reunion will be in full swing when I get there. There will be plenty of trouble for all of us to get into for the entire weekend and I plan on finding my share.

    Yep – I AM taking my Scooby Snacks with me so I can make sure I stay on track with my Weight Watchers Lifestyle Transformation. But, you can bet your sweet ass I am gonna spend my Points on Saturday on a CHEESEBURGER in Paradise hot off the grill. I wonder how many exchange points there are in Washer Pitch’in?…UNO?….Fish’in? …..Hanging on for dear life on an intertube?….Anyone???…….Anyone??????

    Don’t sweat it! Life is meant to be lived and that is what I am doing. Happier today than I have been in years. Life is good, productive and well, hell,….. just flat out fun these days! My partner in crime for the weekend will be my childhood friend, Kim Luce-Dollar. I think we are old enough that we won’t get in trouble for sneaking out at midnight to go to the lake….but you never know!

    If your aren’t enjoying your life – then you just aren’t living right! I know a few people who have busted their butts to get what they thought they just had to have to make their life perfect. The right person, the right house, the right job. And low and behold – they may have the THINGS or even people, but still find their life is not perfect and certainly not their own. They are a slave to the things they had to have and now have to take care of and pay for. All that work and HAPPINESS still slips right thru their fingers.  That is a HUGE life lesson. What’s the lesson you ask???

    That when you try to force your will on the Universe….The Universe is liable to give you just what you asked for.

    Stop asking for what you see in your narrow view. Ask the Universe to fill your cup with peace, love, guidance and perfect understanding….and watch it overflow.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

  • I don’t need a proclamation…….

    I don’t need a Presidential Proclamation to tell me to be proud of who I am. June has been GAY PRIDE month ever since I came out almost 30 years ago. I’d have to say to the US Government “You’re a little late to the party, Sugar”. I’m sure others see it as “better late than never”. Potatoe – Potato

    The fact remains that we (The GLBT Community) still fight for equality in a country based on the premise of equality. The statement below is the opening paragraph of the Presidential Proclamation posted on http://www.Whitehouse.gov

    BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
    A PROCLAMATION

    “The story of America’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) community is the story of our fathers and sons, our mothers and daughters, and our friends and neighbors who continue the task of making our country a more perfect Union. It is a story about the struggle to realize the great American promise that all people can live with dignity and fairness under the law. Each June, we commemorate the courageous individuals who have fought to achieve this promise for LGBT Americans, and we rededicate ourselves to the pursuit of equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.”

    I don’t think we need a statement or platform to be PROUD. We climbed the biggest mountains just coming out to Family, Friends and Colleagues and embracing who we are as individuals. That is something to be PROUD of. I would rather – if there had to be a STATEMENT made by the Gov’t that it be focused more on AWARENESS. Awareness of the on-going struggle for equality in housing, child rearing, spousal rights, job security and benefits. Expand the AWARENESS of persecution of CHILDREN in public schools who are so young they may not even be aware of their sexual identity but their mannerisms make them targets for bullying and many Teachers and Principals turn a blind eye. Suicide is on the rise in gay, lesbian and transgendered children. It is so heart breaking that a child in America can’t go to school and be nurtured, protected and encouraged to be just who God made them to be. Complaints from parents have fallen on deaf ears in administrations across the country. The focus goes back on the child victim instead of the abusers. Tell your son not to “act” so gay. Tell your child to dress less conspicuously…in essence – Tell YOUR child to be ashamed of who they are and keep their head low or risk the fallout. The bully is rarely if EVER removed from the school, much less reprimanded in anyway. If these kids can’t be safe in the classroom then they will cease going to class.They become the throw away children of society. They have the biggest mountain to climb to get back to a place where they can love themselves and be proud of who they are.

    Everyone should be proud of who they are, gay-straight, black – white, fat – thin, white collar or blue collar. Expand your mind and be aware that there are differences all around us. We are all equal in the eyes of the Universe.  Is it too much to be equal in yours?

    Make someone else AWARE…..repost or share this post with as many as you like.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • When I was a child….

    When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

    I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

    So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

    It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

    I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

    Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

    I still felt huge.

    The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

    Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

    I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

    Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

    Juliana

  • They say it’s your birthday……

    It’s a birthday kinda weekend. I’m heading to an 8th birthday party tomorrow for Lil’ Ty. I just don’t know what to wear!

    Lately, every day has been my birthday. I wake up each day and “Make a wish”. And though I’m not blowing out a candle over lusciously delicious pastries I am, none the less, celebrating.

    I am 48 years young and feel younger instead of older everyday. This whole eating right really does have a positive effect. It’s not all about just changing my attitude about life and the body following. It is a result of feeding my body what it needs. And IT changing how I feel. I am eating  at least 6 small meals a day and yes that means making sure I take my Scooby Do lunch box everywhere I go. My energy is through the roof. In the past years I ate dinner at night and had to wait for it to get dark enough to justify going to bed. NOW – OMG!

    I MAKE myself go to bed at 1am and I wake up no later then 6:30am feeling refreshed and ready to pin the tail on the donkey. I could have slept 10 hours before and not felt rested. I’m sure it’s all about the science of consistent blood sugar levels, and energy foods….blah blah blah….But I like to think it’s the daily birthday wish.

