Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: self esteem

  • I Got You Babe!…..

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    Without you …..I would not experience Faith

    Without you …..I wouldn’t be challenged to Trust

    Without you…..I would not strive to make the World a Better Place

    Without you…..I would not push myself to get to the Other Side

    Without you…..I would not experience Unconditional Love

    I would not be who I am today without all the experiences, conditions and people that have touched my day to day life.
    It truly is YOU AND ME BABE!

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copy Right 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Still working on the chorus…..

    DrMomma Keep Moving It’s not lost on me that some people actually lose the ability to move forward in life. They become weighted and bogged down in life by the things they spend years struggling and fighting against. They live in a state of unrest. Emotionally, physically and spiritually denied by their own short comings and insecurities. Till finally, they are so accustomed to the dis-ease in their spirit they stop and withdraw behind a solid blindfold. They sit still,convinced that non-movement is the safest course.

    We all can feel stagnant from time to time. These days I find I fight off the cold blindness and the temptation to wrap up in that blanket of insecurity by shuffling my feet. It doesn’t even matter what direction I move in as long as I keep moving. If I go down the wrong road, then so be it! I can always turn around and go back the other way…as long as I keep moving.

    Some people move along with a song in the heart. I’m 50 years old and I’ve got the first verse…I’m still working on the chorus.

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • The Perfect Fit…..

    3763866728_0df3449a5dIt was bound to happen…and I can blame it all on that thing called “CHANGE”.

    They can warn you all day long about the mental and physical changes that come about after Gastric By-Pass surgery. But I think they are a bit too clinical and don’t really prepare you for reality and the things that really matter. And every day it seems to be something new.

    What really matters today you ask….. Underwear. Damn baggy ass underwear. I woke up one morning and it was just ….too damn big. You can pull it up to your arm pits and it still not hugging your butt. So you roll it and tuck it and still…..baggy panties.

    Nothing more uncomfortable than baggy ass underwear. So here I sit…commando…..credit card in hand…ordering my most favorite underwear on-line….in a brand new size!

    Yeah me! Just saying!

    I love each and everyone of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Getting Hit by a Beer Truck….

    surgeon5bl8So my mom asked me, “Are you getting excited honey?” About what mom?..”Well, your surgery.” ( I’m having gastric by-pass tomorrow) Mom, really? That’s like asking me if I’m excited I’m about to be hit by a beer truck at full speed!….

    No, I am not EXCITED about surgery. I am scared and anxious and could puke my shoes at the drop of a hat.

    I tried to think last night when was the last time I felt so unsettled and uncertain. It was January this year. Opening night of Diary of a Mad* Fat*Woman. I was so scared I was sure I would throw up back stage before I went on.

    When I REALLY thought about it I was a lot more scared that night than I am now. I was afraid of failing and sucking in general. I was putting my life out there in every detail for everyone to judge. And you know what? I did it. I made it through and it was life changing.

    So I will expect no less tomorrow as I put my life out there one more time.

    I’ll see you on the other side…..and it will be life changing.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copy right Juliana Wathen 2012

  • The Guarded Heart…..

    Yes….Valentines Day is quickly approaching or as one smug son of a bitch so eloquently dubbed it,  “Singles Awareness Day”.

    Some of us are single by choice and others by circumstance but there are many people out there that go to great lengths and extreme measures to GUARD their heart.  They have made a conscious decision to shield themselves in an attempt to thwart off  pain, disappointment, abandonment or betrayal. In their eyes they are protecting themselves from further damage and shoring up their most vulnerable bits and pieces. They are taking control and defending their territory in an attempt to stay SAFE.

    The reality is…SAFE is a lonely place. You not only shield yourself from pain but from LOVE as well. Nothing can penetrate that reinforced skin. Love is something that has to flow. The more you allow it to flow into your heart the more it is able to flow from you. To experience love, You have to share it.

    This Valentine’s Day, rethink that emotional chastity belt. Be open to love and love all you can.

    I LOVE each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

     

  • Find your STAGE DOOR and open it…..

    Well, you may have wondered what the hell happened to me. I have been absent for a while. But, have no fear, I am alive, well and living in America.

    Swamped by the crush of the holiday season at work and at home I have been running mach 90 with my hair on fire these last few months. And now I sit here in the still of  Christmas Eve morn with a cup of coffee and a few world-famous,Franklin Hollenbeck lemon squares that came special delivery all the way from Hell’s Kitchen in New York City. The US Postal Service has served me well.

    I am in the final throws of script prep for NAME IN LIGHTS….which opens in 11 days. Just a little cabaret to start off 2012. Like the sign says, “Find your STAGE DOOR and open it”.

    How ironic I would be given this plague for Christmas because that is just what I am doing. Finding my STAGE DOOR. Finding my purpose. How do you get to be damn near 49 yrs old and not know your purpose. (that’s a statement – not a question)

    HOW? or is it a WHAT?….cause, are we really looking for a purpose or are we looking for HAPPINESS? Can you find one without the other?

    When I was 5 or 6 yrs old I saw The Wizard of OZ and Dorothy told me that “IT” was “OVER THERE’”….just a step beyond the rain……Over the Rainbow. And somehow, it has felt that way for almost all my life since.

    But I have come to realize in 2011 that “IT” was there all the time. And even though I opted to wear comfortable shoes instead of ruby slippers I was just three heal clicks away from understanding that “I” was home.

    HOME is learning to be comfortable in your own skin and accepting who you are. If you aren’t comfortable with some piece or part of that then it’s time to do some house cleaning . Don’t bother calling in a maid service, you’ll need to tidy up this mess all on your own.

    Okay – I got work to do. You all have a Happy Holiday.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • A big case of AGHHHHH!!!!!

    It is absolutely stupid how freeing leaving 8″ of hair behind on the salon floor made me feel this afternoon. It was a spontaneous decision. Call and if they could take me – GO! Ohhh ….I find those are the best decisions! All spur of the moment and exciting.

    I was a bundle of nerves after I made the appointment but once that girl had her hands in my hair, massaging my temples and lathering my head into a frenzy I was putty in her hands.

    Let the chopping begin!

    45 Minutes later and I am a new person.

    I feel brand new, inside and out!  I feel invincible…almost bullet proof!

    Okay  – maybe not THAT extreme but damn close. I left a lot of time lying in piles on that saloon floor.  Little Lady Clairol 61/2G Auburn piles now destined for the dust pan. And that is perfectly okay.

    When you stop re-creating, re-investing and re-inventing yourself…you’ve stopped living. Change is good. It moves us forward.

    Be Brave….Make a change.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Coming home…..

    Home is where the heart is. Sometimes that can be a pretty hard address to find. I think today I got a little directional assistance.

    For years the drive back to see my mom in my hometown always filled me with trepidation. It’s only 45 minutes north. It might as well be 4 hours. I would feel a knot in my stomach long before I ever got in the car much less down the road. It wasn’t her….It was him. I was always uneasy, never knowing what kind of mood my father might be in and what snippy comment he might have in stored for me.  He had an uncanny knack for sniffing out a persons weakest spot and zeroing in on it. He would nip at it over and over like a little yappie dog. The only way to get away from the noise was to leave. I had an internal alarm clock set to two hours – that was about my max. Then on the road and back home where I knew I could finally breath again.

    In the last year the drive was made more complicated and uneasy by having to drive right past the road that led to my ex’s. Many a time I would find myself on the feeder road having exited without realizing it. It was just second nature. I never traveled past it without thinking about the home, the kids and even the dog that lay just down the road. It just became part of the ordeal in going to my parents house.

    Today, the tides changed. I was singing along to classic rock… Freddie Mercury and Queen…bad Company, Jefferson Airplane….I was ROCK’IN! And suddenly, I found myself across the river bridge and approaching downtown Conroe. I giggled to myself because honestly, I was a little taken aback. I had made it from my house to Conroe and NOT thought about ….ANYTHING. WOW!…and then I realized the knot in my stomach that had been there every time I crossed that river bridge for years wasn’t there either. In Fact…I was looking forward to getting out to the house and seeing my mother and the progress she has made on cleaning out the house since my fathers passing 30 days ago.

    I picked her up and we went to town for some light shopping and lunch. She shared with me that the lady she walked with every morning asked her how she was “really” feeling. She told me she just didn’t feel anything. She wondered out loud if that made her a bad person. I assured her it did not. Because I feel the same.

    I don’t feel sad. Some things I used to feel sad about. Like taking the wrong exit when my life no longer lies down the end of a particular road. But I don’t feel sad anymore. About that or my dad. Both were just  unfortunate circumstances with unfortunate endings.

    My heart is healing and I could actually feel that today. It felt just like “coming home” should feel.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • It does get better…..

    There are times in life when that simple phrase “It does get better”, seems not only impossible but down right offensive. How can THIS get better, this loss, this crisis, this upheaval  or tragedy? How can I forget, let go or hope. I’ll tell you how. It’s called CHOICE.

    Choice steers the bus down a better road. It DOES get better.

    Time has the ability to heal all wounds. That doesn’t mean it won’t leave a scar. It just means at some point the bleeding stops and the pain lessens. And though scars can fade they never really go away. They just become part of the landscape.

    Things do get better.

    Rain follows drought. Peace follows turmoil. New life takes the place left vacant by the old. People you couldn’t count on are replaced by those you can. Fear is replaced by determination and progress becomes the master of stagnation.

    Focus on what is in front of you. The past is already set and done, its outcome already decided. You cannot change it. You can only change the way in which you choose to view it and move forward. A multitude of choices line up in front of you like a breakfast buffet. What you put on your plate is up to you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • Let’s Ride…..

    The best thing about waking up every morning…other than the obvious…is that you get to start your life all over again. Wipe the slate clean. It’s a whole new day. Yesterdays failures and successes are behind you so no need to bitch or brag. TODAY has all the potential in the world.

    So this morning I got back on track. I weighed in….307 lbs. Yep. I know. Say no more!

    I logged onto Weight Watchers Point Plus and started the meticulous detailing of my daily intake. I packed my Bobby Sherman lunch box and armed myself with snacks. I even had my dinner tonight of stir fried beef and veggies. All good food, but here I sit at 9:36pm and I still have 12 points left to consume and I can’t eat another damn thing.

    That’s what most people don’t understand. Overweight people don’t allows OVER EAT all day. Many, like myself, eat inconsistently and make poor choices when we do eat. I am the most guilty of skipping breakfast and often not putting anything in my mouth till 1pm or 2pm…So my metabolism is shot to hell. My blood sugar spikes and then crashes and I am left feeling tired. Having heart failure only makes this worse. Experiencing severe chest pains again this weekend just makes it damn scary.

    I’m not beating myself up….because today was a new day. And tomorrow…..well, that’s another new day. I know that tomorrow, I need to shoot for a bigger breakfast and knock out some points and continue to eat consistently thru the day to maintain my blood sugar and my energy. I already know this works. But it is not the INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT that I lose when I sit myself down for a little chat with myself. It always comes back to convincing myself in my heart of hearts that I am worth the effort. It just seems logical that I am. But it also seems logical to me that if you calculate rate of speed, angle of ramp and resistance of the wind that you should be able to jump the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle just like Evel Knievel. Not everyone has the courage to do that.

    So I think I just answered my own question…It’s not about BEING worthy….It’s about having the COURAGE to act on it.

    Hmmmm…who knew??

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen