Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: mid life

  • Notes from the Harp

    Notes from the Harp

    Captains log: January 18, 2022

    It has taken me 18 days to settle into this new year. Not exactly a record but worth making note of.

    I have newly turned 59 years old. My cholesteral is finally too high for my doctor’s liking and so I join the ranks of other genteel statin-heads my age adding one more pill to the evening routine. This too shall pass, my mother would say, if you let it.

    If I let it…

    Here I sit at my “home” office, tastefully laid out in my living room. Strategically positioned between the back sliding glass door with a view of the backyard on my right and the open kitchen to my left. I’ve fed all the animals this morning including the feral cats at their respective doors. One prefers the kitchen window which we have deemed the “drive-through” service. I leave the glass door and kitchen window open just a crack for a light cross breeze.

    I settle into my desk and a hot mug of morning coffee. I lay before me my parcel of meds and vitamins. I scroll through my business emails and try to focus on the day ahead. Focus is fleeting. I ask Alexa to play music to study by, cause I’m just not ready for “Today’s Top Hits”. The softest strains of a harp begin to play. Gentle fingers on strings popping and strumming along. A violin whispers its way into the tune and then the full symphony. Not just from Alexa but all around me. I hear a chorus of singing birds with the Egyptian Geese from the neighboring golf course honking in perfect time. The trills of the songbirds and then the rustle of dry leaves on the driveway all create this incredible musical moment in time.

    This too shall pass, if I let it. So I embrace the moment and drink in the music of the day with a ravenous thirst.

    Yes, Momma, I hear your voice. No use crying over spilt milk. Take the pill for now and make better choices today. Eat better, exercise more, and listen to the music.

    I got it from here momma.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • Bridges to Tomorrow

    Bridges to Tomorrow

    Sometimes the bridges with the least risk are the hardest to cross. There is no rushing torrent beneath it to sweep us away if we lose our footing. It is neither too tall to scale nor too long to travel. It is simply a break in the path and yet we avoid it at all cost. Perhaps it is the simplicity we avoid.

    It is our nature as humans to assume that “decisions” must be labored over, mulled, and examined. That things or results that you desire must be earned.

    Let me remind you that there is already a plan:

     Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

    For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

    If you are struggling with a “decision”, then understand that the struggle is man-made. Continue your walk, sometimes the path is the soft earth beneath your feet, other times it’s a smooth paved surface and every now and again it’s small planks to keep you on an even keel. The goal is to keep moving forward. New experiences are just around the bend.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2021

  • Follow the Yellow Brick Road…..

    Spotlight Image Wake up Blanche…we’re not in Kansas anymore!
    Today, I’m taking a big step out of the wings and moving center stage into a new adventure. I’m headed up I45 North to the currently frozen tundra of DALLAS for a weekend “Acting for the Camera” boot camp with one of the best known “friend of Dorothy’s” in Hollywood today.

    I’ve got my vitamins sorted, my bag packed and my script in hand!

    I’m not sure where this will lead me but I bet I come back with some hellacious stories and some new skills in front of the camera!
    Quiet on the set ya’ll!!! I’ll be back shortly!

    LAW – Leave the light on!

    I love each and every one of you.
    Juliana

    Copyright 2014 Juliana Wathen

  • Into my dreams…..

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    You visit me in my dreams. Dreams so vivid and real that for a brief moment the dream becomes reality and I am totally immersed in the time, taste, and smells surrounding me. Emotions are more intense and swell unrestrained by any insecurity or proven past history. My true reality seems like a distant childhood memory clouded over by a low, ground hugging fog that I dare not stir. I feel the pull between the two worlds and I can sense the end is approaching and I fight to stay longer and FEEL more, EXPERIENCE more, LIVE more. I begin to panic and tell myself to “Find the key”…Find the key that will bring me back here.

    In my desperate attempt to  “Find the key”….I panic and open my eyes. The veil is lifted and I am here. I feel empty and alone……

    So I get up and do what I always do….make my first cup of coffee…turn on the morning news….check Facebook for the latest gossip and news….line up my vitamins and medications….and ponder the message and meaning of my dream.

    It dawned on me that I had to do nothing to enter the dream. It came to me. I had not carried the fears, rules and restrictions I had engrained into my life with me to this new place. I had not consciously set them down, they just no longer existed….I was happier than I had ever been. Everything seemed enhanced. My sight was sharper, my heart was fuller and I could experience everything around me with increased appreciation. It was only when I began to worry about  losing all that I was experiencing that I felt the pull and weight of reality and waking consciousness.