    I love each and every one of you and if it’s your birthday..well..today…I love you just a little more for sticking around for cake and ice cream.

    Juliana

  • Before and After….

    I HATE the before and after pictures the weight loss companies post to entice you to lose weight. Weight Watchers wants to see YOUR starting photo as well.

    Aghh, I just could NOT make myself put on a pair of tights and tank top two sizes too small and take my photo in a mirror of myself slouching and frowning like someone out of camera range had bad gas….You know what I’m talking about don’t cha?

    But just for shits and grins I am posting a casual picture of me at work today. You don’t have to see every bump and ripple to tell I am pretty damn heavy. But what should catch your eye most is not my size but the fact that I am comfortable and happy.

    I am not afraid to show you who I am today, yesterday or who I will become tomorrow. I will not hide away from the world till I am “perfect” for you to see and know. I would rather you see the work in progress.

    I have been up and I have been down in more ways than one. But it is the sum total of all my experiences and encounters that have brought me to this place today and it’s a good place to be. So feel free to follow me on my journey. I can only promise it will never be boring…I DO promise never to post full body shots of me in spandex.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Life is Good!

  • The Power of FEET…..

    Feet…I don’t pay much attention to them except when they are swollen twice their normal size and hurting like a big dog but today, I decided to wear some cute little black flats with my summer outfit of choice. I put them on and did a double take. Eeeewwwwww. Whose feet are these???

    These ragged, rough examples of worn out soles are in serious need of attention. Professional attention!

    Losing weight and feeling good makes you stop and look in the mirror you usually would have avoided. It makes you want to wear the latest seasonal fashions and fads instead of your worn out Target T-shirt and jeans. It’s all about feeling better, being healthy and taking care of the things that keep you moving forward in your life. And FEET are at the top of the list!! They are our foundation. They help us hold our ground or dodge a bullet. They can kick ass when necessary or deliver a flirty message underneath the tablecloth at your favorite restaurant.  So wether you use your feet for function or flirting just remember to take care of what is carrying you through the day.

    So today at lunch- I will munch on my scooby snacks on the way to the salon for a mani-pedi. I’m making time for what is important. ME!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Living in the Winners Circle…..

    To BE a winner you have to believe you ARE a winner. You have to talk the talk and walk the walk. If you have to fake it till you make it, then so be it!

    The alternative is to feed the negative side of life and live day to day as a victim. A victim of your circumstances AND YOUR OWN BELIEFS. You will be limited by your own perceived limitations. The manifestation of that powerful belief system transforms you into a magnet for all that you fear. Just like in the biblical story of JOB: “precisely that which he fears will be sent upon him”.

    I have lived that FEAR. I feared LIVING and put myself at deaths door. I feared LOVING and pushed away those I claimed to give my heart to. I feared LOSING and broke the delicate things I clung too. It is a hard lesson to learn. And even harder to realize that you called it all upon yourself. Who in their right mind would want to live that life of fear. And so I prayed that God restore my RIGHT MIND.

    The curtain has been lifted and now I see from the other side of the veil. I am a winner because I CHOSE to be. I am living because I do not fear life and all it’s riches any longer. I raise my trophy high and say, “WAY TO GO!” Because if I can’t see what an incredible, beautiful and gifted person I am , then how can I expect anyone else to see it?

    I AM A WINNER….and so are you!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Testing…One…Two…Three….

    Okay – FIRST just let me same this photo made me laugh….you figure it out!

    TODAY is EXAM day. I am going downtown and checking into the Crowne Plaza with LAW and we are going to go to the ASTROS game this afternoon. Then a party tonight and lounging by the pool and massive pampering tomorrow morning before hitting the coast for a late lunch in Surfside.

    I started to pack up my Scooby snacks and then realized “You can’t take your lunch box to the ball park dummy!” 😦

    So, the test this weekend is to see if after 3 weeks of Weight Watchers can I calculate my points from common restaurant and street faire food without taking my lap top computer everywhere I go to log in all my points. MAN!  What happened to the good ole diet days of just sheer deprivation?

    That’s the tricky part of making you RESPONSIBLE for your choices. I can HAVE a ballpark hotdog I just have to count the 10 points. Hmmmm. Maybe not the best choice for 10 points. Oh and BTW….10 points is for the regular dog…not the mega foot-long cheese, chili and jalapeno smothered dog that is my favorite!

    The best thing is that eventually…if I keep passing these random weekend tests, my ass will eventually COMFORTABLY fit in one of those stadium seats.

    The bigger life picture is that making responsible choices is something  you need to learn to do in all aspects of your life every day. Not just your food choices. Remember….If you feel that your life is not your own…then that’s because you made the CHOICE to give it away.  You have to sail your own ship to stay on course. You can’t place the responsibility of your happiness with other people no matter how much you think you need or love them or vice versa. When you spend your life telling other people that their needs matter more than yours then eventually they will believe what you are preaching. Your value on their life meter will diminish because that is what you projected. Your personal sacrifices will not be recognized as you would expect- they rightfully will perceive your actions as YOUR CHOICE.

    I love each and every one of you. And hope you all make great choices this weekend.

    Juliana