Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: personal

  • Coming out of the closet……

    You would think, in this day and age, that educated people would readily accept the fact that GAY people are everywhere and that the need for a NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY  – like today – would just be unnecessary. You would also think that they would have an understanding that gay people live, go to work and pay our taxes just like everyone else does.  Some actually do know that and no longer consider sexuality as a DIS-QUALIFIER  for acceptance in their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

    The truth of the matter is that there is still a social stigma so great that it is literally killing our children. Think you aren’t part of the problem – think again. Children are taught to hate at home. They are taught who to accept and who to shun. Who is less and who is greater than. It is reflective in our schools where kids as young as nine years old are committing suicide because of the unrelenting and unmanaged taunting from other children. At that age, most children have no CONCEPT of their sexuality so it just makes it harder for them to comprehend the negative and harsh treatment they endure at the hands of their peers.

    My sexuality is not what defines me as a person anymore than my skin color, race or religion. But it is just as large a target for discrimination.  So today…I stand up for those that can’t. I stand up for the little boy who runs thru the playground with “Jazz Hands” and defend his right to a safe childhood…I cheer the little girl who would rather run drills on the basketball court than the runways on Toddlers and Tiaras. I thank the great contributors before me that were gay but didn’t let their sexuality keep them from living and reaching for their dreams. Tchaikovsky to Bessie Smith, Alexander the Great to Pope Julius III and Barbra Jordan to Socrates all incredible individuals who contributed their beauty and talents to the world and just happened to have accomplished it loving someone of the same sex.

    My hope is that someday ones sexual preference becomes as small a blip on others radars as ones preference of dogs over cats, chinese food over pizza or choosing to wearing PJ’s  rather than sleeping naked. If you’re a cat lover who likes eating pizza and sleeping naked…..call me.

    HAPPY COMING OUT DAY!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

     

  • Mornings SUCK!……

    MORNING PERSON?…….NOT!!!!…Anyone who has ever met me will testify in open court that I am NOT , nor have I ever been, a “morning person”. You know the type. They spring out of bed with an annoyingly perky smile on their face and a obnoxiuos song in their heart. It would never occur to them to actually use a “SNOOZE” button on an alarm clock. NO, these are the people who can immediately jump up and start a load of laundry on their way out the door to the gym and make it back home in time to make the bed, have a shower and balance their check book all before the morning rush hour gets started. I HATE THEM. Just saying…..

    I did, however, make an effort to join them this morning. I bought an $11.00 dollar alarm clock/radio at Target this weekend. Lord knows I haven’t had one of those in over 35 yrs. I’m  one of THOSE people who just get up when I’m supposed to but with my “Supposed” to time changing to make time to haul my fat ass downstairs to the gym in the morning I thought I better make the investment. I set my clock for 7:00AM….It went off and I hit the snooze button….typical…that’s what your supposed to do, right?…7:15AM…it goes off again.This time I let the radio play a classic rock song for a bit to wake me up and get me acclimated to the upright world. “Ughhhhhh this sucks”…..I’m thinking as I clutch my micro fiber body pillow closer to me. One song down and some ass hole commentator starts jibber jabbering about politics. He and his on-air sidekicks are trying to be funny and with a touch of Rock-Jock Shock humor….I found their slightly sanitized/riding on the edge of PC racial jokes utterly annoying. Instead of hitting the snooze button again, I just rolled my finger across the dial till I heard the soft melodic tones of elevator music. Aghhhhh better……Snuggle…..snuggle…….snoooooooooze……….

    I awoke at 8:15AM….my usual time. I panicked and jumped to my feet, which is never pretty. I grabbed my bra, shorts and t-shirt, a cute pair of pink socks from the drawer and proceeded to get dressed. I ran to the couch to put on my new “tennis shoes for exercising”  and turned on the TV only to notice the time on the cable box 8:22AM….I did the math in my head….8:22 +3 minutes to find my earphones and head down stairs….35 minutes on the tread mill, 3 minutes back up stairs….15 minutes to shower and change for work topped with a 5 minute drive down the street to the office…..hmmmmmm. I am now officially 23 minutes late for work.

    Obviously, this morning’s dry run didn’t work out. I skipped the gym, took the shower and opted for Special K with Strawberries for breakfast. I packed my Scooby Do lunch box, choked down a hand full of  prescription medications and headed out the door. I made it to work with a few minutes to spare.

    Tomorrows plan…6:45AM wake up time…..better radio station and make it out the door to the gym by 7:15AM….It’s a goal….and a process.

    BTW…..I lost 6 lbs last week…Yeah me!!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • It does get better…..

    There are times in life when that simple phrase “It does get better”, seems not only impossible but down right offensive. How can THIS get better, this loss, this crisis, this upheaval  or tragedy? How can I forget, let go or hope. I’ll tell you how. It’s called CHOICE.

    Choice steers the bus down a better road. It DOES get better.

    Time has the ability to heal all wounds. That doesn’t mean it won’t leave a scar. It just means at some point the bleeding stops and the pain lessens. And though scars can fade they never really go away. They just become part of the landscape.

    Things do get better.

    Rain follows drought. Peace follows turmoil. New life takes the place left vacant by the old. People you couldn’t count on are replaced by those you can. Fear is replaced by determination and progress becomes the master of stagnation.

    Focus on what is in front of you. The past is already set and done, its outcome already decided. You cannot change it. You can only change the way in which you choose to view it and move forward. A multitude of choices line up in front of you like a breakfast buffet. What you put on your plate is up to you.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • Defensive Driving……

    Okay – It can happen to ANYBODY. I got a speeding ticket in Bertram, Texas so I had to take Defensive Driving…I choose an on-line class because my schedule is just too unpredictable. The thought of spending 6 hours in front of my computer did NOT thrill me. But it had to be done.

    I quickly surmised that I could multi-task during this process. So just to prove to you that shelling out $25.00 and taking the on-line course is less painful than a tooth extraction I have complied my TOP-TEN LIST of things I got done while taking Defensive Driving ON-LINE.

    1.Watched two movies: Men in Tights and Biloxi Blues. CLASSICS!

    2. Gave myself a facial and tweezed the annoying testosterone filled chin hair women of my age tend to sprout.

    3.Made a fabulous Tuna salad filled with green onions, sweet pickles, celery and raisins.

    4. While chopping veggies for above mentioned tuna salad I realized how dull my cutlery was…So I sharpened every blade in the house.

    5. Made a photo montage for a friend.

    6. Checked Facebook at least a dozen times. Nothing much going on.

    7. Made some fab-u-lous Italian meatloaf that I baked in a muffin tin so I would aready have indiviual portions…It’s a Weight Watchers thang…don’t even try and wrap your mind around it.

    8.Ironed three shirts and three pair of pants

    9.Filed and buffed my mangled fingernails and FINALLY

    10.PASSED THE DRIVING SAFETY COURSE!

    GET’ER DONE! That’s all I got to say! I haven’t gotten this much done in 6 hours EVER!

    Now I can get on with my weekend!

    I love each and every one of you…Drive Safe!

    Juliana

  • Let’s Ride…..

    The best thing about waking up every morning…other than the obvious…is that you get to start your life all over again. Wipe the slate clean. It’s a whole new day. Yesterdays failures and successes are behind you so no need to bitch or brag. TODAY has all the potential in the world.

    So this morning I got back on track. I weighed in….307 lbs. Yep. I know. Say no more!

    I logged onto Weight Watchers Point Plus and started the meticulous detailing of my daily intake. I packed my Bobby Sherman lunch box and armed myself with snacks. I even had my dinner tonight of stir fried beef and veggies. All good food, but here I sit at 9:36pm and I still have 12 points left to consume and I can’t eat another damn thing.

    That’s what most people don’t understand. Overweight people don’t allows OVER EAT all day. Many, like myself, eat inconsistently and make poor choices when we do eat. I am the most guilty of skipping breakfast and often not putting anything in my mouth till 1pm or 2pm…So my metabolism is shot to hell. My blood sugar spikes and then crashes and I am left feeling tired. Having heart failure only makes this worse. Experiencing severe chest pains again this weekend just makes it damn scary.

    I’m not beating myself up….because today was a new day. And tomorrow…..well, that’s another new day. I know that tomorrow, I need to shoot for a bigger breakfast and knock out some points and continue to eat consistently thru the day to maintain my blood sugar and my energy. I already know this works. But it is not the INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT that I lose when I sit myself down for a little chat with myself. It always comes back to convincing myself in my heart of hearts that I am worth the effort. It just seems logical that I am. But it also seems logical to me that if you calculate rate of speed, angle of ramp and resistance of the wind that you should be able to jump the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle just like Evel Knievel. Not everyone has the courage to do that.

    So I think I just answered my own question…It’s not about BEING worthy….It’s about having the COURAGE to act on it.

    Hmmmm…who knew??

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

     

  • TOUCHDOWN!!!!!…..

    NO PAIN  – NO GAIN! Yep that is the mantra of FOOTBALL…It’s finally  fall and time for tailgating and grid iron match ups on Sundays in America. The touchdowns and field goals are  bringing folks to their feet! Even I did an impromptu “end-zone celebration” in the middle of my living room after my team, the TEXANS won today. Winning feels gooooood.  The players leave it all out on the field. But with all the rewards comes the injury reports after every game. Pulled ham strings, broken hands, groin injuries, all are painful reminders that it takes all out effort to win.

    So it goes with life. If you play it safe and take it easy you probably won’t have much heart-ache or misery in life. Sitting on the side line is safe but  it won’t get you noticed and let’s face it, even you are bored by just sitting there game after game after game.  But when you get on the field and give it your all there are going to be consequences. You’re gonna get  bumped, bruised and sometimes terribly hurt. The pain is not to make you miserable. It’s there to make you AWARE…. Aware of what it takes to win. Aware of the people that surround you that help you get where you wanna go. Aware of your own courage  to take the challenge.You can’t appreciate the win if you are not aware of the struggle to get there.

    Life is meant to be lived. NO PAIN – NO GAIN!  Friends and family pass away, relationships fail and children may disappoint. But it is all there to make us MORE AWARE of all the good we have and all the progress we are making.

    To be AWARE is to be ENLIGHTENED. It takes a champion to stand in the spotlight!

    I love each and every one of you…and today I love my TEXANS just a little bit more.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • The eye of the storm…..

    Like any experienced gulf coast resident I know how to prepare for a hurricane. In July, my father was given six months to live. As with any storm I knew this timetable could change. He had been a tropical disturbance for years brewing in the gulf that we all kept a weary eye on. And now he was gaining strength and about to make landfall.

    So I put into practice what I knew. I monitored the storm day to day and made the necessary adjustments as it accelerated and the cone that projected it’s path narrowed. I made a plan and I prepared.

    I thought I was in the clear or at least on the clean side of the storm. I thought all my preparations would serve me well. I had given up on any further attempts to “connect” with my father. It just wasn’t going to happen. So I made the best peace about him that I could. I moved into preparation mode and poured over papers and information about the five steps of dying, burial policies and what benefits would be due to my mother. I tended to the business of dying and the necessities for survival.

    As landfall grew closer I wrote an obituary, put together a slide show of photos of his life and began to prepare his eulogy. So many things I never knew came to light as the timeline took shape of the life he lived and the experiences that formed his opinions and attitudes towards his family and life.

    He passed the afternoon of September 15th at 3:55pm. Little did I realize that that would be the calm eye of the storm and that the dirty side of damaging winds and devastating floods would follow me home after the service, after everything and everyone else had been tended to.

    I came home to my own fears and my own disappointments. The guests who came to the memorial service were a virtual timeline of my own life. Teachers, friends, family as well as ex-lovers and former friends all doing “The right thing” and coming to the service for a man few knew and many had never even met. They came for my sake and the sake of my family. It brought up good memories and bad from my life. It had little to do with my father. Memories of a former classmate and close childhood friend whose mother came to pay respects and to remind me her son had been gone 17 yrs. She wondered aloud if we still remembered him. I do – everyday. Teachers were there to remind me to see the life lesson. Family was there to remind me that it was my mothers grief and recovery that was most important. My friends were there to remind me that I never have to face the world alone unless I just need to.

    I felt I needed to this time. I hid myself away from phone calls, texts and visits. I needed to let go of the man I never felt close to or loved by. And it was just one of my challenges. At the memorial I had embraced the woman I had at one time given my heart to and felt her momentary comfort – only to have to let it go all over again. I watched the friend I  love so dearly walk in and walk out like a brief blip on the radar.

    I found myself trying for days to ride out the worse of the storm after the service. Battered by the winds and drowning in the flood waters I have struggled to hang on. And then it dawned on me tonight to take control. To not wait for the winds to die and the storm to pass because life is like a storm and it never really leaves. Like a merry-go- round it spins round and round and the closer to the edge you are ,the dizzier you get and the harder it is to hold on. I had been riding the edge of the storm and was exhausted and delirious.

    A voice said…..”Move to the center. Relax and be calm”.

    Can it really be that simple? Just change your grip and move to the middle. There is a peace  and quiet there. I crave it. I need it. Tonight I will rest in that peace.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • A message….

    If you call ..and I don’t answer…it is because I cannot speak.

    If you write…and I do not respond…it’s because I have no words

    If you don’t see me….have faith that I am within

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • Coins for the ferryman…..

    5 am came early and 9:15pm seems so late. Days last forever and nights crawl by.

    A bottle of Windex, 2 cans of Fabreze, a canister of Clorox wipes and3 rolls of paper towels: my sister in laws and I clean thru the day to help pass the time between visitors, nurses and aids.

    Prayers are said, tears are shed, the sign of the cross is made. The smell of cigars and fresh rosemary fill the evening air. A message is delivered in her ear and she has her peace at last. All she needed to know was that she and all she did for him mattered. Eventually it all quiets down till all you hear is the hum of the old refrigerator and the whirl of a box fan.

    He struggles in the back room, silently searching his pockets for a coin to pay the ferryman.

     

  • All thru the night…..

    No call went out, yet we all gathered tonight to sit vigil with my mother at the bed side of my father as he slips further away.

    I didn’t think I could go to the back of the house and into the spare room where he lay curled up on a hospital bed. I told myself I was here for my mother. She shuffled back and forth from the front room to the back. One time carrying his next morphine dose another time a cool rag to sooth the fever that racks his body as it tries to shut down.

    My youngest brother came and I pointed to the back and said, “You can go back, it’s okay. Wanda is with him.” he choked back an answer and just shock his head no. He couldn’t do it and I understood.

    My older brother kept milling about back and forth, sitting in one chair and then another. Room to room we all seemed to pivot  avoiding the obvious as best we could and making small talk about this and that.

    My sister -in-law look at me as if to ask if I had taken my turn yet….I shook my head no. But again said ,”feel free to go back, Wanda is there.” I then realized my mother was in the room and that Denver was alone. I took Olga’s hand and she gripped it tightly. Silently we walked down the narrow hall to the spare bedroom together. His breath labored and infrequent, he seems so slight and fragile. Not at all the giant and imposing figure he has been all my life. There was a softness I had never seen before. And I knew then that I could do this. Not that I should,  but that I COULD.

    The hours pass by and we convinced Wanda to go lie down. She is afraid to relax too much or even sleep but she knows she must. The men we sent to rest at their own homes. We sit up, we women. Cleaning and shuffling about and listening. Waiting.