    Dreams are our training ground….a chance to experience all that we are and all that we can be when we let go and live in the moment. Moments we don’t have to create, manage or manipulate to bring about.

    There is a saying I have heard all my life “Let go and Let God“…Let go and allow the perfectness that is within you to manifest the perfectness around you.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

     

  • Who you calling short?…..

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    So when you drop a ton of weight, one of the drawbacks is on your pocket-book. You gotta buy new clothes some time!
    On Tuesday evening I made my pilgrimage to my local favorite fat store.
    I scoured through the racks of brightly colored summer offerings searching for what had quickly become an elusive and rare pair of black dress slacks. After sifting through jeans, shorts and capris galore I finally I found the golden bar holding the ONLY slacks in the store.I’m a gambler by nature and I hate to try on clothes and mostly, never do, but after 82lbs down the drain it is a necessity for a decent fit.I had one shot and had to get it right.
    I grabbed a few sizes and headed for the dressing room. The first pair was too large, the second I couldn’t pull over my pancake ass but the third was juuuuuuust right. I wouldn’t even have to hem them!!!!
    I wasn’t crazy about the price but it was, after all, a necessity.
    I wrangled a chatty sales associate with a lively “I’m ready to check out , please!” and braced my self to scan my debit card.
    He rang up the slacks and suddenly the price changed on the read out and $20.00 dollars was posted as a discount! “They’re on SALE?” I exclaimed in a girly high-pitched voice reminiscent of a tacky tween.
    YES MA’AM! ALL OUR CAPRIS ARE ON SALE!!!
    😦 My first reaction? I was pissed! I was worried about hemming capris??? Damn it!
    Then I decided the Universe was cutting me a break and I should smile, say thank you and exit the store immediately with my $20.00 discount. I don’t care what you say! I’m not THAT damn short!

    Just saying!

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana
    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • I Got You Babe!…..

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    Without you …..I would not experience Faith

    Without you …..I wouldn’t be challenged to Trust

    Without you…..I would not strive to make the World a Better Place

    Without you…..I would not push myself to get to the Other Side

    Without you…..I would not experience Unconditional Love

    I would not be who I am today without all the experiences, conditions and people that have touched my day to day life.
    It truly is YOU AND ME BABE!

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copy Right 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Diary of a MAD*FAT*WOMAN takes to the stage….

    IT IS FINALLY HERE! A SHOW!!!!!!!

    NAME IN LIGHTS…..Diary of a MAD* FAT * WOMAN.
    A Night of Cabaret with Juliana Wathen

    TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW AT
    http://www.obsidianartspace.org/coming-events.html

    Based on the popular blog by the same name
    Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..a journal of personal insight, crazy rants, battle of the bulge and mid life crisis enhanced by some of the best music of the past 5 decades.

    Opening January 4th, 2012 at 7:30 and running Thursday, January 5th – Saturday the 7th and Thursday, January 12- Saturday the 14th.

    Obsidian Art Space 3522 White Oak Houston, Texas 77007

    Tickets are $20.00 per person $15.00 for students and seniors.

  • Seasons change…..And so do I…..

    There is this incredible moment ….a moment so hard to go back and pin point that you might as well not even try. A moment you just accept  as having happened as soon as you become AWARE of it.

    The AWARENESS comes well after the MOMENT.

    I sat today as I drove between jobs and tried to think…was it yesterday? …the day before? Or Monday….was it Monday??? I had to laugh to myself. The “WHEN” and “HOW” really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the end results  that matter.

    Like many, I have actively struggled with negative feelings, fears and phobias for years. I have struggled to let them go and purge them from my daily existence. I worked to let go of anger and I’ve prayed to be released from the stranglehold of unhealthy emotions. I have read books and done meditations to find that peaceful place where these things can no longer touch me.

    Through my studies I have discovered that you can say the words, even with conviction, like “I forgive you”, “I am worthy”…or “I’m not in love this person anymore”…but it is something else  entirely to believe it and live it. The elusive goal is to no longer feel anger in the back of your throat when you speak a name, to no longer feel a longing in your heart when you hear the name of another or fear a situation. And ultimately, to gather yourself in confidence and move on without regret.

    I had that moment today…that AWARENESS moment when I realized that the season in my life had changed and I wasn’t just ready to move on but that I already had. I felt no attachment to the past and the bag of rocks I had left beside the road somewhere along the way. I couldn’t even tell you how many miles back I had dropped the burden. I was just AWARE of traveling lighter.

    With that lightness today came a joy that had been missing in my life for a long time. It’s was like welcoming a new season…rejoicing in the falls first cold front to break the oppressive heat of a dry Texas summer. There is a crispness in the air, a  lightness in my step and I know that Christmas is just around the corner. Life is a gift…sometimes it even has a bow on it!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • TOUCHDOWN!!!!!…..

    NO PAIN  – NO GAIN! Yep that is the mantra of FOOTBALL…It’s finally  fall and time for tailgating and grid iron match ups on Sundays in America. The touchdowns and field goals are  bringing folks to their feet! Even I did an impromptu “end-zone celebration” in the middle of my living room after my team, the TEXANS won today. Winning feels gooooood.  The players leave it all out on the field. But with all the rewards comes the injury reports after every game. Pulled ham strings, broken hands, groin injuries, all are painful reminders that it takes all out effort to win.

    So it goes with life. If you play it safe and take it easy you probably won’t have much heart-ache or misery in life. Sitting on the side line is safe but  it won’t get you noticed and let’s face it, even you are bored by just sitting there game after game after game.  But when you get on the field and give it your all there are going to be consequences. You’re gonna get  bumped, bruised and sometimes terribly hurt. The pain is not to make you miserable. It’s there to make you AWARE…. Aware of what it takes to win. Aware of the people that surround you that help you get where you wanna go. Aware of your own courage  to take the challenge.You can’t appreciate the win if you are not aware of the struggle to get there.

    Life is meant to be lived. NO PAIN – NO GAIN!  Friends and family pass away, relationships fail and children may disappoint. But it is all there to make us MORE AWARE of all the good we have and all the progress we are making.

    To be AWARE is to be ENLIGHTENED. It takes a champion to stand in the spotlight!

    I love each and every one of you…and today I love my TEXANS just a little bit more.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Piano Bar Blues……

    Yes, Mrs. Lincoln, I have had a cocktail tonight and how did you enjoy the play? “Fine Mrs. Kennedy – how was the parade?

    Okay…I had WAY to much fun working tonight. Work turned into unexpected play which is the BEST kinda play to have. I am perched up on the 18th floor of a lake resort and have to go down to check on a promotional event for a bunch of meeting planners….I’m in entertainment you seeeeee……….The DJ is in place…we nosh a bit over the steak and lobster and have a cocktail or two and as the easliy impressed corporate executives file in to the bowling Wii tounament I make my get away to the piano bar with…THE BOYS.

    Nearly deserted, the bar is quiet…..”where’s the PIANO player for the PIANO bar” we ask….”taking a break” they tell us… great….we’ll have a cocktail. We settle into the posh couches and pull our feet up on the coffee tables after a long days work as if they were our own. I look at the other people behind us – trying to decern the familiar characteristics of a “Piano player”….searching…searchin…..g searching….BINGO….It’s the blind guy!!!!! The blind guy????

    The same blind guy I saw 32 years ago at a high school talent show?….My talent show at MY high school….WTF????  I saw a woman take his arm about to lead him to the piano and I stopped them and asked…Hadden right?? she answered for him ‘Yes” ….I replied…”Are you his mother?” ohhhhhhh bad question…”No , I am his wife but I get that alot”….oh snap…..I JUST killed the conversation….

    I asked Hadden if he remembered my name and he didn’t but it was okay – I sang with his brother who was three years older.

    We settled into our couches and he began to play..none of it in my key BTW….Mr. Bojangles, Rocky Mountain High and The Entertainer…. I sang under my breath and one of my boys said – sing a song…I said “It’s NOT in my key”….Hadden’s wife chimed in – “he can play in any key just start singing”…And so I did….one song and then another….and another… and another. Lyrics supplied to me by a friend on a I phone…we started taking requests and he played so well he even followed me on a few songs he never heard before….True talent….we scooped up an extra 60 bucks for the tip jar for the folks draw in by the sound and we called it a night.

    I was down tonight when I got here…but music lifted me right up out of my skin. We’re gonna do it again tomorrow night..since I’m here all weekend. Why not!

    Music is a universal language…once you learn it , It rarely goes away. It cured what ailed me….tomorrow will be icing on the cake.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen